I hope all those affected by the shocking earthquake and tidal waves a week ago are recovering well. My heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims of the tsunami.
Chapter 53.
The next couple of days were a blur to Harry. Every waking moment was spent thinking about Hermione, and his dreams were filled of the memory up in the Astronomy tower. He knew Ron was feeling the same way, and neither were up to talking to anybody.
The Gryffindors were numb with shock. The common room was always subdued and quiet, and the rift between Gryffindor and Slytherin had grown even deeper. Aurors were sent to Hogwarts and proceeded to ask any of Malfoy's friends if they knew about what Malfoy had been planning on doing. They all said no and many pretended that they weren't Malfoy's friends. The Aurors knew that something was wrong, and informed Dumbledore. Dumbledore immediately asked Malfoy's friends to roll up the sleeves of their arms. Only two did, and, once the Aurors saw the Dark Mark on their arms, sent them away from Hogwarts to be questioned at the Ministry of Magic.
Harry did not particularly care what happened to Malfoy's friends. All he cared about was Hermione, and Malfoy's fate. It was reported that Malfoy did not get a trial, and was sent to Azkaban. Harry felt a little bit of happiness at the news, but not enough to cover the sadness and anxiety he was feeling for Hermione. The week after Hermione had been stabbed was crucial for her survival. Tests and potions and all sorts of things were given to her at St Mungo's for her recovery. Hermione's parents stayed with her at St Mungo's; however Ron and Harry were not allowed to visit her because they were still in school and were not immediate family.
It tore Harry up that he couldn't visit her that week, that he was sitting at school, being forced to listen to lectures and write useless things on parchment, when he really wanted to be at St Mungo's, wanted it more than anything else for her to get better.
It was a bright, harsh flame of guilt that was burning, ever present, in his chest. It was there in the mornings, in the afternoons and when he went to sleep. The knowledge that Hermione was in St Mungo's because of him tore Harry up inside, and it only reminded him that all his other close friends would be treated in the same way in the eyes of Voldemort-his friends would be useful only to hurt to him, Harry.
And it was worse that it was Hermione that Voldemort chose, for she had already suffered so much because of him, she had spent weeks in the hospital wing last year, because of him.
But finally the news came that she would be alright, and that she would pull through, even though it would be hard and she would be in a considerable amount of pain. The elation that Harry felt at that moment when Dumbledore told him was so much that he couldn't speak for several minutes, a large grin forming a permanent place on his face.
The flame of guilt in his chest burned dimly in his chest after that, he still felt awful that Hermione had suffered because of him, but it was brilliant that she was going to live. Harry did not even want to think what life would be without her or without Ron for that matter.
But the thought of his friends and family getting hurt because of him was permanently etched in his mind, and he could not look at Ron without remembering this cruel fact. He did not want to live without his best friends, but to keep them safe, he might have to. Hermione had already been targeted twice because of him and Ginny in his second year. They had survived it, but what would happen if they did not the next time? Harry knew he would not be able to live with the guilt if they died. The guilt that he had suffered knowing that he had indirectly hurt Hermione was eating him up from inside, and he did not know, and did not want to know what he would feel and be like if his friends and family were taken away from him permanently.
This ever present guilt and the growing sense of isolation and the idea that his friends would get hurt because of him, caused Harry to be separated and detached the days after Hermione's attack. Hermione still lay in hospital, comatose, and none of his friends seemed up to talking, even after the declaration that Hermione was going to live, but they still noticed that Harry's was quieter and more detached than the rest.
Ron, Luna, Ginny and Neville had asked him about it, Lupin had tried to broach the subject after class but Harry had just walked away, and Sirius and Willow could tell something was wrong, but Harry had completely disregarded the subject, despite the snide comment from Ron that accused him of acting like he did last year. Harry didn't particularly care, he was drowning in a pool of sorrow and misery and self-pity, and he was too busy to care about how he came across to his friends.
It was at that time, when Harry was wallowing in self pity near the lake, watching as the giant squid skimmed the surface of the water with its tentacles, when he heard snow crunch on the ground underneath heavy boots.
