Eggs, goats, and possibility, part 2
See part 1 for description, disclaimer, pairing, etc.
Thanks so much to all of you who left replies – I'd nearly forgotten what a rush feedback can give you. So thanks – it really means a lot to me :) And I'm thrilled that people seemed to like it so far!
Also big thanks to NicoleMack for the heads up on anonymous replies. Like I said on part 1, I've done other fan fics, but none on this website, so I don't know all the little ins and outs like that yet…
Again, everything from the episode remains as is, and this is all just my version of fill-in-the-blanks. This second part takes place after the scene in which Lorelai and Rory begin their movie night. Just keep in mind that Luke hasn't 'seen her face' yet.
I always appreciate feedback, whether praise or criticism, so let me know what you think!
Lorelai stifled a yawn and glanced over at Rory, who sat enthralled by the first selection for the evening. Of course 'Fatso' was a hit; she gave herself a mental pat on the back for her astute choice of entertainment.
She just wished she was able to appreciate it a little more. After two sleepless nights, she wasn't in the best shape for a movie marathon. The inn stuff she could take – that she'd expected. What she hadn't wanted was the constant pingpong-ing of her thoughts between the practical inn issues, and the oh-so-impractical emotional crap she'd been trying to fend off since she'd discovered those stupid cats. Sure she'd managed to ignore all the kid talk during the day, when she was physically out and about, running on full-speed. But lying in bed with nothing else to do? There was just no shutting off the brain. Especially when it was Lorelai Gilmore's brain.
And even if she had caught a few actual Zs somewhere in there over the past two nights, she was sure that they'd been tainted by haunting dreams of kids and husbands she'd never had. But it was all just a blur, with any coherent thoughts blending seamlessly with the subconscious concoctions of her slumbering hours.
Lorelai was actually beginning to wonder when she'd ever get decent sleep again. After the second night, she was finally getting to the point where she could get her life issues back in her brain's storage compartment, where they usually were housed. But even then, the test-run was closing in, and with the ever-growing to-do list for that, there didn't seem to be a reprieve anywhere in the near future.
With the movie drawing to a close, she pondered escaping upstairs for an early night. She was so tired at that point, real sleep seemed a possibility, even if it meant she was simply passed out from exhaustion… She hated to ditch Rory and head for bed, especially considering the fact that on any other Friday, they'd still be suffering together through dinner with Emily…
But when another head-splitting yawn hit her just as the credits began rolling across the screen, she took it as fate. Unfortunately, Lorelai had barely opened her mouth to explain the complete and utter necessity for a little sleep to Rory, when Rory barged right in with her requisite comments on the video.
"Mom, that was absolutely amazing," she gushed. "And the title… 'Fatso'…" She trailed off, smiling and shaking her head in amusement.
Lorelai gave a weary grin, and agreed, "I do love a good fat people movie."
Again, she'd intended to just end the conversations there, the tiredness for one thing, but also because, so far, she'd managed to steer Rory from the topic they'd discussed on the phone the other day. If she could escape to bed without hearing about all that again, it would exponentially increase her chances of getting some sort of peaceful sleep before she had to get up the next morning and start the whirlwind of inn preparations all over again.
While Lorelai sat and stared at the stairs up to her bedroom, mentally trying to motivate herself to actually move her feet, stand up, and get up said stairs, Rory remained oblivious to her mother's zombie-like state and kept right on going with the movie critique.
"I do say, it should be named a Gilmore classic from now on, shouldn't it? Right up there with Willy Wonka, because seriously, what's Willy Wonka without that Gloop kid? Any movie where the fat kid's name is Gloop is required to be a classic." Rory paused to give a little snort of laughter, "Gloop…" After another second of mocking, she added thoughtfully, "And candy. The candy is a big plus…"
Lorelai managed a subdued, "I agree," as she began gathering up plates, leftovers, and trash to bring into the kitchen before heading up to bed.
Catching the intent of her mother's actions, Rory knew she had to think fast. She hadn't even begun drilling her mother on the baby issue, and she knew she had to at least start chipping away at Lorelai's resistance tonight. She was only at home for the night, and she really did want to have a good old Gilmore heart-to-heart, even if they didn't get any farther than last time, if only because she'd be able to see her mother's facial expressions as she avoided everything. Neither Gilmore was particularly good at lying to the other, so once they were face-to-face, Rory knew she'd be better able to tell how her mom was actually feeling about things.
"Hey Mom?" She began innocently, "You know what other movies have great fat people in them? Nine Months, Father of the Bride part 2, Look Who's Talking…" Bad as they all were, Rory rattled off the first few pregnancy movies that popped into her head somewhat nervously. Bold as she'd been on the phone, and as much as she wanted the face-to-face talk, it was also more difficult for her to broach the awkward subject with Lorelai sitting right there.
As soon as Lorelai heard those titles, she knew she was in for it. Stupid Rory and her persistence. She dropped the Chinese containers in her hands back down to the coffee table and collapsed back into the Lorelai-shaped dent she'd just left in the couch. "Again with the crappy John Travolta movie," she exclaimed in frustration.
