Chapter 2: Here We Go Again, Again
Newkirk stared at the chapter title. "Now that's a bloody stupid title!" he exclaimed.
"What do you expect from this author?" LeBeau asked. "You know things never make any sense."
Trying to gain control of the situation, Hogan spoke up. "Kinch," he said. "Since you obviously know what's going to happen next, can you tell us if it will make any sense whatsoever in the near future?"
"Yes," Kinch replied.
"Good, that's something, I guess," Hogan responded.
"Colonel, I think you misunderstood me," Kinch replied. "I meant that, yes, I can tell you whether it will make sense in the near future."
"I didn't like the sound of that," LeBeau said.
"It sounded pretty evasive to me, too," Newkirk agreed.
"Well," Hogan prompted.
Kinch looked around at all the men and took a deep breath. "I'm afraid we'll have a few more chapters of this," he said.
A collective groan escaped from the men in the barracks.
"Tell me at least the pace will be picking up," Hogan moaned. "Will we ever find out why the electricity is off?"
"Yes," Kinch replied, staring at the door. When nothing happened, he repeated Hogan's words loudly, "WILL WE EVER FIND OUT WHY THE ELECTRICITY IS OUT?" Kinch kept staring at the door, as if he were waiting for something. Finally, he walked over to the door and opened it, startling Colonel Klink, who was waiting outside. Kinch glared at the Kommandant before speaking. "I said, will we ever find out why the electricity is out?"
"Oh, is that my cue?" Klink asked, stepping into the barracks. He walked up to Hogan and said, "Hogan, what do you know about the electricity being out?"
"What are you asking me for?" Hogan exclaimed.
"Because it smells like monkey business," Klink replied. "And where there's monkey business, you are usually behind it."
"I resent that, Kommandant," Hogan said. "You make it sound like all I do around here is cause trouble."
Klink stared at Hogan silently.
"Maybe I should rephrase that," Hogan added when he realized the truth in his statement. "How could I be behind the power outage?" he asked.
"I don't know how," Klink replied. "But if there is a way, I am sure that you would find it."
Hogan put a hurt look on his face and looked around the room at his men. "He doesn't believe we didn't have anything to do with it," he said. A sudden thought dawned on him. "We didn't have anything to do with this, did we?"
"Not this week, Colonel," LeBeau answered. "It's been a few weeks since we've destroyed the Hammelburg power plant." LeBeau quickly put his hands over his mouth at the realization that he said something that Klink shouldn't hear.
Hogan quickly stepped in. "What he meant to say, Kommandant …" he began.
Klink threw his hands in the air as if fending off an unseen attack.
Hogan turned to Kinch. "Isn't that a pretty strong statement?" he asked. "I mean, he didn't look like he was fending off an attack to me. It liked more like he was simply trying to stop me from talking."
Kinch just shrugged.
Klink cleared his throat. "Can we get back to the action?" he asked.
"That would imply that we had been in the middle of some action," Newkirk whispered to LeBeau.
LeBeau nodded. "Oui, it's been pretty boring so far," he responded.
"As I was about to say," Klink said loudly, glaring at the two whispering prisoners. "Please, Colonel Hogan. I wish to know nothing, noooothing!"
Everyone stared at Klink. Finally Vladimir asked, "Kommandant, why are you talking like Sergeant Schultz?"
Klink turned around at the sound of Vladimir's voice. "Oh, I didn't expect you to be in this story too," he commented.
"The story of my life," Vladimir retorted.
"To answer your question, all I can say is that I just say what I am told to say," Klink replied.
"I think I can clear this one up," Kinch interrupted. "Schultz was supposed to be the one to say those lines. But since one of the plot points involving the Kommandant is about to come to a conclusion …"
"You mean we're almost through with this travesty of a story?" Hogan asked hopefully.
Kinch shook his head. "No, I said one of the plot points, not the whole story," he replied. Before Hogan could express his disappointment, Kinch continued, "And Schultz is going to be needed elsewhere soon, so Colonel Klink here was given the lines."
"When will we get back to Carter and the eggs?" LeBeau asked.
"Next chapter," Kinch replied.
"Is this chapter about over?" Newkirk asked.
"No," Kinch replied. "In fact, the more you two keep interrupting, the longer it will be."
