Author's Notes: Well... looks like I am the sole writer of this fan fic now.
Adrenaline Adoration
Chapter 4- Dislocated Devotion
Everything was so silent; the usual vivacious voices that would coat the air of the surrounding dojo were nowhere to be heard. Kenshin's head remained in its downcast position, a testament to only the surface of his raging emotions. It was all so confusing and articulate in his mind; he had been plagued with migraines for the past three weeks as he attempted to sort out his feelings and erase the uneasy feeling pitted in the center of his stomach. Nothing seemed to hold the same light as it had originally; it all just seemed to meld together in a grayish mixture, nothing contrasting from anything else in a bland, carbon copy world.
There was nothing that Kenshin could do. He had to admit it. As much as he hated to realize this was the reason for his grievances, he understood the truth. The deep anger attacking his senses and deepened sorrow that blanketed his heart were all sprung from the same incident and the same reason. Everything that was plaguing his existence were connected and rooted from the same misfortune, even though he understood there was no way that he could have changed the inevitable outcome.
He missed Kaoru, and he could never have her back.
Kiyo had made it a strict rule that Kenshin was not to attend the wedding—something, that despite heated arguments from Kaoru, had remained the same. At first it seemed a little odd, but Kenshin finally resigned from any possible complaint in the situation. In an attempt to convince himself that Kaoru was better off with another man besides himself, he had allowed it to roll off his back. There was no way he would have been capable of watching Kaoru being given to another man as it was, so it was for the benefit of their marriage that he not attend. If he had, Kenshin was positive he would have acted irrationally and completely out of character; Kaoru would never have made it toward Kiyo before he had managed to smuggle her away.
That had been two weeks ago, and as much as he attempted to deny it, Kaoru was no longer his to protect, and no longer his to please.
Everything he had worked so hard to perfect had been snatched away in a matter of days. Images swept throughout his mind, but there was one that had always remained fixated within his skull: Kaoru's face the moment she passed through the gates of her family's dojo. It had been a brash movement on Kenshin's part, and a last minute decision; he had cowered away from the scene before hand, knowing deeply within himself that there was no way he could watch her walk out of his life.
As long as he didn't see it, then she still remained in his life; she was just simply lost, and he would have to find her, like a game of cat and mouse. It was only a matter of time before he would stumble upon her, capture her and ravish himself within all the luxuries he had been denied for so long.
But despite all his attempts to force reality out of his mind, the truth still remained deeply rooted in his mind. Kiyo had managed to steal Kaoru away from him without a fight, and there was no way he could get her back or make up for his unconcerned actions. Kaoru was a woman proud of her family and their teachings, and thus would do anything it took to honor their memory. It wouldn't matter if she loved Kiyo or not—if it would help to keep the good name of her family and kenjutsu technique as honorable as the day they began, then she would overcome the obstacles and do it. But the look that had overtaken her eyes the moment Kaoru left the dojo…
It had been too much like Tomoe's eyes before she had fallen victim to her own emotions; far too tormented and distant.
Would Kaoru end up just like Tomoe had, and learn to love the man she was tied to by an unwanted twist in fate's tapestry of time? What kinds of emotional sacrifices would she be forced to make in order to survive the trials ahead of her? The drastic changes within her attitude had been devastating, even before she was forced to leave the home that she had grown up within. There had been a complete one hundred eighty degree change in her personality; the Kaoru that left the dojo was not the same Kaoru that had dwelled within it.
That forced another flicker of anger to erupt deeply within Kenshin's subconscious. Fate had dealt yet another unfair hand to the woman most important to him; he had promised himself that things would be different with Kaoru than they had been with Tomoe. And with all its irony, they were; while both of them were torn away from him before their time, at least Tomoe had been with him when she left. Kaoru was still aimlessly traveling about, waiting for her demise with a man she didn't love and in a shell of her former self.
This, with a second bout of irony, was the same as Tomoe's fate. It was quite odd how history could repeat itself.
'I haven't atoned far enough yet for all I have done; obviously Kami has decided agaisnt allowing me the small comfort of being able to love someone' He thought bitterly before standing.
