Chapter 4

Seymour Has Problems

MEANWHILE, as crazy old Tidus started out on his way to the grocery store, Luzzu and Auron were standing in a bar next to a pool table, wondering how to save themselves from the Voodoo Mafia. Well, Auron was wandering how to save Luzzu.

" STRIKE!" Said Luzzu as he rammed one pool ball into another.

" Luzzu… in pool, it isn't called strike." Auron said.

" Oh!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " OKAY. Homerun!"

" It's not that either."

" Touchdown!"

" No."

" Goal!"

" No."

" Hole in One?"

" No."

" Then what IS it?" Luzzu demanded in a desperate voice. Auron started to answer but then realized… HE DIDN'T KNOW! ARGH! AND HE'S AURON! HE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING!

NOOOO!

" We have more important things to worry about. For one thing, we have the Voodoo Mafia after us." Auron said. " And unless we got them a million gil, you're screwed."

" Oh YEAH." Said Luzzu as if being chased down by the mafia was no big deal. And maybe it's not, to our dear friend Luzzu. " THE MAFIA. Wow! Where are we going to get a million gil, Sir Auron?"

" I do not know." Auron said and began to think.

" I KNOW! We can play POOL for money!" Luzzu said after five minutes.

" No," Said Auron. " We can't. Nobody plays pool but you."

" Oh… then let's sell stuff." Luzzu said.

" …Okay." Said Auron. " Like what?"

Luzzu thought and thought and thought but finally decided that he didn't have anything to sell because Luzzu doesn't have a house! He doesn't! Have YOU ever seen it? That's what I thought.

And so they thought and they thought and SUDDENLY, Auron had a GREAT IDEA! But he didn't get really excited because… he is Auron. And he is the shizz-nizzle.

" Luzzu, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Auron asked Luzzu.

" Yes, Sir Auron! We can make pencils that taste like bacon, and bacon that tastes like pencils!" Luzzu enthused.

"…no." Auron said slowly.

" We can play pool?" Luzzu tried.

" No." Auron said, trying to have patience with his sponsor. " We can rob a bank."

" ROB A BANK?" Luzzu gasped, then frowned. " I dunno, Sir Auron… that doesn't sound like the BEST idea…"

" Well it's better than your ideas." Said Auron.

" You're right!" Luzzu chuckled like the easy going guy he is. " But Sir Auron, I don't know how to rob a bank!"

" Well… neither do I." Auron admitted.

" I bet someone really EVIL would know how." Luzzu remarked.

" Well, who do we know that's really evil?" Auron asked.

DUN-DUN-DUN!

Seymour has problems. Possibly more than Auron. Okay, MUCH MORE than Auron.

First of all, he's half guado, that sounds like guano. Second of all, his hair is blue. Third of all, he's the least coolest villian that was ever in a Final Fantasy game. And if you want to argue, then go ahead, but know that Kuja, Kefka, Sephiroth, Crazy Witch Lady, and Garland are laughing their asses off at Seymour.

Did I mention his name is SEYMOUR? Oooh… what a sinister name… SEYMOUR! Ooh… it's givin' me chills! SEYMOUR! SEYMOUR! Isn't it an EVIL name?

…no. No it's not. And when I hear Seymour, I think of Clefairy and the Moon Stone.

There's even more problems. Seymour, like Kuja, belongs to the club of villains known as, ' I'm the bad guy but I don't get to be the final boss battle.' Kuja was replaced with Mr. Swiss Cheese Head. Seymour was replaced with the evil beetle that is impossible to lose against. Oh, shame, shame.

Did I mention that he… GASP, killed his father? Or that he KISSED YUNA AGAINST HER WILL! NO! BLASPHEMY! How about the fact that he has blue hair? I already said that? Okay.

Yes, Seymour has many problems. But right now, he has ONE problem that's a lot worse than any of the things I've listed. And that is…

Seymour's clothes make him look fat.

I'm serious! Have you SEEN his regular outfit? It's… so crazy! It makes him look like he's pregnant! And unless there's some weird Guado custom that I don't know about, I know he's not pregnant. He also looks like he has a beer belly, but we all know Seymour doesn't drink.

