Chapter 2
Auron Has Problems
Yeah, YOU heard me. Auron has problems. Or actually, a PROBLEM. I know what you're thinking. Could he be an alcholic? He DOES take a swig of the drink everytime he wins a battle, and that can't be good. Or maybe you're thinking, he's scarred for life because he was in love with Braska and nothing can EVER, EVER bring that crazy High Summoner back! Maybe you even went so far to say… he's DEAD. Of course he has problems!
But no. Auron is pretty okay with all that. He doesn't let it get to him. He does let ONE thing get to him, though. And that is the horror… of Auron's chunky arm.
Let's go back to the very beginning, to see where this problem started.
Young Auron. You know, the crazy Auron WITHOUT the sunglasses or the wine or the raspy voice, and the little ponytail that made you chuckle warmly. And the voice that reminds me of Jeff Goldblum. Back then, Auron kept BOTH of his arms in plain sight. He didn't keep one hidden. Why? Because both of his arms were perfectly proportinate! He had NOTHING to hide!
Then Auron went on some adventures with Jecht and Braska… became sad because everyone died including him, then went off to go find that idiot boy Tidus, blah de blah, you know the story. As time passed, Auron got older, cooler, and STRONGER. Compared to that old sissy Auron with the ponytail, he was… COOL TO THE MAX! Except for one thing… his arm.
I remember the first time I play Final Fantasy 10. I thought Auron was the shiz-nizzle my home fizzle. He had SUNGLASSES, and his mouth was hidden from view and he needed to shave but he DIDN'T. He looked like a strange mix of Bono, Shino, and Wolverine. One thing I found REALLY cool about Auron was… one of his arms was hidden!
At first I thought maybe he didn't have another arm and felt bad for him. But then I realized he had it folded into his coat, and that just made Auron seem even COOLER! Boy, Auron was my idol in those days! I was so sad when he didn't appear after Tidus went back to Spira.
Time passed… more crazy characters appeared… but no one could take the place of that shizz-nizzle Auron. Finally, after much waiting, he was back! And he was ready to fight! All of a sudden, Auron flung off his coat, and I was greeted with the horror that is…
THE CHUNKY ARM.
There is seriously something wrong with that arm. FIRST of all, it looks younger than the rest of Auron. It looks like he went through some sort of time portal, but stuck his arm out so it wouldn't age. Second of all, it's hairless. I'm not saying Auron is particularly hairy, but that arm looks like it's been WAXED or something. THIRD of all, it's a different shade of skin tone than the rest of his body. Maybe because he keeps it hidden from everyone because he's embarassed of it.
But most importantly of all, it's CHUNKY. Horribly so. ' It's just muscular, because he's strong!' Someone once argued. No. It's chunky. There's no getting around it.
There are many theories to why the arm was that way. Perhaps, since Auron was such a superdork when he was young, he made a pact with the Devil to become the Shizz-nizzle when he was older. But he had to sacrifice his arm, and so therefore doesn't reveal it often.
Or maybe the game designers just weren't that concerning on making Auron's arm look good. They were probably more obsessed with Wakka's arms, since he uses them more. But still, that's no excuse.
Maybe Auron's other arm is chunky too, and they're proportinate. But it's not like we'll ever SEE that arm.
Anyway, when it comes down to it, Auron has a problems. He's an alcholic. He was in love with Braska. He used to be a superdork. He's DEAD.
And he has a chunky arm.
HOOONK! (transition purposes)
" Hello everyone. My name is Auron." Said Auron in a very sexy old guy voice.
" Hi Auron." Said everybody.
"… and I am an alcholic." Auron finished, then sat down in his little chair. Then he looked up at the clock, and then back at AAAAALL the people in the room and sighed mentally. WHY he had gone to the meeting, he wasn't sure. He had come up with the idea earlier for some reason.
He had probably been drunk. Oh, the irony!
" Hi everybody. My name is Napoleon Bonaparte." Said Napoleon Bonaparte.
" Hi Napoleon." Said everybody.
" And I am ALSO an alcholic." Napoleon said and sat down.
" Hi everyone." Said the next person. " My name is Hwgina Darhotecnuonrp."
"Hi….uh…mumble…" Everyone said awkwardly.
" And I am ALSO an alcholic." Said Hwgina Darhotecnuonrp. Then she sat down.
" Do we have to go through everyone?" Auron asked in a mild-mannered voice.
