Disclaimer: I do not in any way own the series Digimon or any of its characters featured in this fan fiction.

Sorry for the wait, but compared to some of my other fics, this wasn't that long … er, okay, maybe it was. Still, no excuse. Things were just hectic with Uni and I'm working full-time again right now … ah well …

Yes, I'm evil, but I did have my second genre as "angst". I honestly don't think it's that heavy, but I'm a freak and I tend to like exceptionally dark stuff for some reason (blood-red's my fave colour actually) Still, the emphatic response means that my writing is effective, so I'm actually rather pleased. Over 100 reviews, wow … and that was only for 5 chapters … maybe I'm getting better at this writing thing …

Anyway, enough babbling from me, I know you're all anxious to find out just what's going on … So without further ado …

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.

… Okay, so that's understating it a little bit, it's more like they run at the speed of sound ahead of me then crash and burn and wait for the rest of me to catch up and deal with the huge mess they've caused. I find that there are many ways to go about cleaning up messes and the proper equipment is very necessary. Of course as I rarely even take advice from myself, I usually end up hiding away and wallowing, deceiving myself into believing that I'm thinking things through rationally and getting somewhere when I'm actually digging myself into a deeper hole of chaos and misery.

I would usually ask Tai for help right about now … but considering the situation …

It's been well over a month since I made a complete disaster of everything. He hasn't spoken a word to me and I'm too afraid to try and contact him myself. I'll admit that I can be cowardly at times, Courage isn't my crest, it's his … so why the hell is he hiding away and avoiding me too?!

But then again, there are certain situations when time and thought are needed before the right actions can be taken. Even Tai sometimes needs to sort things through before he can gather his courage and I certainly have a hell of a time asking for help and reaching out from my loner shell. Some Guardian of Friendship I am.

Maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself and Tai, we are just teenagers after all … well, I guess that excuse might have worked if we hadn't been through all that we had. I suppose when you've had to save the world a few times petty situations like this aren't supposed to need excuses. I mean when the situation arises, you can't very well say "sorry, I can't save the world today I was going to wash my hair". I hate being mature and responsible, I only end up feeling guilty and disappointed with myself whenever I do something like this.

Doesn't mean I'll stop it just yet though. I'm something of a masochist, enjoying my pain and prolonging it … hm, something else to add to my growing pile of weirdness.

"Yamato?"

I looked up as I heard the quietly concerned voice of my partner. I managed a small smile for Gabumon and petted the soft ground beside me in invitation. He curled up against my side comfortingly. I really am lucky to be so blessed as to have him around at least.

"Takeru came by, he wanted to talk to you again."

I winced. Gabumon never sounded accusing, which made it so much worse whenever he uttered those words. I just love guilt don't I?

"Yeah, I thought he might." I sighed. No matter how guilty I was feeling I knew that I wouldn't be able to face things just yet. Honestly I haven't been that selfish of late, can't I just have a month of indulgence?

On second thought, six weeks? My month here has already passed, two more weeks should cut it.

I'd come to the Digital World about a month ago, a week after Taichi left. He didn't contact me at all, unlike that time when he visited Mimi … he'd called me as soon as he'd landed, before his family even. This was definitely a bad sign, but I couldn't contact him first – not that I was entirely sure I could – it wouldn't have been received well. I knew that he and Hikari had taken their D-terminals with them so it wasn't like he couldn't contact me. He obviously just didn't want to.

I had screwed up royally.

I sighed, leaning back and lying on the lush grass. They sky was so blue, a perfect blue they might say. This world was always the same, always so artfully constructed and picturesque, it used to comfort me, now I could feel my longing for my world returning.

"I missed you so much Gabumon," I said honestly to my partner. He looked over at me with a gentle smile and I reached up to pull him down against my chest. "Wish I could stay here forever with you."

"No you don't," he told me quietly. He was right, I did miss him, but I knew I was just avoiding things.

"Sorry." I knew it hurt him whenever I was like this. I guess I'd had enough time for myself. "I'm really going to miss you again."

He smiled at me. "Takeru's down by the lake." I nodded. He'd be there all day, I knew, I still had some time to say goodbye. Gabumon sat up and looked down at me again. "Would you play for me Yamato?" I looked to see my old harmonica in his hand.

"Of course." I grinned. "I'd never give up an opportunity to show off, you know that."

Gabumon chuckled as I plucked the instrument from his hands. It had been ages since I'd played this, but I knew I could never forget. Music was just something you could never get out of your soul. I began to play and felt my worries start to fade as those same melodies flowing through my soul emerged and began to heal me slowly.