And his special priest outfit makes him look like… a fat priest. And when he's in his crazy creepy mode as a boss… it doesn't matter if he's fat or not, because he's a creepy crazy person.

Now, before you all get mad at me, I'm not saying Seymour IS fat. I'm certain that he's actually a very nice specimen of GuadoHumanhood. But he LOOKS fat. He just… DOES!

And don't think Seymour doesn't know. Cause he does. And being Seymour, he obsesses ENDLESSLY about it. Even more than the normal 'my angst-ridden past' bad guy angst, Seymour has self-confidence issues angst.

So, anyway, just before Luzzu and Auron partied down to see Seymour… let's tell you where Seymour actually is! He's not dead. Silly. He's alive and well and living in a mansion like Yuna's and Tidus's, only his is creepier and has a lot of crazy random Seymour minions running around. Everyone loves those crazy minions.

" LACKEY!" Seymour shouted from his room.

" Yes?" Said his faithful lackey who camped outside the room.

" Has the clothing I ordered from the Spiegel catalog arrived yet?"

" No…"

" ARGH!" Said Seymour. " WELL WHEN WILL IT GET HERE?"

" I… I'll go check…" Said the lackey slowly and walked off and wished that it were more like the old days, when he got to do things like cast Shell and Protect, instead of waiting for Seymour's various clothing orders to arrive.

Seymour sighed overdramatically and walked out of his room wearing a sexy bedrobe that unfortunately just made his nose look very big. Poor Seymour. All that potential and your clothes WRECK YOU! ARGH!

Being… Seymour, he then decided to go downstairs and have his minions make him some toast. As he went down, he didn't stop to look at himself in any mirrors because Seymour doesn't have any mirrors because he's SO self-concious about his looks that it just hurts him to even stare at himself.

" I WANT SOME TOAST!" Seymour yelled into the kitchen angrily as all the veins on his face bulged.

" Yes, sir, Seymour sir!" All his little minions cried and quickly stuffed a toaster with some toast.

" YOU! Did my Spiegel Order come yet?" Seymour demanded of the minion from earlier. Little did poor Seymour know that Spiegel had exploded long ago, along with his order.

" No sir! But there are some people at the door." Said the lackey.

" PEOPLE?" Seymour demanded in his swishy voice. " What kind of PEOPLE?"

His lackey shrugged, as a lackey is supposed to do in these sort of situations. Seymour sighed in disgust and cast all his minions aside and strode to the door himself.

" Who dares enter the lawn and knock on the front door of SEYMOUR?" Seymour demanded, swinging open the door to see Auron and Luzzu standing there like they BELONGED there.

" Hi!" Said Luzzu brightly.

Seymour paused for a few seconds, then he looked at Auron and gasped. " YOU! YOU GOOD GUY!" He said in disgust. Auron ignored Seymour and walked in, followed by Luzzu.

" You can't come into my house!" Seymour argued, secretly feeling self concious about how the clothes he was wearing made him look.

" I just did." Auron replied, secretly hoping his chunky arm wouldn't reveal itself.

" Ha-ha!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno, for he is a complete and utter idiot.

" I won't tolerate behavior like this! LACKEYS!" Seymour called.

" We're making toast!" His lackeys called.

"…oh. Well then… I HAVE NO CHOICE! ANIMA, I SUMMON THEE!" Seymour called, and then a dark portal surrounded all of them and lightning struck and everyone waited for that murderous fish to come out and instead… a murderous fish came out!

" Why, hello! Are you Seymour's little friends?" Anima asked in a motherly voice. " Isn't that nice? Have you come over to play?"

" MOOOOOM! I NEED YOU TO OBLITERATE THEM!" Seymour whined.

" Of COURSE you do." Anima chuckled like Kureno, and held out a big plate of cookies to Seymour. " Now there you go! You and your little friends can all share this plate of cookies as long as you promise to each eat an apple afterwards!"

" Mom! You're embarassing me!" Seymour hissed.