" YES. EVERYONE deserves a chance to introduce themselves." Said some crazy happy lady named Ginny that was in charge of the AA Meeting.
" Well… do they all have to keep saying, ' I am an alcholic.' It's obvious that that's why we're here." Auron pointed out.
" To say it is… to ADMIT it." Ginny said in a very slow voice as if Auron couldn't understand english.
Auron decided to not press it anymore and sat through a few more people. Finally, he got up and asked, " Can I go to the restroom?"
" SURELY!" Said Ginny in a voice that was very…perky.
Auron got up and walked out of the room, straight past the bathroom, and out of that crazy AA Meeting, and promised to never go back. The AA Meeting building then exploded. Why did it explode you ask? Well…
I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.
So, as Auron is NEVER going back to that crazy AA Meeting, it's just gone off and exploded. Along with Napoleon. I guess now his name is Napoleon BLOWN-A-PARTE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HA!
…
ANYWAY, now that he was free of that annoying meeting, Auron walked down the road, wondering what to do next. Being dead and the Shizz-nizzle and chunky armed, I really don't know what he CAN do. After all, he can't linger about and make cryptic remarks anymore. THAT part of the game is over.
Auron thought about just giving up on Spira and go off to live on the Farplane, but the Farplane doesn't have things that Spira has. Like… ALCHOL. Auron looked down at his Gatorade-filled wine jug (he HAS been trying to fix his habit) and frowned. He decided to go and wine and dine!
Just as he made this decision, who came waltzing up but… LUZZU! YAAAAY! EVERYONE LIKES LUZZU! But not Gatta. And if you like Gatta… you need help.
" HI, Sir Auron!" Luzzu said warmly, clapping one hand on Auron's shoulder. Auron just sort of stared at Luzzu in a confused manner. He was trying to remember who Luzzu was! It's not like Auron really ever CARED about the Crusaders or anything. I know I never cared about the Crusaders. I just like Luzzu!
Luzzu is the man! His hair it's just like… THERE! OH YEAH!
" What did you want?" Auron asked Luzzu mildly in not the most buddy buddy kind of tones.
" What did I WANT? Sir Auron, you're so silly." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " I'm your sponsor!"
" My what?" Auron asked. He was still walking by the way. He was hoping that if he kept walking, maybe he would OUTWALK Luzzu and escape any talk.
" Your SPONSOR. I know breaking the habit is hard. But you look like you'll do a fine job! I know! Let's hang out, as Sponsor and Sponsered and celebrate your NEW outlook on life! Where were you headed anyway?" Luzzu asked.
" The bar." Auron replied, not really caring what Luzzu thought.
Luzzu paused. " To play POOL?" He asked hopefully.
" Not really." Auron admitted, turning near a bar.
" Now, Sir Auron, Sir Auron, Sir Auron…" Luzzu said, shaking his head, and putting one arm over Auron's shoulder. " You and I both know-"
" Could you please remove your arm from your shoulder?" Auron asked in a scary voice. He was probably just jealous of Luzzu's arm's UN-chunkiness.
" Sure thing. Sir Auron, you can't go to a bar and drink! That ruins the whole purpose of going to the AA meeting! I, as your sponsor, will not let you." Luzzu said firmly.
Auron thought about knocking Luzzu out, and just walking into the bar, but that's UNETHICAL and Auron is a man of ethics. So he decided to just humour Luzzu for awhile then slip away when he wasn't looking.
" Okay." Said Auron.
" ALL-RIGHT!" Luzzu cheered. " Now… let's think of some nice, healthy, fun non-inebriating activity to do! Right?"
" Hmm…" Said Auron since he didn't know such a thing existed.
" Let's go see… a MOVIE!" Luzzu said like it was the best idea in the whole world.
" I don't like movies." Auron said.
" Not even the AVIATOR?" Luzzu asked in a hintful voice.
" Especially not the Aviator." Auron replied.
Luzzu tried to hide his dissapointment, and tried again. " Okay… then let's go shoot some hoops!"
" No." Said Auron, because he didn't want to partake in ANY activity that might involve his chunky arm.
" Well, Sir Auron, what do YOU want to do?" Luzzu asked in a patient way.
Auron looked around at a loss for anything to say, and then said the first thing that popped into his mind. " Let's go gamble on Chocobos."
" OKAY!" Luzzu said. Maybe it didn't occur to him that gambling was nearly, if not JUST as bad as drinking but… OH WELL! So he and Auron made their ways to the Buddy Barn Chocobo Race Track together.