Kaoru had yet to write. She had promised to send them a letter a week, and to visit them as frequently as she possibly could. Kenshin had not seen or heard from her since the night by the river; neither had Sanosuke or Yahiko. That small abyss in their connection to Kaoru was unnerving; it wasn't like her not to honor a simple promise such as that. Kenshin had assured himself he wouldn't look into it; Kaoru would restore contact with them as soon as she could. All they had to do was wait patiently, and the day would arrive.
Kenshin was tired of waiting though, and his resolve cracked easier than he would have liked. He missed Kaoru something terrible; enough that he was prepared to leave the dojo and ask Tae for help. Tae usually had the heads up on almost everyone in the city; there was a good chance that if he asked Tae, he would be able to find Kaoru. Or, at least, it was worth a try. With all the different people that would pile into the Akabeko, there was a chance that someone had mentioned Kaoru nonchalantly in their conversation, and Tae had picked up on it as she served tables.
Picking up the shambles of himself from the porch of the desecrated dojo, Kenshin forced his feet to move in a normal rhythm out of the dojo and onto the streets. He hadn't left the dojo since Kaoru had; it was almost as if he was afraid to stumble across her smiling with her newly found husband. The image of Kiyo sent strange, catapulting emotions through Kenshin; just the thought of Kiyo made him angrier than any visit from Saitou. In fact, Kenshin realized with an unenthusiastic grin, he couldn't remember being this angry for such a prolonged period of time. He wasn't even this enraged with himself over all the people he had murdered.
There was more a sadness to his reason of atonement than anger. He suffered more sadness with himself over destroying Tomoe's life and happiness; he suffered more sorrow over her betrayal and final attempt to rescue him than selfish anger. There was more pity toward Enishi's attempt at snatching Kaoru from him than there was anger; and Kenshin suffered more disbelief in himself over Jineh's ability to take Kaoru from him and nearly murder her. Every time he battled with Saitou, it was simply over the samurai instincts instilled within him; there was no anger toward Saitou, simply the dividing line over ideals.
There was never a time that Kenshin could remember being this angry for so long, other than his argument with Hiko before he ran off to join in the effort to bring down the Shogunate and Bakufuto restore peace within Japan. And even then, Kenshin had not been as angry as he was now; there were so many different levels to his newly found, firing rage. As much as he wished to tear Kiyo apart piece by piece, he had to rationalize that it was as much his fault as it was Kiyo's for coming. All he had to do was tell Kaoru sooner what he had felt for her; if he had, this entire incident would have never occurred.
But of course, he could never be positive on that possibility either. Kaoru had never come forward with her own emotions toward him; his only ability to formulate a hypothesis on her position was how jealous she would get when Megumi shamelessly flirted with him. Another sad smile graced Kenshin's lips; he missed the arguments between the two women and having to butt in between them. Memories of such events would never be enough to contain the longing he felt.
Blinking when he finally registered the sounds and places around him, Kenshin realized that he had managed to travel all the way to the Akabeko without thought. Turning to the doorway and entering, he was pleasantly greeted by a young girl in the orange and black striped kimono of an Akabeko waitress. Her brown hair settled around her shoulders and she blushed when she spoke, but Kenshin only offered her a gentle smile and covered up the anger that was bursting within him.
"Himura-san! Nice to see you! How have you been?" Tsubame questioned, an embarrassed smile over her lips. "Would you like me to escort you to a booth and get you some tea?"
"There is no need for such formalities, Tsubame-chan." Kenshin stated. "Actually, I came here to find Tae-dono. Is she in?"
Tsubame turned to the side and glanced toward the kitchen, then back at Kenshin. "She's in the kitchen with Yahiko-chan, I believe. You can sit in that booth and I'll go get her for you, okay?"
Kenshin nodded and sat in the deserted booth, watching as Tsubame finished her trip to another table to hand out water to the customers. She rushed to the kitchen, and then Tae emerged, a determined, business-like appearance to her. Sitting next to Kenshin as soon as she reached the booth, she smiled at him.
"How have you been? I haven't seen you since… well, never mind when I last saw you." Tae stated. "How have you been holding up?"
"I'm fine, Tae-dono." Kenshin assured her.
