Chapter 6

Brother Has Problems

Oh boy, does he EVER. Brother himself is like one big WALKING problem. I don't think I even really HAVE to tell you why Brother would have problems in his life, but just for the sake of jogging your memory, I think I will anyway.

First of all, and most obvious of all, his name is BROTHER. Now, last time I checked, the only person I know whose name is Brother is Brother from the Berenstein Bears, and he's not even a human. He's a bear. With a never-changing wardrobe. Imagine having to share your name with someone like that.

Speaking of WARDROBE, what the hell is Brother wearing? It's like… crazy creepy goggles! I thought he was a bad guy the first time I saw him. I was like, ' Whoah, am I gonna have to fight this guy?' But no, I didn't. Does Brother think he looks GOOD wearing those goggles? Or is it because he has a pink eye infection? Does he even HAVE eyes, or is he like a machine?

Is Brother a cyborg? The world may never know.

Another problem is, he's Al Bhed. Quite possibly the stupidest named group of people ever. And is BROTHER an Al Bhed name or what? Why would you name a child Brother? Did they know he was going to have a sister? Or were they just foolish like Vicious and Spike's parents? Or maybe that's just his Al Bhed name translated into english, which is unfortunately the word 'brother.'

Once again, the world may never know.

Okay, he has RIKKU for a sister. And CID for a father. No wonder he's so… there! And he can only speak Al Bhed, and his sister and father can speak perfect english. Not only that, Cid has a southern accent! How can he have a southern accent when he's Al Bhed? And what about Brother and Rikku's mother? I assume she just exploded. Oh well.

Why does Brother wear suspenders? Is that what's IN in Al Bhed youth nowadays? And what about that crazy tattoo? At first it just seems to be a flame and a random black thing… what is that black thing? Is it a woman? A flower? A pretzel?

Say it with me… the world may never know.

HOOONK!

" Now," Said Seymour, as he, Luzzu and Auron walked around randomly like a couple of common hooligans, " Before we can do any bank robbing, we have to-"

" Play a game of pool?" Luzzu asked hopefully.

" No." Said Seymour icily.

" Oh." Said Luzzu in a sad voice.

" We need a machine that will PLOW into the bank and chase all the people out while we take all the booty." Seymour said. And while this may not be right, I think we'll just go with what Seymour says on this one.

" Why don't we just go in with a couple of guns and hold the place up while wearing masks?" Auron asked. The plowing might involve use of… his chunky arm.

" Because. That's just the way things are." Seymour said authoratively. Wearing a mask might make his nose look… big.

" You know, we should build a giant robot!" Luzzu said enthusiastically, taking a big swig of the gatorade in Auron's wine jug. Then he coughed. " That stuff is terrible."

" I know." Said Auron. " But it's healthy."

" A giant robot…" Seymour said, and immediately his crazy villian mind embraced the idea. " Yes! A giant robot! One that will be feared and obeyed by ALL!" And it doesn't MATTER what clothes I wear if I'm in a giant robot! Seymour added mentally.

" Then it's settled. Let's find someone to build us a giant robot!" Luzzu said, and so they did just that.

First they went to Musashi and Kojiro. But they were busy. So then they went to the Power Rangers. But they were Lost in Space. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HA!

" We could always build our own." Auron suggested.

" NOT!" Said Seymour. " None of us know how."

" You're a villian. You should be able to do stuff like that." Auron stated.

" Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME." Said Seymour angrily, not wanting to admit he was a pretty poor excuse for a villian.

" If only we could find a mechanic friend…!" Luzzu said, closing his eyes and taking Auron and Seymour's hands, who removed them angrily, and glared at him.

At that moment, the power of Luzzu's prayer brought forth… CID! Just kidding. Cid's dead. But you KNEW that.

(Shameless Self Advertising Note: See Random Adventures with Final Fantasy VII Cast and Shoopuf Dude for details!)

Instead, the power of Luzzu's prayer brought forth… BROTHER! YAAAAY! BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT! You WERE? Shucks howdy!