Buffy stopped next to him, her arms folded against herself, wrapped in a large coat and scarf. "Can it get any colder?" She complained, shivering.
"Try going to the Artic." Harry said wryly, and Buffy grinned.
"And you make jokes. That's good, because I haven't heard many jokes from you for the last couple of days. Or laughter. Or any kind of words coming from your mouth."
Harry sighed and looked back out at the lake. "Don't feel up to speaking at the moment."
"Well, you're doing it now. Want to talk some more about it?" Buffy quietly, placing a hand on Harry's arm.
"About what?" Harry said stiffly.
"About Hermione." Buffy said. "I know how much she means to you, and I just want to know how you're doing."
"I'm fine." Harry said, but after a pause, and Buffy nodded knowingly.
"You're really not." She commented, and Harry made no move to prove her wrong. "I know its hard Harry, but-"
"No, you don't know!" Harry said angrily.
"I do know." Buffy said quietly but firmly. "Don't forget, I'm the slayer, remember? And I know it's different, because it's always different, but I just want you to know that I've been there."
Harry stared stonily out into the lake, trying hard not to listen to Buffy, but it was difficult not to. They were both incredibly different, but both so scarily similar. Buffy had just as much pressure on her as Harry did. Buffy had been through the same things, fighting against evil and the like, and Harry knew that Buffy had seen some terrible things in her life. As had Harry.
"You know Faith went evil right?" Buffy asked, and Harry nodded. "Well, when she was evil, she was working for this big demon guy, the Mayor. And he was getting ready for his Ascension, which basically, is a big whole thing of bad. Anyway, my friends and I were working on stopping him, and Faith, and I guess the Mayor knew we were really close or something, because he sent Faith to deal with me, by attacking someone who was really close to me at that time. It was Angel, and I loved him, and they knew it. And they poisoned him."
"Like Hermione." Harry said softly, and Buffy nodded.
"Yeah, Faith poisoned Angel like Voldemort did to Hermione. And it pissed the hell outta me, and it scared me too, 'cos I thought I was going to lose him." Buffy said quietly, looking out across the lake.
"And they didn't succeed." Harry said, and Buffy smiled.
"No they didn't. Thankfully, I saved him." Buffy sighed, and locked her arm under Harry's. "But that happened all the time. The big bad that we would be fighting would choose one of my friends, 'cos they knew it would take my focus away."
"Your friends got hurt because of you." Harry said quietly, and Buffy nodded.
"Yes. But you can't stop it from happening."
"If you stop being their friend then it would. If you cut off all ties with them, they wouldn't get hurt." Harry said bitterly, voicing his thoughts.
Buffy looked up at him sadly, searching his green eyes. "And that's what you're thinking of doing, aren't you?"
Harry didn't answer, but it was enough for Buffy.
"I thought about doing that, many times. I cared so much about my friends that I never want to see them get hurt. But, if you don't keep in contact with anyone, then you can go crazy."
"Maybe, but your friends will be safe." Harry commented.
Buffy shrugged. "Sure, but they'll be sick worrying about where you are and what you're doing. For me, having close friends and family helps. The council always frowned upon it, the slayer is supposed to be some lonesome girl with no connections. But, having friends and family gives me someone to fight for. Without them, I'll probably be dead. And I know that without Ron and Hermione, you'll be dead too."
Harry sighed, shoving his free hand in his jeans pocket. "I know I wouldn't be able to live without Ron and Hermione, but if I was not their friend, they would be so much safer, and Hermione would have never gotten hurt."
Buffy shrugged, and unhooked her arm from Harry's. "I can't stop you from shutting everyone out. I can try, but in the end, it has to be your decision. You ask Ron and Hermione, and see what they think. You see if they do not want to be your friend anymore because of the danger that will place them in. I'm a hundred percent sure they would do anything for you, and I know that isolating you would be the last thing on their mind. You can try to shut the world out, Harry, but it won't shut out you." Buffy said quietly, leaving Harry by the lake and heading back to the castle.