Rory shrugged guiltily at Lorelai's expected hostility to the topic, "Hey, I thought it was a good segue…"
"You also thought New Kids on the Block were good," Lorelai replied pointedly, refusing to look at Rory. If she batted those big baby blues at her, she'd just crumble. Why else did people think Rory had been able to con her into drinking coffee when she was barely twelve?
"Harsh." Rory flinched at the sound of her mother's voice. Not so much from the words – she did have a point there – but from the tone, laced with bitterness.
Lorelai crossed her arms across her chest like a petulant child. She didn't mean to hurt Rory - she'd always avoided that at all costs. But she really didn't want to go back to where their earlier phone call had gone. Still not looking Rory in the eye, she sputtered out the only slightly venomous retort that she could muster at the moment, "Yeah, well, deal." Weak Gilmore, weak, she chastised herself. It was amazing how the caliber of her come-backs could drop off when a little misery got thrown into her personal life…
Unwilling to let her mother bottle up her emotions any longer, Rory moved to sit on the coffee table to face Lorelai. "Mom, you can't just ignore it," she insisted.
Lorelai squirmed on the couch, trying to avoid Rory's intent stare. There was no other way to explain it. She just really, really, really was not in the mood to talk about having kids with Rory again. Her brain already hurt from everything else going on in there. And pride wouldn't allow her to let Rory see her in the state she'd likely end up in if Rory had her way with the direction of the conversation. Besides, she'd already come way to close to screwing up and letting it all out – to Luke of all people. He didn't do feelings and heart-to-hearts. She hadn't meant to bring anything up with him, or anyone, but with the Shel fiasco, she'd just been so overwhelmed… Relationships being hard, making her sad sometimes – it had just slipped out. Luckily, it hadn't been as bad as it could have been. She'd pretty much been on the verge of a full-scale breakdown, and she'd been embarrassed enough by the first one Luke had witnessed - she couldn't let herself go again. So the fake smile had been plastered back on, worrying about the inn had been put back in the number one position, and Luke had been spared the sequel to 'Meltdown in the Park'.
With only Rory around, avoiding the meltdown would have to happen a lot earlier in the game. Lorelai had to put her foot down, "Nuh uh, no more discussion Rory. I told you that."
Rory sighed. She'd never say it out loud, for fear of being disowned, but her mom had her grandmother's stubbornness. And Lorelai was putting it to good use at the moment. "But, you still…" Rory's last-ditch effort trailed off, as she knew she was probably fighting a losing battle.
Which she was. With a tone of finality, Lorelai made her declaration, "The horse is dead, so shut it kid, or you've seen the last of these doughnuts." As she spoke, in an effort to lighten the mood a little, she'd snatched up the plate holding a few pastries and waved it precariously over the bag she'd been tossing garbage into. "Uh oh… Not the doughnuts… There they go…"
The Gilmore sweet tooth won out in Rory – she'd just pester Lorelai about a baby again tomorrow. With mock horror, she grabbed the plate back from her mother and cradled it protectively as she comforted the poor little doughnuts and reassured them that they were safe. She added a contrite "I'll be good," directed to Lorelai.
Lorelai nodded triumphantly, "No more talk of reproduction or lack thereof." She could finally go get some sleep… Before she moved to get up from the couch again, she pondered a little peace offering. Maybe it'd keep Rory off her case for a while. And it was just funny, she reminded herself with a smile.
She repositioned herself on the couch, and patted the cushion next to her for Rory to move back from the coffee table. "Ok, except this." With a mock serious tone, she broke the news to Rory. "Now I know this may upset you, but Rory, I do have to tell you about someone who will definitely not be your stepdaddy anytime soon… Or ever," she added as an afterthought.
"Ohh, who?" Rory squealed, the previous conversation fully abandoned. "Sounds like more gossip. And the fun kind. I love fun gossip." She jumped over to face Lorelai on the couch in full gossip position, deftly grabbing a doughnut on the way.
"Shel."
With a puzzled expression, Rory broke off a piece of the sprinkled doughnut and handed it to Lorelai as she attempted to place the name. She couldn't. "Shel?" she asked quizzically.
"Shel the poultry man." Lorelai stated with a giddy smile spreading across her face. Now that she was a day removed from Sookie's insane set-up, she could definitely appreciate its laughable qualities. Plus she now had a doughnut…
Rory gasped in jest, "You're kidding."
"Sadly, no," Lorelai lamented melodramatically, "Sookie apparently isn't quite busy enough with all the inn crap we've got going and took it upon herself to play matchmaker and set me up with the Donny Osmond of chickens, turkeys and all things feathered."
"Sookie, Sookie, Sookie…" Rory shook her head with an air of amusement.
Lorelai nodded vigorously, eyes wide in agreement, "I know!"
"So how'd you duck that one?" Rory wondered aloud, with a silly giggle following her question. "Haha, duck… Poultry pun."
"Smart Yale humor must be above me…" Lorelai responded with a smirk.
Rory threw her last bit of doughnut at Lorelai and pouted, "Shut up."
"Yeah well," Lorelai stuffed the projectile doughnut in her mouth before continuing, "Anyway, I used my astounding intellect to think quick and avoid getting sucked into the world of Shel. Luke was having a bonding moment with the sink or something, so I grabbed him and we pulled a quick Rupert and Julia in 'My Best Friend's Wedding.' Or I did. Luke just kind of stood there and grunted."