" Well, I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, but Jenova and I are going shopping." Anima said, and put on a big orange hat and grabbed a flowery bag with her creepy messed up… limb. Then the door bell rang.

" That must be her!" Anima said, and opened the door to reveal a everyone's favorite big gross mass of alien tissue with a vaguely human face! It was Jenova! She also had a strange purple hat balancing on her head.

" Well, we're off! You kids play nice!" Anima said, and then she and Jenova walked off together to do whatever it is their kind do.

After that there was an uncomfortable silence. Then Seymour pointed at Luzzu in a threatening way and uttered in a cryptic voice, " Death awaits you!"

" Death awaits us ALL." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. Seymour was about to argue but then he realized… Luzzu was right! You can't argue with that! ARGH! By now Seymour's veins were pumping ridiculously.

" Hey! Do you have a pool table in here?" Luzzu asked.

" WHY ARE YOU HERE!" Seymour yelled in a frusturated voice.

" We owe One Million gil to the Voodoo Mafia." Said Auron in a completely calm voice.

" And this means what to me?" Seymour said, quietly rearranging his bathrobe but hoping no one would notice.

" We need to rob a bank to get the money. And you're the only evil person we know that's still alive and didn't explode." Luzzu pointed out. Since Maester Maika and those other losers exploded a long time ago.

Well… ACTUALLY… they could have asked Shelinda… but since I hate Shelinda more than anything in the entire world… I don't think so.

" What makes you think I know how to rob a bank?" Seymour exclaimed.

"…you're evil?" Auron and Luzzu said slowly, and they both realized they hadn't really thought this one out too well.

" I mean… I DO know how, because you have to take a class before you become a bad guy, but… why do you have to come and bother me about it? I have more important things to do than… help YOU two rob a bank." Seymour said in haughty tones.

" Like what?" Auron challenged.

" PLENTY of things." Said Seymour.

" Seymour, sir, do you want your toast with jam or butter?" Seymour's lackey called from the other room.

There was another awkward silence, and just as Luzzu and Auron were about to call Seymour on the fact that, um, NO, he doesn't have plenty of more important things to do… the doorbell rang! HURRAH!

Since Luzzu was closest, he turned around and opened it.

And who was it but… Wakka and Kimahri! Yay! Wakka was dressed exactly like Lucky from the cereal commercials. Kimahri had a giant shamrock painted on his face.

" Happy St. Patricks Day!" Wakka said, looking and sounding strangely, very Irish.

Luzzu, Auron and Seymour just stared blankly at them. Then Kihmari punched Seymour in the face.

" WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" Seymour yelled, after stumbling back up to his feet.

" You not wearing green." Said Kimahri. Luzzu was wearing green socks and Auron has a green… ring.

" IT'S NOT ST. PATRICK'S DAY!" Seymour yelled.

" It's not?" Wakka asked.

" No." Said everyone.

" Oh…" Said Wakka. Then there was an uncomfortable silence.

" Have you seen Tidus lately? He looks just like Chappu!" Wakka said enthustiastically.

No he doesn't, everyone though to themselves quietly and continued to stare at Wakka.

"…Okay, then, I guess we'll be going!" Wakka laughed nervously, then he and Kimahri edged slowly away, and closed the door very quietly.

"…anyway…" Said Auron, turning back to Seymour who was rubbing his face resentfully.

" Do you honestly expect me to just DO something like rob a bank for you after all the pain you've caused me?" Seymour demanded.

" Yep." Said Auron and Luzzu.

" Well…" Seymour said slowly. " I would… but only on one condition."

" Really? WHAT COULD IT BE!" Luzzu said excitably, hoping it would be to play a game of pool.

"… I want…" Seymour said, looking dramatically off to the distance, " You to find me the greatest clothing designer in the world."

Auron and Luzzu blinked at Seymour quizically. Why would he want someone like that? My word! How mysterious!

" If you do that for me… I will help you rob this bank." Said Seymour.

" But we don't know anything about designers!" Luzzu exclaimed.

" I do." Said Auron.

" Really?" Seymour asked cautiously.