He was just a speck on the horizon, black against the setting sun, but I could still see him and I knew he'd spotted me, despite the darkness behind me. The lake shimmered colourfully drawing my attention momentarily before I hurried towards him.

"You're a bit late," he said as greeting.

"Sorry Keru, I was with Gabumon." I knew that I looked happier than the last time he'd seen me a month ago so he just shook his head instead of berating me and opened up the portal to our world.

"My room?" I asked seeing the image on the screen before us.

"Dad's home, he let me in. You really should apologise to him, he's been worried about you."

"I know … I just … needed this."

Takeru didn't say anything just gestured to the portal. We went through, landing in a heap on my floor. I helped him stand them we moved out into my apartment.

"Dad?" I called out.

"Yamato?" he ran into the living room from the kitchen. His shoulders sagged in relief when he saw me. "I'm glad you're back."

"Yeah," I scratched at the back of my head and looked down a little in embarrassment. It was one of Taichi's habits I'd picked up unconsciously. "I'm really sorry about leaving like that."

He smiled and shook his head. "It's no problem, you put up with me doing it so often." He sighed and gestured to the dining room. "Well, dinner's almost ready, you two can set the table."

"Sure thing," Takeru said, heading into the kitchen to grab the utensils. I followed at a slower pace, letting Takeru get out of the kitchen so I could talk with my father.

"Did Takeru tell you everything?" I asked quietly.

Dad looked at me seriously and nodded. "Yeah." He chuckled. "Sounds like you really made a mess."

I blushed. "Dad!"

"What? It's true." I didn't answer back to that. "I guess I can sympathise a bit, though running away doesn't really solve much, especially not when it concerns your closest friend."

"So I've been told many times." At least he's not overreacting about the whole 'I'm in love with Taichi' thing. Though, he is my dad, it's altogether possible he already knew about my crush – parents have annoying habits of knowing these things. I moved over to the stove, stirring at the sauce simmering in the saucepan and taking a quick taste. I wrinkled my nose and added in some more salt and a few extra pinches of spices. "Taichi's really pissed this time … or really scared. Probably both."

"Yamato." Dad placed his hand on my shoulder. "Don't get too upset about this, you do have a tendency to go overboard when it comes to your emotions."

"I can't really help that," I protested, checking on everything else Dad was just about finished cooking.

"I know, but you should realise that if things don't turn out how you hope then there are still many other things that have turned out the way you want. Don't focus too much on one negative incident. You don't know what Taichi's feeling."

"No, and that's what hurts the most." I sighed and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I hate fighting with him and I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him, everything would be so much better, he'd still be talking to me and I wouldn't be so depressed." I winced. "Jeez, I sound like a lovesick girl."

"That's a pretty accurate description," I heard my father mutter fondly.

"Hey!" I grabbed a spoon and whacked him lightly on the hand. "Don't tease a cook in his domain."

"But I was cooking!"

"Not any more, scoot yourself to the table, I'll be finishing up here." I shoved him unceremoniously out the door and turned my attention back to the pots on the stove, hoping that I could salvage what dad had managed to spoil. "He's never going to survive without me around," I muttered, shaking my head and getting to work.


It was as though nothing had happened, and honestly I felt like nothing had happened. Takeru and Dad were both glad for my good mood and I knew I felt a lot better. Never underestimate the power of familial bonds. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out and catching up together. I can't recall the last time all three of us were together … a few months ago maybe. It was nice, but once we all headed off to bed it was hard for me to distract myself from my thoughts any longer.

I don't think I slept all that much in the next week. Takeru was noticing, even though he left after the first night. Dad was around for two more days before he had to head off on another assignment. But Keru would come around to check on me whenever I didn't have practice or something else on. He needn't have worried so much, I was just a little tired, not suicidal or anything. Definitely not anorexic either. I love food, though you wouldn't think he realised that with the way he was shoving food down my throat everyday before I could protest that I was eating three healthy meals and a few dozen snacks on top every day. And here I thought I was supposed to be the overprotective one.

The guys in the band noticed the way I was acting as well. I hadn't told any of them what happened, but at practice they knew something was up. Not to mention the fact that I disappeared for a whole month without saying much. In my defence though, I did leave them a note. A short note. With almost nothing written on it.

Okay, so maybe they did have reason to worry.