"I would expect nothing less from Luke," Rory stated, eyeing the plate with the remaining doughnuts.
"Of course," Lorelai agreed - all Luke ever did was grunt, so today was truly classic Luke. "So yeah, that pretty much did the trick for Shel. You call Luke a 'special friend', pull a little of the flirty eyelash thing, and Shel's history. Thank god."
"Special friend?" Rory's ears practically perked up like a puppy's as she gave in and reached for a second doughnut, "Something you'd care to share on the Luke-front?" Her eyebrow raised, she eyed Lorelai with a sly smirk.
"Luke-front?" Even Rory had gone to the dark side, sounding more like Babette and Patty harassing her about Luke, than her sweet little innocent daughter. "There is no Luke-front, dirty girl," she chided. "Being away at Yale must be making you lose your immunity to the stupid town rumors."
"Rumors? I know of no such rumors…" Rory stared, innocent and wide-eyed, as she took as big a bite as humanly possible of her jelly doughnut.
Taking offense, Lorelai swatted at Rory's leg before playing along, "Yeah, you know, somewhere between the pop rocks and coke making you explode and Martha Stewa…"
She couldn't finish her sentence, as she instead became captivated by Rory's current doughnut situation. It seemed that her initial bite had been so big, that the jelly filling had sort of exploded out the side. It had already leaked onto the side of Rory's face, and she was now contorting her neck awkwardly so as to keep the blob from sliding down any farther.
It was actually quite amusing for Lorelai to watch, who snickered at the sight. "Problems?" She purposely mimicked the exact innocent intonation Rory had just thrown her way.
"No…" Rory denied vehemently, muffled as the reply was by the mouthful of doughnut she still had. No sooner had she spoken, the said wayward filling decided to succumb to gravity. She ended up with a gooey streak down the side of her chin, and a sticky strawberry blob in her hand. "Yes," she corrected sheepishly.
Lorelai burst out laughing at the sight of Rory, usually so proper and Yale-like, sitting there looking bewildered, with a fistful of jelly and the offending doughnut in the other.
"It's not funny, I'm all sticky," Rory glowered at her mother, who held off on the laughing just long enough to toss a napkin in Rory's direction.
And as Rory struggled fruitlessly with the paper napkin, Lorelai's laughter increased to the point where she had tears in her eyes. Not only was the paper just getting stuck on Rory's hand, making the mess even worse, but in watching Rory, Lorelai had recalled a conversation she'd had once upon a time…
Frustrated, sticky, and annoyed that her mother was finding such joy in her suffering, Rory snapped in irritation, "Ok, definitely not that funny."
"No, no, no…" Lorelai waved her hands in protest as she tried to get a grip on her laughter, "It's not you, it's just," A snort escaped. "I don't think I've seen it since he said it. And I didn't figure I'd be seeing you…" Her efforts were futile – another wave of laughter overtook her, as Rory was left sticky and confused.
"What?" Rory had no idea what the hell her mom was babbling about.
"Jam hands!" Lorelai exclaimed. "We were just talking about Luke and then you, and the jelly…" She dissolved into giggles again before trying once more to explain her outburst, "It's why he hates…" She trailed off again, though her laughter died out along with her words this time.
At least you had a kid…
Luke's words from the previous day suddenly echoed forcefully in her ears, overwhelming her.
At least you had a kid…
Rory continued fighting with the remaining stickiness on her hand, and not having noticed the stunned expression on Lorelai's face, she just wanted to hear the end of her mom's little jelly tale. "Because of jelly?" she asked unwittingly, trying to encourage Lorelai to pick up where she'd just trailed off.
Lorelai barely heard her, "Huh?"
"Luke hates jam?" Rory prompted, finally looking up and noticing the starry-eyed, far away expression her mother now wore.
"Huh?" Lorelai tried to shake Luke's words out of her head and focus on Rory, who seemed to be saying something to her… "What?"
Giving up on the jelly on her hand, Rory eyed Lorelai suspiciously, "Ok, space cadet Gilmore, where did you just go?"
Lorelai heard Rory's question that time, but she could feel… things… creeping into her consciousness. Whatever it was, it was fuzzy and just beyond her grasp, but as Luke's words continued to ring in her ears, Lorelai couldn't shake the feeling she was on the edge of something…
Flustered, confused, and slightly disturbed by the fact she, all of the sudden, couldn't get Luke out of her head, she grabbed the closest video to her and tossed it at Rory. "Just… here, put in another movie," she ordered, "Movie night rules, no talking."
"Ok…" Rory cast one more wary glance at Lorelai, before acquiescing and getting up to slide the new tape into the VCR with her non-sticky hand. Sometimes there was just no figuring her mother out…
With the new movie starting, Lorelai sat back, uncharacteristically quiet. To Rory, she appeared to be actually watching the television, but it couldn't have been farther from the truth. Lorelai had no idea what was flickering across the screen in front of her.
She was still reeling from her own realization of Luke's statement the day before. Luke wanted a kid? Luke wanted a kid? Luke wanted a kid? Since when? He couldn't… Luke? But jam hands… Bodily functions… And short - very short - conversations…
She racked her brain, trying to explain away his comment somehow. He must have meant something else. He must have. It was Luke. And she was Lorelai, that much she knew, but that was nothing she'd just figured out… She shouldn't have been this bothered by Luke's little declaration… It was Luke. She was still Lorelai… And she was very, very confused.
