The Cast of "AVALON: Web of Magic" Performs…

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD!"


ACT I

Narri: And only the grace of God and my natural laziness saved them from me making this a musical. (wink)

Zach: (pushes a trolley full of lights by) Stupid omnipotent authoresses…gotta be some kind of labor law against this…

Lorren: (follows, hauling a box of bricks…because for some reason, we need bricks) Oh, don't complain. You were born for this kind of work.

Zach: WHAT was that, girly-man? (super-duper-glare of DOOM)

Lorren: ...Ehehe!

Narri: (mumble) Gotta admit, his name DOES sound just like "Lauren"…oh! Heh! Right, I was doing a disclaimer. I don't own AVALON or any of its characters. There! Happy now?

Rachel Roberts' Attorneys: Yes, that about covers it. (packs up and leave)

Narri: PHEW! u.u; Attorneys… Well ya'll, I wrote this down real quick for a couple of reasons. One: my inner authoress is hungry for reviews, and since I haven't updated much in so long, the reviews are few and far between. Two: I looked at the site one day and saw, hey! We're up to 100 fics! Pretty impressive, since when I first got into AVALON fics, there were only two pages' worth of fics, approximately 44 total. It was sad. But NOW we're more than DOUBLE that! HOORAY! (goes crazy with a handful of party noisemakers) And the third and most entertaining (for ME) reason is…I just really wanted to piss off everybody who keeps screaming at me to update Aldenmor Summer! I KNOW I haven't updated in eons, ya'll, but there's no reason to get pushy! I'll update when I want! And ya know it's no fun to write with people demanding stuff all the time…

Ozzie: (runs up in a shrubbery ((DUM-DUM-DUMMMM…)) costume with a Styrofoam cup and a fluffy brown moustache) Here's your frappuchino, lady. We're on in five.

Narri: Ah, thank you, my good ferret…elf…whatever! n.n (stops in mid-drink) HEEEEY, what gives? This thing's empty!

Ozzie: Uhhhh…. (gone with the wind)

Narri: CRAP! (chases) Places everybody, we're on in five minutes!

Ozzie: (skids to a halt) Minutes? I meant SECONDS!

Narri: "0.0" PLACES! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET TO YOUR PLACES!

((COMPLETE PANDEMONIUM))

Kara: (slides into her Narrator's Chair, gasping for breath) H-hi, everybody! (huff, huff) And welcome to our own production of Little Red Riding Hood! (huff, pant) We have a great show for you tonight…so let's get started! n.n;;

The curtain raises to reveal Emily standing on stage, wearing a red medieval-style traveling cloak with a frilly blue dres a-la Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ under it. The camera zooms in on Kyle, in the wings, who has suddenly and inexplicably accquired a severe nosebleed. (Narri looks around whistling innocently) She's carrying a basket of cookies on one arm and is surrounded by a good many panting, exhausted shrubbery. DUM-DUM-DUMMM…

Narri: (backstage) Good Lord, are they going to play that music EVERY time we say the word "shrubbery"?

DUM-DUM-DUMMM…

Narri: SHADDUP! u.u This ain't Monty Python…

Adriane: You've stolen enough jokes from him already.

Kara: Err, yeah…right. Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. …God, were her parents drunk?

Narri: Don't question the idiocy of fairy tales. Keep going.

Kara: 'Kay. She was named thus because she'd always worn a red hooded cloak her grandmother made for her.

Zach: (whispers) Is that the one who gets sick in this story?

Adriane: (also whispering) Let's just hope she kicks the bucket.

Narri: QUIET IN THE WINGS!

Lorren: You're the loudest of all…

Kara: Hey! Shut up back there! You're running my monologue! …Ahem. One day, the little girl's mom got word that her grandma had fallen ill, so she sent Little Red to visit her, and packed a basket of treats for her to give to her Grandmother.

Adriane walks out on stage in June Cleaver-esque lacy apron. Zach develops a dreamy look on his face and it's Narri's cue to whistle innocently again. The readers begin to catch on to Narri's favorite pairings, because they're not brain-dead. But seriously, is there anyone here who DOESN'T support Adriane/Zach?

Adriane: Damn omnipotent authoress…

Narri: I have a lace/bows obsession. Chobits is addictive. So sue me. (P

Lorren: (on the phone with his lawyer) Believe it, lady.

Adriane: (sighs) Okay Em—uhhh, Little Red Riding Hood, go take this basket to your grandma. She is deathly ill, POOR THING, (rolls eyes) and needs this medicine.

Emily: Mom, do I have to? She scares me!

Adriane: She scares everybody, kid. Get over it. Besides, I laced all the edible stuff with liberal amounts of rat poison. She'll be out of our hair soon enough. Now get!

Emily: Okay Mom! (skips off down the oh-so-well-crafted "woodland path" we've painted onto the floor)

Narri: So I spent all my money on anime! I'm poor. Leave me alone! (sobs)

Zach: The janitor's gonna have fits. Thank God SHE'S paying for it.

Kara: Yeah-yeah, moving on. Little Red Riding Hood started down the path to Granny's house, stopping once in a while to gather wildflowers and talk to bunnies, and other cutsey fairytale heroine hobbies, and KYLE, WOULD YOU STOP TRYING TO LOOK UP HER SKIRT!

