Chapter 4

The lightshow had already begun by the time Remus tumbled out of the subway staircase. The crowd was slightly smaller than the one two weeks ago, the novelty of his show apparently wearing off on the locals. Remus positioned himself under a striped awning, watching the boy try to perform experimental tricks for the crowd- even the ones that majestically failed managed to entertain the crowd, but the crowd was definitely smaller, more dispersed. But despite the failed attempts at "new" magic and the thin crowd, Tollie only grinned that much harder as a tree rained half of its leaves down in a torrential windfall instead of simply turning translucent.

The teenage pulled a few easy tricks- ones that would impress the crowd, but were still elementary level magic, and quickly collected his earnings. Remus pushed his way through the dispersing spectators casually, trying to ignore lingering stiffness and the occasional spike of pain. He forced a small grin, and tried to act nonchalant once Tollie noticed him.

The teenager didn't buy the act for a minute. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Remus replied. "Trust me, I've looked a lot worse."

Tollie's eyes narrowed at the teacher. "What happened?"

"Professional risk encumbered with the job."

"You don't have a job."

"Fine, acceptable risk concerning my hobby." Remus began walking down the street, unconsciously heading to the diner.

"Don't patronize me."

"All right- let's just say that you have friends that are not about breaking a few rules to protect you. I have also been advised to stay away from you by several others."

"Who have you been talking to?"

"A couple of your cousins."

"That doesn't narrow it down, Professor Lupin."

"Nine-and-a-half year old twin girls with violet eyes."

"Abby and Aggy," Tollie sighed. "Those little twerps. I keep telling them to stop helping me. They're going to get themselves killed, but they've always been pretty ruthless."

""Yes, they have quite a punch to their curses. You would think that an ex-DADA teacher could take out two pre-Hogwarts squeakers."

"THEY did this to you?"

"Well, in my defense, one doesn't ordinarily expect a Crucio curse from pre-teens."

"Perks of having Death Eaters as parents. Dark Arts training is generally the first magic you're taught as a kid."

Remus grew quiet as they entered the diner. He waited until they were seated in a quiet part of the room, and had ordered their usual hamburgers before talking again. "I did find out that they were trying to protect you from your parents."

"Who told you that!"

"Severus Snape."

Tollie leaned forward over the table, whispering loudly. "You told Snape that you knew where I was? How could you do that? Are you insane? He's part of the Inner Circle!"

"It's okay, Tollie" Remus replied, trying to soothe the now nervous boy. "Severus- Severus is an old friend."

"Snape is nobody's friend!" Tollie yelled back. Inhibited by his outburst, he sat there for a few seconds, looking at everything but the older man. "He was one of the very first Death Eaters, Professor Lupin." He started again, his fingers rubbing granules of salt into the linoleum table top. "He's done more for Voldemort than even the Bellatrices. You have no idea what he's capable of."

"Snape was the one who found me after your cousins attacked me. He's not- he's not what you think he is; he's also not the same man he was fifteen years ago. And no, I didn't tell him where you are. In fact, he specifically asked to not be told, and he was the other person who told me to stay away from you."

"He's using you to get to me," Tollie hissed, his eyes blazing.

"That's not going to happen, Tollie. Trust me."

Tollie stood up again, grim determination emanating from him. "I have to leave London."

"Why?"

"Maybe Manchester or Liverpool. Ireland- no, I'd stick out even more there..." The teenager stood up, nearly tipping his chair over in the process

"Tollie!" The older man grabbed the boy's wrists, feeling the wand under the thin shirt, and pulled him back down into the chair. "Look at me- why do you have to go?" Tollie only looked down at the table- the normally cocky seventeen year old with all of the answers breaking down into an insecure, young boy. His eyes turned a watery blue, and the freckles faded out completely. "Tollie, you don't have to go. But I need to know why you're so scared." Remus said. Instantly, the lights started to dim slowly enough to not warrant much comment, but it left the two in near darkness in their own corner.

"Remus, everyone's got secrets- the first lesson I ever learned growing up," Tollie began, the tone of his voice rising as the level lowered. Remus watched in silence as the boy began to revert to a younger age. "Mine are just much worser than everyone else's. My entire family are pureblood- cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, me." As he talked, he uncuffed his white shirt sleeve, and turned the wrist over so that the forearm faced up. He looked down at the bit of arm that stuck out of the sleeve, then pushed it up. "I've had this since I was fifteen." The Dark Mark exposed to the teacher, he felt starkly vulnerable. "Sort of a graduation present for my parents." Tollie chuckled hoarsely. "You have to understand something- most of the Death Eaters are in their thirties and forties and fifties now. They've grown up, had families- children, pets, regular jobs throughout the Wizarding world. Regular Pureblood relations and friends doing regular Wizarding things. When Voldemort disappeared, most went underground. The few that were caught were sent away to Azkaban, but most didn't. And they all kept in touch. Family, you see- thicker than butterbeer. So they had children and waited to see when the next leader would come- there's always a new one. I'm one of the oldest children, but most are younger than me. And we were all brainwashed- we were special, 'Pureblood,' worthy of magic and whatever else they deem to make us superior to everyone else. If Voldemort returned, we were trained as his new soldiers. If someone else started a new Pureblood faction, we were ready to carry onward. There are dozens of us- cousins of mine, mostly. A regular inbred Pureblood army of children all taught that we would be ready when the time came for a new rising, and I know every single one. It's the same for every generation, I guess."