Kid meant kid. There was no way around it. Sure, it meant sheep – or was it goat? Lorelai wondered for a moment… Some barn yard animal anyway, but she had none of those. And surely Luke knew her well enough to know that she didn't own, and never had owned, any farm-type critter.
He must have meant an actual child… But it was Luke. Lorelai just kept ending up right where she'd started. Luke didn't want a kid. He couldn't. It was too… Un-Luke-ish. But he'd said it… Vicious cycle. It was Luke. Luke wanted a kid. But he couldn't, because he was Luke. But Luke said he wanted a kid…
Lorelai, knowing she was getting nowhere with her current line of thinking, forced herself to drop the kid comment from her mind for a second, and tried to focus on just the source. Go right to the source, right? Surely Rory had said that somewhere in her budding journalism career… Luke was the source. Figure out Luke, and maybe then she could figure out where he was coming from on that…
Luke. Luke…
Lorelai mentally began going over a list of anything she could think of that was Luke. Whether she was just trying to confirm for herself that Luke must have been insane when he said he wanted a kid, or whether she was looking for some sort of evidence that could indicate that he did want a kid, she didn't know. But she knew Luke. And what you know is safe. Luke wanting a kid was new territory, and Lorelai wasn't sure she wanted to go there…
Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat. Check.
The coffee provider. Check.
The diner man. Check.
The sporter of all things flannel. Check.
The reluctant guardian to Jess. Check.
Her personal sink-and-everything-else fixer. Her bell-breaking partner in crime. Her Yale mattress mover…
Somewhere over the course of her Luke-list-making, Lorelai's mind began to wander from a simple characterization of him as the scruffy owner of the town's diner to everything he was to her. He was her this, her that… Somewhere in her subconscious, he had long ago been designated her Luke.
He was her ice-man, her savior from the chicken-y schemes of Sookie and Shel…
Recalling her desperate antics to rid herself of Shel, Lorelai couldn't help but notice a little fluttering in her stomach… The same butterflies she'd felt as she'd unintentionally led Luke's hand a slightly astray as she yanked his arm around her waist… She'd felt the barest brush of his fingers on the underside of her breast… Even that long after the fact, just at remembering it, she was nearly blushing at the memory of the little shiver that had run up her spine at the time – It was Luke! She didn't have those kinds of reactions to good old Luke.
Except for those few times she did…
Completely inadvertently, Lorelai began letting her thoughts drift to the other times she'd felt those little butterflies with Luke… When he'd bought her basket and they'd shared a picture perfect lunch together in the gazebo. When she'd slept in his bed the night of the fire. And painting the diner a few years ago, she could have sworn they'd been but a breath away from a kiss... The complete and utter relief she'd felt when he'd finally spit out that he and Nicole were getting a divorce…
But it was nothing, she told herself. Nothing. She'd denied Sookie's accusations about the night when Stella got loose, she'd denied Emily's assertions over and over. Well, she hadn't completely denied feelings for Luke that one time, but she'd managed to convince herself that admitting anything was merely an act of self-preservation to get Emily off her back.
No, Lorelai scolded herself, no thinking about Luke like… like that. It's Luke. There was nothing there. There never was. He was Luke. Her friend. And only her friend. Just Luke.
For whatever reason, as had been the case for years, Lorelai simply would not allow herself to think of Luke as anything but Luke the diner man. Maybe she wanted to think of him as more, maybe she didn't. But it didn't matter either way, she'd always kept those sort of musings as off-limits.
So as if to set herself straight, Lorelai forced herself back to her Luke-list, not even really remembering what she'd began it for in the first place. Now she just needed to get any wayward thoughts out of her head and put him securely back in the little Luke mold she'd restricted him to for so long. Driver of big green truck. Baseball fan. Chuppa maker…
Damn it Lorelai, too personal, she cursed inwardly.
Taylor hater. The one who came to Rory's Chilton graduation. The one who loaned her an insane amount of money to save her inn…
Lorelai's mind was drifting again, and she was helpless to stop it.
The one that Patty always said had a 'thing' for her… Father of her dream twins…
Dream twins.
It meant nothing. She didn't want Luke. Luke didn't want to father her kids. Or any kids. Lorelai told herself instinctively, just as she had when she'd first had the dream, that it was just a silly dream…
And then it all hit her.
Luke did want kids.
And she wanted Luke.
And she, Lorelai Gilmore, wanted kids with Luke.
Her eyes went wide, and she gasped aloud in shock, "Oh my God!"
Rory turned to her, perplexed - nothing going on in the movie could have possibly elicited that reaction. But as quickly as Lorelai had come to life, she'd quieted again. So Rory shrugged and focused back on the TV. Sometimes you just didn't ask questions in the Gilmore house.
But over on the couch, Lorelai's heart was racing and she wasn't having the easiest time catching her breath. She'd finally – finally! – put two and two together and it had hit her like a ton of bricks. Or a few tons of bricks… She wanted kids, and Luke wanted kids, and everyone always said Luke wanted her… And now, she was finally realizing, she wants Luke.
