Chapter 3

Plans For NOT Blitzball

After a long day of drawing pictures of little stick figures, which at first were supposed to represent the game, but quickly turned into little stick figure Matrix scene renactments, Gumba and Wumba told Tidus they had to go back home and that they'd be back tomorrow. That Buddy Barn Guy had long since finished covering the hole and whipped out his magical orcarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Wow… what a day! I abolished Blitzball in my own home and had a Committee!" Tidus exclaimed, while brushing his teeth. " I'm so happy!"

Little did I know… for long there wouldn't be that much to be happy about. Said a sudden offscreen angsty, wistful Tidus voice.

" Hey… who said that?" Tidus asked.

It's me. The depressed, annoyingly ominous version of you that serves for narration purpose. Said the Angsty Tidus.

" Well… you're depressing. And I don't need you anymore. So why don't you just go away?" Tidus said.

But… I'm here to remind you that all your happiness is futile!

" GO AWAY!"

Little did I KNOW at that time, but I was being a real ASSHOLE. The Angsty Tidus narrated in an offended voice, and then quit talking. Tidus shrugged, finished brushing his teeth, flossed, got into his pajamas and then walked off to his bed.

Yuna was standing there at the door waiting for him. She wasn't wearing pajamas. Why? Because well… I just can't imagine her wearing pajamas. So she was just wearing her crazy old Summoner Robes. She probably has other clothes beside that, but I don't like hoochie pants so OH WELL!

" Ready for bed?" She asked Tidus.

" Uh-huh!" Said Tidus.

" Well… goodnight!" Yuna said in a boring way and walked off to her bedroom.

" Goodnight!" Said Tidus and walked off into his bedroom.

Um… isn't it strange that you guys live together in a Honeymoon Mansion… and sleep in separate bedrooms? Oh well. Maybe they're both still maturing. That's the impression I got from playing the game.

Tidus was about to get into his bed when he noticed Ifrit was sitting on it. And that the bed was on fire.

" IFRIT!" Tidus yelled.

" Wha' is it, sonny?" Ifrit asked in an oblivious way.

" You're setting my bed on fire!" Tidus whined.

" Oh." Said Ifrit, looking down at the flaming bed. " Ah'm sorry. I was no' thinkin'!"

" TELL me about it! Well, now I have to go sleep on the couch!" Tidus grumbled, not even bothering to put out the fire on the bed.

" Why do you no' go sleep with Lassie Yuna?" Ifrit asked.

Tidus stared at him. " Why would I do something like THAT?" He asked.

"…no reason! Sorry again!" Ifrit replied, not believing how stupid Tidus was. Tidus shook his head again at that crazy Flaming Ifrit, and walked down to go sleep on the couch.

" Goodnight!" Tidus called to the whole house, settling down on the couch.

" Goodnight!" Yuna called since the walls are very thin.

" Goo'night, laddie!" Ifrit called, the air smelling very smoky.

I thought that the good night would go on forever… Said Angsty Narrator Tidus. Tidus ignored him and then fell asleep! RIGHT AWAY! To save time.

In his dreams, Tidus was frolicking about with all his friends and NOT playing Blitzball. Instead, they were playing Tag, a game that really doesn't take as much concentration or breath holding. As he was laughing, suddenly the sky went dark overhead and all his friends dissapeared.

" What's wrong?!" Tidus cried as thunder boomed in the background, and suddenly… who was standing in front of him, but… JECHT!

NOOOO!

" What are you doing running around like a fool, BOY?" Jecht asked in his gruff, mean old voice.

" Tag!" Tidus replied hotly.

" TAG?! TAG?! My SON PLAYING TAG?!" Jecht raged as if Tidus had just confessed to murdering people.

" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CRITICIZE EVERYTHING THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME?!" Tidus yelled.

" What happened to Blitzball?" Jecht demanded.

" I've given up on Blitzball!" Tidus declared.

Jecht chuckled darkly. " Oh YEAH RIGHT. Blitzball is in your blood… and your dreams… and your OVERDRIVES! You can't stop playing it!"

" Oh yeah? WELL, WATCH ME!" Tidus snapped.

" The day you quit playing Blitzball is the day I put on a shirt. And we BOTH know that'll NEVER happen." Jecht declared and then poofled away. Then Tidus dreamed that a bunch of little kids were all throwing Blitzballs at him and kept chanting, ' WE WANT AN AUTOGRAPH!'

" No… no… I DON'T HAVE A PEN!" Tidus cried, just as Yuna shook him awake. She blinked.

" Are you alright?" Yuna asked.

" Oh… Yuna! It was all just a terrible dream!" Tidus said, sitting up.

" Would you like to talk about it?" Yuna asked.

So then Tidus told her. When he was done, Yuna nodded and said, " Well, that sounds pretty frightening. But no matter what you do, Tidus, I'm right behind you."

" Thanks Yuna." Tidus said and then it was a sickeningly happy moment and there were shojo sparklies in the background and Hayley excused herself while she went off to vomit.

