Author's Notes:
03/25- Wow, guys I have not updated this in what feels (and probably is) years? I am really planning on finishing this, no matter how hard it is. I was looking over this specific story today and I changed a bit of the prologue and thought that maybe I should re-update it so that my reviewers realize IM BACK! And hey, if I snag some more reviewers well woo hoo for me. So, I will be editing chapter 2 this week, and chapter 3 will be out, sometime soon. I want to make it long(in my standards) and equally great to make up for the absence. Deal? Thank you guys for the wonderful reviews and support. Love yall.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon. Someone much richer than I does. Nor do I own Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch.
Goodbye to You
Chapter 1
Of all the things I've believed in
Dear Mamoru,
Before I start I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you'll think and I'm sorry for what I'll say. I'm hoping you know that you made a deep impact in my heart, but the scar you've inflicted overtops everything else. Many might say that I'm a baby, that I'm immature. I would say "Screw you" to them because I'm tired, and there has been too many times in our relationship that I've felt that way. Tired of what, you ask? Well, I'm tired of the fact that you only see fit to love me whenever the hell it's convenient; tired of you only saying you "care" when you're asking for forgiveness. I'm tired of always granting that forgiveness without ever giving it a second thought. Well, guess what? I've been giving it more than a second thought, I've given it a third, a fourth, a fifth and so on.
I considered you my only love, something I never thought I would call anyone in this world. Yet you meant so much to me, enough to make me believe you were the one. And now I wonder why... Why was I so fooled into believing that you would want to be included in that part of my life? That you would want to fulfill a destiny with a clumsy idiot like myself. We met each other years ago. And in less than half of the first year you knew just about all there was to know about me. And now I question if you even care that you know so much about me. Does it even matter to you? Do you really care at all that Tsukino Usagi trusted you with her heart and soul? Well, I think I know the answer to that one. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. And it's about darn time I realized that fact. You don't give a darn about me no matter how much you say it. You've done nothing to prove it, yet I'm stupid enough to have done EVERYTHING to prove that you were important to me. Why am I so ignorant that I chase around for your love like a dog chases after its tail?
It stops today. Today is when I let go, what you asked me to do the day you broke my heart. Your wish is granted today.
But before I do that I have a few things to tell you. I have to tell you that yes you, in fact, have hurt me. Hurt me too much, hurt me SO much that there were days that I had to cry myself to sleep. Cry myself to sleep, Mamoru! You have been the cause of my lonely nights, the nights when I huddled in a corner of my room and rocked myself back and forth with tears streaming from my eyes and asking God why this was happening to me? Yes you, innocent little Chiba Mamoru, are the cause of my constant pain. Pain that surpasses the many deaths I have gone through for our love. Why? It's not like you ever loved me to begin with. But you, stole my heart and returned its shattered fragments to me. In my anger, I am letting out my deepest emotions, something you should never be granted, but I grant them in my haste to get this over with.
Now, I do have enough sense of mind to thank you, for the joy you brought into my life. But like everything in my life it's about time that it comes to an end. I appreciate you having made me smile those days I needed to smile, but it was you who was often the reason for my frowns to begin with. I realize that now. I'm not blinded by the love I felt for you anymore. True what they say "Love sometimes makes a fool of the smartest of people." But it seems you have used and re-used my love so many times that it has just burnt out. Mamoru, how could you have broken my heart in such a cold way? How could you have said that you no longer loved me? God, I loved you, Mamoru. Loved you more than any single human being could possibly love! Are you so blind that you can't see the things right in front of you? For crying out loud, I told you I loved you every time you hugged me, every time your lips met mine in a tender, loving kiss that warmed my soul. You, Mamoru, were the first boy to have ever made my heart pitter patter, and I'm sorry to place that burden on you, the burden of being a girl's first love.
The thing that pisses me off so very damn much is the fact that you say I mean a lot to you. That it was hard to have to break up with me. That when you had no one I was the only one there for you. You say all these things but you act so damn different. Why don't you treat me as such? As a girl who has never abandoned you in your times of need. Because don't think I'm going to be modest now. I will say that I should be slightly, if not grandly, appreciated for all the things I have done for you. I will say I have done A LOT for you. So much that there are things you didn't even know I did for you. And I'm pissed. Because although I never did these things for a thank you, I think I deserved just a little one. Don't you? Don't you think that the way you treated and continue treating me is wrong? Do you ever think, "Maybe I should treat Usagi a little nicer today?" Because I very much doubt you could ever think that.