Kir was probably the only one to suspect what had happened though. About a week after I came back he walked home with me after rehearsal, deciding to forgo his usual lift with Uri. The other guys probably understood what he was doing so they didn't say much when he grabbed me and tugged me along with him out the door and down the street. Ji was looking after our instruments before our next gig in two weeks; we'd been practicing in his garage like usual.

Kir barely waited until we were out of the house to start in on me. "You're telling me what's going on," he said firmly. I winced. I hated that tone, Kir always got his way with that tone.

"Can't you guess?" I replied instead.

"I'd rather you tell me." I looked up at him and sighed. He was worried. I hated making people worry like that.

"I kissed Tai," I mumbled.

"Seriously?" I think he was happy for me for a moment before everything clicked in his mind. "You got shot down."

"To put it nicely I suppose." I sighed and walked for a few more paces before stopping and turning to face him. "He hasn't talked with me since and I feel like I could break down at any second. He's been the one constant thing in my life for years, everything I could count on. I screwed up."

"You can't really say that," Kir protested.

"I could use different words if you'd like."

He didn't appreciate the sarcasm much. I didn't either, it wasn't quite up to my usual standard of wit. I sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Kir, it's just hard to deal with him not being around."

"Well, he's not always going to be around you know 'Mato."

I froze, a stricken expression on my face. I think Kir realised just what that statement had done to me just before I started to hyperventilate. "Whoa, Yamato, calm down, I didn't mean it quite like that." He braced his hands on my shoulders. "I just meant that the two of you are going to have to be in different places at some point in your lives. You have to learn to deal with that."

I swallowed and forced myself to calm down. It took a minute, but I could finally look him in the eye again. "I have been learning to do that, but it's a lot harder for me than everyone else seems to think."

Kir stared at me wide-eyed for a long while. "You have some major issues 'Mato."

I snorted. "Tell me something I don't know. I've been fucked up since I could remember." We started walking again in silence. I didn't take much notice of the scenery – or lack thereof – I was more concentrated on watching Kir think things through. I was pretty glad to have him around.

We got to my apartment before the silence broke. Kir cleared his throat in that way he always did before saying something important. I turned and watched him struggle with what he wanted to say for a minute before sighing, "What?"

Kir looked away. Bad sign. Kir likes using eye contact when talking, especially about serious issues. "Hypothetically," he began quietly, "If Taichi were to come back and … not want to be with you, what would happen?"

"Be with me how?"

"Uh, in any way. Worst case scenario type thing." He was mumbling towards the end and I knew he felt bad asking, but I could understand why he did. Like I mentioned a few times, my emotional roller coasters are not always that fun to be on for anyone.

I watched him fidget for a moment. I think I was starting to freak him out by being so calm, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to deal with emotional stress right now. That could all wait for later. So I concentrated on his question in as much of an objective way I could.

"Denial," I answered finally, my voice firm. "Then probably bargaining, anger, grief and acceptance. Probably in that order too – though I wasn't really planning on the last stage happening."

"Acceptance?" Kir looked really worried right now, but I didn't want to lie to him about this.

"Yeah. I'd scheduled in a total mental breakdown after grief." I smiled, though I knew it only made my words even more morbid. "But even I have doubts about the worst case scenario happening."

He blinked at the sudden shift away from the negative. "Really?"

I shrugged. "I can get depressed really easily and I get paranoid about a lot of things, but there's a reason why I trust Taichi with my life – I know he won't betray that trust. He will never completely leave me."

"And if he does?"

I glared at Kir. "He won't. I'm not an optimist Kir, you should know that, but I know when I'm right about things like this. I can't afford to be uncertain." I looked away as I murmured the last sentence. I didn't have doubts, but Kir had to know why I felt so strongly about this.

Kir sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "You really have that much faith in Taichi?"

"He's never let me down before and he never will."

Kir nodded. "All right. Just … call if you need anything Yamato."

"Thanks Kir." I squeezed his shoulder and turned to head into my apartment building, watching from the foyer as he walked out of sight. I let out a ragged breath and leaned hard against the elevator door, waiting for it to reach the ground.

Once I was finally inside my apartment I checked the answering machine and turned on the computer to check my emails, then – just to be sure – I checked my mobile phone and D-Terminal.

There were still no messages.

I've had a lot of this chapter done already, I just hadn't had time to finish it off, so that sort of explains the change in tone.

I can't promise much about my updating schedule, only that I'll try to have the next chapter up as soon as is possible for me. It will be the last chapter before a small epilogue (this was never meant to be a long story and it's already at 20,000 or so words – I'm surprised I got that far)

Hope you guys liked this chapter (despite the lack of Taichi)

Laters.