Whoa…
The butterflies and blushing were back in full force as Lorelai's mind raced. Where had all of this come from? Not even a week ago, she'd been content enough with Jason, just having fun and not thinking long-term at all. And now she wanted Luke? Until that very moment, she'd never, ever, let her mind get that far with her Luke thoughts. Sure, there'd been the butterflies a few times, but more often than not, she'd explained them away as the result of a few wayward hormones in her very lonely, very single, body. Lorelai had forced herself into denial over Luke even more than she'd tried to quell the desires for more kids.
Wait… Lorelai tried to slow the runaway train in her mind for a moment, trying to sort through something that was only now starting to make sense.
Had she subconsciously forced herself to ignore Luke-feelings since she'd thought he didn't want kids?
And now that he'd admitted he wanted kids, the floodgates were open?
She had felt those same warm fuzzies when Luke had made a pointed attempt at the dance marathon to tell her that there'd be a kid discussion… But denial reigned, and he'd said it would only be with the right woman, which couldn't have been her. But what if it was her? Had everything Luke had done for her that she'd just mentally listed been because he really did want her, like the town said?
Until that moment, Lorelai had never been able to put her finger on why exactly she wouldn't let herself ever think about Luke like that, why she would never allow herself to have feelings for him. Or admit the feelings, she mentally corrected herself, now sure more than ever she'd felt this way for longer than she knew. Could it really have been that she subconsciously could not and would not ever be with someone who was so adamant about not wanting the same future she did?
Hold up there Gilmore, she forced herself to slow her thought momentarily. Jason hadn't been the biggest fan of kids, how had she been able to be in that relationship?
She knew the answer immediately – as if her sudden awakening to Luke had given her a new sense of clarity on all aspects of her life. Jason hadn't been it. It didn't matter if he wanted kids or not, she was going nowhere with him, and must have known it deep down.
But with Luke… Even as she thought of his name, she couldn't help but recall those little sparks she'd felt the other day as they'd played the happy couple for Shel. Those same sparks that had always been there, really. The one's that she'd always forced herself to ignore.
That was the difference from Jason. With Luke, all those suppressed sparks had been a big flashing warning sign – start anything with Luke, and it would be it. But it without kids wasn't what Lorelai needed, and because Luke hadn't wanted kids, she'd always kept him at arms length.
But now…
Lorelai pressed her face into a pillow, not wanting to scare Rory with the Joker-scale smile she had going on. With all the pieces seemingly now falling perfectly into place, she was giddy, practically bouncing in her seat on the couch. All of the sudden everything was coming together. She wants Luke, she thinks he wants her…
She sucked in a quick breath, tensing up for a second. She could almost see the big picture, the happily ever after, and all only a few minutes after never even having allowed herself to give Luke a second thought. It scared her.
Or it should have scared her. But really, it didn't. For just another split second later, the initial fear gave way to the happiness and the butterflies all over again. Lorelai wasn't going to let herself be afraid of the big picture – truthfully, she should have been afraid all those times she couldn't see it – the big picture – in her relationships.
And now… Maybe, just maybe, she could have it with Luke.
At that thought, she giggled to herself. Dirty! Have it with Luke… Not that it… She scolded herself for letting her thoughts about Luke get anywhere near it.
Well, actually… With a wicked grin, she tilted her head contemplatively. Lorelai's mind quickly drifted from the silly, giggly mode of an eight-year old laughing over the insinuation of the little two-letter world, to the very adult mode of daydreaming about a very naked her having it with a very naked Luke. Really dirty!
Yet for all Lorelai's elation and fantasizing at her recent epiphany, there was one nagging little question in the back of her mind, slowly forcing it's way forward, demanding to be heard.
What had changed in just a little over a year for Luke? Why did he want kids all of the sudden? He was still the same old Luke. If anything, she figured the whole Jess experience would have steered him even farther from any sort of parental desires…
Now curious, Lorelai wondered to herself what could ha…
Nicole.
He'd been married. To Nicole.
Oh no… The horror started to creep into Lorelai's brain. If he found the right woman there'd be a discussion… Was Nicole the 'right woman'? Had Luke wanted kids with Nicole? It was only with Nicole that he contemplated kids, and never during the supposed 'thing' he'd had for her?
Had Rory been watching Lorelai instead of the movie, she would have been able to see her mother visibly deflate as this second wave of realization washed over her.
Luke had only wanted kids with Nicole… Lorelai was crushed. She'd just had a life-altering revelation about what and who she wanted, only realize she'd been fooling herself the whole time, thinking that Luke would reciprocate her newfound feelings.
Fine, she thought defiantly. Fine. That's just fine and dandy. So Luke wanted kids with Nicole and not her. What else was new? Hadn't that been how it was all year when he was actually married to her and 'living' in Litchfield? Yes. So everything was exactly the same. Status quo. Nothing had changed, she attempted to convince herself out of pure self-preservation. He'd still give her coffee, albeit with the usual lecture, he'd still fix her sink when it got clogged…
Except things had changed, Lorelai lamented dejectedly.
