Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: I felt so sorry for both, Kevin and Will, after their fight. So I'm going to have a look into both of their heads and hearts, starting with Will in this chapter.
Happy New Year everyone!
The Boat
Not Who You Wanted
(After the scene with Kevin and Will in Kevin's room.)
Will left Kevin's room even more depressed and frustrated than he'd entered it. He didn't know what to do with his eldest son; he didn't know what to do or what to say to him to make him leave his shell. He went down to the kitchen where he headed to the coatrack to get his jacket. When Helen entered he'd already put it on.
"How did it go?" she asked.
Will sighed. "Do you really want to know?"
"Of course," she confirmed, already fearing that.
Leaning against the wall and closing his eyes, he felt all the sadness creeping up in him and he felt how much his heart hurt. He said, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
Helen looked at him, saw his pain and stepped closer to him to take his hand. "Why should you be doing anything wrong?"
Will knew that he hadn't felt so lost in a while and wanted to hide somewhere, just to make all the trouble and misunderstanding go away. "Because our son just told me that he thinks he's not who I wanted." His voice had started trembling and he was close to tears. "How can he think that? What have I done that makes him think that?"
"He's frustrated; he doesn't love himself - so he thinks nobody loves him." Helen said slowly, putting a comforting hand on her husband's shoulder that didn't seem to make much of a difference, because Will seemed even more desperate.
"But I do. I love him so much, he's my kid, Helen!" Will said, still unable to understand Kevin's behavior. "What can I do to prove that to him?"
Helen wanted nothing more than to help Will and Kevin find a way back to each other, but she hadn't an answer for him either. "I don't know, Will. Maybe he needs some more time, that's all I can tell you. I think deep inside him he knows that you love him, he just needs time to find that part of himself again." She tried to explain.
"Why did he bury that part so deeply? I don't wanna continue waiting. We've waited for so long now and what have we gotten? A burnt album!" For people who didn't know him, Will would again have seemed calm, but Helen knew better and nodded.
"Yeah, a burnt album. A vain attempt to burn the memories that still haunt him and the memories he doesn't want you to have, because he believes they make you see the difference to who he is now."
Will took both of her wrists in his hands and looked at her with an intense gaze, understanding what she was saying but not willing to accept it. "These memories are a part of him, they'll always be. How can he think it makes a difference to me if he's playing baseball in Arizona or if he's in a wheelchair? I love him no matter what and I can't get through to him anymore."
"I know," Helen said slowly and freed her from his grip when she started to gesticulate. "I know. Your relationship was based on all these things you did together, most of them involving sports. He thinks this part of his life is over and with that everything that connected you."
"But I tried to find something else for us to share. He's not interested in anything else than models. Models! I can't …" he trailed off, realizing he needed all his energy to keep his countenance. He had to go to work; he couldn't spend the rest of the evening mulling over his son.
Helen unconsciously caressed his arm, slowly stroking up and down. "You and Luke never had something that connected you like your love for sports did with Kevin, and yet you and Luke are doing okay."
"This isn't about me and Luke, this is about Kevin," Will said. "I want him to have a life again, a life we can participate in. He's shutting us out, he's not interested in anything real, God, he isn't even leaving this house except when we force him to! I know that Kevin will never be the same again, but does he have to be like that? I'm really running out of ideas what we can do. What I can do."
"Because there is nothing you can do," Helen said quietly and pulled him into a hug.
Will returned the hug and it didn't take much longer for him to loose his poise. He hid his face in Helen's pullover and needed a few moments to calm down again. "I'm sorry, Helen," he apologized, but she only smiled and kissed him.
"I love you. You and Kevin will figure it out, I promise."
Will tried to smiled and sighed, "I really have to go back to work."
Helen nodded. "You go and catch the bad guy and I will go and talk to Kevin."
Her husband hugged her again and headed out, going to talk to Mrs. Milner. Helen watched him leave and went to the stairs and up to the first floor.
TBC