Author's note: Tadaaa! The very first Chocolat parody on here :) I guess I've seen the movie too often - after I've seen a movie many times, I always start making fun it. This is my first attempt to make a whole parody out of that and I really hope you like it. Hands down to my good friend Olivia without whose help this wouldn't be half as funny. I luv ya!

Anyways, I thought we'd have a little sort of contest. See there are lots of references from other movies in here, so if you can tell me how many, I'll give you a cookie. And if you tell me exactly what the jokes are and from what movies they come, I'll give you a Johnny Depp clone. I also put a reference from a book in here, but I don't think anyone's gonna guess it... oh well. In the next update, I'll tell you what the references were! :)

Disclaimer: Don't own nothing, sadly.... Though I want sexy Roux so bad!!! Oh well. Can't have everything.

So, off we go.

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--we see the village in a spiffy wide shot--

--camera closes up on the church-entrance, where the mayor stands and greets the people--

Mayor: (to woman) Mornin, luv, how you doin? (winks at her and slaps her butt)

Woman: (avoids looking at him and gets inside quickly, dragging her kids along)

Female voiceover: Once upon a time, there was this spiffy little village in the middle of nowhere – no, wait, in France, wasn't it? Oh well who cares anyway – whose people believed in... well, actually nothing. But they really liked instant soup.

--inside the church: People look bored and lackadaisically skim through their songbooks--

--a sort of trap door opens in the floor and a huge headlight is switched on with a clicking sound, illuminating the hole in the floor--

--squeaking sounds of some not well oiled device similar to a jack--

Electrician down below: (murmuring) Goddamnit, we really need to get that squeak out of there…

--a platform with an entire gospel choir on it rises from out of the hole--

Choir: Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista

Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista [haha... recognize the song? ;)] (they clap their hands in typical gospel-choir-style)

--a single woman steps out of the choir--

Woman: (choir goes on singing the sista thing) so here you are in this old church again

you ain't got nothin' better to do

we say: hello, hey jerks

you wanna be a bit smarter?

oh-oh

Choir: giche giche yaya da da

giche giche yaya here

people are such hopeless morons

Woman: here in spiffy Lansqueneeeeeeeeet

Choir: voulez-vous manger chocolat, ce soir

voulez-vous manger chocolat

Woman: (choir sings the sista-thing again) you're idiots, the women as well as the men

what a pity, you don't have friends

and noone cares about you

Choir: giche giche yaya da da

giche giche yaya here

people are such hopeless morons

woman: here in spiffy Lansqueneeeeet oh

Choir: voulez-vous manger chocolat, ce soir

voulez-vous manger chocolat

Voiceover: If you lived in this village, you were well aware that you should stay the hell away from the mayor. Especially if you were a girl - although sometimes, he went for the guys as well.

--Reynaud winks at guy behind him--

--Père Henri walks up the stairs to his spiffy sermon-place--

Henri: (clears his throat) that was.... impressive. (clears throat again) Anyway. Umm... the season of lent is upon us.

Woman #1: (bored) that so.

Henri: (ignoring her) This is of course a time of abstence. Hopefully also a time of...

Guy #1: Instant soup rocks!

Henri: (confused) huh? Umm, I was gonna say 'reflection'. But umm... Now on with the sermon. Above all let this be for us a time...

Woman #2: of throwing tomatoes at priests! Since we can't eat them.

--people start rummaging in their bags--

Henri: (scared) (under his breath) uh-oh... (looks around nervously but decides to continue) ummm... a time of sincere penitence.

--someone throws a tomato, it hits him on the chest--

Henri: Ouch! (ducks, but too late - another one hits him on his forehead) Ouch! What I mean to say is, (ducks again as another one comes flying) this is a time to stand up and be counted and... (more tomatoes are thrown)... it's not a time to stand low because... (gets hit again) (stutters a little, is obviously on the verge of tears but manages to hold them back)

Guy #2: Oh look! He's gonna cry! What a sissy! (laughs evilly)

Random people: Aww, now isn't that cute! (throw more tomatoes)

Henri: ...and...(sobs)... it's a time for christ... he knows (sobs) what you (sobs) reflect on...

--a very foul tomato ends up right in his face--

Henri: (wipes his face, then bursts out in tears) THAT'S IT! I - CAN'T - TAKE IT!! (runs off, flying tomatoes follow him)

People: (chanting) Crybaby! Crybaby! (everyone cheers)

Voiceover: so, through good times and bad, the villagers held fast to their traditions. They ate instant soup 6 times a day - for first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

--wide-shot on Vianne and Anouk walking along the street, carrying their suitcases and wearing pink coats with teddy-bear-design and teddy-ears on top of the hoods--

Voiceover: Then, one winter day, a sly breeze, meaning it had a high IQ, if that's possible - who the hell wrote this script?? - blew in from the North. Well actually, it wasn't really a breeze but more of a hurrican with wind force 8 or so.