She'd just been hit head on with almost ten years of suppressed feelings for Luke. She was screwed. Everything was different now. You can't just go back after finally admitting something like that to yourself. Nothing would ever be the same… She wanted him. She wanted him. Lorelai wanted Luke! And he didn't want her. Or maybe he did. But he wanted Nicole. Kids with Nicole. But everyone said he wanted Lorelai…
Gah, Lorelai cursed herself inwardly. Yet another vicious cycle. If she kept torturing herself with things like this, Rory'd have to call in the guys with straightjackets by the end of the night.
So she knew what she had to do. She had to see Luke. She had to know what he was talking about.
Without a moment's worth of hesitation, and despite the utter exhaustion she'd been complaining about earlier, Lorelai leapt up from her seat on the couch and dashed to the door without a word. She shoved her feet in a pair of old sneakers and grabbed a coat in record time. In seconds, she was outside, sprinting at practically full tilt towards the diner.
Back in the living room of the house, Rory barely realized that Lorelai had left – it had all happened so quickly. It only registered when she heard the front door slam behind her mother and the pounding footsteps as Lorelai took off down the porch stairs. Hurrying over to the window, Rory was clueless as to what had gotten into her mom. She'd been acting bizarre since the whole breakup/cats/phone call incident, which Rory just figured was just Lorelai dealing with everything in her own Lorelai way. But tonight was approaching Twilight Zone proportions. And it was just getting stranger, Rory noted, peering out the window in time to see Lorelai disappear around the corner at the end of the street. Where the hell was she going? Rory wondered. If all her mom's craziness was related to that phone conversation, then fine. That made sense. But from the content of that same conversation, Rory'd figured that not a whole lot of people, if any, knew about all that baby stuff. So who could Lorelai possibly be running to about all this stuff? Sookie? Maybe… But it was late, and Davey was there, and wouldn't that just be opening up the can of worms all over again?
Rory sighed, giving up. She couldn't help her mom if she didn't want to be helped. And pulling a Speedy Gonzales and jetting out the door in a cloud of dust wasn't exactly a sign of wanting to be helped by the very person choking on the very dust you'd just left behind. With a furrowed brow, Rory plopped back into her spot on the couch for the rest of the movie.
Out on the street, Lorelai had made it barely a quarter of the way to Luke's before she remembered that she was a Gilmore, and that Gilmores don't run, or do anything else that could be perceived as athletic. She couldn't breathe very well, her heart was pounding out of her chest… Not that that was new – she'd felt that ever since she'd discovered that she wanted Luke. But now her legs were burning too, and she wasn't fond of that feeling. So she slowed to a brisk walk, peppered with a few bouncy shuffles that might be mistaken for a jog. It was the happy medium between the running giving her a heart attack in the middle of the street and the crazy Luke-feeling-confusion giving her a heart attack in the middle of the street, which would be the case if she went too slow and had to think about him anymore without seeing him.
When the diner finally came into view, Lorelai picked up the pace again slightly. She could just make out Luke and his flannel-clad form vigorously rubbing at the counter. It was late – he must have just closed up and begun cleaning.
Her breath caught in her throat at the sight. Seeing him just exhilarated her that much more. She dashed up the step to the diner and banged violently on the door. Without even waiting for his reaction, she tried the door handle in case he hadn't locked it yet. He hadn't. So she barged in, the tiny bell above the door no match for the flourish with which she entered.
Behind the counter, Luke paused momentarily, looking up in only slight annoyance as he transferred his scrubbing rag to his other hand. Lorelai flying into his place in late-night caffeine withdrawal as he was closing up was nothing out of the ordinary. Especially given that it was Friday – he practically expected her to need coffee after having sat through whatever it was that went on at her parent's house on Fridays.
What Luke didn't know is that Lorelai hadn't been to her parents that night. Or that that wasn't the only difference about this particular late-Friday diner visit.
Lorelai froze as soon as she was in the door. She had no game plan, she had no idea what to say – which wasn't often the case for her. What the hell was she doing?
While she couldn't straighten out in her head what she wanted to say, her mouth seemed to know enough to get her point across. Before she could stop herself, Lorelai had unceremoniously sputtered out the last thing Luke had expected to hear, "You said 'at least I had a kid.'"
Hearing that, Luke just shrugged and went back to wiping off the counter with a bland "Yeah" for a response. He didn't read too much into anything, so he couldn't really see anything out of the ordinary about Lorelai's statement, or his from the other day.
It was the deafening silence that radiated from Lorelai that caught him off guard. That was the unusual thing. He stopped his cleaning again, looking up to see what could possibly be wrong that was causing Lorelai to be quieter than he'd ever heard her in his life.
Lorelai just stood there gaping at him. She still had no plan, still had no idea what to do or how to react, especially to the utterly nonchalant admission by Luke that he did, in fact, say what she thought she'd heard. So she said nothing and just stared.
Slightly uncomfortable with the air that their conversation – or non-conversation – had taken on, Luke tried to coax Lorelai back into 'normal' mode by reaffirming the obvious, "You did have a kid."
Still no response.
"Rory…" Luke reminded Lorelai incredulously. What the hell was going on with her?
Hearing Rory's name, for whatever reason seemed to trigger something in Lorelai, bringing her back to some semblance of her normal self. "I…" She stuttered initially, having regained the capacity to speak, but still not knowing exactly what to say. So resorted again back to the basics. Go with what you know. So she confirmed Luke's last words, "Yes, Rory. I know."
