So much left unsaid

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: Thanks so much for the encouraging review for chapter 13, they really made me feel good about this. So I'm going to continue. For now. Here's what I think happened after the therapy session in St. Joan. Let me know if you like it.

St. Joan

Talk To Each Other

(Takes place after the last scene of St. Joan and refers to the events of chapter 12 "Overheard".)

Nobody looked at each other and nobody said anything. All that was to be heard was Kevin's silent sobbing, not even the therapist broke the silence. When Will looked around at his family he could see the shock on the faces, the pain and the sorrow and the sympathy for Kevin. He knew they had to talk about this, that they couldn't stop here and leave Kevin with the impression that what he'd said agreed with all of them, but he didn't think that here was the right place to talk. He longed for the well known cozyness of their living room or kitchen. When trying to get Helen to look at him to reassure he was doing the right thing, he decided that this was one of the times he had to be the leader of this famliy and stood up. "We're going to continue this at home," he said. To the therapist he nodded, "Thanks for your help, but I think we'd all feel better at home."

When nobody talked back he took it as a silent agreement and went to Kevin to push him out. He knew he hated it, but he also knew that this was a special situation. Leaving the room and waiting for the lift in the hallway he made sure that everybody followed. They didn't talk in the car and when they'd reached the house, Luke and Joan were already on their way to their rooms before Kevin had waited for the lift to bring him the few stairs up to the front door. With his calm voice but loud enough to imply that he wouldn't accept any contradictions he called them back, "Joan, Luke! In the living room! We're not done yet!"

He went to the fire place and started to light a fire while waiting for the rest of the family to come and take their usual places in the living room, Helen on the couch, leaving space for him, Kevin, who'd at least stopped crying, with his back to the fireplace and Joan and Luke next to him, on the floor. It looked as if they were going to watch a movie, but he was afraid that this was going to be a little harder.

Sitting down next to Helen he said, "We're going to talk about this now, once and for all. Nobody will go to bed before we're done here. So, who's going to start?"

He looked from Helen to the kids, but they all stared at the ground, nobody willing to say something. "Okay, so I will. I think this is pretty hard for all of us, so I'm not going to play it down or pretend I know all the answers or know what any of you is thinking, but what I know is that I don't think you're right, Kevin. I don't blame you for what happened and I don't think anybody else does. Yeah, you were partying and you went with Andy in his car even though you knew he was drunk. That was a stupid thing to do but I think you've more than paid for it. Things have changed for all of us since then, but there is no stain on the carpet we didn't talk about. If there is, it's definitely not the accident. The accident wasn't anybody's fault."

"Your father is right," Helen agreed. "There's really no need for you to feel guilty. It doesn't help anybody, it doesn't change things and it's not what I think."

"And not what I think either," Joan added, looking up at her brother next to her. "I know it still bothers you, but either not so much has changed for me or I've gotten used to the changes. I don't see my life being so different from before. Maybe it would have been even more different if you had stopped living with us and had gone to Arizona."

"Life changes constantly," Luke said, "that's one of it's basic laws. If you don't go forward, you go backwards. And even though you might again not listen to me, I have to say that I don't agree with what all the others said. Yes, you shouldn't have gotten into that car, but in the first instance Andy shouldn't have been driving. You're right, God didn't do it, the universe didn't conspire and the planets didn't align against you, it was just Andy Baker driving drunk."

Kevin was rubbing his eyebrow, hearing what everyone was saying and taking it in. "But the accident changed everything, not only for me but for all of you. It shouldn't have come this way."

Joan raised her voice again. "But honestly, Kev, it hasn't changed so much, at least not for me. Okay, the first weeks after the accident everything was different, but now? My life's pretty much the way it would have been without the accident too. I'm no more or less crazy because of it, I'm not missing anything, nothing's bothering me… really, everything's fine."

Kevin shook his head and looked at his sister. "It's all so present, so un-ignorable. There are wheelchair adjustments everywhere in this house and maybe we wouldn't even live in this house if I hadn't done it. Maybe we'd still be living at home."

Again it was Joan who said something. "But I don't care about a chair lift at the stairs or a shower bench or whatever you think about. These are things that are just there and I don't think about them anymore. I have to admit that I don't even think about your wheelchair most of the time. It's just a part of you that's there, like a new sweater or a new haircut. You see it for the first time and you might be a little irritated, but when you see it for the second or third time, it's something that's just there and that you get used to."