" Why… that's the most terrible haircut I've ever seen!" Seymour cried in an aghast manner, shielding his eyes from Brother's crazy old haircut.

" BROTHER!" Said Luzzu. How does he know Brother? Through the magic plothole saving world of Buddy Barn AOL Instant Messenger!

" LOOZOO!" Said Brother, and he and Luzzu hugged.

" Do you want to help us make a giant robot, Brother? So we can rob a bank and pay off the voodoo mafia?" Luzzu asked.

" LOOZOO!" Brother repeated, and then stood there.

" …Brother?" Auron asked, tapping him on the shoulder.

" Loozoo!" Brother stated enthusiastically.

" Oh yeah! Brother doesn't know english. I think he still hasn't started his bilingual studies yet." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" Well then how are we going to ask him to make a giant robot for us!" Seymour scoffed, glaring at Brother.

" Loozoo!" Brother said angrily, putting his hands on his hips like a fool. He had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't going to tolerate speaking patterns like that!

" Did anyone ask for a BUDDY BARN Babel Fish?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, poofling out of nowhere with a rack of Buddy Barn Babel Fish.

" Loozoo!" Said Brother, raising his hand. That Buddy Barn Guy stuck that crazy old magical plot-saving fish into Brother's ear, and suddenly… Brother could talk PEOPLE talk!

" Luzzu!" Said Brother.

" WE GET IT." Said Seymour. " Can you build us a giant robot?"

" ROBOT? BUILD? Okay, Luzzu." Said Brother.

" I'm Seymour." Said Seymour.

" Okay." Said Brother. " Why do you want me to build you a robot, Luzzu?"

" To rob a bank." Said Auron.

" WHAT!" That Buddy Barn Guy gasped.

" Are you still here?" Auron asked as they all turned around to see That Buddy Barn Guy just standing there, eavesdropping on their conversation. " And if we owe you money, why are you even appearing to help us?"

" Despite my personal issues, I, That Buddy Barn Guy still have my duties. Now, good day to you, sir. GOOD DAY." Said That Buddy Barn Guy and whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Ahem…" Said Seymour. " Well… can we please get on with the present subject?"

" I'll help you build a robot. It's only my greatest hobby of all time. Luzzu." Brother said, whipping out his lego collections and build-a-bot collections and grabbing a giant magnifying ray so that they were GIANT! " Let's get to work, Luzzu!"

" We're not making a robot out of legos and whatnot, you idiot! We need a real robot, that works!" Seymour frothed, grabbing Brother's lego collection and chucking it away randomly.

" And lasers." Said Auron, randomly thinking up that idea.

" Like the Power Rangers!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" OH…Power Rangers, Luzzu! I get it now. Well, I'll just whip out my destructive giant robot lego DOOM set." Said Brother, and whipped it out. PSHAW!

" WE CAN'T MAKE A GIANT EVIL ROBOT OUT OF LEGOS!" Seymour yelled.

" Yes we can." Everyone said.

" NO!" Seymour yelled. As a villian, he found the idea of making a robot out of LEGOS, insulting to a long line of villians who made robots out of things BESIDES Legos.

" We're making it out of Legos, and that's final." Auron stated, and then not even Seymour could argue, because when Auron says something is final… it is.

And so… they began to do so! Well, Brother did. Seymour just made sure all the nessacery EVIL things were being included. Like… evil red eyes, and an evil emblem and evil things like that. Auron… was being the watchman, because they were doing this in the middle of the street, and anybody could walk up and just GRAB something, doncha know! Luzzu was singing! YAY!

" Dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you-"

"LUZZU! MOVE ON WITH THE DAMN SONG!" Seymour yelled.

" Oh yeah!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno, having forgot to sing the rest of the song. " I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine, let's go home and have a lime, that's my pet slug named slime, he know's how to climb, here's a paper for you to sign, so I don't owe you a fine, hey, it's dinnertime, let's have a-"

" THAT ISN'T HOW YOU SING THE SONG! ARGH!" Seymour yelled, throwing a wrench at Luzzu, which knocked him out for a few hours. When he woke up, he didn't remember being knocked out. He just remembered… he wanted to play pool!

