I got this up tonight for everyone who has been reviewing…which means a lot to me.
- diehardRRfan I know what you mean about the whole JnR thing, right after I finished season 9 is when I started writing this because I needed to be in an RnR mood lol.
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Rachel took one last look in the mirror, after she had changed into a pair of jeans and a white blouse. Her hair was no longer messily thrown up, but instead pulled up in some sort of twist with a few stray hairs hanging to frame her face.
'Not bad' she thought to herself. A relaxed look that should have taken her a matter of minutes took hours, after all she was taking it slow and didn't want anything to further damage her ribs again.
As she walked out of her bedroom holding onto her side slightly for comfort she saw Monica at the stove making something for dinner, hearing foot steps she turned around.
"Well someone looks like she feels better" Monica laughed.
"Ha Ha" said Rachel smugly. " Yeah whatever they gave me has been helping pretty well...I just...you know didn't want to sit around looking like a slob like I did earlier."
" Rachel, that outfit that you had on before...honey you do realize you use to go to work in that, you didn't look like a slob." Monica said wondering what Rachel was up to.
Rachel cleared her throat " Well I mean I just wanted to look...you know a little more put together, we are having company tonight for dinner...which reminds me, how do you cook all day long...come home and cook dinner, and not get sick of it."
" Do you get sick of clothes?" Monica questioned.
"Uh No!" Rachel shot back
"Well then...anyway its just Ross coming for dinner..."
"And he's just as good as anyone else, so I should look nice."
"Rachel. Its Ross...you could come out here wearing a bag, and he of all people wouldn't care." Monica said as she began putting the spaghetti she had just made into two bowls. "Its just going to be you two tonight anyway, Pete and I are going out for dinner."
"You-You mean your not going to be here tonight?" Rachel questioned stuttering. 'Come one Rach, get a hold of yourself youve been alone with him plenty of times before...no big deal' she told herself.
"Yeah Im not sure where we're going...but I think he said something Italian...or was it Mexican...oh I don't know" Monica replied trailing off
Rachel rolled her eyes "Hm. So how are things going with you two anyway?"
Monica made a face and shook her head. "I don't know, I mean I like him...but I just I don't feel that spark- that spark that just tells you this could be amazing! You know what I mean right?"
"Yes...that's how I knew Ross and I were headed somewhere good..." Rachel smiled, noticing Monica's face Rachel stopped smiling and decided it was time to refocus. "So...what are you going to do."
"Im not really sure yet" Monica said putting on her coat. " He'll be here soon though" As if on cue the buzzer at the door went off. " I guess Ill just stick with it for a while and see what happens."
Rachel nodded. As much as her own love life was a mess right now, she still felt for Monica, she really deserved someone special. She just hoped her friend would find that 'spark' soon...She wondered if Monica had still thought about Richard...and if she did...did she still feel the spark, like she did with Ross.
Just as Monica was about to open the door to go and meet Pete Rachel spoke up "Hey Mon?"
"Yeah Rach?"
"Um. When you get home...lets talk okay?" Rachel said with a forced smile.
Monica nodded and was out the door.
"Great nothing left to do but sit here and wait" Rachel sighed and sat on the couch.
Last night had been one of the hardest nights of her life. Did she still have feelings for Ross? She spent the whole night trying to figure that out, and came to one simple conclusion. She didn't know. It was all so complicated, she spend hours reading through little notes he had written her, looking through her box of memories with him, and just reminiscing about the past.
She remembered one conversation in particular.
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"God I can't believe hes getting so big" Rachel said as she took a seat next to Ross on his couch, laying her head on his shoulder.
" I know and hes almost one now." Ross smiled, over the past few weeks, Rachel had grown to become really good around Ben, and couldn't seem to get enough of him lately. "He's so smart too"
"Just like his daddy" Rachel smiled and lifted up her head to give him a soft kiss on the cheek.
Ross let out a small laugh. "The other day when he got here, he walked over and pointed at that picture" Ross pointed at a picture of himself, Rachel, and Ben taken over Monica's a few weeks ago. " looked at me and said ' Mommy?' It was the cutest thing ever." Ross could feel Rachel tense up in his arms, he then looked down at her.
She cleared her throat and replied softly "And Wh-what did you say to Ben?"
"I smiled and said…'Maybe someday' " Rachel had eased up a bit as Ross then planted a small kiss on her lips.