Lupin was flabbergasted. Tollie's confession flowing through him like ice. "Tollie," he finally managed. "It's not your fault." He somehow said without stammering.

"I was young and stupid- not even sixteen when I got it. A friend of mine- Justinian Corrigan- was the first to break away from our group. He came to me one night, and I immediately turned him over to his parents. It's what got me the Mark- my reward, so to speak. I was deemed 'worthy' to receive it at such a young age. A week later, I went on my first raid. And I couldn't take it. I left the group after it was over, didn't even go home that night. I just started to run and didn't stop.

"About a week later, the Blakewells tracked me down somewhere in Wales, I'm not sure where. They took me to an empty apartment, and I thought I was dead. I didn't care at that point. But then they started giving me lessons about Muggles- I'd never had classes on Muggles before. Gave me about fifty pounds, then left that night. I saw them a few times after that- traveled to their house- I was there when they got picked up. I was hiding in their secret room where their elves slept. It's funny- I'd heard rumors that they were getting deeper and deeper into the Inner Circle at the same time that they were hiding me. Sometimes I wonder if they only did it so not to be accused of helping me- sacrificing the rest of the world just to make sure I didn't starve or start doing drugs. I just don't know anymore. As to Abby and Aggy- they just think that this is a game. Nine-and-a-half year old halfwits playing games, and no matter what I tell them, they always hunt me down." He finally inhaled. "The truth is, Professor, is that I'm a coward and a monster."

"Tollie- you're not a coward or a monster."

"No," Tollie smiled, his extreme emotional state scudding about on his face. "Monsters generally don't enjoy being branded. When I got the Mark- it was the happiest day of my life. The pain- one would think that they wouldn't enjoy it. It went on forever, and then it was over, and I wanted more. Sometimes it flares up- it did earlier with the leaf trick. I don't think that I could turn down the burning again if given a chance."

"It's probably something that you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. It won't be easy, but it doesn't make you a monster."

"What would you know about it?" Tollie asked, changing from melancholy to anger.

Remus examined the boy, then got up and walked away, casually dropping ten pounds by the untouched food. Tollie, taken aback, quickly followed the man, afraid of what would happen if the older man left without saying another word. The two wandered the restaurant until Remus pushed his way into the restroom.

As soon as both were inside the room, Remus turned around and magically locked the door.

"What are you doing?" Tollie asked, his voice cracking. Remus, still silent, took off his jacket and hung it from a bent hook on the door. His tie soon followed the coat. "Remus- please" Tollie's vision greyed as the man unbuttoned his shirt, and hung it atop the other clothes.

"Exactly four people have seen me like this," Remus began softly, his voice echoing off chipped tile. Breathing in deeply, his too-thin chest began to expand under harsh florescent light. Deep, purple scars crisscrossed his ribs and belly with little puncture wounds spotting the long mauled flesh that extended below the top of his pants. "I was four when I was- attacked. It was night. I can't remember why I was outside, but I was found the next day by two joggers along a trail. I was quickly rushed to the hospital: four transfusions and 500 stitches just to keep me alive at that point. Then my parents were found and brought in before they started the rabies treatment. One of the reasons why so few people know about my condition was precisely because I'd been treated in a Muggle hospital, but it left me scarred for life. Werewolf bites generally disappear with proper treatment, but the stitches left their own mark and also kept the wounds from healing completely.

"Not even my friends ever saw the scars, even after they found out. A flash here, a bare arm there; that was enough for them. They never asked to see, and I never offered. But to answer your question, Tollie, I do know that thin between agony and ecstasy, simply because I have been your monster for over thirty years now."

The room grew quiet despite the natural acoustics until Tollie turned away from Remus, staring at an extremely interesting paper towel dispenser, waiting as the teacher redressed himself in acute privacy. "I was right, Professor Lupin, we all have secrets. Thank you."

Once the shirt, tie, and jacket were fastidiously put back on, Remus touched the boy on the shoulder to let him know that he was done. "It will be hard to live with your past, and there's a good chance that the Mark will never come off. But you can survive, and maybe even have a normal life. I can't promise you that, but it is possible as long as you have hope. Now, dry your eyes and follow me." A sudden glint came into Remus's eyes as he asked: "Do you know how to apparate?" The boy nodded, looking at the door. "Good, I want to take you someplace where you can be safe." With that, the two of them disappeared out of the still locked bathroom.