Chapter XIII : Of Farewells and Reflections
Unpacking the last boxes that lay scattered around our new residence in Los Angeles, California I come across a most interesting object; a cute notebook with the words my diary in front. Reading briefly the first pages I can not help myself but smile and giggle at my childish antics.
Judging from the date of the last entry, it's been almost six years since I made one. After a minute or so spent on finding a pen, I lay down on the plush Persian rug in the center of the living room. Elbows supporting my upper body weight, chin resting on the back of my left hand while fingers play with said pen in the other. Looking skywards as if in search of heavenly enlightment I begin to write in flowing cursive in a not so foreign language.
"Hello Journal,
It is so good to see you after these long years. As I said, I laughed my head off after reading some silly entries. However, I also must acknowledge that my heart warmed with innocent love and wrenched with self-imposed anguish. I do not wish to say that I am a wise person, I could not dare to aim so high; but I can say that I am more mature now. It is a wonder what a couple of years can do to you.
As I look at the empty space around me, I realize how much I miss him. Even though it has been five years since he died in that horrible accident. I can never forget that night when mother knocked anxiously on my bedroom door to inform me, between sobs, that a plane crash had occurred and it was his flight. The news reporter said that two-hundred and ten people died oblivious to what was happening. There were no survivors.
He was returning home after a delightful vacation. I was living again in Tomoeda since I could not dare to leave mom alone. He understood and we kept in touch by all the means possible. We visited each other often and our love grew strong. However, I could not help but feel blue some days and I often lulled myself to sleep with the merry twinkle of the plum-blossom shaped diamond sitting proudly in between a canopy of sapphires that hugged comfortingly my ring finger. Yes, it was my engagement ring.
I still keep it, and have not taken it off even if he is physically not with me anymore. I felt so utterly devastated back then. I know that mother also mourned over him dearly. I was set in a deep phase of denial and would not come to terms with the awful truth. It took lots of motherly and sisterly love to bring me out of that. I can not thank them enough for all the patience bestowed upon me. I owe them my life and I live for them. I learned how to remember him and how to feel him. Sakura often said that even if he was no longer in the land of the living, his presence was still detectable. Always near me.
After I paid enough attention to other things rather than my sorrow, I felt him and it was wonderful. His warm love was draped all over me like a protective blanket. It felt exactly the same as when he hugged me close so lovingly. His undying love fed my starving soul until I could find comfort in other, but equally pure, things. I was worried about his soul not being able to rest in peace because of my unspoken selfish demands. Syaoran said that it was alright, that he would leave when he felt that it was necessary.
What became of Eriol's guardians? Well, Spinel is upstairs somewhere, maybe reading one of those thick novels he loves so much. It was a shocker for dear him, who had decided to stay with me for the season. He advised his master that something as off, but he paid no heed. Nakuru did board the flight with her master, and even though she could have survived (because of her magical nature, as Spinel explained time later to me) she just evaporated. Her very life essence being taken away with Eriol's death. As is the case of Moon Guardians, who can't stand alone without their master's life support. Yue is an exception, though, because Touya gave him his powers so Yukito wouldn't dissapear due to Sakura's lack of strenght at the moment.
Four months after that I could not feel dear Eriol as close as before and I acknowledged that it was time for him to go. I could finally stand on my own. However, when I am in dear need of assistance or comfort, I can feel him again with me, filling me with courage to keep on. I do not think that I can love anybody else as I love him. Have you noticed the lack of a past tense? That is because I love him still, and forever will. It does not make me ashamed to admit that I love a dead man, all the contrary, it makes me proud for he was a most admirable man."
The muffled sound of little feet clad in socks padding down the corridor and closer to me jerks my head out of the book. The pen being cast aside.
"Mommy? What are you doing down there?" Asks a chibi image of my beloved, furrowing his small forehead in clear confusion.