" It's alive! It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Luzzu." Brother cackled insanely as random lightning bolts came out of nowhere and brought the lego robot to life.

What did he look like? GASP! Use your imagination! He looked like… a Gundam! Only better! PSHAW! That's right, fool! And he had… a beret! Oh yeah!

" HELLO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY… POOL?" The robot said slowly.

" WHAT!" Seymour yelled, as the robot took out a giant pool stick.

" I let Luzzu program it's brain… maybe that wasn't such a good idea, Luzzu." Brother said, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

" Hello, Mega-Pool-Don!" Luzzu told Mega-Pool-Don.

" PLAY…POOL?" Mega-Pool-Don asked.

" No. We're going to rob a bank." Luzzu said sadly.

" OH. VERY WELL." Mega-Pool-Don said just as sadly.

" THIS IS SO STUPID! WHY THE HELL CAN YOU NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT POOL FOR ONE…SECOND…?" Seymour took a couple of deep breaths, as his face turned purple, and his veins stood out! Oh wait! They already DO! AHAHAHAHAHA! DA-HUCK!

" I need a drink." Said Auron.

" DO NOT DRINK, SIR AURON." Mega-Pool-Don said in his crazy robot voice.

"…Luzzu, did you just give this robot your brain?" Auron asked Luzzu.

" Yep!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " Now it's like DOUBLE the Luzzu."

" YES." Said Mega-Pool-Don and chuckled like robotic Kureno.

" Well… whatever. Let's just rob the stupid bank and get it over with." Seymour said, having recovered his natrual skin color.

" But it's Sunday! The bank is closed, Luzzu!" Brother exclaimed.

DOH! You guys are so stupid! You should have checked the calender! DUUUUUUH.

" What do we do until then?" Auron asked no one in particular.

" I KNOW!" Said Luzzu and Mega-Pool-Don.

" Don't even say it." Auron warned.

" Let's go see a movie! Luzzu!" Brother suggested.

" No." Said Auron. " I think we should decide which bank we're going to rob."

" How about… the Buddy Barn Bank?" Seymour said, rubbing his hands together. " Now, THAT would be villianous irony!"

Everyone agreed with Seymour, because who can resist villianous irony?

" Then… this Tuesday… we strike." Seymour said cackling evily.

" What do we do until Tuesday, Luzzu?" Brother asked again, because GEEZ! He wasn't gonna just sit around and WAIT for Tuesday to come!

" We will buy the appropriate clothing needed for robbing a bank." Seymour replied. Uh oh. God knows he won't be able to find anything.

" Like a hockey mask?" Luzzu asked.

" THEY SHOULD MAKE A POOL MASK." Mega-Pool-Don said.

" They SO should." Luzzu said.

" ARGH! IF YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT POOL ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" Seymour screamed.

"…okay, GEEZ…" Luzzu said slowly, giving Seymour a baleful eye. " Party pooper."

" POOL POOPER."

" SHUT UP!"

And with that, our… heroes? Villians? What are they? ANYWAY, with that they headed off to Wal-Mart, home of hockey masks and whatnot.

" I'm not sure I want a HOCKEY mask. I would feel disloyal to my Pool obsession." Luzzu observed.

" ME TOO." Said Mega-Pool-Don.

" You don't need a mask. You're a giant robot." Auron said.

" OH YEAH." Mega-Pool-Don chuckled like Robotic Kureno.

" I think I'll just get this SCREAM mask." Luzzu said, picking up some random Scream mask that was on the rack. Nobody said anything because nobody cared.

" I'm going to get a hocky mask. Luzzu." Said Brother and DID so.

Seymour couldn't decide what mask he wanted, because we all know how hard it is for him to decide stuff like that. But in the end he got a fancy masquerade mask that looked like a BIRD! Yay!

Auron… decided he didn't need a mask, since he's got sunglasses, and such a high collar shirt. And so, with that, they walked up to the check out! But this wasn't a cool Wal-mart like the Noble Goody Two Shoes grocery store. You had to pay.