" Yes." Said Auron. But does he REALLY know? Or is he bluffing? Does it matter? Since he's DEAD he can do anything he wants and get away with the consequences! Does ANYONE really know what he's thinking? Even I, the AUTHOR? AM I IN CONTROL OF THIS STORY AT ALL!

ARGH!

…okay, deep breaths, CONTINUING.

" In that case… you're on." Seymour said, holding out one hand.

" Good." Said Auron and shook Seymour's hand with his NON-chunky arm.

" Oh-kay!" Said Luzzu and slapped Seymour in the head because he had thought the hand meant a high-five… but it wasn't and so he accidently hit Seymour instead.

" IMBECILE!" Seymour shouted.

" Idiot…" Auron said shaking his head.

" We're gonna be the GREATEST friends! And alcohol-free!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

And so… the great bank robbery was in the making!

OMAKE!

Oh, my lord! That took a long time! But, gentle reader, I have school and you must be tolerant of me because I am not very tolerant of school. Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Mardi Gras! Happy… Day! Yes, Happy Day. Time for questions!

Suuki: How can Ifrit cook anything unburnt?

Hayley: Well… I assume he has the ability to CONTROL whether he burns things or not… otherwise he would burn himself! He'd be the Burning Ifrit! Like the Flaming Amarant! ONLY NOT!

Usagi0: (Like JOHNNY ZERO!) Bigfoot, what is YOUR opinion on Shoopuf Dude?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot never SEE Shoopuff. BIG MYSTERY.

Usagi0: Hayley, will you please kill/torture Wakka for me?

Hayley: No… because Wakka is the hispanic ham-ham from Hamtaro, and for that reason I spare his life.

Usagi0: Yuna, what the hell is wrong with you?

Yuna: Um… uh… (mumble in demure tones) I'm so demure!

Lazy Kitsune: (WOW, YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS!)

where was Ifrit born?

Hayley: In the hills of Scotland! Just kidding. Uh… in a computer?

are those Yuna's natural eye colors or is she wearing contacts?

She stole them from me! I'm writing a novel and I chose green and blue colors first! (sobs) NEVER…ANY…SACRED…!

what are Gumba and Wumba's IQ levels?

Respectively? Gumba Chicken BooWumba Mentally retarded Chicken Boo

what material is Lulu's dress made out of?

Lord, I don't know, fool child!

where did Yuna get her clothes, at the swapmeet? snickers

(snicker, snicker) …I don't get it…

what shampoo do the Al Bhed use?

Why… Head and Shoulders, but however you pronounce it in their fool language!

what did the Ronso eat to turn blue?

I did some research and it was actually that damn rabbit and his magic nose's fault! Argh! FIRST THE CAT, THEN THE DUCK, THEN THE PUPPY, NOW THE RONSO!

are chocobos distantly related to chickens?

Nope. Ostriches.

what did the Guado do to make their hair like that?

Lots and lots of… mousse.

is the Bevelle fayth a guy or a girl or both? O.o

I think he's a guy, but he's also probably Izzy so… who knows?

is Tidus aware that his shorts are different lengths?

He probably cut them that way and thought, " I'm so cool! I'm so unique! DA-HUCK!"

what is Tidus's nationality? Californian? Japanese? Hawaiian? Samoan?

All of those combined together and then… given an english name that the Japanese pronounce like this, ' TEE-dus.' And then because that's the first way you hear it pronounced, you pronounce it that way too, and everyone at conventions make fun of you and you still call him Teedus and then… (looks off into the distance)

what is up with Bartello's obsession with Auron!

Whose Bartello? Awk! I'm trying to remember but… I can only remember Auron's obsession with Braska!

did Yuna inherit Yunalesca's insanity along with her name?

No… she inherited her… nothing. I don't know. I hate Yuna.

did Braska, Auron, and Jecht ever have a drinking contest? if they did, who won?

Yes. And Jecht won! And Braska and Auron didn't even drink! So actually, it was just a case of Jecht drinking. OH WELL!

Anyway… keep those questions coming people! And I'll keep answers coming! And chapters! Yes! Let's work together, come on, come on, let's work together! And together we will stand every boy girl woman and MAAAAN!

Ja ne!