"Nothing sweetie. I was unpacking some stuff when I found the diary that I kept when I was younger and decided to write a bye-bye note to it." I explained to the little four and a half year old boy that now joined me on the floor. His small legs crossed in front of him in an exact replica of an indian-style.
"Can Eriol-chan read it? Pretty please?" He asked with his big, innocent eyes trained on mine in a flawless display of a puppy-eyed look. It breaks my heart to tell him no but I had to. He won't conquer me this time.
"I am afraid not honey, not yet. And what have I told you about not speaking in a third-person basis?" I chided him gently, trying to distract him from his main interest; namely: the diary.
"Aw, gomen! Why can't I see it?" He said in his most innocent voice. I smile softly. He is the carbon copy of his father.
"Because, darling, you are still young to read these kind of things. I promise to let you have a glimpse of it when you are older, okay?" I use my most coaxing voice to make him drop the subject. He looks at the discarded book with genuine interest and then those azure eyes lift up to stare into mine. He smiles brightly and I wonder at the use of electricity when he can light up my path like this.
"Promise?" Holding up his little, pinky finger.
"Pinky promise," locking his raised finger with my much larger one, "now, what about I take you to the ice cream parlor after I'm finished here? In the mean time, you can go play with Spinel and ask him to show you new tricks." Smiling down at him as if we were planning out a conspiracy of sorts.
"Hai! You're the best mommy in the whole," his tongue got slightly tied up at this, "wide world!" He finished with childish candor. Giving his mommy a chaste kiss on the forehead, he left bouncing up the corridor until I could hear him no more.
Did you notice both use of English and Japanese by my son? Well, that's because I intend to raise him as bilingual as possible. I want him to master both his mother's and father's tongue and think that it would be good to start at a tender age. After all, children do learn faster than grown-ups.
"Now that I remember, and thinking about it; I began to lose the feeling of Eriol's presence when I started to have fainting fits and nausea all over again. Mom was worried sick because of my mild case of ulcer that might have gotten worse because of my mournful state. But oh surprise, surprise when the doctor broke down the news to both of us: I was pregnant.
I was taken aback, seriously. I never thought that this could happen to us. Mom was shocked beyond words, that I could tell. But she did not judge me or rather us; instead she said that it was time for us to do some serious shopping. I am, again, thankful of mom's mindful tactics. She loved him just as much as I do but in a whole different perspective, more so of that of a mother's.
Sakura, Syaoran and dear Spinel were also of great help during those times. Whoever said never mess with a pregnant woman was damn right. I can say that I do not regret leaving behind that horrible roller-coaster of emotions that I went through during the middle to last term of pregnancy. I never believed that I could cry so much in my life and the feeling of helplessness is a no-thank-you for me.
The place of birth: one of the most renowned private hospitals in Tokyo (nothing less for my baby, mother said) and the date of birth: March 13th of 2008, which makes him a Pisces. I remember that I couldn't sleep that night, on the twelfth of March, and thus decided to go down for a glass of warm milk. Making all the way up to my room, I stopped in front of the unborn baby's room and got inside. Sitting down in the rocking-chair I drank half of the milk before intense pain shot through the lower part of my belly. I took quick breathes to decrease the pain but then the instructions of my lessons kicked in my brain and I steadied myself with deep breathing and mind concentration on everything but the pain.
I managed to walk across the hall, get in my room and the bathroom before I broke the fountain and a heavy amount of water spilled out from within me making a mess on the white floor, light lavender night-clothes and fluffy slippers. After I thought that no more water could ever be relieved, I give a try for my mother's chamber while placing the right hand on my slightly swollen belly (you could not tell that I was nine months pregnant) and the left one held on the walls for dear life.
The next moments passed on like a blur and I only seem to remember the excruciating pain of labor and the overwhelming joy of hearing the first cries of our son. The nurse showed it to me but I was so exhausted that I only managed to smile and faint right after she spun around to bring him to the pediatricians. I woke up two hours later in a private room surrounded with flowers and it's a boy! balloons clearly from my mother and the Li family since they were spending some days in Tokyo because of business.
