Innocene Lost by CidGregor
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans.
Chapter 4
A cold, painful silence echoed through the room as Starfire paused her story, momentarily unable to continue. Old wounds were being torn open, wounds she never wanted to deal with again, and wished so desperately that she could erase forever. But it had happened, and she had ended up pregnant as a result; there was no changing that.
She looked up at her friends through her reddened, teary eyes, wondering exactly how they were taking the news. Robin's expression was one of mingling rage, horror, and pity, and his hands were balled tightly into fists as though he was longing to wring them around the necks of those thugs. But he remained silent, controlling his anger and frustration.
Raven, however, wasn't dealing with it quite as well. She was positively seething with barely-contained fury, her muscles so tense they were shaking, and an all-too-familiar red glow had reached her eyes. The injustice of it was almost more than she could bear. For such a horrific fate to befall Starfire was a deeper tragedy than even Raven's darkest books could usually express; she was so innocent, so caring...she was everything that was right with the world. She didn't deserve this, and it pushed Raven to the end of her rope.
"What…" Robin started to say, but his voice failed him. He took a deep breath and tried again. "What happened…to the men…after…?"
"They'd be burning in the deepest circles of Hell if there's any justice in this world!" Raven snapped. Privately, Robin couldn't agree more.
Starfire seemed to lose what little was left of her usual glow, and Robin nearly started crying himself. Surely it couldn't get any worse, could it?
"Just after…it happened," Starfire continued, "I felt my abilities returning. I felt…more terrible than I had ever before in my life…and it was all their fault…I wanted to make them pay for what they'd done…I…"
"You…killed them…?" Robin whispered.
She sniffed and nodded. "I just…lost control…and once it was done…I just could not face anyone, knowing what I had done…"
Starfire fell silent at last, the whole terrible tale finally out in the open. She threw her arms around Robin and cried freely on his shoulder, and Robin hugged her tightly to him, never wanting to let her go. This was everything he'd ever been afraid of about loving her…he hadn't been able to protect her when she'd needed it the most. He felt disgusted with himself. But he pushed those thoughts aside for the time being and did whatever he could to comfort his dearest friend. Right now she needed him, and this time he was going to be there every second of the way.
Raven, meanwhile, decided it was time she left, and give the two dear friends some privacy. She needed some serious meditation, in any case; she was still riding the breaking point of her emotions, though she had felt a little calmer once Starfire had revealed the thugs' fate. She opened the door and stepped out of Starfire's room, and almost ran right into Beast Boy, who happened to be walking by.
"Oh, sorry, Raven," the changeling apologized quickly. "Didn't see you…" he trailed off then as he glanced through the open doorway and saw Robin and Starfire's tear-stained faces as they held one another. Beast Boy's eyes went wide. "Dude, what…?"
Raven shut the door quickly. "It's none of your concern. Leave them alone."
"But what's wrong with them? Is everything okay?"
"I SAID IT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!" Raven shouted, and Beast Boy took a few steps back; Raven's eyes were suddenly blazing red; all four of them. Beast Boy wasn't stupid; he knew when to drop the subject. Raven spun away from him and down the hall to her own room, slamming the door as she went. Beast Boy glanced back and forth between the two closed doors, wondering just what was going on that had three of his teammates in such a bad mood.
The next few days passed without incident. Starfire spent most of it in her room, and Robin spent much of that time with her, comforting her, helping her to heal. Raven too did as much as she could to help the alien girl move on from her ordeal, but it was hard to do so when there was such a constant reminder, growing inside her. And it didn't help that she still had to tell Beast Boy and Cyborg the truth. Still, Starfire felt a lot better now, more than she thought she would, in fact; talking about it had helped immensely, and she felt as though much of the burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She now found herself more concerned with Robin than her ordeal. The time he wasn't with her was spent either locked up in his room, or locked in the gym. Starfire felt quite sure that he was beating himself up, and she had first guessed. Robin was trying to find ways to put all the blame for that night on his own shoulders. Starfire voiced her concerns to Raven one day as the two ate breakfast alone, and the dark girl agreed.
"I'll go talk to him," Raven assured. "Maybe I can talk some sense into him."
"Thank you, Raven," Starfire said with a relieved smile.
Raven got up to go, but paused at the doorway and looked pointedly at Starfire. "Listen…it's not very noticeable yet, but pretty soon you're going to start to show. BB and Cyborg aren't blind, they're going to notice. You're going to have to tell them, too. Soon."
The smiled faded slightly from the alien girl's face, but she nodded. Satisfied, Raven headed for the gym. She figured Robin would be there, and sure enough, as she approached she heard Robin's loud grunts and the constant thudding of him pounding on the punching bag. She rounded the corner into the gym, watching Robin as he beat the punching bag mercilessly; it would not have surprised Raven if Robin told her he was imagining it to be the thugs.
"Robin," she called, and he stopped suddenly, sweat dripping down his face as he turned to look Raven in the eye.
"What is it, Raven?"
"Look, I know what you're thinking, and you need to stop it, right now. Beating yourself up over what happened to Starfire won't make anything better. None of it was your fault to begin with."
"She wanted to stay with me," Robin countered, so quickly that Raven realized he'd been expecting this. "She wanted to help me fight Analyst, and I made her leave."
"Robin, you had no way of knowing what was going to happen," Raven said.