"Rach? Can I ask you something?"
Rachel shifted herself so she was looking directly at Ross." Sure honey."
"God I feel so weird for asking you this…but where are we- I mean were is this going?" Ross said with a serious look on his face, while holding her hand between his.
"What?" Rachel said with a small laugh.
"Rachel, Im serious."
She looked down for a moment and then back up at him. " Well I mean, I don't know…I know that I do love you…and- and what we have is amazing."
Rachel was never good at really talking about her feelings in this way. Before she had met Ross, she had never felt so strongly about someone, and cared for her as deeply as she cared for them, this was all new to her.
"I love you too." Ross said smiling "But I mean whats next?"
Clearing her throat she took a long pause before answering. "Well I don't know, I mean but isn't that what makes it fun you know?"
Ross looked down "Great…good, so all I am is fun to you, that's its?"
Rachel's heart dropped did he really think that's all she saw him as? " Look honey all I know that I have never ever felt this way before in my life, and I never want to give that up."
Ross was looking for anything that would give him some sense of security and Rachel had hoped she was doing that now.
"Youll never have to Rach, Youll never have to. Because I always want to be with you."
Rachel looked at Ross with tears welling in her eyes, she took a deep breath and leaned over kissing him deeply.
As they broke Rachel gave him a small smile. "Me too Ross."
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Rachel wiped a stray tear from her eye as she thought about that moment. "You lied" she said quietly
Just then there was a knock at the door. "Rach!"
It was Ross.
Rachel took a deep breath, and stood up "Just a minute" she yelled back.
Making sure she was fully composed she opened the door for Ross, who looked like he had come straight form work.
"Feel Better?" He asked as he entered the apartment taking his coat off.
"Yeah actually, whatever they gave me, its really been helping." Rachel said as she put the dishes of spaghetti on the table.
"Monica Make this?" Ross asked concerned.
"Mmm hmm why?" Rachel said while sitting down.
"Oh just wondering." Needless to say Ross was relieved that it was his sisters cooking and not Rachel's "So Uh, do you plan on going to work tomorrow…or does Dr. Gellar need to make another phone call?" Ross laughed.
"No thank you doctor, but I think Ill be able to go in tomorrow." Rachel smiled "So how did that go anyway, did they give you a problem?"
"No, everything went fine, though Sophie did refer to you as 'Lucky Bitch' when she realized you weren't going to the meeting." Ross said laughing.
"Yeah- well that's just payback for leaving me with organizing all of the new files the one day when she decided she needed to go home because of" Rachel put in quotes "Minstrel cramps" she laughed while Ross sent her a look,
"Okay, eating here Rach…eating."
"Sorry" Rachel mumbled to herself "Well I thought it was funny." Thinking about her memory from earlier she attempted to change the subject. "So um, hows Ben? He's about to turn two soon right?"
"Yeah, I still cant believe it. Hes doing great though he was asking about you last week." Ross smiled " 'wars wray- shel' " He said impersonating Ben.
"That kid really has a way with words. Its been forever since Ive seen him, maybe you could bring him over sometime next week?" The truth was it she hadn't seen Ben since she and Ross broke up and was really missing him.
"Next week? Yeah, Ill see what Monica's doing so she could see him too. Where is Monica anyway" Ross said the first time he had given her a though since he arrived.
"Oh she's out with Pete" Rachel said while rolling her eyes "Just between you and me I don't know why she's still with him- well I mean besides for the money…which oddly enough she doesn't care about, anyway she was telling me before that she didn't feel 'the spark' so I have no clue what she's doing."
" I don't know, I tend not to get involved anymore with my sisters love life after the whole thing with Richard that was just too weird for me." Ross said making a face.
"Yeah but she really loved him, she was so crushed when they broke up" she paused " I mean don't you remember when we would come back here after a date and she would just be sitting here at this table staring off into space…I felt so horrible showing up with you. Its horrible but I'm almost glad she didn't have a boyfriend when we broke up, it just would have been so hard."
Rachel noticed that Ross had been really quite. "Ugh" she said out loud.
This caused Ross to look up "what?" he questioned.
" Oh its nothing except, I mean I didn't mean to bring that subject up tonight" She mumbled.."…Or ever".
"No Maybe, it was a good thing" Ross said slowly.
