Disclaimer: Me own nothing. Get it? Got it? Good. (I love Danny Kaye.)
AN: Wow, if you didn't already hate Rokou, now you will. But he's not bad! He's just... devastatingly normal. I feel sort of guilty for writing stories like this. I looked through my collection of fics, and I realize... all of them are me trying to process the death of a friend. But now, now, she's been dead for a year and a half and I still write fics about coping with death. So please... please don't hate Rokou. He is so very normal. Again, lightly edited, so I don't get too picky, and so that the rawness of the emotion remains. Oh, and I love Obaa-san. :D
Otouto
Darkness
After Kourin died, nothing seemed real. I never really accepted it at first. Like one morning she would come tip-toeing into our room and crawl into bed with Ryuuen, or she would grab my ankles from under a porch, or something. But nothing ever happened. Every little giggle was Kourin, but then I'd find the source and my image of little violet Kourin would fade into brown haired Miki, blue eyes wide and unsure.
At first, whenever I would see Ryuu-chan, I would jump back. But he was never our sister, though he was getting paper-pale enough to be a ghost. His muteness seemed like a joke, like a dream. Kourin and him were playing some grand joke on us and one day they both would pop out of bed laughing. They would run around us and tell us how they fooled us all. It was never Kourin! It was some dummy, some mannequin from 'Tou-san's store.
But then it sunk in. Her broken body, cleaned and stitched for the funeral. I could touch her cold, icy hands. I didn't want to, at first, I thought that if I never touched or saw her it wouldn't be real. If I never took her hand then, well, who's to say that she's not a wax model? And then the real Kourin will walk through the door, yawning and rubbing sleep from her eyes. But she never walked in. So I took her cold hand. Her flesh was like ice, but it was flesh, not wax. She was real. That was when my tears started.
Ryuuen refused to touch her body. He was probably just like me... if I don't touch her, then she won't be real. And the real Kourin will hop out of a closet, screaming and making scary faces. Then she would giggle and tell us she scared us all, you all look like you saw a ghost. But she never hopped out of a closet, she never crawled into bed with me, she never left rouge stains on the wall. She just lay there, cold and waxy, like a theatre prop. Hardly real. The kind of prop you see in puppet shows and laugh, saying, that can't be a ghost! That's no demon hand! But then you get closer... and the blue on her lips seemed all the more real. Like a ghost, a demon, who drifted into our house to stay the night, dressing in Kourin's clothes and tricking us all.
Some nights, I would lay in bed, so angry. It's his fault she died. He should have looked out for her. I always felt so sorry when 'Tou-san would yell the same things, but in my head I felt no different. The world would be a better place if you had died instead. You're better than me at everything. You play too many pranks. She was cuter and sweeter and nicer to cuddle. And... and then I would dissolve into my shameful tears, bleeding out all of my anger and sorrow through my eyes.
One day, when we were watching the shop for 'Tou-san, I told you how I felt. I was so bitter then, so angry, so stupid. Ryuu-chan, I'm so sorry.
Ryuuen was draping gold silk over a girl's shoulder to show the mother how it brought out her eyes. "Look, look! The gold brings out all the green!"
"Aaah! Kirei!"
"See? See?" He said eagerly, turning the girl to the mirror. She giggled happily. "See, look how pretty this color makes you look!"
"Oh, you're such a brilliant boy! The girls must adore you!"
Ryuuen ignored her comment, searching for some green gauze.
I sat back behind the counter, arms crossed. He always did this. I watched the little girl. She was eight or nine, same size as Kourin, her giggle so eerily the same.
"Ryuu-chan... stop playing this game." I muttered under my breath.
He didn't hear me, but the mother certainly did. "What game?"
"Ryuu-chan, you're just doing this because of Kourin..."
Despite the softness of my voice, he heard me. "Kourin?" he asked, breathless.
"It was all your fault, and you know it! You're just making up for it... being so nice..."
He looked like I had punched him in the gut.
Tears were coating the backs of my eyelids. The look of horror on his face. Images of Kourin's wax body, still, like a sleeping princess... It was his fault! I was so angry... I'm so sorry, Ryuu-chan. I just couldn't stop.
"You killed her!" I was crying now, I stood up so abruptly that my chair fell behind me. "You killed her! You pushed her in the way! Or something!"
He was beginning to hyperventilate. The bolt of gold silk clattered to the floor, his hands quaking. "Not you too...?"
I just couldn't stop. I had come out from behind the counter. He took a step away from me.
"Not you too...?"
I seized him by the shoulders and shook him. "Yes, me too! You could have done something!"
He couldn't hold my eyes. When 'Tou-san yelled he met his gaze... but with me, he could not. For some reason that made me feel so powerful. I could do what our father couldn't. 'Tou-san could not, no matter how hard he tried, stare Ryuu-chan down. I'm so very weak, I'm so terrible.
"Maybe it would have been better if you died!" I thrust him away from me. The look of fear in his eyes empowered me. "What good are you anyway? If you can't save her and then you go and sweet talk every other girl like her?"
"I..." He was studying his thumbnail. I felt so powerful.
"You shouldn't be alive."
He met my gaze. I felt so cold on the inside. "Not you too?"
I tried to glare at him, but I couldn't bear it anymore... my anger and fear and sadness bubbled over and I bent over the counter, sobbing.
