Chapter 5

Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

About fifteen minutes later Natalie descended the stairs of her cottage dressed in a pair of low rise, drawstring, sweat pants and a tank top, her bare feet slapping against the wood as she brushed her hair.

Absently, she hummed along to the music playing in the other room. Entering said room, she paused and stared at the room in surprise. It wasn't by any means a romantic paradise, but itwas sweet.

The papers and books that had covered the table had been moved and a couple of candles that she kept around the room had been lit. The room, it self, was dimly lit and a bottle of beer had been placed on the table in front of her usual seat, a miniature pool table beside it. Well, he certainly went through a lot of trouble, she thought with a slight smile as she crossed the room to pick up the bottle. Taking a swig, she recognized the music playing and shook her head: "John, you know you could've changed the CD," she called out as she walked towards the kitchen.

"My mother ever found out I did, I'd be as good as dead. Besides, you know she's my favorite."

Natalie laughed at that: "not the least bit biased there, are you?"

"Now what would give you that idea?" he asked from near the stove.

"You know, you really didn't have to do this," she told him softly as she pulled self consciously at the label of her beer.

"Yeah. But I wanted to," he shrugged. "You feeling. . ." he started as the door bell rang.

"I better get that," Natalie sighed turning towards the doorway.

"If you need. . ."

"I'll call out," she answered as she hurried to the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming," she yelled in response to the insistent ringing. "Where's the fire?" she asked as she pulled open the door, expecting to see Roxy only to get an irate Jessica, who stormed passed her and into the alcove, instead.

"I really can't believe you! You know that? As if starting that fight wasn't enough, you had to go further and get John to come over here to see you so that Antonio couldn't be there for me tonight!" the blonde ranted.

"Jess, calm down. I don't know what. . ." Natalie started to protest as Jess spun around and continued her rant: "Don't. You are the most selfish person I have ever met! You have to destroy any happiness I might have because you're still jealous! You had no right to pull your 'poor pitiful me' act tonight!"

"Why? Because you didn't get to work on yours?" John asked from the doorway of the living room.

"Excuse me?" Jess asked incredulous.

"It's ok, John," Natalie said stiffly. "You don't understand."

"I think I understand enough," he said coming towards them, fixing his gaze on Jessica. "For your information, Natalie didn't call me. Renee asked me to come over and check on her because she was worried. Furthermore, tonight was, and has been, my night off. Antonio just figured he'd be able to get me to take his shift for him."

"And you would've if it weren't for her and her acting skills!" Jess whined as she turned her attention back to her twin. "What? Paul too busy for you?"

Natalie inhaled at that: "get out!"

"Gladly," Jess huffed, pushing past her and out the door, listening as it slammed behind her. Shaking, the blonde wrapped her arms around her chest and stared up at the sky. "What the hell did I just do?" she asked herself as she looked back at the door. "No. . . I'll give it time to blow over. . ." she said as she started towards her car.

Meanwhile, Natalie slumped against the other side of the door, closing her eyes against tears. "She's wrong, you know," John said softly as he watched her with concern.

"It doesn't matter," she answered tiredly.

"It does."

"Whatever," she muttered as she pushed away from the door and brushed pass him.

"Don't," he admonished as he followed her into the living room.

"Don't what?" she asked as she collapsed onto the couch.

"Don't hold it all in. You don't have to. Not tonight."

"This coming from Mr. Openness?"

John shrugged: "I'm trying. I told you that. . ."

"I have enough real people overshadowing me, I don't need a ghost too."

"I'm trying. But I'm not the only one in this room with baggage," he reminded.

Slouching further into her seat, Natalie looked at the ceiling before closing her eyes: "I'm so tired of all of this. Of trying to fit into a world I can't fit into. Of having to be one person for one family and another for the other and being a part of neither! Of no one wanting me for anything but money that I haven't even earned!"

Unsure of what to say or do, John sat down next to her. "That was one of the reasons you dated Paul, wasn't it?" he asked, reading between the lines of her words. "He made you feel wanted. At least at first."

"I don't know. He was just one more in a line of bad choices," she admitted. "I suppose I was able to forget when I was with him."

"The fact that you were usually drunk when you were with him didn't hurt in that area," John couldn't help but put in.

"I guess. But I also thought that he cared. Then I realized it was the money that he cared about, but I wouldn't admit because there was at least someone there. Someone I thought might want me."

"You should've shifted your sights," John commented.

"To who?" Natalie asked, then as he looked away laughed hollowly. "Yeah, that's what I thought. No one. . . not any more. . ." she sighed as she pushed herself away from the couch.

"Christian wasn't the only one," John started, surprised when she laughed again.

"Christian? You think. . . you know the funny thing is I don't think even he really wanted me. I was just a replacement for Jessica."

"He loved you Natalie. That much I do know," he said rising to go to her.

"But not. . ." she shook her head as she used her hand to brush back her hair. "Did Renee tell you why she was worried?"

"No."

"She gave me something at Vickie's today. Something I hadn't even known about."

"What?"

"You never met Ben. He was. . ." she started and then looked down at her feet and shook her head while her fingers twirled and untwirled the drawstring of her pants. "He was the first one to accept me. Made me feel like I fit. Belonged. He was. . . he became. . .I mean, I hadn't even met Clint then. . ."

"He was like a father to you."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Renee gave you something of his?"

"I didn't ask for it," Natalie started defensively. "I never would've even presumed to ask for something of his," she added. "But she. . ."

"What did she give you?"

"It's silly really," she shrugged.