Kyle: (whistles innocently a-la Narri)

Emily: (blushes)

Lyra: Maybe you should have cast Kyle as the wolf instead…

Narri: I know what I'm doing! (peace sign) n.n v

Kara: (huff huff) I'll get him later…when Little Red Riding Hood came to a fork in the road, she was totally lost. Apparently 'Mom' forgot to include a roadmap in the basket o'-goodies.

Emily: (sighs) Oh dear me, what EVER shall I do. I am hopelessly LOST in the MIDDLE of the WOODS. Woe is me.

Narri: (rolls eyes) Put some 'UMPH!' into it, Emily!

Emily: OH, GOOD GOLLY GOSH! I'M RIGHT HERE LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS, AND GOLLY-GEE-WHIZ, I MAY NEVER FIND MY WAY OUT! HOW SUPER!

Narri: Heheh…better.

Kara: And suddenly, out of nowhere, came the big bad wolf!

Ozzie: He mistook her for a girl scout. Common mistake: it's cookie season.

Narri: Shh!

Moonshadow: ALL RIGHT! Finally the authoress gave me LINES!

All: (roll eyes)

Moonshadow: Uhh, right. Where are you going on this beautiful day, little girl?

Adriane: He sounds like a child molester!

Narri: Welcome to the fairytale universe. All the bad guys are like, Michael Jackson impersonators. Even the animals.

Emily: I'm just on my way to visit my sick grandmother—

Zach: Sick in the HEAD…

Emily: ...and take her this basket of poisoned goodies.

Moonshadow: Wow. Feel the love.

Emily: It was Mom's idea.

Adriane: It's a GOOD idea!

Kara: (hisses) Quiet in the wings!

Moonshadow: So…which way is your grandmother's house?

Emily: That's the thing! I'm lost, and I can't remember!

Ozzie: They don't visit grandma much since her giant spider 'Fluffy' ate the dog.

Narri: Shhh!

Moonshadow: Well, I know of a little cottage down the left path. It's made out of candy, and…it's the weirdest thing, but a lot of little kids go down that way and don't come back.

Adriane: A crossover? That's cheap.

Narri: It's FUNNY and cheap! The fans'll love it!

((Readers: We'll see about that…))

Emily: Oh, yep! That's grandma's house, all right! Well, thanks mister wolf! See ya!

Kara: And so Little Red Riding Hood skipped off down the path to the left, little knowing that the Wolf had given her the wrong directions! While Little Red took the longest route to Grandma's house, the crafty wolf sped down the right path—

Ozzie: Which path was that?

Kara: The right one.

Ozzie: You just said that. But which one is right?

Kara: Right!

Ozzie: But which did Emily go down?

Kara: The left!

Ozzie: Left?

Kara: RIGHT!

Ozzie: So left is right?

Kara: NOOO! (breathes fire)

Ozzie: Well, why didn't you just SAY so? Sheesh!

Narri: CUT!

INTERMISSION!

Adriane: Why are we even having an intermission? With everybody interrupting every two lines or so, the whole thing is just one big intermission! You call this a PLAY?

Narri: (twitch twitch) U.U;;

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAM FOR ADRIANE AND ZACH MAKING OUT IN A BROOM CLOSET.

Narri: Mwahahahaaa…

Dark Sorceress: You truly ARE evil. Congratulations.

Narri: Oh, it's not THAT bad…although I have a feeling they WILL be rather pissed at me when they snap out of it. Behold, kiddies, why we do not mock the omnipotence. (winks)

Emily: Kara, put DOWN the camera and step away from the keyhole! They deserve their privacy! (blushing up a storm)

Kara: We're in a fanfic, Em! Privacy is a thing of the past!

Ozzie: GaH!

Narri: Right. Now, I would like to announce to all of you here…

Dreamer: Adriane and Zach aren't listening.

Narri: Obviously! Ain't omnipotence super? n.n v (takes my bows) I'll fill them in later. But I wanted to announce, ya'll, that I am VERY disappointed in you!

Moonshadow: And what did WE do…?

Narri: The interrupting thing! It's gotta stop! We're barely halfway into the story and we've already taken up SEVEN pages! COUNT 'EM! SEVEN!

Lyra: (winces) They really shouldn't give bipolar people omnipotence.

Narri: So stop doing it or I'm duct-taping everybody's mouths shut! Comprende!

Kyle: Hey, YOU'RE the one writing all this…

Narri: What do you think I am? Omnipotent?

Everybody takes a moment to stare at Narri as if she is an idiot. Because, well…she is an idiot. At that moment, two screams resound from the broom closet. The door slams open to splinter against the wall, apparently because Adriane has side-kicked it open. It's really hard to tell, judging from the fact that she's now standing framed in the doorway, tomato-red, hair disheveled, panting ferociously and pointing murderously in Narri's direction. Oh yeah, REALLY hard to tell. If looks could kill, the "lovely authoress" would by now be six feet under and sprouting daisies. In perhaps the wisest act of her life, Narri turns tail and runs. Chances are that no force field she could conjure would hold up under the irate warrior. Adriane follows the abuser of omnipotence at nearly mach speed, as an equally flushed/disheveled/out-of-breath Zach stumbles out of the closet after her.

Moonshadow: Wolf brother. Are you all right?

As Narri swings from a sandbag-rope just out of Adriane's reach, catcalling and making faces, and the warrior retreats to find a chainsaw and other fun, helpful power tools, Zach utters the six words humanity never thought it would hear in that precise order, ever.

Zach: Remind me…to thank the authoress.

TO BE CONTINUED!