" Top o' the mornin' to ye all!" Ifrit said, coming down the stairs. " What be for breakfast?"

" I haven't made it yet…" Yuna said, and then started to mentally beat herself up for not doing so.

" Do no' be worryin' ye head, lassie! AH will be makin' the breakfast!" Ifrit reassured her, and walked off into the kitchen. Tidus went off, got dressed, brushed his teeth and then went back downstairs. Just as he did… THE DOORBELL RANG! YAAAAAY!

Tidus walked down to the door and opened it up. It was Gumba and Wumba! Hurrah! They had a big fancy looking folder each and both of them looked very excited.

" Good morning President!" Both of them said. Actually, they said 'Taijou' because that's Japanese for 'President' and I like how it sounds better.

" Hi Gumba and Wumba! What's in the folders?" Tidus asked, showing them in.

" We came up with some ideas of our own, Taijou, and sketched them out! We hope you'll look at them!" Said Gumba.

" EVEN I came up with one!"Wumba exclaimed.

" I bet you did, Wumba, I bet you did." Tidus chuckled like Kureno. " And I'm sure if we combine all of our ideas together, we'll continue to come up with the best game EVER!"

" YOSH!" The three of them cheered.

" Oh yeah! Taijou, did you know there's a big hole burned into the side of your house?" Wumba asked Tidus.

" BREAKFAST BE READY!" Ifrit called.

HOOONK!

" You got ANOTHER hole?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked.

" I'm so sorry…" Yuna said, filling out the check to him. Meanwhile, Tidus, Gumba, and Wumba were getting ready to try Ifrit's… cooking.

" What IS this, exactly?" Tidus asked, as Ifrit placed a bowl of steaming… stuff, in front of all of them.

" HAGGIS!" Ifrit said.

" What's Haggis?" Gumba asked doubtfully. Wumba, who was impressed by Ifrit's cooking, started wolfing it all down immediately.

" Do you no' ken even the simplest of scottish recipes?" Ifrit said sadly.

" I BURNT MY TONGUE!" Wumba cried and ran off to get a drink.

Gumba and Tidus shrugged, and both took a spoonful, blew on it, then sipped.

" It be sheep's gut!" Ifrit said.

Wumba spit out the haggis and ran out to throw up. Tidus ate all of it because… Tidus is strange that way. When he walked out of the kitchen, he saw Gumba and Wumba standing there, waiting for him attentively.

" Okay! Let's see those great ideas you've been cooking up!" Tidus said, and they all went to go sit in the living room. Wumba was so excited about showing his idea that he was starting to hypervenilate, so they decided to just let him show his idea before he fainted or something.

" Okay… here it is!" Wumba said and cleared his throat, then began to read his idea outloud.

" Well… first of all, there's two teams. And the two teams hit a ball back and forth. They try and get the balls into NETS. But there's someone blocking the nets, so it's hard. And when they get it in the net, they get a POINT!"

"… and where do they play it at?" Tidus asked.

" UNDERWATER!" Wumba said enthusiastically.

" Uh… Wumba, you just described Blitzball." Tidus said.

" Oh…" Said Wumba after looking at his game plans. Then he crumpled them up and sat down with a shamed look on his face.

" Okay… well… why don't YOU talk about YOUR ideas, Gumba?" Tidus asked Gumba.

" I CAN'T! Wumba COPIED my ideas!" Gumba declared in an outraged voice.

" Okay. Listen people. We are NOT MAKING BLITZBALL. We're making a NEW game! Okay?" Tidus said, standing up.

" Okay…" Said Gumba and Wumba desolately.

" Now I'll talk about some of MY ideas. First of all, I want my game to be safe, so I think the ball should be soft." Said Tidus.

" SOFT!" Gumba and Wumba echoed, taking notes.

" And the game will ALSO not take place underwater." Tidus added.

" Soft and DRY!" Gumba and Wumba said, taking more notes. Then they looked expectantly at Tidus.

"… that's all I've come up with so far." Tidus admitted.

" Wha' about POINTS? How will ye be scorin' POINTS?" Ifrit asked, walking into the room wearing an apron that was on fire.

" Well… I dunno… not in NETS…" Tidus said.

" How about… HOLES?" Gumba said foolishly.

" Okay… SOFT, DRY and in HOLES." Tidus said. " We can make a game like that."

" Even though the ball is soft, will we still get hit in the head with it? Because I didn't like getting hit in the head with Blitzball." Wumba said.

" And will the holes be marked? I don't wanna trip over them." Gumba added.

" HOLD ON, PEOPLE! I CAN ONLY THINK SO FAST!" Tidus exclaimed. Just as he was getting ready to address these new issues… THE DOORBELL RANG! YAAAAY!

" Hold those thoughts." Tidus told Gumba and Wumba. Then he went to go get the door.

At the door were… Wakka and Kimahri! HURRAH! Both of them were wearing party hats and wearing banners that said ' HAPPY 2005.'

" HELLO, TIDUS!" Wakka exclaimed. " Happy New Year!"