"And we would have to moved to Arcadia one way or the other," Will said. "I wanted this job, I thought it was a great opportunity and I took it."

Kevin looked at his mother, hesitatingly at first, then he asked, "But Mom, I know that it still bothers you, that you too are living with what happened but haven't really accepted it. Not yet. So could you at least be honest and tell me that this all has been my fault? Finally?"

He looked expectantly at his mother, then at Joan who remembered their talk a few weeks ago. The night Kevin and Luke had overheard her mother talking about the feeling that Kevin died the night of the accident. So she returned his look and raised her eyebrow. Hadn't they talked about that? She'd really thought Kevin was fine with that by now.

Helen didn't see the wordless exchange between Joan and Kevin, she was too focused finding the right words to say what she wanted. "You're wrong, Kevin, I don't think it has been your fault, honestly not. It was an accident, yes, one that changed our lives, yes, but I don't think this is a question of fault and it shouldn't be a question of guilt either. I don't blame you for what happened. I started to blame you for only staying in your room, not getting out, not looking for a job and not looking for a life, but I guess you started just in time before getting in trouble… so…"

"He overheard you talking," Luke said, interrupting his mother and - from his point of view – trying to get the discussion over. "We did."

"What did you overhear?" Will asked.

Again Joan looked at Kevin, this time waiting for him to tell their parents. "Mom and you… you were talking about dying. About me dying," he finally said. "Mom cried and…" Kevin stopped talking and stared at the ground, not willing and able to face his parents.

Will and Helen exchanged a look, seeking answers in the other one's face, an answer to the question what to say now. They both new that this was something between Kevin and Helen and Will even thought about taking Joan and Luke and leave the two of them alone but then decided against it. They'd gone to family therapy and they'd solve this issue as a family. He looked at Helen again, waiting for her to start explaining.

"I didn't want you to hear it," she said slowly. "And it has absolutely nothing to do with fault. I have just been starting to think again, now that you're doing better and yeah, you're right, I haven't really accepted it. I still wish that I wake up someday and it was all only a bad dream, but everyday I wake up it's still there and it's still real. I'm sorry Kevin, you deserve someone better and stronger to support you, but sometimes I just have to step back and find myself again in all this drama. I need to figure out things for myself so that I can be there for all of you. Maybe that makes me weak and a bad mother, but I can't change it. We gave you so much time to figure things out, but all this time I was doing all the work, I was organizing things, I was helping you, finding solutions for everything… I did it all and it was okay, but it didn't leave me time to find myself again. I need that time and I need to talk about it. With my husband. And this has nothing to do with you in the first place."

Kevin had been listening to what his mother said and he could very well understand her, but what he couldn't understand was why it had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with him, hadn't it? "But Mom…"

"No," she interrupted him. "Kevin, please don't. Don't blame yourself again because I've heard it already tonight and I want you to stop thinking like that. It was an accident and if we're going to blame somebody I'm going with Luke and am blaming Andy. Not you. I never have and I never will. I took this as a challenge and I thought I was doing fine. I really thought that, up until the day you started to have a life again. Turned out that I'm not doing so fine, but that I'm an expert at repressing things."

Will, Joan and Luke all listened, unable to say something and unwilling to interrupt whereas Kevin knew he couldn't just stay silent. His mother was still fighting the fight he'd almost won by now and he hadn't seen it. Well, Joan had told him that she just needed time, but for him she'd always been the strong mother, doing everything. To hear it from her, to hear that she was weak was new. A feeling so new that he suddenly felt better, so much better that it felt as if it was time to be the one helping, not the one to be helped.

He smiled weakly at his mother and said, "You're definitely not a bad mother. You're the best. I… I'm sorry I started this tonight, I shouldn't have. If you need time, take it. As you said, I'm doing okay, my life is okay… and…" He hesitated. "And if there's something I can do, then let me know. Sometimes I feel as if I've forgotten how a real family works. Sorry."

Helen smiled back and reached out to hug Kevin. "I'm glad you started it," she said. "Even though I can't stand seeing you cry. But I'm tired of hiding my feelings, so..."

"And I already told him he should stop overhearing you," Joan added, making her parents giggle. "But maybe you could have those conversations somewhere else."

Will nodded grinningly. "We will. We so will."

Luke asked, "Does this mean we're done now? There are a few of us playing online tonight and I would really…"

Helen, who'd let go of Kevin, told him that he was free to go and sighed. "No more family therapy?", she asked and everybody nodded. "No more family therapy."