Chaos: Ok, I'm gonna say it right here and now; this story scares me. I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. What else can I say? Enjoy, flame if you will, and I hope nobody gets any permanent psychological damage. I'm enjoying not being sued right now, thankyou very much. (grin)

Flower: Well, I wrote it late at night, so... draw your own conclusions. I don't care. Much. Heheh. Apologies for how long this is.

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ILLUSION

by Chaos Flower

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I glare a lot more lately, though I guess I was often glaring. It gave an illusion of self-confidence, you know? That I was indestructable. It made people cringe.

But, hey, everybody has weaknesses. And not everybody is an idiot. It's only a matter of time before somebody comes along and says, 'Hey, he's so cool but... what about so-and-so that he really cares about?'

Story of my life. Well, not really. I don't remember half of my life. Oh, I'm glaring again. If I'm not careful someone will come ask if I'm ok. God forbid, if I hear those words one more time I may have to-

"Are you ok, Yugi?"

Aaaargh!! I just want to rip their eyes out and say, 'Are you completely BLIND?! I'm not Yugi!! Look, see, I'm a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, you idiot!'. Oh, if only we didn't look so similar.

I don't even know why I bother anymore.

"I'm fine, Tea. What's wrong?"

Broken, this fragile thing now
and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces.
And I've thrown my words all around,
but I can't, I can't give you a reason.

My voice is twisted, my smile fake and transparent. Come on, I'm practically jumping up and down in front of their eyes! I never realized everybody was so blind. They see what they want to see.

But Tea knows. I can see it in her eyes. She's not like the others, all going, 'why's Yugi so different suddenly?'. She can see who I really am. But - and this makes me so mad - she doesn't say because she wants things to stay how they are, with me and my fake identity, because nobody wants to accept that I'm not really Yugi at all.

"Oh, it's... it's nothing. Yugi."

There we go again. She says the name 'Yugi' separate, because she knows it doesn't fit. I walk away. She's a clever girl, but - stupid stupid stupid - she'd rather have me suffer than reveal to everybody else what's actually going on.

That's what I thought too at the start, I guess. When I heard his grandfather's voice outside the Puzzle, so scared, and all his friends, and everybody all waiting for little Yugi to come back...

It'd taken them long enough to worry. I'd been staring blankly at him - his body - all night before they realized that perhaps Yugi wasn't going to wake up. Then I heard all their voices and I don't know, I guess I was thinking something stupid and heroic like, 'I owe it to him to be strong for his friends'.

Idiot, idiot, idiot. And, yes, that's me I'm talking about. Everything is so much worse now. Tea doesn't even call after me, and I round the corner. Gone. Safe. Alone.

I'm always alone.

I was never alone before.

I can glare all I want now. It's not enough. I turn and punch the wall, and it relieves some anger, but still not enough. And I have to stop, or I'll hurt myself and Grandpa - Yugi's grandfather - will be worried.

It's scaring me, how I keep using those little phrases. Am I turning into him? That's not what I wanted.

I don't know what I wanted.

Nothing's been clear since it happened, and I looked down at him and thought, 'Right. Well. That's it. He's gone.' I felt nothing. I bet doctors could mull over it for hours and eventually come up with some lengthy explanation of shock and trauma but-

Why is everybody so BLIND?!

I scream it at the sky, all worry about someone overhearing disintegrating into raw emotion. God, I can't take it anymore! I'm living his life, and NOBODY HAS EVEN NOTICED!!!

Here I go
scream my lungs out and try to get to you,
you are my only one.
I let go

I step out of my skin and look back at myself. I'm clawing at my hair, fair twisted with hate and underlying sorrow.

Is this what I've become?

It's so obvious that I'm not Yugi. Look at me; would Yugi ever scream like that? Would he kick the wall and scream obscenities at the sky like that? Well, I don't know, because I was always there to do that for him and-

Oh, here come the tears again. Hooray. Since when did life become so warped?