Luke was still baffled by the absurdity of their dialogue. Not that Lorelai hadn't pulled some insane conversations out of thin air before, but this one wasn't even her normal weird. "So?" He asked, eyebrows raised in confusion.
"And you don't have a kid," Lorelai stated, as if waiting for Luke's confirmation that they were not in some sort of alternate universe in which he was Stars Hollow's very own version of Mike Brady.
Still perplexed as to the purpose of the conversation, Luke gave up trying to figure it out and simply answered Lorelai, "Not human or otherwise, no." Pulling out a broom from the corner, he continued with a deadpan, "A goat in the diner would violate state health codes."
So it was a goat that kid meant… Focus! Lorelai scolded mentally. "I'm not talking about goats, Luke. I'm serious."
"Sorry…" Luke raised his hands in mock apologetic defeat before going back to sweeping up the floor.
Lorelai bit her lip, watching him, pondering her next move. Eventually, she just spit out exactly what she'd said not five minutes earlier, "You said 'at least I had a kid.'"
Practically dropping the broom, Luke turned to face her, raising his voice in exasperation, "Did we not go over this already?"
"Luke!" Lorelai screeched back with equal force, "You said 'at least I had a kid.'" She forced herself to calm down slightly, knowing there was no way things were going to work if it was just the two of them screaming at each other. "Now, maybe this is just me being crazy, which, yes, I agree can be the case sometimes," she added honestly, "But when I said at least you got married, I was thinking, hey, Luke got married. Seems like a swell thing to do, wish I had. Stupid me, I assumed that you saying at least I had a kid meant you actually wanted a kid." Finishing her last sentence quickly, Lorelai did her best to look contrite, and braced herself for whatever Luke-rant was sure to come her way.
None did.
For Luke saw no flaws in her logic, or any reason to be offended by her words. It had been what he meant. Sure, he hadn't necessarily intended to admit it to Lorelai, or anyone, but he had, so he was prepared to deal with whatever teasing and Dr. Phil references she felt like aiming at him. It was his own fault for letting the sentiment slip; he'd handle the repercussions. So he gave another shrug of admission, and said only, "And?"
Lorelai was shell-shocked. She blinked a few times, positive she couldn't have actually heard that confirmation directly from Luke's mouth. "You do?" She stammered in disbelief.
"Yeah, I guess." Yet another shrug from the man of few words, as he continued to sweep the floor, unaware of the magnitude of the implications of his words, at least as Lorelai saw it.
The world was spinning around her… Kids, Rory, goats, Luke, Jason, cats… Luke again… She had no coherent thoughts – as much as she wanted it to be true, she just couldn't believe that he was telling her all of this to her face. Everything was changing too quickly… It was too much to process. The same whirlwind of emotion she'd just experienced back at the house was back, full-blast. All she could do was blurt the first thing that came to mind as, once again, she tried to comprehend Luke wanting kids, "But you hate jam hands!"
Luke eyed Lorelai with wary concern. She was definitely not acting normal, even for her. What the hell was with the random outbursts and the kid-talk? Was the stress of the inn finally getting to her? He spoke cautiously, as if questioning both her and himself, so as to not set her off any more than she already was, "So I won't let 'em eat jam?" He trailed off, not sure of what to expect next.
Barely having heard Luke's words, Lorelai continued, still trying to convince herself that it couldn't all be working out – Luke couldn't really mean he wanted kids… "And you said your kid discussion would be short."
That statement ended up confusing Luke even more than Lorelai herself was. Kid discussion? This little revelation of… full-blown fatherly desires… was all pretty new to even himself, so he didn't recall ever having 'the kid discussion' with anyone, not with Nicole, not with Rachel, never mind with Lorelai Gilmore. "Huh?"
"At the dance thing, before Sookie and Jackson had Davey…" Lorelai explained impatiently, annoyed that he couldn't seem to remember something that was so vitally important to her at that very moment, regardless of the fact that she probably wouldn't have remembered it out of the blue on a normal day either. "You said your kid discussion would be short," she insisted.
Right… Luke vaguely recalled something along those lines, but he also remembered chalking it up to glue fumes and sleep deprivation not long afterward. He didn't really see how any of this concerned Lorelai anyway, but rather than try and point that out and end up agitating her further, he figured honesty would be the best policy at the moment. "Look, I said there'd be a discussion. Being married got me thinking, maybe the discussion wouldn't be so short," he stated frankly. Not that he'd wanted a kid with Nicole, per se, but there were times when he regretted not getting to that point with her wile he still had the chance. At least he'd have gotten every other weekend and some holidays out of the deal.
Unfortunately for Lorelai, Luke had spoken the truth, just not all of it. All she got to hear was 'married.' Married… Luke may as well have smacked her in the face, punched her in the stomach, and then stabbed her right through the heart – That's exactly how it felt to have her worst fears validated. He'd only wanted kids because he was married to Nicole… "Married," she repeated aloud, dumbstruck and trying to bite back tears. "Married to Nicole."
Luke remained oblivious to the effect the underlying meaning of his words was having on Lorelai. He was more concerned with finishing up his cleaning and sending her on her merry way so he could head upstairs to bed. Plus he was getting a little annoyed at Lorelai's behavior and bizarre line of questioning. "Nicole was my wife, yes…" He grunted patronizingly.