Tae slapped her hand down on the table abruptly in outrage. "That is a lie, Kenshin Himura, and you know it! How can you say you are fine when you didn't even show up at Kaoru's wedding or watch her leave? You haven't left the dojo since Kiyo turned up and took her away!"
"I… is it that obvious?"
"Whether you like it or not, Kenshin, you're an open book when it comes to your feelings for Kaoru." Tae told him without regrets. "I only wish you had been that open to her about them. When I mentioned Kiyo's name, a fire lit up in your eyes. You obviously harbor a lot of anger toward him."
Kenshin placed a hand on his left temple, feeling another ungodly migraine coming to his abused skull. "That is something I cannot help, Tae-dono."
"What finally got you to leave the dojo? I was prepared to do the same thing I did for Kaoru when you left for Kyoto, and force you to talk to me. There is no time in life to just mope around, you know!"
"I was wondering, Tae-dono, if you had heard anything from Kaoru-dono." Kenshin responded slowly. "I'm started to wonder about her; she hasn't written or visited like she promised."
Tae's face fell and she leaned back, thoughtfulness drawing a steel plated façade over her face. Deliberating within her mind over whether or not she should explain what she knew to Kenshin, she finally decided to tell him; he deserved answers more than anyone else did, she decided.
"I ran into her in the market a week ago with Kiyo. She was following behind him slowly while he talked to some of his business buddies. When I tried to talk to her, she mumbled a hello and kept her eyes on her feet. Kiyo turned to me then back at his business partners and said he needed to go. He instructed Kaoru to follow him and she did. A few days ago she came into the Akabeko on her own, asking for some water. When I gave it to her, she asked to be alone. I left but stayed close by. She had some sort of injury on her arm that she was cleaning; I don't know what it was. I came back later and she refused to talk." Tae explained. "I was planning on finding you to alert you when I had more information; I'm not used to the passive Kaoru that Kiyo has managed to beat her into."
Kenshin's eyes fell into small slits. "He's beating her?"
Tae's hands flew in front of her. "No, no, that was a figure of speech, Kenshin! I haven't heard of any abuse from him toward her, just deep possessiveness."
"Oh." He muttered. "Where are they living?"
"I couldn't tell you Kenshin, to be truthful." she responded. "They're still in the Tokyo area."
"Thank you Tae-dono." Kenshin answered, standing slowly. "That's really all I wanted to know."
"Are you sure you wont have some tea or something to calm down over? I think what I told you only managed to add fuel to the fire."
Kenshin shook his head. "No, I'm fine. I need to go see some other people as it is. Good day, Tae-dono."
Standing up and proceeding out the doorway, Kenshin turned in the opposite direction of the dojo and swam farther into the swarms of people and deeper into the heart of Tokyo. His trip was not completed yet; there were still a few more people he wished to see while he was out.
The police station was a large, western style building that screamed authority and punishment. Kenshin had resolved to come here at the last moment; he had failed in his search for Sanosuke, and Megumi had ,oddly enough, not been at the clinic. There weren't many other places he could go, and with the new suspicions Kenshin had on Kiyo, the police station seemed like the correct place to be going. The only part of this trip that was scratching at the surface of Kenshin's self conscious was the person he was coming to see.
Stepping within the doors, Kenshin walked up to a young recruit behind a desk. The recruit looked up and nodded toward Kenshin, acknowledging the fact that he was in the room.
"Can I help you?"
Kenshin finished his trip to the desk before responding. "I'm here to see Officer Fujita, if that is at all possible."
The recruit cringed. "Do you have an appointment? He really doesn't like to be bothered when he's working, especially when he's reviewing some top secret junk for the government."
"Just tell him Himura is here to see him. I'm positive he'll make time for me."
Standing and rushing off as quickly as he could, the recruit disappeared down a hall. Kenshin entertained himself by practicing his ki sensing; there were six people in the hall the recruit had just disappeared down, and one of them was obviously Saitou. Soon enough the man in question appeared in the hall, a cigarette dangling loosely from his mouth as he held the ever present smirk he saved specifically for his all time foe.