" Scream Mask… two dollars." Said the random counter guy we will call Counter Jim.

" Hockey Mask… two dollars." Said Counter Jim.

" Fancy Bird Mask… FIVE dollars." Counter Jim said in an impressed voice.

" Whoppers… One dollar and twenty five cence."

" WHOPPERS!" Everyone exclaimed.

" I'm hungry!" Luzzu whined.

" Getting ready to rob a bank… PRICELESS." Said Counter Jim. Everyone stared at him, and then Auron paid him. Then Counter Jim exploded. Then they walked out of Wal-mart and that exploded too.

As they stepped out into the parking lot, who should randomly walk up to them but… WAKKA AND KIMAHRI! YAAAAY!

Wakka was STILL dressed like a pilgrim! SLACKER! But now Kimahri was dressed like an Indian!

" Happy Thanksgiving!" Said Wakka.

" It's NOT Thanksgiving." Said everyone in a disgusted voice.

" It's NOT?" Wakka pondered aloud.

" NO!" The whole world screamed.

There was an awkward pause. Kimahri ate one of his feathers.

" Well, regardless, I'm thankful that Tidus looks like Chappu!" Wakka declared, and with that the two of them went scurrying away. Our four …characters shook their heads. WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT CRAZY WAKKA!

" Now we're set! Just have to wait for Tuesday!" Luzzu cheered.

" We better keep a low profile. The Voodoo Mafia is probably looking out for us." Auron said.

" Oh yeah. I forgot about that. But we should be okay! After all… we have the power of love and friendship!" Luzzu cheered.

" Luzzu." Said Brother.

" …I'm starting to think this wasn't worth it." Seymour muttered.

Auron took a long swig of gatorade.

OMAKE!

Ha-ha. It makes me laugh that it takes me about five minutes to write these things but YOU have to wait like five months.

(points) Hahahahaha.

But seriously, folks… POCKETTO NO COIN? SORE TO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND? WE ARE, WE ARE, ON THE CRUUUUUUUUISE… WE ARE! I need more friends!

shoopufalias on livejournal.

Uh-huh, that's right peeps. Add me and I'll add you, that's how it's gonna work. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! (dances like Llama)

Question Time!

Duct Tape Kitten: What's up with your obsession with flunkies?

Hayley: I dunno. Maybe because I myself could never be a flunky, so I like to make people into flunkies and then pretend they were my flunkies.

And here's some questions from Usagi-chan

(1)Seriously, Yuna, tell me what is wrong with you. You need HELP. You're too NICE. You need to give me your EYEBALLS.

Hayley: You can always Maharet to get them for you! DA-HUCK! As for what's wrong with Yuna… well, there's something wrong with her. That much is clear.

(2)Am I scaring you?

Hayley: No, you are not. If you were MomijiXHaru yaoi, you would be scaring me.

(3)Are you SURE Wakka is a ham-ham? Because he looks like uhm... More of an uh... Idiot... To me... I like periods I think...

Hayley: Actually, Wakka's english voice actor voices a Ham-Ham! Isn't that crazy? He looks like a puerto-rican Jimmy Neutron!

(4)Do you enjoy my ramebelings?

Hayley: Do you enjoy MINE?

(5)Who is rhis 'brother'? I've um... Only just passed the Highroad in FFX so I'm sure it's um... SOmthing my simple mind can't even COMPREHEND.

Hayley: WHAT! Well, then, a lot more will be spoiled to you than who BROTHER is if you read this fic.

(6)Hayley, where do your base belong to? Mine uhm, lesse. A couple to you, a couple to Zena, a couple to Furuba, a couple to uh... (blank look, mumbeling)Some other stuff... Justin Cook... SOme more stuff...

Hayley: All my base belong to Gackt. And then some.

(7)Is Irfit related to Chewbacca or what?

Hayley: That would be so cool… but no. I think Bigfoot is.

(8)Why is Seymore so... Stran

Hayley: I don't know why that boy is so Stran. I really don't. But no one's Stranner than Seymour the Stran.

Ja!