John stepped closer to her and used his finger to raise her chin so she'd look at him. "Apparently, not to you," he said softly, ignoring her attempt to look away as he continued. "What was it?"

"Just a picture," Natalie shrugged.

"Of you and Ben?" he guessed.

"Yeah. Renee said they found it in his wallet. . . No one ever. . ." she shook her head as tears started to fall.

Gently, John enfolded her in his arms and pulled her to him, "its ok. Let it out, Nat. Let it out," he whispered into her hair as he let her cry into his chest.

Sometime later, Natalie pulled away embarrassed, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"You needed to. You've been through a lot lately. Your mother. Ben. The stuff with Paul."

"A lot of people would say that most of it was my own fault."

"What was?"

"The stuff with Paul. Even Ben."

"You couldn't control any of it."

"Maybe, but if it weren't for me Alison wouldn't have. . ."

"Natalie, she was involved because of Lawrence."

"But. . ."

"No. Take it from someone who's carried that sort of blame, no matter how many times you reply it. How many times you try to make it come out differently, you can't."

"He's the only one that I ever believed really. . ."

"Stop," John said as he gently cupped her face with his hands so that she'd have to look him in the eyes. "You're wanted."

"Prove it," she whispered, lifting to tiptoe and kissing him, pulling away angrily when he didn't respond, she cursed and turned away.

"You don't want to do this right now, and I don't want. . ." he started to defend as his arms dropped to his sides.

"Me. You don't want me, right? Not that way! I GET IT! Just friends and all that," she lashed out.

"Don't want?" he asked as he reached out and took hold of her arm before spinning her around to face him as he gently pulled her back to him. "You have no clue what I want," he added as he leaned his head down to hers, tempering the emotions he was feeling as best as he could so that he could keep the kiss gentle.

At first, Natalie remained tense in his hold, but as his tongue probed at her lips, she relaxed against him, her lips opening against his to allow him access to her mouth as her arms went around his waist and her hands pulled at his shirt.

Ending the kiss as gently as he had started it, John leaned his forehead against hers, "we shouldn't. Not while you're so worked up."

"There's never going to be a right time. You won't let there be," she accused as she moved her hands to his front and started to unbuckle his belt. "I want this. We both do."

"I don't want this to be another mistake for you."

"Are you with me? I sit me you see? Want? Right now. In this moment," she asked, her hands undoing buttons and his fly.

His hands covered her and stopped them as he brought his lips close to hers. "I'm with you," he whispered against her lips.

"Then finish it this time," she insisted. "Finish me,"" she added, enjoying his gasp as she slid her hand under the fabric of his pants to touch him. "Make me believe that you want me."

Kiss Me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreams
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

Inhaling, he moved quickly, managing to back her into the wall while extracting her hand from his pants. "I don't know if I can ever make you do that," he said against her lips, his eyes dark and serious as he pinned her arms behind her.

"This isn't about more than now," she answered.

"Isn't it?" he challenged before taking her lips more forcefully with his as he inserted one of his strong legs between hers and trailed his hands up her sides and under her shirt.

Gasping at his touch, she allowed her head to arch back as she rubbed herself against his leg. "Too long. . ." she whimpered.

"What's too long?" he asked as he pulled away slightly so that he could look into her dilated eyes.

"This. . .," she answered as she shifted so that she would pull her arms out from behind her. "You're taking too damned long," she added pulling his head down to hers and shifting again on his leg so that she would ride it with more pleasant friction.

Caressingly, he slid his hands down her sides and stepping towards her, pressing her tighter against the wall so that he stopped her hips.

"Nooo. . ." she moaned against his mouth.

"Yes," he said back as he moved his torso back slightly. "You want me to prove I want you, then let me," he added as he leaned in to his her lips. "My way," he whispered against her jaw. "In my time. . ."

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lot all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Though different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's up that I fell

His time was slow.

His way intoxicating.

His hands and lips slid over her, chasing each other as they turned her so that she was pressed against the wall while he undressed her. All the while, keeping her in a state of arousal without giving her relief.

Brushing her hair to the side he frowned at the bruise on her shoulder blade before he kissed it. "I should kill him for hurting you," he said against it as he moved his body into more intimate contact with hers.

"Don't. . ." she gasped. "Not. . . now. . ."

Chuckling at her response, he turned her with one hand as he started to pull his shirt off. The sound soon changing to a gasp as she moved forward and placed her lips on his now uncovered chest, slowly moving down to push his remaining clothes down as well.

As her body started to lower, he recovered enough to pull her back up and against him. Stepping towards the wall, he once more sandwiched her between it and his body. "My way, remember?" he asked, grasping her hands and bring them up against the wall on either side of her head as he inserted his leg between hers.

"Please. . .I need. . ."

"Need?" he asked rubbing against her and kissing her neck as his hands slid down her arms and reached her breasts. One hand remaining on the sensitive piece of flesh as the other traveled lower.

Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

"Want?. . ." she gasped pushing against him as her eyes closed. "I want. . . so. . .much. . . it. . .hurts."

"So do I," he reassured, his forehead touching hers, "open your eyes. See how much. . ."

Say there's no future
For us as a pair

And though I know I may know
I don't care

"See how much I want you, Natalie," he demanded as he shifted to tease her flesh with his.

Breathing hard, she forced her eyes open and stared into his. "I . . . I. . . want . . .soo. . . much," she gasped.

"So do I," was all he could answer, even as he thought: and what I want is you, while he trusted into her. . .

Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is though
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

Song Credits: Sometimes When We Touch- Engleburt Humperdink

As Long As You're Mine- Wicked