" Hi Wakka. But… it's not New Years…" Tidus said slowly.

" It's not?" Wakka asked in a confused voice.

" No." Said Tidus. " It was almost a month ago."

" Oh." Said Wakka. Kimahri blew his little party horn thing. Then there was an awkward silence.

" You look just like Chappu!" Said Wakka, even though… Tidus looks NOTHING like Chappu! Chappu looks like WAKKA'S clone! ARGH! NOOOO!

" Thanks?" Tidus said.

" Well… since it's not New Years or anything… I guess there was no reason for me to come visit… even though I haven't seen you guys in awhile…" Wakka said in a neglected voice, looking longingly inside the house.

" Yep!" Said Tidus obliviously.

" Okay…well… see you…" Wakka said, and started moving away from the door at the speed of a catepillar.

" BYE!" Said Tidus and slammed the door. Then he went back to Gumba and Wumba.

" Who was it, Taijou?" Gumba asked.

" It was Wakka." Tidus replied.

" Did you tell him about our new game?" Gumba asked.

"…no… I don't think that would do him that much good actually." Tidus admitted because, well, Wakka loves Blitzball a little TOO much.

" Ach! I do very well think I'm a very fine cook! Do you no' agree?" Ifrit asked randomly, coming into the room with a big plate of cookies clutched between his flaming mittens.

Everyone tried a cookie.

" WOW, Ifrit… you really ARE a great cook!" Tidus lied, because those cookies were burnt to a crisp.

" I ken! All me life I been lookin' for a reason to exist, and now I've found it! Tisn't it bonny?" Ifrit asked. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly. They didn't want to tell Ifrit, the God of Fire, that his cooking sucked like… a really sucky thing.

" Ah'm not gonna be a fire Aeon anymore! Ye ken I'm going to be… THE MASTER CHEF!" Ifirt declared, and with this new purpose in life, marched off back to the kitchen, ready to cook up all sorts of heavenly delights. Then he realized he didn't know how to make anything but haggis. But this didn't get good old Ifrit down! He walked back out and up to the three boys.

" Can ye lads go and get me a cookbook, and some bonny ingredients from ye grocery store?" Ifrit asked.

" I dunno… we're coming up with some REALLY groundbreaking stuff here…" Tidus said reluctantly.

" PLEEEEEEASE?" Ifrit cried.

" Oh, OKAY." Tidus said, getting up. " Come on guys! Let's go the the Grocery Store! And while we're there, we can look for SUPPLIES for our new game!"

" HURRAH!" Said the three of them and marched out of the mansion into the sunset even though it's morning.

OMAKE!

WOW! You guys ask questions like you were BORN to ask questions! And who am I but to ANSWER them? Okay! Let's a go!

Duct Tape Kitten:

Auron, what's your favorite color?

Auron: (sarcasm) Well, DEFINITELY not red.

Bigfoot, if you had to choose, who would you save, Yuna or Tidus?

Hayley: WOO! SCENARIO TIME!

(Suddenly Yuna and Tidus are hanging from the cliff of Mt. Doom, clinging on for life)

Yuna and Tidus: HELP ME BIGFOOT!

Bigfoot: NOOOO! BIGFOOT SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR FRIENDS! (jumps into the lava)

Hayley: Uh… however noble that is, it still doesn't change the fact that they're both still hanging there…

Wow! THIS crazy person really likes to ask questions! Good thing I like to give answers.

why is Yuna so nice?

Hayley: Because she is… a foolish girl. AWK!

what are Auron's other problems?

Hayley: Wow, if he has even more than that… he's gonna need to go to counseling! Okay! He's um… He doesn't have an image song! NOOOOO!

when is Rikku gonna come?

Hayley: Eventually… I can't guarenetee that I won't KILL her, though…

what kind of gel does Wakka use for his hair?

Hayley: The same kind Jimmy Neutron does.

5. why doesn't Lulu look fat when she was pregnant?

Hayley: She wasn't REALLY pregnant.

was she REALLY pregnant?

Hayley: …

will the other aeons like Yojimbo or the Magus Sisters ever show up?

Hayley: YES! All of them but Valefor! I HATE YOU VALEFOR!

why did this chapter have nothing to do with Shooball?

Hayley: BECAUSE… BECAUSE! The magic of SEPARATE STORYLINES!

what did Kimahri eat to turn so blue?

Hayley: I THINK… he was born that way? No? Smurfs?

what is Seymour's sexual interest, straight or gay?

Hayley: I can either give you the yaoi fangirl answer or the yaoi fangirl answer. YES.

And for everyone who was confused with the last chapter… like I said… SEPARATE STORYLINES! OH NOOO! THEY'RE CONFUSING BUT FUN AT THE SAME TIME! EVERYONE PRAY THAT THE GREAT HAYLEY DOESN'T CONFUSE YOU TOO MUCH!

I'll do my best… don't worry! It won't be NEARLY as bad as Random Adventures with FF 7 Cast and Shoopuf Dude.

Ja ne!