"So you came to see me this time, Battousai. This is a little out of character for you; I didn't think you were the one to initiate a fight." Saitou stated, leaning agaisnt the wall across from Kenshin.
"I didn't come to start a fight, but if that's what you wish, I'm prepared for that too." Kenshin reasoned smoothly. "I came to ask you a favor."
Saitou's smirk increased, but he kept his demeanor cool. "I can almost guarantee my answer will be no, but do please humor me in continuing with your request."
The glare that Kenshin sent at Saitou was deathly, but he managed to keep his voice calm. "I was wondering if you would look into a Kiyo Nishawagi for me. Call it a hunch, but there is something about him that doesn't sit well with me."
"No." Saitou remarked. "Just because he was the one who ended up with the tanuki is no reason for me to bother looking into something that will turn up with nothing in the end."
"I have a good reason to believe there is more to him, and it has nothing to do with Kaoru." Kenshin responded. "Obviously he is skilled, but there is just something about his personality that doesn't sit well with me. He's contradicting himself."
"Do you have any proof that he's committed any crimes at all?"
Kenshin opened his mouth, and then closed it. There would always be loopholes when it came to trying to get Saitou to help him; but in the end, he had seen no other choice in the matter. Now he mentally cursed himself for even taking the time to try and sway Saitou to seeing things in his perspective.
"I don't have any proof other than my own senses, and how often have they led me astray?" Kenshin tried to bargain.
"I will see you later Battousai. Thank you so much for interrupting my work for something as moronic as this." Saitou stated, turning back down the hall. "If I wasn't at work, we would have dueled as well."
'Now that I have Battousai's own questionings on Kiyo Nishawagi, maybe I can get permission to investigate this further.' He thought to himself before disappearing into a random room.
Defeated and still without the answers he wanted and a new multitude of questions, Kenshin grudgingly entered the dojo again. It was dark and morbid feeling inside, but he ignored the sensation of foreboding. All his thoughts were trained to solving the problem of getting someone to help him. It didn't matter to Kenshin what everyone else thought his reasons were for looking into Kiyo; they were petty, in the end, but he had a bad feeling Kaoru's safety was in danger.
Lighting a lantern to illuminate the area around him, he proceeded to sit and continue with his thoughts. Despite the long line of people he knew and had ties with, he was running out of allies that he could have help him. What kind of person would be able to sneak around enough to dig up the information that he need on Kiyo and Kaoru?
"Aoshi." Kenshin mumbled, standing suddenly and searching for the closest paper to begin his letter on. "Aoshi and the rest of the Oniwabanshu will gladly help me with this; and if they do not, Misao most defiantly will make them."
Aoshi—
I am sorry to bother you so abruptly, but this is something I cannot do without your help. I need you to look into a man named Kiyo Nishawagi; as you will find out, if you haven't already, he and Kaoru-dono are wedded. He is a business man, who I am assuming is well to do, but there is something about him that really bothers me; I cannot pin point it. Tae-dono told me that they still dwell within Tokyo, but I cannot give you much more than that to start your search on. Kaoru-dono has changed drastically since they were married, and I have a reason to believe it's not just the normal transition from being single to being married.
I am relying on your help.
Kenshin Himura
Kaoru settled into her kneeling position, reminding herself to keep her hands folded in her lap and her eyes downcast; she would be eating what was left over after Kiyo finished his meal. She bit her lip to contain the wish to fill the unnervingly silent room with conversation; she knew better than to cross Kiyo with her trivial bits of conversation.
"You are getting better in the kitchen, Kaoru-koishii." Kiyo responded. "I take it you did as I said and had Miako-san help you?"
His response was a mute nod. Miako came into the room to finish placing the food that Kaoru had prepared out onto the table, before returning to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Kiyo continued to bask in the silence and continue eating his meal; his face would contort every once in a while, but otherwise his response remained neutral toward the flavor and texture of the food. Kaoru remained in her position, her mind blank of most coherent thoughts.
She missed Kenshin and the rest of her friends; but she was married now, and according to Kiyo, when you were married, sacrifices had to be made. Although she felt as if her sacrifices were much more acute than his, she knew better than to complain about it to him. Arguments never gained anything for her in the end, and only served to gratify Kiyo's picturesque image and power. As much as she despised her new position in life, she kept replaying Kiyo's words in her head.
