Chapter 3: Is there a point here?

Hogan sat beside Kinch on the bench outside the barracks. "Kinch, am I going to end each chapter by saying good grief?" Hogan asked.

Kinch shrugged.

"I could order you to tell me," Hogan commented.

"You could," Kinch agreed. "But take my word for it, you wouldn't like what would happen next."

"How bad could it be?" Hogan wondered aloud. "After all, this story is bad enough."

"Trust me, Colonel," Kinch assured him. "We're better off."

At that moment, they saw a staff car enter the camp through the main gate. The car pulled up outside of the Kommandant's office and Hochstetter emerged form the back seat holding what looked like a large envelope in his hand. Looking around, the Major spotted Hogan and began walking in his direction.

"Kinch, am I hallucinating again, or is Hochstetter skipping a little?" Hogan asked incredulously.

"He does look to be a little light on his feet this morning, Colonel," Kinch agreed.

"This can't be a good sign," Hogan said warily.

As the Major drew near the prisoners, they heard him singing softly to himself. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, Russian Front. Send him to the Russian Front. Hochstetter stopped singing when he stopped in front of Hogan.

"Colonel Hogan, I have something for you," Hochstetter said, holding out the envelope he was carrying.

"What's that?" Hogan said, declining to take the envelope – or the bait.

"With this explosion of fan fiction talking about the incredible exploits of Hogan's Heroes, I decided to write my own story," Hochstetter said. "It's a little more realistic."

"How so?" Hogan asked.

"I get to beat you up," Hochstetter said, smiling broadly.

"Oh, wonderful," Hogan muttered. "I can't wait."

"Neither can I," Hochstetter said. "So let's go."

"Now hold on a minute, Major," Hogan protested.

"You're not going to spout some drivel about the Geneva Convention, are you?" Hochstetter asked impatiently.

"Spout some drivel?" Klink asked. "When did you start talking that that, Major?"

Everyone turned to look at Klink - everyone but Kinch had a surprised look on his face. "Where did you come from, Kommandant?" Hogan asked. "You weren't there a moment ago."

Klink smiled. "There are some instances where it is nice to be in one of these stories," he replied. "I didn't have to waste time walking across the compound."

"Enough about you, Klink," Hochstetter interjected. "I'm taking Colonel Hogan away so that we can do my story." Hochstetter waved the envelope in Klink's face.

"If you think you're going to beat him up, I think you're mistaken," Klink said.

Hochstetter's eyes narrowed. "How did you know I planned to beat him up?" he asked.

Klink pointed at the words that were slowly scrolling up the side of the barracks. "I read what had happened before I arrived here," he said. "And before you try to publish that story where you beat Hogan to a pulp …"

"To a pulp?" Hogan gasped. "Why is it always me that gets beaten to a pulp?"

"Exactly," Klink said. "Before you publish that story, Major, I think you need to get permission first. There are other authors who have the consignment on having Hogan beat to a pulp in their stories."

Hogan snapped his fingers. "Yea, there's that one Aussie writer," he said. "What's her name? Groundcover or something like that."

Kinch began laughing. "Yeah, something like that," he agreed.

"Why are you laughing?" Hochstetter asked.

"I'm just thinking about how she's going to beat the idiot author of this story to a pulp once she reads it," Kinch replied.

Everyone present had a good laugh at the thought. "Yeah, kind of like when he was bludgeoned with the oboe for putting his dog in a story," Hochstetter commented. "I'd like to be around to see that."

"I think we all would," Kinch agreed. "But for now, we need to be moving on."

"By moving on, you mean skipping my story," Hochstetter said dejectedly.

"Yes," Kinch replied. "But if it's any consolation to you, Colonel Hogan will have to go back to the ravine after this story."

"The ravine again?" Hogan moaned. "Will I ever get out of that ravine for good?"

"I can't help you there, Colonel," Kinch replied. "I'm only privy to the events in this story. You'll have to go ask the author of that story if she'll ever let you out."

There was silence as the four men looked at each other, unsure what to do next.

"Um, Kinch, what now?" Hogan asked. "Don't tell me we just stay here staring at each other for the rest of the story."

"Well, actually …" Kinch began.

"You mean we do just stay here and stare at each other for the rest of the story?" Klink exclaimed.

"I don't," Kinch replied. "I get to take Baker and Vladimir to where Carter is so we can find out about the eggs."

"There's something suspiciously absent from your last line," Hogan said, looking over at the text on the wall. "You forgot to read the last sentence – the one that says that the three of us have to stay here and stare at each other while you are gone."

"I was kind of hoping to avoid saying that, Colonel," Kinch said.

"And you were successful," Klink observed. "You made Colonel Hogan say it instead."

Kinch smiled. "Right, and on that note, I think it's time I am off," he replied.

"I think this whole story is off," Hochstetter quipped.

