Chapter 5: The Planet of The Animatrons
"So Kagome," said Joey as the small crew sat around the bridge, looking at Kagome's monitor. "If you really do have infinite computation capacity, why aren't you smart enough to build us a time machine to take us back in time so that we can go home to earth?"
"Do I like techie to you?" she asked. "Besides, that comes in my next-"
"Upgrade," they all say.
"Next stupid question," Kagome said.
"Okay, if we did have a time machine," Joey said, "What year would everyone like to go back to?"
"Napoleanic Wars," Kaiba said. "I want the chance to march with the greatest general who ever lived."
"I'd like to go back to last Tuesday," Inu-yasha said, leaning back in his chair. Joey Kaiba gave him strange looks.
"Don't you remember?" Inu-yasha asked them, "We sat around watching TV, ate the last of the Potato Chips, and played Pong on Kagome. We'll never see days like those again."
"I would like most to se the beautiful island of Japan," Miroku said.
"For the days of the samurai?" Kagome asked.
"No, for the plentiful geisha houses," Miroku said. Suddenly, a huge jolt of electricity went through his cable where he was being charged in the wall. "OW!"
"Oops," Kagome said, innocently, "Power surge."
"What about you Kagome?" Joey asked.
"I'm a computer. There's no where in particular I'd like to go. I'd like to go to the future and see what happens to all of us. Do we make it to New Earth? Do you guys wind up running out of food and have to eat each other to death? These are important questions."
"I have an important question," said the toaster from the corner.
"Is it about toasting of any kind?" Kagome asked, a red vein bulging in her head.
"Of course not," whimpered the toaster, "I've learned my lesson."
"Alright," Kagome said, calming down. "Ask away."
"Would anybody like some toast?"
"ARRGGRHRHHHHHHHH!" Kagome shrieked, pulling her hair.
"Look no one wants any toast!" Joey yelled picking up the toaster and shaking it. "No toast, no tea cakes, no muffins, no griddle cakes, no pancakes, no Pop Tarts!"
"Oh, I see. Okay," the toaster said. "You're a waffle man!"
"GAHH!" Joey dropped the appliance and started banging his head on the console. As the toaster hopped away, alarms started going off all around the ship.
"What did you do now, Wheeler?" Kaiba snapped.
"I didn't do nothing," Joey said defensively.
"There's an object coming in on a direct collision coarse with the ship." Kagome said.
"What is it?" asked Kaba as he climbed into the gunner's chair. "A torpedo? A bomb?"
"Looks like a mail pod," she said, bringing the image on screen. "Now that we've turned around, it's caught up with us."
"Oh," Kaiba said disappointed.
"Alright!" Joey said. "I hope my stuff came in."
"What could you possibly afford to buy?" Kaiba asked him.
"Only a genuine imitation model of the world's biggest non-stick fryin pan," Joey said.
"Of course."
The side hatch opened and received the pod into de-contamination. When it had been thoroughly sterilized, the guys went down and opened it up.
"So like, what are you guys gonna do with all these other people's mail, since they're all dead?" Inu-yasha asked as they sifted through letters and packages.
"I guess you can have it, dog-breath," Joey said. "Yay! My model," Joey cheered, hugging the box.
"This is typical," Kaiba said, "I order these extra strength multivitamins weeks before departure, and they come in now."
"I'll just take these," Miroku said, picking up a pile of magazines, "To, uh, line the toaster's cage."
"Hey Joey, check these out," he said, holding up a black spiked collar and a pair of black leather boots with spiked heels. "These were for Lt. Sango. Didn't you have a crush on her or something?"
"Uh… uh…" Joey stammered, his gone red. "Just what else is in there?" he said, taking the box from Inu-yasha. He pulled out a pair of hand cuffs, colored scarves, and a top hat. Then he quickly stuff everything back into the box and said, "You should be ashamed for looking through a lady's private belongings!"
"What?" Inu-yasha asked, "But you just-!"
"I'll just, uh, take these to her room and put them away." Joey said, hurrying off.
"Was he always that weird?" Miroku asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," Kaiba said. "The only other thing in here of importance is Kagome's upgrade software. Other than that, it's just junk mail. Flyers for Arbor Day sales, coupons for anti-fungal cream."
"There's a flyer from a theme park," Inu-yasha said as Joey came back.