" Welcome to the Buddy Barn Chocobo Race Track Ticket Booth!" That Buddy Barn Guy said brightly as they both walked up the the ticket booth. " How much will you be betting today?"
" Well, not THAT much…" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno since he didn't really have that much money. " I'd say about… five-"
" Million Gil." Auron finished in a very unfazed voice.
Luzzu gave Auron a crazy look. " Uh… Sir Auron…"
" That much? Are you SURE?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, because even though he's making money, he doesn't want to be some kind of mean person that drives Auron and Luzzu out of house and home.
" Yes." Auron told That Buddy Barn Guy. Then he bet all that money on a Chocobo named Teioh. With Luzzu at his side, they walked off the the race tracks where many other ignorant gammbling masses had already gathered.
" Uh… Sir Auron… do you really have that amount of money?" Luzzu asked Auron, not wanting to sound too rude.
" No." Said Auron, sitting down in his seat, secretly enjoying the panicked expression on Luzzu's face.
" But… what if we LOSE?" Luzzu asked in an ever so slightly doubtful voice. Luzzu is pretty easy going but this is even making HIM nervous.
" We won't." Auron said as if he knew. But he didn't. The fact that he's DEAD means he can do whatever he wants and not care about the consequences. How fun that must be for you, Auron!
" Well… I guess I'm gonna have to trust ya on that one!" Luzzu laughed nervously, as they watched all the crazy racing Chocobo's line up. Luzzu looked for Teioh and saw it was some crazy hispanic man with a sombrero riding on a Black Chocobo.
" Hey look! It's that famous Chocobo rider that always wins unless you use the cheat code!" Luzzu exclaimed, and praised the evil Beetle and all the other crazy things those Spirans do.
Little did he know that Teioh's rider had eaten one too many burritos and wasn't the Chocobo rider he had been in his old days. As the gun went off, Luzzu watched with hopeful spirits. Auron was just sitting there with a bored expression, sipping Gatorade out of his wine sack.
And so! The race was on! Everyone cheered for their crazy birds! Well… Auron didn't. But everyone else did.
Even though he's out of style and shape, Teioh was actually coming through in second place! But he was against… THE CHOCOBINATOR. The biggest, meanest racing Chocobo with Down Syndrome in the world. As they pulled in neck in neck, The Chocobinator pecked Teioh a good one on the head, and rushed past and came in first.
" YAAAAY!" Screamed all of the crazy people that had voted for the Chocobinator.
" NOOOO!" Yelled everyone who had lost, including Luzzu. Auron didn't care.
" We lost! What are we going to do? We owe a million dollars to Buddy Barn Guy Chocobo Race Track now…" Luzzu said, REALLY wishing they had gone and seen The Aviator now.
" What are we gonna do?" He asked Auron again.
" Leave." Said Auron.
" And not TELL anybody or pay That Buddy Barn Guy back?" Luzzu asked in a surprised voice.
" Yep." Auron replied as he started to walk out of the Race Track.
" Sir Auron, as your sponsor and a CRUSADER, I feel very bad about doing this." Luzzu admitted.
Auron shrugged and continued to walk out. Giving into peer pressure, Luzzu followed him, feeling the same of being… UNSPONSORLY. And UNCRUSADERLY.
The race track and all the gambling people exploded. Just as they were about to turn the corner, That Buddy Barn Guy ran up to Auron and Luzzu.
" HEY. You guys owe me a million gil!" That Buddy Barn Guy said with his hands on his hips.
" Yeah… about that…" Luzzu said shamefully.
" We don't have it." Auron said bluntly.
" But you BET it on your Chocobo!" That Buddy Barn Guy gasped in an offended voice.
Auron shrugged in a Clint Eastwood kinda way.
" You LIE? To Buddy Barn Guy, you LIE?" That Buddy Barn Guy demanded, drawing himself up in an offended manner. " Well! I never! Mark my words, you're going to PAY for this! A MILLION gil!"
" That's how much I owe you." Said Auron.
" That's the POINT!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled.
" Oh." Said Auron.
That Buddy Barn Guy shot them a very ugly, foreboding look, then whipped out his magical orcarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go. Luzzu and Auron watched him go, then looked at each other.
" …do you think he's going to sue us or something?" Luzzu said slowly.
Auron shrugged. He's DEAD. He doesn't care about gettng sued.
" I hope he doesn't cut off my credit cards! Or my LIBRARY card!" Luzzu said fretfully.