"Kommandant, Major, what do you say we take off while Kinch is gone?" Hogan asked. "Let's try to find that author, what's her name – Groundcover, and see if she has any mescaline left over from her story. The hallucinations we'll get from that have to be much better than living through the hell of this story!"

Klink and Hochstetter both shook their heads in agreement, and the three men began to walk across the compound.

Kinch got up and walked into the barracks. "Sam, Baker, it's time to go look for Carter," he said, and left the barracks to wait.

When he got there, he saw Hogan and Klink sitting on the bench outside of the barracks. He looked back and saw that Newkirk and LeBeau had come out and were standing beside him. Looking around, he saw that Vladimir and Baker had decided to take up residence on a bench on the other side of the door. "What's going on here?" he asked Hogan. "I thought you were going to try to find that author."

"Change of plans," Hogan said. "We'd rather sit here."

"Where did Hochstetter go?" Kinch asked.

"Change of plans," Klink replied. "He decided to go back to Hammelburg to try to find someone to beat up."

Kinch shook his head. "This isn't how it's supposed to go," he muttered. He looked over at Baker and Vladimir. "Aren't you two going with me to see Carter?" he asked.

"Change of plans," Baker replied. "We'd rather sit here and sing our song about being left out."

"So I suppose I am stuck with you two," Kinch said to Newkirk and LeBeau.

"Change of plans," LeBeau responded. "We'll take care of Carter, you've done enough already."

"What is going on here?" a frustrated Kinch asked. "I feel like I am in a television commercial for computer technology!"

At that moment, Corporal Langenscheidt walked by the barracks. He stopped beside Kinch and brought a small device up to his ear. "Can you hear me now, Schultz?" he asked, speaking into the device. The Corporal listened for a second and then added, "Good!" before walking away.

Kinch rubbed his temples. "Something is wrong here," he muttered. He looked over at the text on the wall and noticed many red lines had been drawn through it, and new text had been scrawled in its place. "All right, who's been messing with the script?" He glanced over at Newkirk, who was busy trying to stuff a red marker into his uniform pocket.

Newkirk smiled at Kinch. "Change of plans, mate," he said glibly. "Can't let you have an easy ride this story."

"I see that I have to stay here with Colonel Hogan and the Kommandant," Kinch said, reading the new text on the wall.

"That's right," Newkirk replied. "You just sit there between the two Colonels and try to stay out of trouble. We'll go check on Carter."

"By the way, where is Carter?" LeBeau asked.

Kinch smiled. "He's in the henhouse," he replied.

"The what?" Hogan asked.

"The henhouse," Kinch repeated.

"When in the bloody 'ell did we get a henhouse?" Newkirk asked.

"This story," Kinch said, relieved that he was back in some control of the situation.

"Colonel Hogan, I did not give you permission to build a henhouse!" Klink exclaimed.

"Don't worry, Kommandant," Kinch reassured the German. "It will be gone after this story. It's like the well and the brick steps to your office."

"I wondered where those things went," LeBeau commented.

"Yes, apparently the author of this story isn't the only one out there making things appear just to make them fit into their storyline," Kinch explained.

"Kinch, you are starting to sound like a mouthpiece for this author," Hogan observed.

Kinch paused, contemplating the statement. He then walked over to the wall and read what he had said. Shaking his head, he turned and walked over to the bench where Baker and Sam were sitting.

"What's wrong, Kinch?" LeBeau asked

"I quit," Kinch said as he sat down beside the other prisoners. "I will not become a stooge for this poor excuse of an author."

"Is this why Baker replaced you in the last season of the television series?" Klink asked.

Hogan stared at Klink. "Kommandant, I didn't think you noticed," he said. "You never said anything about it."

"Hogan, I'm not as dumb as you think I look," Klink said smugly.

Everyone was silent for a moment, contemplating the Kommandant's statement. Finally, LeBeau leaned over to Newkirk and whispered, "I don't think it's even possible to be that dumb."

Newkirk snorted, trying to hold back his laughter.

"I heard that, Cockroach," Klink said. "Don't you two have a cathouse to visit?"

"Henhouse, Kommandant," Hogan corrected. "That's henhouse."

"Henhouse. Cathouse. What's the difference?" Klink said dismissively.

Newkirk and LeBeau could not control their laughter as they gave a mock salute and started across the compound. "The biggest difference," Newkirk told LeBeau, "is that I have no desire to visit a henhouse!" The pair continued their laughter as they rounded the corner of the barracks and disappeared from sight.

Hogan began reading the text on the wall. After a moment, he let out a sigh of relief.

"What are you so relieved about?" Klink asked.

"It seems that I don't have to end this chapter by saying good grief," Hogan replied.

"I've got news for you, Hogan," Klink replied. "You just did."

A pained expression crossed Hogan's face. "Good grief!" he exclaimed.