One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm
And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me
This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss
And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me
As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone
I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me
What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me
In front of me is a burgundy wooden door and a gold nameplate stares me in the face.
I think Huang meant his office at the Bureau, I hope he did cause I sure as hell don't want anyone at the precinct to know about this.
The clock chimes 9:00, along with my nervous heartbeat. My sweaty palms grip the doorknob while my other hand makes a fist and knocks on the door.
"Come on in Elliot."
I push the door open and enter the office.
"Morning Doc", I shut the door and stand awkwardly awaiting his next move.
"Take a seat and we'll get started", Huang motioned to the couch or chairs and took out his notepad and a pen. Oh. Great.
Deciding I'd be as close to comfortable as I could get here I opted for the couch.
Huang looks up at me to begin, I don't know where to start though so we lapse in to silence.
The doc's imploring dark eyes gaze at my blue ones. He's trying to read my expression or maybe he's looking for somewhere to start.
"Elliot it's OK if you're not ready to talk. Knowing that you need to is a good sign in itself."
"I just... all these years, all the perps and every vic..."
My hands make fists on my knees and I feel my jaw tense to the point of pain.
"I know about Rickett. And that you two had a very pulsating encounter, for a second time."
"Rage. That's what he talked about. All of the rage. Control too. That I... I'm just like hi-im, or... or...worse", inside my trachea constricts until my mouth runs dry.
"How was your life before the seperation? How did you feel inside?"
The shrinking of my head has officially begun...
"It was good. I had a great wife and four beautiful kids. Home was my safe place, it was where I could protect myself and my family from the demons of the city. I could push the images of horror from my mind when I was with my kids... I was still angry and I still wanted to tear the sons-of-bitches apart who dared to harm a child or some woman who didn't ever ask to be violated like that."
Looking down at my palms my face grows warm.
"Then what happened? When did things begin changing?"
"I don't know really. Kathy stopped talking to me altogether and began to stay up to wait for me where we would then engage in a screaming match. She was angry that I wouldn't talk to her and that I wasn't ever home much. My own wife accused me of abandonment. Maybe that's when the madness took a chunk out of me. When Kathy packed up our once happy family and left me."
In super slow motion the tears again threaten to spill over my walls. Instead of looking at Huang I focus on gulping back the sobs and fighting the tightness of my lungs.
"Is that when you started to feel overwhelmed?" he wonders.
I bob my head.
"I was so pissed off and sad and scared when Kathy left. It made every case with a kid that much more difficult because I couldn't know if they were definitely all right cause I wasn't there makin sure."
Huang scribbles on his paper for a minute or two before looking up at me.
"Have you ever found an outlet? And I mean other than tearing your hands apart?"
Traveling to my bandaged knuckles I shake my head this time. No. I had always exerted my anger on the lowlifes.
"Maybe what you're interpreting as rage is more hurt and sadness. Could that be a proper assumption to make?"
"Sure, I guess... yea."
"I think what you need to do- first do you want advice from me?" he's cautious.
"Isn't that why I'm here?" my sarcasm is in full swing.
"You need to find an outlet, be it writing, jogging, or simply pounding a pillow before bed. Maybe get a boxing kit to really exert those bad feelings."
On Huangs desk the clock ticks onto 10:00. Wow it's been an hour already?
"Now when do you want another appointment Elliot?" he flips closed my "file" and takes out his book. I shrug, "Uh Friday, morning's good."
"Same time on Friday. Oh and Elliot before you go, know that you've got great friends who'll be there and back you whenever you need it."
"Yea, thanks doc."
Closing the door behind me I feel slightly less weighted...
FINISHED!