"Then I should've dealt with Analyst faster!" Robin shouted. "If I'd been just a couple of minutes quicker she could have fought those lowlifes off, and she never would've been…"
Robin stopped himself; he just couldn't bring himself to say it. To say the word was to give it more power.
"Robin, stop being so thick. No matter what you think you could've done to prevent it from happening, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. Like it or not, Starfire was raped that night, and now she's pregnant, and there's nothing you can do to change it. So stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Robin winced horribly at hearing the word…it was like it washed away any sort of lingering fantasy left in his mind, leaving him with nothing but the cold, hard truth.
"Do you know what Starfire is worried about right now?" Raven continued. "She isn't thinking about herself even a bit. She has every right to worry about no one else but herself. But all she's worrying about is you. Because she knew you would blame yourself for it somehow. She isn't even worried about her child. Do you realize the possibility of not keeping it hasn't even crossed her mind? She has every intention of raising that child, no matter how hard it might be on her. But after everything that's happened to her, her biggest concern is for you. Is that what you want?"
Robin's eyes shifted down to the ground, furious with himself all over again. No, of course he didn't want that. Starfire…she was so caring…even after being raped, even with a child on the way, her deepest concern was for him…who was he to make her worry like that? And she was going to keep the child…even though it had come about because of rape, she still wanted to raise it. She would be doing it all by herself, without a father to raise the child alongside her…and he, Robin, was sitting here feeling sorry for himself? Robin felt disgusted with himself. He had to apologize…he had to make it right.
And I won't let her do this alone, he added. If she really wants to have this baby, then I'm going to make sure it doesn't grow up without a father.
"You're right, Rae," Robin said. "I'd better go talk to her."
Robin walked past her, and Raven almost gagged. "You, uh…might want to take a shower first."
Robin grinned sheepishly. "Oh, right…heh…good idea."
Starfire traced one finger gently around her stomach, and wondered how she had not noticed its new roundness sooner. She could still hardly believe it…she was going to be a mother…it hadn't come about the way she'd wanted it to, but it was still quite a significant thing to her. There was so much to think about now…so much to prepare for…would it be a boy or a girl? Would it be Tameranean or human, or some mixture of the two? What would she name the child? Would she be a very good mother?
Would Robin stand beside me?
Almost as though summoned by that thought, she heard Robin's voice outside her room as he poked his head through her open door. "Hi, Star. Can I come in?"
Starfire smiled. "Of course, Robin. You are always welcome in my room."
Robin returned her warm smile and sat down beside her, but as he spoke his expression turned deadly serious. "Listen…I want to apologize. I know you've been worried about me, but you shouldn't be. I just have to say that…I'm sorry I couldn't protect you when you needed it the most."
Starfire only smiled again. "It was not your fault, Robin. I am sorry as well, if I have caused you to take the blame upon yourself."
"No, Star, don't apologize," Robin insisted. "You've done nothing to apologize for. I was just being stupid. But Raven knocked some sense into me."
"I am glad," Starfire said. She glanced down and again traced a finger around the slight bulge of her stomach. "Now I am only concerned about my child…"
"The baby? Why?"
"I was never taught to be a mother back home. I do not know if I will be…good at it. And the child will be without a father. I…fear for him…or her, as the case may be."
"Star, don't talk like that," Robin said. "You are the most wonderful, kind, caring person I know. You're going to make a great mother. And…you won't be doing this alone. Not if I can help it."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Star…if it's all right with you…let me be the father to your child. This kid deserves loving parents, and I want to make sure he has them."
"Or she," Starfire reminded him.
"Or she," Robin nodded. "What do you say, Star? Think I'd be any good at playing daddy?"
Almost immediately Starfire's eyes began to tear up, and Robin was deathly afraid he'd said something wrong, but then the alien girl's face broke out into a huge smile, and she threw her arms around him.
"Robin…nothing in this world would make me happier than to raise a family with you."
Robin broke out in a grin as well. "Really?"
"Really. Of course you may be the father to my child."
Starfire pulled back and gazed into Robin's face, and not for the first time she wondered what his eyes looked like behind that mask. All of a sudden she was struck by an overwhelming curiosity, and without a second thought she reached up and pulled it off of his face.
"What the…?" Robin stuttered, a little surprised, but he stopped as he looked back at Starfire, not through the shield of his mask, but with his own startlingly blue eyes. Somehow she looked so much more beautiful this way; he was amazed that he hadn't done it himself sooner.
"Forgive me, Robin," Starfire said, "but I realized I did not even know what color your eyes were. I was…curious."
"It's okay, Star," Robin assured her. "Is it what you were expecting?"
"Yes. They are quite handsome eyes. And I love blue."
"I love you."
There was a sharp intake of breath from Starfire, and Robin's eyes widened in shock as he realized what had happened. "Did I say that out loud?"
Starfire nodded, suppressing a grin, and Robin went very red, but he was saved from further embarrassment a moment later.
"I love you as well, Robin."
And without waiting for a response from the stunned superhero, Starfire pulled him forward into a deep, longing kiss, and Robin forgot his embarrassment and he kissed her back. It was a most wonderful feeling for the both of them…so warm, so comforting…it felt…right. Like there was no one in the world that they were meant to kiss except each other.
The two lost themselves in the moment, and forgot about all their troubles, about their feelings of guilt, even about that one fateful night. For them, at that moment, all was right with the world.