"Can I get back to the electricity?" Klink asked.
"I think you'd better," Kinch answered.
"Good," a satisfied Klink said. "Now Hogan, what about the electricity?"
"Kommandant, at the risk of sounding like Schultz, I know nothing about it," Hogan said. "In fact, I had figured that you just forgot to pay the electric bill."
Klink looked surprised. "Forgot to pay the electric bill?" he challenged. "Colonel Hogan, I may come across as a bumbling fool …"
"And a darn good one, too," Baker chimed in from the doorway.
Klink looked over at the source of the interruption. "Danke," he said. "I may come across that way, but when it comes to running this Stalag, I know what I am doing!"
"Are you sure?" Hogan teased.
"Of course I am sure!" Klink exclaimed.
Everyone was silent, not knowing how to proceed. One by one, everyone looked at Kinch.
"Um, Colonel Klink. Now is when you are supposed to reach into your pocket," Kinch instructed.
"Kinch, you act like you are a Hollywood director or something," LeBeau observed. "Are you sure you aren't trying to ready yourself for a directing career after you are finished here?"
"I just hope I'm not bored to death by this lame story and will still be around for a career after this!" Newkirk muttered. "Of course, with my luck, I'll probably get stuck hosting a game show."
"Actually, Louis, if I were to direct something, I'd prefer it to be in a nice warm sunny locale, like Hawaii, rather than this dreary prison camp," Kinch replied.
"I resent that remark," Klink retorted. "This is a nice, well built prison camp. See?" He proceeded to knock on the side of the barrel stove in the middle of the barracks and watched in horror as the stove pipe crumbled to pieces, spreading soot all over the occupants of the room.
"Thanks, Kommandant, the one thing this story was lacking was a good minstrel scene," Hogan muttered. "And before anyone gets any bright ideas, I'd better not see any one of you try to do an Al Joleson impression!"
"If we did, you wouldn't see it anyway," Newkirk replied. "The electricity is still out and the air is filled with soot."
"Good point," Hogan replied. "Speaking of electricity – Colonel, I still say that you forgot to pay the electric bill."
"I did not!" Klink exclaimed.
Kinch cleared his throat.
"Oh yes, I was supposed to reach into my pocket now," Klink commented. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. "What's this?" he asked, holding the envelope close to his eyes to try to read in the dim light of the barracks. "Hammelburg Electric Company," he read. "Oh, I guess I did forget to pay the electric bill."
Suddenly the lights in the barracks came on. Everyone looked around, blinking rapidly while their eyes grew accustomed to the bright light.
"That's it?" LeBeau asked. "All this for that lame little joke?"
"I guess so," Hogan replied.
"Colonel, how much more of this do we have to endure?" Newkirk asked with a pained expression.
"Don't ask me, Kinch is the one who knows what's going to happen," Hogan responded.
"I think I need to talk to my agent," Newkirk muttered. "They're not paying me enough to put up with this kind of story."
"If it's any consolation, Peter, it's time for a refreshment break," Kinch prompted.
"Refreshments?" LeBeau asked. "As in food? Does this mean that we'll find out why Carter took the eggs?"
Kinch was busy staring at the door and didn't hear LeBeau's response. "I said, it's time for a refreshment break!" he said loudly.
At that moment, the barracks door crashed open and Schultz entered the room. Everyone stared at the sergeant.
"Um, Schultz, What are you wearing?" Klink asked. "You look like a giant pitcher of red liquid."
"I'm not Schultz," Schultz replied. "I'm Kool Aid. I'm here to show you how you can take some water, artificial food coloring and flavors and a large amount of sugar and feed it to your kids instead of giving them cans of carbonated water, artificial food coloring and flavors and a large amount of sugar."
"You make it seem so appealing, Schultz," Hogan said sarcastically. "You're really selling the audience on that stuff."
"I know nothing," Schultz replied. "I'm just happy I don't have to be seen wearing this speedo."
"You mean this idiot writer has put you in the speedo again?" Newkirk asked.
"At least he has the decency to hide it this time," LeBeau observed.
"Ja, that's something," Schultz agreed. "Now, you're all supposed to have a glass of Kool Aid and say how refreshing it is on a nice hot summer day."