As I cried, Ryuu-chan slowly stepped backwards towards his corner, towards his sacred bolt of violet silk. "I couldn't do --"
"Bullshit! Do you have your seishi powers for nothing?" In the corner of my eye I watched the mother drag her little girl out the door. Another thing to blame on murderer Ryuuen, I thought.
"Not you too?" His voice was muffled by the bolt of violet silk he clutched. Those were the last words he ever said to me. For a long time.
I'm so terribly sorry.
Obaa-san's the only one who found out about that exchange. I told her, as I held Ryuu-chan's still body. She stopped rubbing my back as I told her. Without her soothing hand my sobbing hiccups returned. When she didn't replace her hand when I had finished, I sighed. "I would hate me too..."
She made a soft sniffing sound, and then lay down on top of me, hugging me close through the blankets. "It's normal to be so angry..."
"I shouldn't've said anything..." I sniffed to try to stop my crying, but that only transformed somehow into a sob, a long coughing choking one that leaves your chest feeling absolutely hollow.
"When bad things happen," she whispered into my ear, "we get so angry, so upset, that we can't change anything... and we hurt people."
"I'm sorry..."
She sat back up and resumed rubbing my back. "You used to have an older sister."
"Eh?"
"When she was still an infant she started coughing... and never stopped."
"Oh..."
"And I was so furious with your mother... I screamed and screamed. 'Stupid girl, stupid girl, you killed my baby! You didn't do anything right, you didn't keep her warm enough, you didn't do anything!' But... that same winter... so many other babies died. It didn't snow, but it got so cold... But I couldn't stop yelling, yelling that nothing she did was right... she ran away to her parents' house... but she came back eventually."
"Will Ryuu-chan come back?"
"You're not evil, Rokou-chan," she said, evading the question.
I left it at that and tried to let her soothe away my tears, calm me into sleep.
Some mornings I would wake up to the smell of rice and fish. I would roll over and groggily watch 'Kaa-san try to feed some breakfast to Ryuu-chan. Some days he would sit up and accept the food, like a helpless baby bird... but on others 'Kaa-san ate most of it. At first I felt so bitter, why does he get the attention? Is he the new baby? But then I began thinking about how this was all my fault in the first place. I yelled at him, I betrayed him. "Not you too?" I kept seeing that look he had on his face... horrified and afraid and shameful. It used to make me feel so powerful; I could scare my strong brother. But now I felt like a bully. Every time I woke up to him taking breakfast I began to think about how it was all my fault, and I would roll over again and cry into my pillow. I said horrible things, I would think to myself. But as time went on my list of horrible things extended... I not only said horrible things, I also should have kept a better eye on Ryuuen and Kourin... my precious otouto and imouto...
The day they left the house, Kourin had begged me to come with them for snacks. She tugged on my arm and gave me her saddest eyes, her fakest pout, and called me "Nii-san" in her most syrupy voice. If only I had bought her fake-sad act! Maybe she'd be alive. And I wouldn't've said terrible things to Ryuuen! And he wouldn't be a ghost. And 'Kaa-san wouldn't be crying and wasting away. And 'Tou-san wouldn't be so edgy and angry all the time, jumpy without his sweet little girl to hug and tease and give sweets to behind Obaa-san's back. And Obaa-san wouldn't seem so old and worn... and everything would be back to normal. And 'Kaa-san wouldn't be at Ryuuen's bedside because of his condition, no, he'd have some fever or something and she'd be checking on him! And soon Kourin would tip-toe in, and 'Kaa-san would yell at her to keep away so she wouldn't get sick too. And then Kourin would crouch down and try to crawl behind her to get to Ryuu-chan, but 'Kaa-san would catch her, and tell her to be more lady-like!
And then I'd realize that it was all just a dream. Kourin will never come sneaking into our room again. And I'd keep thinking how it was all my fault.
And then I began to understand why Ryuu-chan would lay around in bed all day. Sometimes I felt so weak, so paper-thin and see-through, that I wished life would melt away. I would be standing behind the counter in the store, and suddenly find myself wishing I could melt into nothing, collapse, something. I began to feel so frail and weak, speech was a burden.
Obaa-san confronted me about my behavior one day, and I told her that I just felt like fading away. And she slapped me.
"Stupid boy! Not you too!"
"Not... you... too?" I repeated weakly, not bothering to touch my tender cheek. For an old bat she had quite a swing.
"Stupid boy, stupid boy!" She waved her arms in the air in frustration. "Both of you!"
"Both...?"
"Ryuuen told me this too! I feel weak, I can't live, life is worthless! You're too young for that!"
"But --"
"No buts! You don't feel weak and frail until you've lived! Until you lose a love to some rich man! Or lose your fortune! Or -- or -- lose a child! You stupid..." She trailed off. "Do not do this. For your mother's sake. She cannot take another..." She shook her head with frustration.
"Another?" I asked dumbly.
Obaa-san threw up her hands. "Stupid boy!" She turned and left.
I got her point, though. 'Kaa-san was falling apart... she looked like a frail little rag doll when she fed Ryuuen, her seams fraying and her hair growing ragged.
But then I would get back to thinking -- Oh, it is my fault!
Then, after a long while, I realized... there was nothing I could do about it in the first place. Kourin was dead, and there was nothing I could have done, nothing Ryuuen could have done, nothing... nothing... nothing.
So I would hug him, crying, telling him how sorry I am. How very very sorry. Sometimes he would hang limply... but eventually he began to hug me back. And eat more and more of his fish and rice.
But he never spoke, never met my gaze, no matter how much I told him I was sorry... so terribly fucking sorry...