"What!" Rachel exclaimed then composed herself "I mean, what do you mean?"
"I mean maybe we should talk about it Rach…not fight, just you know talk about everything and get it all out in the open" Ross reasoned.
"Ross, come one do you really think that's possible…I mean fighting its what we do" Rachel joked trying to lighten the moment.
Rachel wasn't even sure how she felt right now, and the last person she wanted to be talking to about her feelings was Ross, the cause of her confusion.
"Come one Rach, just talk to me its worth a shot…I mean ever since last night Ive been feelings-"
"No Don't say it" Rachel cut Ross off, she wasn't ready to be having this talk. "Im not ready for this." She then stood up and began to make her way towards her room.
"So your bailing again?" Ross yelled causing Rachel to turn around.
"Well Im not having this conversation with you right now…so if that's what you want to call it, than that's what Im doing." Rachel spat out as she went to turn around once more.
"We're not Done!" Ross said still yelling trying to make her stop.
"What are you talking about?." Rachel yelled back.
She didn't know why she was fighting this. Part of her thought it was because she was scared…is this really what she needed again…another fight with Ross…no she needed to sort her thoughts before she could do this. She wanted him so badly but yet she kept pushing him away.
"Im not finished talking to you. Now I know that I hurt you..." Ross said calming his voice down as he began to walk towards her.
"Oh, YA' THINK?" Rachel shot back. "Ross you hurt me worse than any other man has ever hurt me in my life" she said as she shook her head.
"hey! You hurt me too…if I didn't think that we were-"
She cut him off once more "Oh If you didn't think what Ross" Rachel paused and let out an aggravated laugh. "If You didn't think we were on a break? So what this is all MY FAULT again? Let me tell you something it was never my fault Ross…what you did was inexcusable."
"I thought we were through!" Ross said throwing his arms up in the air. " I would have never done that if I didn't think we were over."
"But You did" Rachel said softly just above a whisper, tears forming in her eyes.
Ross calmed down once he saw a tear slip from Rachel's eye, he walked over to her and wiped the tear away. "Im sorry. Rachel I don't know how many times I can say that for it to be enough."
"Me Neither." Rachel said in her same somber tone.
Ross looked her in the eyes…he hated seeing her like this, most of all he hated being the cause of her pain. But hadn't she caused him pain as well? Never the less Ross slowly began to wrap his arms around her- and Rachel didn't stop him. He embraced her in a comfortable hug and then began to whisper in her ear sending chills through her body.
"See this is what I want…this is who we are Rach, we fight…and then we make up, why can't- why cant we just fix this."
Rachel just stayed silent with her eyes closed letting Ross hold her in his arms. She didn't know why they couldn't fix things, just get things right for once. She wanted to though, she knew that…she just didn't know if she could ever forgive him for what he did to her…and until she knew if she could…nothing could ever happen between her and Ross.
Their moment was interrupted by a phone ringing. Rachel loosened herself from Ross' arms, and walked over to answer the phone.
"Hello…Oh Hey…Yeah Uh my Mom told me earlier….Hold on a minute." She lowered the phone from her ear and covered the receiver. "Ross, I really need to take this, so um.."
Ross looked down and nodded his head. "Yeah…Im going now" He walked over to her and gave her a small kiss on the cheek. " Im glad your feeling better…and just so you know…we're not finished talking."
Rachel's eyes followed him as he made his way out the door.
She sighed, she had never been this confused in her life…if only she could forgive him. She then lifted the phone back up.
"Hey…Yeah so um Ill meet you at Bloomingdale's, tomorrow, after work…at like 5ish?…Okay see you then….Yeah Bye"
'Great that's all I need a date with some random guy, that my mom wants me to be with." Rachel said out loud just as Monica arrived home.
"Talking to ourselves now Rach?" Monica laughed, while looking around the apartment. "Where's Ross?"
" Oh Monica your home!" Rachel said relieved. "Can we talk now?" Rachel asked talking a seat on the couch.
Monica looked at her friend concerned. "Sure Rach." She walked over and took a seat next to her. "What going on?"
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Okay so that's it for now, it will pick up where I left off in the next chapter, which I hope to have up by Wednesday at the latest.
Hope you enjoyed it, I tried to really play with both sides of Ross and Rachel during the fight….hope it was believable.
Read and Review Please!