"Oh, now that's just bloody brilliant!" Newkirk exclaimed. "We're in a prison camp in the middle of Germany, on a show where it seems that it is always winter, and we get a sponsor that makes refreshments meant for a hot summer day!"
"I'd rather have a sponsor that makes hot cocoa," LeBeau suggested.
"Right," Newkirk agreed. "I'd much rather have that Swiss Miss visiting us in the barracks than 'Speedo the Kid' here."
"Fellas, I think we ought to count our blessings," Hogan broke in.
"What?" Newkirk exclaimed. "Are you daft … sir?"
"Look at it this way, here we are in this long, boring, seemingly pointless story," Hogan explained.
"My, we are certainly blessed," Klink said sarcastically.
"Think back to the other stories," Hogan prompted. He began ticking off items with his fingers. "We haven't had any sound effects. We haven't had 'you know who' show up singing opera arias."
"You mean General …" LeBeau began.
"LeBeau!" Hogan snapped. "Let's not tempt fate by mentioning any names!"
"Oh, right," LeBeau replied. "Sorry."
Hogan continued ticking off items. "We haven't had any characters from other sitcoms appearing. And so far, we haven't had Carter pulling any of his usual stunts."
"That's because Carter has disappeared with all of our eggs," Vladimir observed.
"Okay, we've had one stunt," Hogan admitted. "I'd say we've gotten off pretty good so far."
"That's more than I can say for the readers," Baker commented.
Kinch cleared his throat. "I might add that until we actually drink the refreshingly cool beverage that is sponsoring this story, we'll be stuck in this chapter," he said.
Everyone scrambled over to where Schultz was standing.
"Where are the glasses, Schultz?" Hogan asked.
"Louder, Colonel," Kinch prompted. "We seem to have to cue the action more than once in this story."
"Where are the glasses, Schultz?" Hogan asked again, loudly this time.
Suddenly they heard a scuffle outside of the barracks door. They all looked at each other and wondered what the commotion was. After a few thumps against the side of the wall, it became quiet. After a moment, the door opened and a disheveled Helga entered carrying a tray of empty glasses.
As the men began taking glasses from the tray, Hogan walked over to the doorway and looked outside. He was surprised to see Hilda sitting in the rainwater barrel against the barracks wall. Her knees were crammed into her chest as he legs dangled over the side of the barrel.
Hogan looked away quickly while trying to stifle a laugh. When he looked back, he saw that Hilda was staring at him with a pleading look in her eyes. "Why Hilda, it seems that this story has you over a barrel," he said.
A loud groan emerged from inside the barracks and Hogan turned back into the doorway. "Hey, I don't write this drivel!" he exclaimed.
"Colonel, darling, could you please help me out of here?" Hilda pleaded.
Hogan turned to look at the blonde with her legs dangling. "I can't right now," he responded. "Have to get back in there for the end of this chapter. I'll be back though – don't go away."
Another groan emerged from the barracks.
"Colonel, would you please get in here before we have to endure another one of those terrible attempts at humor," Klink ordered.
"Coming!" Hogan answered. He smiled at Hilda and entered the barracks. As he took the last glass from the tray, he saw that no one had filled his glass. "Come on fellas, let's get drinking so we can get on with this story." He looked around. "Um, Schultz, where do we get this stuff from? You aren't carrying a pitcher."
"Colonel Hogan, I am a pitcher!" Schultz exclaimed. "There's a spigot on the costume."
Hogan stared at the costume and realized why nobody had filled his glass. "Schultz, are you sure that spigot is supposed to be in the front of your costume?"
"No, it's supposed to be on the side," Schultz replied. "But if I put the costume on that way, this stupid handle would get caught in the doorway." The sergeant looked at everyone. "Why, what's the problem?"
Newkirk and LeBeau began a pantomime to show Schultz what it would look like if they were to fill their glasses from his costume. Everyone began laughing at the spectacle.
Hogan stepped over to Schultz and said, "Why not, we've got to end this chapter sometime." He bent over and placing his glass under the spigot, he pressed the button to fill his glass. The room grew suddenly quiet as everyone watched the green liquid fill the glass.
"Um, Schultz, what flavor is this?" Hogan asked.
"They told me it was lemon-lime," Schultz replied.
"Good grief!" Hogan exclaimed.