"A theme park?" Joey asked. "what theme?"
"History world, a whole separate park devoted to kids, and 'life like animatronic tour guides?" Inu-yasha said.. "what are animatrons?"
"Robots designed to look and act like just like real people." Kagome answered. "They can be based off figures in history, or be a simple as a Saturday Morning cartoon character."
"It says that the animatrons are manufactured on sight," Kaiba said, looking at the flyer.
"So?" asked Inu-yasha.
"So? I could get a new body! I'd just have to download my memory into the factory computer, and then I'd be back in business."
"Which planet is this park on?" asked Miroku.
"Nuton- 7," Kaiba said. "It's only seven parsecs away. We'll reach it in two days."
Transition
That night, as they laid in their bunks, Joey started giggling, while Kaiba tried to meditate.
"What are you so happy about?" Kaiba asked.
"Well, since we're goin to the trouble of making you a new body," Joey said, "I figured we could go ahead and give Sango one, too. Her memories were downloaded too, right?"
"Of course," Kaiba said. "Everyone's were. Wait…" he said, getting an idea, "We could bring the whole crew back!"
"We won't be alone anymore!" Joey said happily.
"I'll be a hero," Kaiba said, sitting up. "They'll me for my ingenuity and brilliance. I'll be beloved by everyone, and have more respect than even kings!"
"Ahem," Joey said. "Remember the guy who woke you up in the first place?"
"Oh yes, you. Well, you'll be given credit as the doofus who survived by accident," Kaiba said. "I'll give you my old job, since I'll be declared the new captain."
"Get your fake head out of the clouds," Joey said, "Then things'll be just like before, we'll be nobodies. And they might dissect Inu-yasha."
"Your right," Kaiba said, coming to his senses. "Fine. We'll only bring back myself and your stupid crush."
"She's not stupid!" Joey said, bopping him with a pillow. Kaiba. Grabbed his own pillow and bopped him back. And so it went until morning.
Transition
The planet was insight as the crew gathered on the bridge. "I wonder if there are other humans down there," Joey said.
"After 3 million years of technological evolution, the humans and animatrons are probably indistinguishable," Miroku said.
"I wanna come too!" Kagome said, "I love roller coasters!"
Inu-yasha sighed. "I'll get the portable screen."
"And don't drop me this time," Kagome ordered him.
Transition
The shuttle landed at the space port, but as they got out and entered the reception hall, the entire building seemed desolate and deserted… like no one had been there in centuries.
"That's funny," Joey said, "We saw plumes o' smoke comin from the factory. That means somebody's gotta be runnin things."
"Well you can plainly see that there's no one here," Miroku said.
At that moment, something whisked by. "What was that?" Kagome asked.
"What was what?" asked Kaiba.
"I thought I saw something," Kagome said.
"Probably just an aniamtronic mouse," Inu-yasha said as he carried her screen and they walked on.
"Somethin ain't right here," Joey said. "How many people we bring with us?"
"Five," Kaiba said. "You, me, that Mutt, the walking trash heap, and the girl in the box."
"Then something's wrong here, cause I'm counting six people," Joey said. They all turned and saw… Someone they'd never seen before.
"Who are you?" Kagome asked the strange guy.
"What do you mean? I'm Bakura," said the teenaged looking boy with wily white hair.
"Where'd you come from?" asked Joey.
"I've always been here," Bakura said. "This is my home. I was made here, I worked, and now I'm hiding in here."
"Hiding from who?" asked Miroku.
"From them," Bakura said, pointing to the gates. Outside stood a legion of Roman Centurians, their swords and spears drawn.
"So," said one soldier, "More Rebels. Call for General Custer."
"General Custer?" the confused five asked. Then, a tall blond man on a horse came riding up in an Civil War Union uniform.
"Well, looks like these Johnnies are going to join the other fictional fabrications in the dungeons." said Custer as he took his pistol, "Single file, prisoners."
"Oh dear," said Bakura as he raised his arms.
"Hold on," Joey interrupted, "we're not fictional, we're real people!"
"Nonsense," said Custer. "The last real people died 500 years ago. All that's left are the fakes and the tour guides. Or shall I say tour guide."
"I'm the last of my model," Bakura said. "And now I'll join my brethren in the scrap heap."