You want people to consider you a cold-hearted jerk? Well, guess what? Your wish is my command. You are granted the title of jerk and so much more. There was a time where your happiness was MY happiness. A time when all I wanted to do was make you forget your horrible past, and let you know that I was here for you. A time when I couldn't wait for our future to start because then and only then would you realize the happiness I so wanted to give you. But now I realize that my happiness has never been any ones happiness, so why the hell should yours be mine? It's come to the point where my self content is much more important than yours. I may have become conceited, selfish, and whatever the hell words you can come up with, but frankly Mamoru, I just don't care! I very much doubt that if I dropped dead one morning, you'd care. That you would mourn the lost of your "princess". That my existence in this world makes half a difference to you. I've never hated you, Mamoru, because I always thought I was too good a person to hate anybody, no matter how mean and cynical that person could be. I was always told I'm such a nice, sweet, caring girl and so I lived up to that by only pitying those who did not have enough heart to be those things as well. But guess what? Things change. And you have opened up a new feeling to me, the feeling of profound hate. No not blind rage, because I don't think anyone can make me feel that no matter how much of an ass they are, but hate. So much that I wish to avoid you at whatever cost possible.
I loved you, no doubt about it. There's no denying. And I hate myself, for loving and hating you at the very same time. I wish I could hate you completely and feel absolutely NO love for you anymore. But I do. And that makes this all the much harder and painful. There's still a little part of my heart telling me that what I'm doing is wrong, that come tomorrow morning I'll regret it. But I would prefer to regret doing this, than regret not doing this. I'm cut in half between the part of my heart that will always continue to love you and the other half that hates you. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just so deeply hurt that I prefer to hate you then feel the pangs of pain at my heart. If I don't write this, I feel I will never forgive myself. Many say I'm a confusing little girl, but then I tell them I'm not a little girl anymore. I can't run around like a maniac anymore and laugh like a silly little school girl, because now I know for every mistake there's a consequence. And I'm paying for that mistake right now, the mistake of falling for a man that doesn't even love me enough to live up to the destiny we were given. Mamoru, you called me Usako, Usako damn it! Why, why did you call me that, if it never meant anything? You didn't love me!
I can't continue to wake up every morning and have you plague my every thought, I can't continue to love you the way I do because frankly, I'm just not strong enough. And maybe you haven't realized what this is yet. So I might as well write it out.
This is good-bye Mamoru. There won't be anymore 'Usagi coming back and saying she's sorry' because there is NOTHING for me to be sorry about. Don't worry, I won't attach myself to your leg and plead for your love. I will not pass by the Crown hoping to get a glimpse of you and you will not receive childish phone calls from me any longer. I give up. Do me a favor, and don't try to find me. Although, I doubt you will, don't try to search for me because I'm leaving. You will never have to see this little 'Odango Atama' EVER again! I don't want you to find me and attempt an apology, for my imagination has already come up with a million explanations, and none of them will ever be good enough. Not after all we've been through. So this is how I end it: with a letter and best wishes to you. Don't think that I wish your life turns to hell. My wishes are far from that. I wish many things for you; none of them are bad. I wish happiness for you and I won't be the one to give it to you. I wish your dreams come true and that your perfect girl comes one day because obviously I was not her. I hope you realize that Chibi-Usa will never be. That Crystal Tokyo will never be. That you and me will never be. Destiny doesn't matter. Destiny fell apart the moment you broke my heart. I'm out of here. I can't stand to look at the places you and me went together and realize that our love was a fake. That a millennium of fighting for this love was in vain.
I might be stupid for doing this and not having the guts to tell you face to face but who the hell cares. Don't think that I don't love you just because I'm doing this. Know that five years from now, I'll be remembering you as my first love. Know that as soon as I deliver this I will not look back. I don't say this in a mean way, I say it as a fact. So, have a good life, Mamoru. Thank you for the good things you did, and I'm sorry for the bad ones that you probably didn't really realize you did. If someone else like me comes into your life, do me a favor and treat her just a bit better. I doubt anyone will put up with things the way I did, unless they love you the way I did. I very much doubt anyone can do that. I won't delay this good-bye any longer. So I'll leave with these last words: "Sometimes love just isn't enough."
Wishing things were different,
Tsukino Usagi
I just want to get it over with
If you are reading this for the first time, please do not go on to Chapter 2 as I am planning on editing it and changing lots of things around. I do appreciate reviews and am highly motivated by them! And I realize that the first time I uploaded this chapter a lot of people were confused on whether there would be an story to this. Obviously there is. If you have any ideas or comments, feel free to email me cause ideas are DEFINITELY appreciated.
Belle