--close-up on Vianne and Anouk coming up the path. The wind rips the left plush ear off Anouk's hood--

Anouk: (turns on her heel, sees the ear flying away and whirling in the wind) Oh crap! No wonder these coats were so cheap! Bloody wind! (pauses) Wait.... Take the other one, t- (is hit on the forehead and knocked unconscious by a bough the wind had torn off a tree)

Vianne: Dammit! (tries to lift Anouk up but has some trouble with her weight, moans) She really shouldn't eat so much chocolate! The girl is getting fat! (finally succeeds and goes on, carrying Anouk)

--Vianne reaches Armande's door. She knocks and is let inside--

--Armande's living room: she's asleep in her armchair, snoring. Vianne walks in and puts Anouk, who is slowly beginning to wake up, on the floor--

Vianne: (looks at Armande, then back in the direction of the door. confused) Now this is weird. Who opened the door?? A ghost? (looks around but then shrugs) Oh well. It could be worse.

--Armande continues to snore. Vianne clears her throat. She waits a little. Meanwhile, Anouk wakes up completely and stands up. Vianne gives her a helpless look. She slowly walks over to Armande, stoops over her and pokes her. Armande snores.Vianne recoils a little, then turns back to Armande with a quick movement--

Vianne: BOO!!!

--Armande snores. Vianne regards her for a while, then slaps her. Armande wakes up--

Armande: (looks around confused, puts on her glasses and looks at Vianne and Anouk) Who the hell are you?

Vianne: Good day to you, too. I'm Vianne Rocher, and this is my daughter Anouk. We wanna rent the patisserie and the apartment above. And deepest apologies for the rude awakening.

Armande: Where'd you get those spiffy coats?

Vianne: Actually, they were 10% off at some shop in Asadoweina. [made that name up, just so you know]

Anouk: But they're crap. Ronald thinks so too!

Armande: ???

Vianne: Ronald is a weasel. But he's mentally ill.

Armande: How sick is he?

Vianne: He's plenty sick.

Anouk: But it seems to me that - i mean except for being a little mentally ill - he's pretty normal...

Armande: ...

--cut to Vianne turning on the faucet. Dirty water comes out.--

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

--cut to Armande standing by the door and counting her money--

Armande: I expect you to keep it in good condition.

--cut to Vianne--

Vianne: (dubious look) yeah right!

--cut to the bedroom of the apartment. Anouk is in her alcove. Vianne unpacks.--

Voiceover: They had two bags of grass, 57 pellets of mescaline, 5 sheets of high powdered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. Also a quart of tequila, quart of rum, case of beer, pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

Anouk: But what a nice town this is. Don't you think so maman?

Vianne: (peeved) If you say so... (rolls eyes)

Anouk: Maman, Ronald wants to know how long we can stay.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Tell Ronald to worry about his own fortune and to go to hell!

Anouk: (whispers to "Ronald", then turns to Vianne again) You know nothing of hell!

Vianne: (rolls eyes) What story tonight, huh?

Anouk: Ron wants to hear about-

Vianne: (interrupting) I don't give a tiny rat's ass about what Ronald wants! He's too stupid to understand it anyway.

Anouk: (grumbles) Alright, I want to hear about Grandmère and Grandpère.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Ummmmm... no. Not tonight. (puts a pink tupperware box which is apparently her mother's urn on the bedside table) I'll tell you the story where the woman has the garden and then the guy has the shovel...

Anouk: Not one of my favorites.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Oooh, I'm in trouble. I'll tell it anyways.

--next day: In the shop. Vianne is wiping off the counter and Anouk is playing Monopoly with Ron--

Anouk: Come on Ronald!! It's your turn! Why don't you do anything??

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

Reynaud enters

Vianne: I don't believe I know you.

Reynaud: I know that. That doesn't matter. I know you Mr Rainey. That's what matters. You stole my- Whoooops, wrong movie...

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

Reynaud: I'm the Comte de Reynaud and I'd like to welcome you to the community and invite you to worship on Sundays, Madame. And while I'm at it... my wife's in Italy... (he gives her a more or less sexy wink)

Vianne: We don't go to church. And those bells are just a pain in the ass - or ears, for that matter. And by the way... it's 'Mademoiselle'. I've never been married. (murmuring) Do I already look that old...?

Reynaud: Is that so! (winks) (under his breath) what a useful detail... thanks for that... (grins)

Vianne: Anyways, I do hope you'll step by when I open for business next week.

Reynaud: You bet your fur I will! (thinking) and I hope you'll step by my place sometime, too... (to Vianne) Yes, opening a pâtisserie during lent - I could imagine better timing...

Vianne: Oh, it's not gonna be a pâtisserie.

Reynaud: Then what do you intend to-

Vianne: (interrupting) It's a surprise.

Reynaud: (crybaby look)

Vianne: It's been nice to meet you. See ya later alligator!

Reynaud: For a while crocodile! (leaves)

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Please review!!! I'm open to suggestions! (is it obvious that i'm Secret Window-obsessed?)

btw, "voulez-vous manger chocolat" means "do you want to eat chocolate". Actually, it should be "voulez-vous manger du chocolat", but that wouldn't have fit :)