"The General said to march," said the Centurian. And so they marched, poked and prodded by spears as they made their way to the capital of History World: Ceasar's Palace Casino. Inside, they were brutally interrogated, Kagome's box was disassembled and then reassembled to see what secrets it held, as the other five were taken to be judged by the leaders of the Historic Animatrons.
"I don't believe it," Kaiba said, "These are the most evil men in all history!" Before them stood Hitler, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Groucho Marx.
"Groucho Marx?" Joey exclaimed. "You're evil?"
"Of course, a guy's gotta make a livin," said the comedian. "On with the business at hand, says here that they found you guys being fictitious," then suddenly he dropped the piece of paper and started dancing on the table.
"Git offen ze table!" yelled Hitler as he banged the gable. "Nine! Nine!"
"Sorry, your viciousness, but it's way past nine; it's ten o'clock."
"He mean No!" said Genghis.
"Jurrrrry, vat is thine verdict?" the tyrant asked. In the Jury box sat one person, Joe McArthy.
"They're guilty!" he declared. "They're fictional! As sure as Genghis over there is a Communist, they're fictional!"
"Zen I sentence you to ze firring squat!" said the judge.
"The what?" they all asked.
"Firring squat! Firring Squat!"
"He said off to the firing squad," interpreted Groucho, "Now off with ya, and don't let me catch you doing it again."
"The execution shall be at sunset," said Custer.
"Why not sunrise?" Joey asked.
"Because our after slaughtering party is at sunrise and Genghis needs to sleep off his rampaging.
"Me sorry," said Genghis as the prisoners were led away. They were soon taken to a dank and moldy dungeon, whose cells provided full views of the firing squads. The five were locked in cell 38B, and left to wait their fate.
"So who's our neighbors?" asked Inu-yasha.
"Elmo go to wrong fundraiser," said the red monster as he banged his cup against the bars, in the cell across form them.
In the cell to their left was Donald Duck, who was curled up in feathery ball, weeping at his fate, while on their right, a very mal-nourished Yogi Bear played a sad song on the harmonica.
"This is just sad," Kaiba said, "We're all going to die tonight."
"Why are you worried?" asked Miroku, "You're a hologram, and you're already dead."
"Oh yeah," Kaiba said. "Well, you're all going to die tonight."
"How affectionate," Joey said. "After all we been through."
"Well don't blame me," Kaiba said. "It's not my fault you're made out of flesh."
"I won't sit here and get in the dumps," Joey said, standing up. The prisoners all raised their heads at the sudden show of conviction. "Now there's gotta be a way out a here."
"Without Kagome to compute anything, we're doomed," Kaiba said.
"I'm with the idiot," said Inu-yasha, "I'm not going to let a bunch of walking tin cans take me down. My people were warriors, and even if my dad did try to eat his own feet, I know he;d want me to fight!"
"That's the spirit, Dog Breath!" Joey said, "And all you guys, you cartoons and story book characters: you're supposed to be Rebels! Where's your spirit? Where's your energy and life?"
"They took it all away when they took down Micky and Bugs," said Goldilocks said. "How can we fight with them?"
"Joey, these people need a hero, not a zero," Kaiba said.
"They're bringing out a prisoner!" cried Miroku. Everyone went to their windows and peered with horror.
"It's Hello Kitty!" cried Inu-yasha.
"She's refusing the blind fold," said Joey. Soon the sounds of guns being fired filled the air. Then silence.
"Good God," said Kaiba in shock, "There's glitter everywhere!"
"That's something you just ain't never supposed to see," Joey said, holding his stomach.
"Next!" cried the marshal. Centurians came marching in, and they came right to cell 38B.
"I won't go without a fight!" cried Joey. He and Inu-yasha stood back to back. Joey had his fists up, and Inu-yasha had his claws ready. "We figured you would resist," said the Centurain. He pulled out an a sword, "If you will not go, then one of these other wretches go in your places."
Joey and Inu-yasha, grudgingly, eased up and were taken out with the others. They were lined up, blindfolded, and they waited for the bang.
But it didn't come, for just then, the ground shook as a tank came barreling in, firing sticky masses of chewed bubbled gum at the solders and Centurains, sticking them to the ground. Inu-yasha used his claws to untie his bonds, and untied the other four.
"Wow, what luck!" said Joey.
"But who has rescued us?" Miroku asked. Just then, the hatch on the tank opened, ad out popped Groucho, with Kagome's screen hanging on his neck.