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That evening, Harry was summoned to Dumbledore's office, and Harry knew what it would be about. Because it was on his mind. Every time he stopped thinking about Hermione, he would start thinking about what he did to Draco, and the power he had exerted over him. Wandless power.
Harry sat in Dumbledore's office on a comfy, cushioned chair, opposite Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore sat on his chair behind the desk, eyes behind half-moon glasses peering at Harry, observing him. Watching him. Harry did not like it.
Common sense told him not to be rude and not to demand that Dumbledore stop staring at him in that unnerving manner, so instead, he cut to the chase. "I was wondering why you asked me here."
Dumbledore's mouth drew up into a knowing smile, and he leant back in his chair, clasping his hands and placing them on his lap. "No you weren't. You, dear boy, already know."
Harry shrugged, and placed his hands on the arms of the chairs. "I want to know what you think about it."
Dumbledore said nothing, except peered at him again in that annoying manner. Harry sighed, and opened his mouth to say something, but Dumbledore beat him to it. "How are you Harry?
"Fine."
Dumbledore nodded, seemingly satisfied with Harry's lie. "I have news about Miss Granger."
Harry leant forward in his chair, suddenly eager to listen to whatever the headmaster had to say.
"Mr Weasley and you are permitted to visit her tomorrow." Dumbledore said with a smile. "Miss Granger woke up this morning for a couple of minutes and then again at lunch for an hour."
Harry grinned, breathing a sigh of relief. "Thank you Professor."
"Oh no, don't thank me. Thank the wonderful Healers. They have worked night and day to save your young friend." Dumbledore said truthfully, and Harry nodded.
"I will." He said breathlessly, silently thanking them already.
"Professor Lupin and Buffy will accompany you tomorrow. You can stay as long as you want at the hospital, but you must be back here in time for dinner. There is a chance she will be sleeping throughout the day, as she is very tired, but I suspect you do not mind."
Harry grinned. "No I don't."
Dumbledore nodded. "Good." He stroked his beard thoughtfully, and the smile disappeared. "What magic did you use against Draco Malfoy?"
Harry's smile disappeared, and he sat back in the chair. "I used my wand. And, my hand I guess."
"Have you been studying Wicca Magic?"
"No." Harry said hurriedly, knowing what it had done to Willow. "I don't know how I did it."
Dumbledore nodded, standing up from his desk. He proceeded to walk around the room, inspecting the paintings and objects as if he had never seen them before. "It takes a very powerful wizard or witch to accomplish wandless magic of that kind."
"I'm not powerful though." Harry protested. "I can hardly do any of the work that we cover in Transfiguration!"
Dumbledore shook his head. "That is irrelevant." He said quietly, fingering a cabinet, a cabinet which held the Pensieve, Harry remembered. Dumbledore seemed to remember at the exact same time and he looked back at Harry sharply, muttering "the power the Dark Lord knows not."
He hurried back behind the desk, Harry watching him curiously. "You think this has something to do with the prophecy?"
Dumbledore nodded as he stroked his beard. "Tell me, Harry, what happened several moments before you exerted this power over Malfoy."
"I lost my wand, Ron too." Harry remembered.
"You lost your wand, and then you used this power over him?" Dumbledore asked. "Can you remember any specific details? What did Miss Granger do for instance?"
"When we lost the wands, Hermione tried to reach for them." Harry remembered.
"And?"
"She was hurt, and she cried out in pain. She couldn't get near to the wands without experiencing pain." Harry remembered, speaking through gritted teeth.
Dumbledore smiled and sat back in his chair. "What is your relationship with Miss Granger?"
Harry sighed, he had lost count how many people had asked him this question. "She's my friend. One of my best friends. I don't know what I would do without her."
Dumbledore nodded. "What do you feel towards her?"
Harry frowned. "How do you mean?"
"What feeling do you associate with her? Does she make you feel anything special?"