'You cannot be happy unless you try to. I can't make everything wonderful for you, but I will try. You need to do the same.'
That was why she turned to Miako to help her with the cooking; Kiyo was worse with his comments than Yahiko had ever been. Miako was the maid of the large mansion-sized home that Kiyo and Kaoru dwelled within, and she always had a smile for Kaoru, even though it seemed fake and full of pity most of the time. At least it wasn't a smile of spite and demented joy like Kiyo's were.
"You went to the Akabeko a few days ago, didn't you Kaoru?" Kiyo interrupted her train of thought.
"Hai." She responded. "Only to get some water to clean the wound on my arm, though."
"But you went anyway, even though you know I don't want you to."
"I'm sorry Nishawagi-sama; I didn't think you would be upset if I didn't say anything or stay, I will never do it again."
She soon felt herself falling to the floor, pain ricocheting through her skull with the force of the blow that Kiyo sent to her cheek. Not responding to the punch she had received, Kaoru remained motionless upon the floor. Kiyo stood and walked toward her, kneeling by her and then taking her face in his hand, squeezing roughly as he lifted it to face him. Wincing slightly, Kaoru managed to open her eyes to look at Kiyo as if there was no emotion or fear behind her gaze.
"You did it, even though you knew it was forbidden. You really do need to be punished, Kaoru." Kiyo stated. "But what way will be the best, is what I wish to know."
"I don't now, Nishawagi-sama." She answered quietly, turning her gaze to the floor. "I was wrong, I know."
Kiyo snapped his wrist, causing her head to smash roughly with the hard wooden floors of the room. Kaoru cried out silently in pain but remained motionless. She could hear Kiyo reach over toward the table and take hold of something before letting it hover over her body.
"I'm making a new rule, Kaoru-koishii." He stated calmly. "I am far too busy to be watching you all the time; from now on, you will perform your own punishment."
Forcing her to sit up, Kiyo held a small kitchen knife out toward her palm. Kaoru blinked as she looked at the small blade, wondering what exactly Kiyo had in mind. He instructed her to hold it, and she hesitantly allowed her palm to encircle the sharpness of the steel. Twisting his palm, Kiyo made a small, painful incision into Kaoru's hand. She closed her eyes and bit her lip roughly until she felt Kiyo let go of the knife.
"Each time you do something you know will cause me to get angry, I want you to give yourself punishment. Take this knife and cut yourself each time you do something you shouldn't." Kiyo stated.
"But…"
"Kaoru…"
Silently pleading for the pain to go numb, Kaoru flipped the knife over so she had a hold of its handle and then proceeded to swipe the blade across her right arm. Blood fell from her palm and down her arm, and she used her kimono to keep it from staining the pristine floors. If it did, she would have to cut herself again. Kiyo smiled and then kissed her gently on the forehead before standing up.
"Good. See? It's not that hard, and so much easier, wouldn't you agree? Now eat, and then go to bed. I will be there waiting for you. For now, just eat. And, remember I love you, but sometimes you just need to be punished. I can't allow you to misbehave, Kaoru-koishii"
Kiyo left the room, and Kaoru stared at the knife in her hand. Her blood was still over the steel, and oddly enough she preferred this to the beatings she would usually get from Kiyo when she did something wrong. Scraping the knife across her arm again, she silently stated what she did wrong.
"I went to the Akabeko and let someone see the injury."
And then she proceeded by slicing three more long cuts into her arm, and slowly began to allow the tears to fall down her cheeks.
"I thought about Kenshin once today."
Author's Notes: I told you this was an angst story, now didn't I? Don't kill me. If you want to kill anyone, kill Kiyo, okay? He is the evil one. I'm just the one that has to somehow explain how he is evil. I will try to get another chapter out before the end of July, okay?
Please review! I want to see if I can hit 100 reviews by chapter 5! I will try to do review responses in the next chapter. All your reviews keep me writing, and help me keep my ideas churning. So feed me with those reviews, and maybe you will get a chapter much sooner.
Love and hugs—
Crystal Renee