"Hey guys," Kagome said. "Miss me?"
"Huh?" all but Bakura asked.
"But he's one of the bad guys," said Joey.
"No he isn't," said Bakura, "He's our spy. We've been planning a rescue mission for the others for a while, but we never had the opportunity. Thanks to you, we can free the survivors and recoup."
"But before we can recoup, we have to fly the coup, so let's make this the coup de gracey," said Groucho as he hopped down and handed Miroku Kagome's screen, while the Seven Dwarves ran into the dungeon and busted the prisoners out.
As the fictional characters scattered about, running in all directions, Genghis Kahn and his Mongol Horde came riding, barring oozies, blasting away.
"This way, to the factory!" Bakura ordered, and they made a mad dash for the smoke stacks.
"New body, here I come," cried Kaiba as he ran.
"Is that all you can think about?" Kagome yelled, we have to get back to the shuttle!"
"Not before I get a new body," said Kaiba. As they reached the doors, the Mongolians at their heels, Genghis aimed his oozie, and fired.
"Oh crackers," said Groucho, "I'm hit! I'm hit!" sparks flew form his back as he went down.
"Groucho," Joey said, catching the animatron.
"No, go kid," Groucho said, "Don't worry about me… My only regret is, I never go to see Broadway."
"It's, uh, right over there," Joey said, pointing across the street.
"Oh," said Groucho. "Then I have no regrets. Program Terminated." and his head slumped down as his battery expired.
"Hurry!" cried Bakura, "We don't have much time." They rushed on in, and set Kagome's screen down.
"Hook me up to the main frame." she said. Kaiba opened the side panel and plugged her into the factory's central processor. "Now I'll start churning out more fictional characters than the bad guys know what to do with." She went through an inventory of every TV, movie, and book character known to man kind, and soon the factory went onto over time as beings from the mythical to the ordinary were assembled and came filing out.
"Great," Kaiba said, "I'm leading an army of Smurf against the most powerful conquering force in history."
"Come on, Ducks," Joey said, leading The Mighty Ducks to the windows, machine guns in their hands.
"Now, just one more thing," Kagome said. Then suddenly, her screen went blank.
"Kagome?" asked Miroku.
"What happened?" Inu-yasha demanded. "Where'd she go?"
"Oh no," Miroku said, "She was hit during the interface."
"Then why is the factory still going?" asked Bakura. Suddenly, emerging from one of the molds was… Kagome! Dressed in a green jumpsuit, and a bazooka in her hand, she cranked it, tossed Inu-yasha a ninja sword, and said, "Let's go."
"I love you," Inu-yasha said, then he grinned, his shining bright, and he charged out, slashing and hacking at Mongol after Mongol.
As the remains sparked and sputtered on the ground, Bakura said to them, "Thank you for everything. But if you're going to make it back to your ship, you must leave now."
"What about you?" asked Kagome.
"I have to stay and lead," Bakura said. "You've given us all the tools we need. Now we can defeat them, and make this theme planet a happy, wonderful place again."
"Goodbye, Bakura," Joey said. "Come on guys," he said, leading the way back to the space port, and aboard the shuttle.
Transition
"You're still mopein?" Joey asked Kaiba as they sat in the kitchen.
"I didn't get my new body," Kaiba pouted.
"Well what would've ya have done besides go on a date with Inflatable Vicky?" Joey asked as he slurped spaghetti.
"That stupid computer double crossed me," Kaiba said, just as Kagome and Inu-yasha came walking in.
"Well, we finished installing Yugi's programming," Kagome said. "Yugi is the new master computer of Red Kitsune."
"So, you happy with your new body?" asked Joey. Kaiba growled.
"Well, Inu-yasha certainly is," Kagome said, giggling, Inu-yasha frowned and blushed.
"Well then, since now you have a body, you'll need nourishing, refreshing, delicious toast!" said the toaster as he hopped onto the table.
"No," Kagome said, gritting her teeth, "Now that I have a body, I can do this!" She grabbed the appliance and started pounding the microchips out of it as it cried and begged for mercy.
"In the name of Thomas's English Muffins, STOP!" cried the toaster as Kagome kicked and punched it, chasing it all over the kitchen.
"Oh brother," said Kaiba, as he smacked his head against the table.