I decided to give him his father's name because it seemed right to me. It was a way of letting my beloved to pass on his legacy as a father. Besides, it suits him most perfectly since, as I said before, our dear boy looks like how Eriol must had looked like as a baby. He has the midnight hair but with some purplish highlights obviously inherited from me. Fair skin that we both are proud to have. His slim complexion (since mother said that I was the chubby-type) and most importantly, his gorgeous eyes. Even if our son is still a child, a very young one at that, he has the wisdom of my dearly beloved. Do not look at him anywhere but in the eyes and you will come to see a much more aged person.
Currently I do many things for a living. I take pride on saying that I fence on my own incomes to acquire everything I own now. When I found out that I was pregnant. I spoke to mom about this and she approved of my methods, even if a bit unwillingly at first. So afraid of my safety she was back then, and still is. I studied Fashion Design at the Institute of Technology in Fashion Design there in Tokyo. I really had lots of fun! It took me three years to graduate with the biggest of honors and I began to build the first stages of my very own clothing company that is now a rather big success in all of Japan.
One day, I went out with my childhood friends to a recently-opened karaoke bar. It happened that a couple of talent-seekers found me there and asked me for an interview at Sony. So flabbergasted I was that Sakura assured them that I would be there and actually took the presentation card and placed it inside my bag. The next day, she dragged me out of pleasant dreams and much needed sleep, ushered me inside the shower, commanded me to dress up and drove me to the meeting at the Sony Corp. Music building.
I went through a clear explanation of my condition at the moment and a small bio. I remember how nervous I was seated in the middle of executives even if I, myself, could be considered one of them; in a whole different field that is. They told me that there were no problems and that everything would be planned to run smoothly but steadily. After a phone call to mom, I signed the papers with a wide grin and that's how my name was recognized by music critics and general fandom.
It also happens that, as you know, many of those who are in the media are asked to try different disciplines; mainly movies. Being it for merchandising or publicity benefits, or whatever other reasons; I was also asked. That is what I am doing here. I moved to Los Angeles because of a film to be done due next year. I thought that it'd be emotionally unstable for both me and my child to be, either flying back and forth, or me leaving and he staying. I bought this house because I fell in love with it and it will provide a warm home to my small family."
I hear the polyphonic sound of my mobile phone and getting up from my previous position on the plush carpet while taking both diary and pen with me, I go in search of the device. Looking at the caller ID and flipping it open I receive the call with genuine happiness.
"Hello darling! How are you?" I ask in my acquired, over the years, British accent.
"Greetings from London my dear. Everything is fine, what about you? How's Eriol?" Asked dear William with his enchanting, aristocratic voice.
"So it is here! We are both fine, preparing ourselves for delicious scoops of vanilla and almonds ice cream!" I exclaim rather childishly and giggle at his hearty laugh.
"I see you have not changed a bit. That's good to know," he makes a pause after his voice puts on a sad tone, "listen, we'll be visiting America for a week and thought that maybe I could drop by?" He asked enthusiastically.
"Why of course William, dear! Besides, I can not say no to a prince, now, can I?" Giggling merrily at our old antics, "just make sure to tell me exactly when are you arriving okay? So I can cook the sushi you love so much!" Smiling at his fondness of Asian cuisine after he tasted Daidouji's home made sushi.
"I can't wait! I'll call you back in a couple of days okay? Now I must go, Harry is calling for me like mad." He said hurriedly.
"No problem! Bye!" I said and after his farewells, the call ended.
Looking down at the floor and feeling my pained elbows I decided that it was safer to continue my entry on the coffee table.