And Lorelai certainly didn't miss the insinuation in his tone of voice. Just another twist to the knife that was already in there…"Huh," she said to no one in particular. Covertly, as Luke bent down to sweep crumbs into a dustpan, she swiped at the few tears that had gathered in the corners of her eyes and gave a little sniffle. What else could she do? Trying to process the fact that Luke had just squished her hopes like a bug, she let out a shaky "Ok."
With him growing more and more annoyed, Luke's reply came more as a bark, "What?"
When no immediate reply came, Luke turned and looked up at her, squinting at her for a moment, wondering for half a second if she looked upset. Must have just been the lighting…
"Nothing," Lorelai muttered, hoping that she still looked ok, so she could at least retain some of her pride. A little more defiantly, she continued, "I just never knew you'd changed your mind about wanting kids."
"Was I supposed to send out a newsletter?" Luke snapped bitterly. He was tired, cranky, and not in the mood for Lorelai's nosing into his private life. She couldn't tell after the other morning that relationships and kids were a sore spot that he definitely didn't want to talk about?
Lorelai recoiled at his harsh words. She could feel whatever chance she may have had with him slipping farther and farther away… "No, no, I just…" She trailed off sadly, defeated. "Never mind."
"That's it?" Luke had hit the boiling point. The rant began. "You came here to see if I wanted kids? What the hell does it matter to you, Lorelai? So you can tell me I need even more Dr. Phil books now?"
He could have yelled for longer, but Lorelai had interrupted, mounting her own weak defense as she shrank away from him, "No, Luke, no, I…"
"Well?" He demanded angrily, "What then?"
"Uh, coffee?" Lorelai offered timidly. "You know me, that's always why I come here," she joked warily, hoping to stave off any further yelling. She wouldn't be able to handle that. Luke didn't react, so she spoke again, "Yeah, um, just needed a caffeine fix before you closed I guess..."
Luke finally did move to go grab a to-go cup, though it still appeared that he was steaming more than the coffee was.
Lorelai closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was all her fault. She'd gone crazy, and now he was mad. And she didn't want that. "Luke I'm sorry," she began ruefully, "I thought that…" She couldn't actually tell him what she'd thought. "Well, I guess none of it is really any of my business. So, I'm sorry." She finished her apology candidly, hoping it was enough for him.
Had she been watching Luke, and not her own clasped hands, she'd have seen his shoulders drop as he fiddled with the coffee pot. He knew he'd been a little out of line as well. It was just a touchy subject for him… And he hated being angry at Lorelai. Turning back around to face her, she slid the coffee cup towards her, as he spoke his own words in acceptance of her apology, "Forget it."
When Lorelai remained silent, and didn't even take a drink from the cup, all angriness was forgotten on Luke's part as it dawned on him that she still was acting strangely for Lorelai. Concerned, he questioned her gently, or as gently as he could manage, "You ok?"
No… "Yeah," Lorelai replied unconvincingly, as he gaze met Luke's. She couldn't be sure how long she just stared at him, but she was positive that it had been far longer than appropriate. And even then, she'd only stopped because the coffee aroma wafting up in her face reminded her that she needed to pay for said coffee. But she hadn't thought to grab her purse in her mad dash out the door…
Rooting around in her pockets, she managed to dig up a crumpled dollar bill and a few coins. "Oh, here…" She slid them across the counter, as if they payment was a peace offering and a return to normal Luke-Lorelai standing.
With the slightest of smiles and a shake of his head, Luke slid the money back to her, "Just take it, I'd be throwing it out anyway."
Lorelai returned the smile, if it was a bit forced. "Thanks." Stuffing the money back into her pocket, she grabbed the coffee and made her way out of the diner without another word.
Luke eyed her curiously as she left, momentarily trying to figure out what all of that had been about before turning to head upstairs. Had he watched just a little longer, he'd have seen Lorelai toss the cup of coffee into a garbage can on the street without ever having taken a sip.
Lorelai didn't even remember the walk back to her house. Before she knew it, she was trudging up the front steps, her cheeks damp with tears. Exhaustion, both mental and physical, had set in and all she wanted to do was go upstairs and cry herself to sleep. She'd have to move on in the morning. Real life – Rory, and the inn, her parents' separation, and everything else – had to take precedence over whatever it was that had just happened that evening. She was resilient, she was a pro at ignoring all sorts of emotional turmoil. As far as Luke knew, nothing had changed. And that's exactly how she'd have to play it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and forever… But she needed one night to cry over what could have been – what she'd thought she'd had for about an hour, only to have it torn away from her because he wanted Nicole…
With a sigh, Lorelai pushed the door open dejectedly, not even bothering to try and hide her appearance from Rory. If she saw her, she saw her. She deserved to know how pathetic her mother was, didn't she?
Her question, fortunately, didn't get answered that night, for Rory had fallen asleep at some point during one of her movies and stirred only slightly as Lorelai made her way up the stairs.
She didn't even bother to change out of her clothes before crawling under the covers, as she begged the gods of sleep to put her out of her misery and let her fall asleep without thinking anymore about Luke, or kids, or the inn…
Thankfully, it worked, and before many more tears fell, she was in a deep, dreamless slumber, the chaos in her mind finally having worn her out.
To be continued