I miss you, Yugi. I miss you for every second that I smile at your friends, for every moment I lie awake in bed, for every time I hear somebody call me by your name.

I miss you so much it hurts, and I stop eating because I never had to before...

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!!!

I feel so broken up (so broken up),
and I give up (I give up),
I just wanna tell you so you know..

Why? It's a question I've asked many times before. Why me? Why you? What point has this to serve? Am I supposed to go mad, because it sure looks like I'm going to at this rate because I'm losing my self control so fast and I can't keep pretending like this because everybody's so blind and I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe-

Oh. I'm calm again. And it's hours later, and the moon shines through the bedroom window at me.

Hmm. That keeps happening.

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next day

I hate the birds.

They sing and fly, free and happy, all the time. They can escape. I'm stuck here, tied down by everybody and all the pressure they put me under. I can't stand it.

But you already knew that.

I'm in another calm phase, thank god, sitting by a tree in a field somewhere where I can be alone. Funny; whenever I'm with people I long to be alone and, now that I am, I just want company again.

Sigh.

The birdsong hurts my ears, and I find myself missing the Puzzle again. Not the actual thing - it's round my neck, same as always - but the soul room inside it. So quiet and peaceful. I can't enter it anymore, not since Yugi died.

Ooh, look, there, I said it. He died. He's dead. And hey, no tears this time. Yay me.

Sigh.

I'm going to start walking again. I can't bear to stay in one place for too long. I wish it would rain - of course, the sun is shining full strength, spitefully - then I could be depressed around other people and nobody would really notice.

Nobody notices any of the small things - why is Yugi suddenly taller? Why does he look slightly different? - but one gloomy expression in public and I'm buried in concern. That's what makes it unbearable.

"Yugi! Hey, Yug'! Can you even hear me?"

I cringe. Just when I was beginning to feel a bit free.

"What is it?"

Joey is out of breath - he must have been searching for me for some time. I wonder what he would do if I just told him to get lost? But then there would be more concern, and soft words, and hurt expressions, until I lost it and tried to kill someone.

"I've been yelling for the past five minutes, Yug'. Are you completely deaf all of a sudden?"

I turn away. I'm sick of pretending.

Made my mistakes, let you down
and I can't, I can't hold on for too long.
Ran my whole life in the ground
and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone.

"Yugi? What's wrong, man?"

What do I say? I can't put on a false smile anymore, it's too sickening. I can't say what I feel like saying. I can't do nothing, or he'll get worried.

Compromise.

"Nothing's wrong, Joey." But I don't smile. What a lie. The frustration is rising again and we've barely been talking for two minutes.

"You seem so out of it lately, that's all. I've been talking to Tea, and she agrees. It's like you're a completely different person since the accident."

I turn to look at him. Does he see, too? Is he testing me? I can't read his expression. I used to know him so well, but now everything's blurred. Nothing fits... I've been staring for a while now, I have to answer.

Why is every conversation like a marathon?

"What am I supposed to say?"

Oops, I said that out loud. Ah well, his turn now. Let's see how he reacts. He looks down and closes his eyes for a minute, either struggling to find a response or struggling to say it.

We're both sinking now. I want to be alone again. No... what I really want, is to be alone with Yugi again. I was never alone alone before. Wait, did I say that already? Well, that makes it twice as meaningful.

"You're..." he chokes on the words, "...you're supposed to say what Yugi would say." Then he turns and walks away.

And I know,
you can see right through me,
So let me go,
and you will find someone.

I don't follow him. Instead, I turn away, and carry on walking. This is only a small field; I could probably circle it ten times before I have to get back home. Back to Yugi's home.

Curse those birds.

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END

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Yu-gi-oh! and all affiliated characters and trademarks are copyrighted to Kazuki Takahashi. This story is unofficial.

Song lyrics; Only One, by Yellowcard

Reviews are appreciated.