"I just got a call from dear Will. The boy sure is a valuable jewel, not for his social status but for who he is. I know for sure that his mother, Diane, must be very proud of his little boy, now all a grown up. I remember that during one of my visits to London after Eriol's death, for matters concerning his heirloom, I was invited by him to a well-known restaurant. I was restless that night because I felt that something was different in him. Sometimes I hate this sixth-sense of mine, so keen, so accurate specially in those times when I rather drown myself in oblivion.
He proposed. To let him down was one of the most heart wrenching moments I've gone through so far. I simply could not take all that he so kindly offered to me. It might sound corny, but he literally meant both the sky and stars. He wanted me to marry him, even after I told him about my pregnancy. He didn't turn his back on me and I appreciate it as one of my most valuable gifts. It's also good and lifting to know that somebody cares for you to that point in that way. No matter how good, tempting or nice it sounded, I could not get myself to accept it. First, because I am still very much in love with Eriol and it would not be fair to William; and second, because to marry a pregnant woman is not something that the royalty and vassals would take very nicely. They didn't deserve that. I won't say that I'm not enough for him because I do not think that someone can not be worthy or good enough for someone; but those were not the best of the circumstances.
He understood. I could not have expected less of him. We are now in a best-friend basis.
I think that I already filled you in, dear journal, with everything that happened on the last six years. I don not think that I will be writing more in these pages. I thank you for all your patience, silent comfort and encouragement. I promise to come back to you if the need arises.
Truly yours,
Daidouji Tomoyo."
Taking a last glimpse at the three and a half pages of neat manuscript, I close the book and make my way upstairs to change my clothes and prepare to go out for a while as promised. Climbing up the broad stairs I can hear Eriol's mirth and Spinel's chat. He is so good at baby-sitting! I do not know what would have become of me without dear ol' Spinel Sun.
Placing the diary under a neat pile of night clothing in my pajamas' drawer I sigh contentedly to then walk in into the huge closet. Picking up black, low-cut Capri jeans; a spotless, white spaghetti-strapped tank-top and white, stylish flip-flops I undress to then dress up again. Walking out I grab a black, thin, rubber band and tie up my hair in a high ponytail that comes in handy when dealing with children with a fetish for mommy's hair.
Taking a small bag in the style of a back-pack with all the essentials in it, and after placing on one of the Diesel shades I make my way towards my son's playground.
"Hello there! Are you ready to go?" I ask cheerfully and notice that he had already put on his shoes, with Spinel's help undoubtedly. "Coming with us Spinel?"
"Yes! We're going!" Exclaimed Eriol getting up on his small legs.
"Ara, ara Eriol-chan, what did I told you about not speaking for others?" I scolded him gently lifting him up in my arms and placing them in a way for him to sit comfortably on.
"I'm sorry, I forgot. Are you coming with us?" Looking down at the Sun Guardian who is currently in his true form.
"Yes, I am definitely coming!" He said jovially. Hanging around children takes its toll on you. He metamorphosed back into his smaller form and flew to perch himself on my left shoulder.
"Then, ice cream parlor, here we go!" I said feeling like a kid and bouncing down the hall and flight of stairs, lounge and everything until we were situated in the garage. Pressing the alarm button of the BMW 5 Series and after the doors were unlocked, I placed Eriol safely in the baby-seat on the leather back seat with Spinel close by. Getting in myself I revived the engine and turned on the radio.
Sitting in one of the many tables there were in the ice-cream parlor, with tree scoops of vanilla and almonds creamy delicacy (except for Spinel, that is) I reflect on my life. All in all I think that God has treated me kindly taking into account all the worse things that could have happened to me. It is true that my dearly beloved is not with me, but what if he somehow reincarnated in our child? That's a possibility for all I know. I don't know if I'll get myself to love any other man enough as to build a family together; though I highly doubt so. However, those thoughts do not worry me or make me sad. Right now, I could not care less, in all truthfulness.
All I want is to be the best mother ever and to be myself. Make all my loved ones happy will come naturally on the way.
Owari