Harry shrugged. "I don't know. She's never abandoned me, I know that. Even when Ron was angry with me in my fourth year, she was there for me. We had a fight in third year, but, I guess even when we weren't talking she was still looking out for me."
"And do you feel the need to look out for her?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry shrugged again. "I dunno. Yeah, I guess I normally do, but she's my friend."
"Do you think she is capable of looking after herself?"
"Yeah, of course. She really doesn't need me looking out for her to be honest. She'll be alright on her own."
"So why this need to look out for her?"
"I dunno, I just don't want anything bad to happen to her I guess. I've screwed that up so far, haven't I?" Harry added dryly.
Dumbledore shook his head adamantly. "No Harry you have not. I think, in the long run, you have just saved her life and yours, as well as many others." He said, a smile growing on his face.
"What?"
Dumbledore leant forward and placed his hands on the desk. "I am most pleased with you Harry, for I believe you have started to develop the 'power the Dark Lord knows not'."
Harry's eyebrows rose. "Already?"
Dumbledore chuckled. "Yes, already."
"And, uh, what is this power?" Harry asked curiously.
Dumbledore smiled. "Do you remember what I told you about you and your mother?"
"My mother's love is living in me, protecting me from Voldemort?" Harry answered, and Dumbledore nodded.
"Yes. That is a type of magic. Love magic. It is stronger than any other magic in this earth, as it never dies and last forever."
"Is this the power I have over Voldemort? Love from my mother?" Harry asked.
"Yes and no." Dumbledore answered.
Harry frowned. "I don't think that can get any vaguer."
Dumbledore smiled and stood up from his chair. "The love your mother held for you, was just that, a mother's love. There is nothing like that kind of love. Nothing in the world. The love that you hold for your friends, such as Hermione, is different. The moments before you showed that power against Draco, Miss Granger was hurt, and you heard her pain. You heard her pain and anguish, and you protected her, because you either love, or are in love with her. But whatever it is, both kinds of love are very powerful against Voldemort." Dumbledore finished, leaning against his desk.
Harry frowned. "But why love? Why not something else?"
Dumbledore smiled. "Good question. Do you remember last year, when I was facing Lord Voldemort? I told him there were things worse than death, and he disagreed."
"I remember."
Dumbledore nodded, and stared at his bony hands. "Lord Voldemort, or, more precisely, Tom Riddle, thinks death is worse than love, because he has never loved, or been loved in return. There are no attachments for him in the mortal world, there is no one he would hate to see suffer. There is no one he will deeply miss if they were gone. Therefore, he fears death the most, because it is something that ends everything physically. He believes that there is nothing after death, nothing physically, nothing solid he can touch and feel, and because of this, he is afraid of it. Do not forget, he worked for years on a way to make himself immortal."
"So, he fears death, and doesn't fear love because he has never experienced it?" Harry clarified, and Dumbledore nodded.
"That is correct. And you, my dear boy, happen to be full of love. Different sorts of love for different people. The power that you have is your ability to love. Whether it is the love you hold for Hermione, or the love you hold for your parents. Both are different, but both equally powerful and strong. The power you have against Voldemort is what will destroy him in the end. " Dumbledore sighed, and headed back behind his desk. "I think I've given you enough to think about." He said cheerfully, peering at Harry like he had when Harry had first come in. "Why don't you head back to your common room and tell Ron the good news?"
Harry blinked, his mouth open slightly in shock. "So, I can just go?" He said, shocked at the abruptness of it all.
"Of course," Dumbledore said kindly. "I have many things to do, and I'm sure you would like to think over things, so off you go."
Harry nodded dazedly and walked out of the headmaster's office, his head swimming with what he had just been told.
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Hi everyone! Happy New Year and hello 2005! Sorry about the last chapter, I know it wasn't in the Christmas spirit and all that, but it had to be done! Thank you for all the reviews as well! You guys rock my new and stripy socks!
Elsawriter: yep, big battle coming very soon. I'm getting excited! Also, I read your new story and its super cool, so update! I am, now it's your turn!
Thanks to Sam-453 and Selina who helped me with this chapter!
Please review!