" Can we go to the bar now?" Auron asked, not having learned any lesson from this experience whatsoever.
" Only if we're going to play pool and drink water!" Luzzu said.
" How about we meet each other halfway and play pool and drink wine?" Auron asked.
Luzzu thought about it for awhile. " Okay!" He said. " Giving up the habit has a lot to do with meeting each other halfway!" Even though it doesn't.
Having succsessfully manipulated that silly, silly Luzzu, Auron began walking towards the bar. They were a few feet away when suddenly a long, sinister looking black car slid up right in front of them like it BELONGED there.
" You're blocking the bar." Auron told the car.
" MACHINA!" Luzzu shouted and started to panic but then got over it.
Suddenly the window rolled down, and the little voodoo doll Cait Sith peered out, with the little voodoo doll Moogle sitting next to him. In the back were the Onionknight, Cactuar and Alien.
" We hear you been cheatin' our pal, That Buddy Barn Guy." Voodoo Doll Cait Sith said in an italian accent, smoking a cigar. " We don't take too kindly to that."
" And who are you supposed to be?" Auron asked calmly, or as calm as someone can talk to a stuffed animal driving a car.
" We are… the VOODOO Mafia." The Voodoo Moogle said in a threatening voice. " I'm Tony."
" I'm Lenny." Said the Cactuar.
" I'm Parsneezi." Said the Onion Knight.
" I'm an alien." Said the Alien.
" And I'm the God Sith. And you might wanna think twice before you make bets you can't afford. If you can't get the money to our pal by next Saturday… you might find a pin in your head. LITERALLY." The God Sith warned.
" How can you have a pin in your head UNLITERALLY?" Luzzu asked foolishly.
The God Sith snapped his fingers. Parsneezi raised up a little voodoo doll of Luzzu and stuck a pen in it's head.
" OUCH!" Said Luzzu, grabbing his head.
" Get me?" The God Sith asked and then snapped his… paw. Then the car went zooming out.
" What are we gonna do Sir Auron? The Mafia's after us!" Luzzu asked Auron.
Auron frowned. HE didn't care that the Mafia was after him because… he's dead! But the Mafia being after Luzzu was… annoying! Poor Auron doesn't want to be responsible for Luzzu's death too!
Like I said, Auron has problems. He's an alcholic. He was in love with Braska. He's dead. He has a chunky arm. Luzzu is his sponsor. The Voodoo Mafia is after him. He owes That Buddy Barn Guy a million gil.
So what ARE you gonna do, Sir Auron?
Auron thought about it for a few bit. Then he turned to Luzzu.
" Let's go get a drink." He said.
OMAKE!
Well! It's nice that we got reviews from both new readers and OLD readers! (dances) Oh, you crazy meddling ferrets! In any case, some of you were intelligent enough to ask questions but not TOO many of you! Come on people! You know how to ask questions! ASK! ASSSSSK!
Strangely, all the questions are about Tidus's hair! HARDY HAR HAR! Oh well! There could be questions about WORSE things.
Perpetual Hysteria: (nice to see you again, hysteric one!) Tidu's hair.What does everyone think about it, eh? Yuna, do YOU think it's natural? I bet it isn't. What about That Buddy Barn Guy? Bigfoot? Hayley? Ifrit? ...Gumba and Wumba? What do YOU guys think of Tidus' hair, hmm?
Hayley: Well… I think it's generic and boring. Let's ask everyone!
Yuna: I think it's natrual and lovely and blah blah I'm so nice.
That Buddy Barn Guy: I think he should wear a HAT! LIKE ME!
Bigfoot: HAIR. FUZZY. PRETTY.
Ifrit: Ach, tis a bonny head of hair!
Gumba: I support President Tidus!
Wumba: I am IMPRESSED by his hair!
…
Next question!
Duct Tape Kitten: Why is Tidus's hair blonde? What were Square Enix thinking?!
Hayley: Well… let's see…
(imagination sequence)
Square-Enix: Ahahaha, we are so rich and cool we can do whatever we want.
Designer: I think his hair should be blonde.
Square-Enix: Ahahahaha, even though that's already been done with Cloudu and Zidaneu, let's do it with this guy too. We are rich we can do whatever we want.
(end imagination sequence)
…yeah, that about sums it up.
Anyway, ask MORE questions! And get more answers! That's how life works! YEAH! THE POWER OF TEAMWORKU!
Ja ne!
