(MandELLA: would you really give me virtual cookies for that?  I have a different idea, but if I could get some nice, fake, gooey yummy-ness….)

It was like sinking in darkness, squishy and warm and then being thrust into the epitome of light.  A million voices screamed around me and I felt my body fly to seemingly nowhere.  It was literally the calm before a storm as I drifted calmly in a river of nothing.  Then my body was thrust in a rocket of noise into a mass of trees that poked and prodded, slapped and whacked.  I bruised and bled, screaming obnoxiously all the way.

"OOF!"  I gasped as I slammed into the forest floor.  I whimpered softly as I stared into the trees towering overhead.  "My back," I muttered, "it's broken."

Michelle stood above me.  "I forgot that non-magical people find this a rather violent travel."

"Where the Hell am I?!"  The man sat up quickly, his face contorted in a mixture of terror and fury.

"Not Hell, 'cause we're definitely out of that bathroom."  I groaned.

He stood and brushed himself off, still holding his gun shakily in his right hand.  Michelle pulled me to my feet.  He pointed his weapon at me. 

"I want to know where I am!"  His voice cracked.

"That makes two of us so far.  Do you know, Michelle?"  I asked my fairy-friend.

"Not really.  I know that we're in Kyrria, not another country."

"I thought the planet was called Kyrria."

"Well, no, not really, but that's how it's commonly referred to as in America."

"I suppose a lot of Americans talk about it."

"No.  But… oh, anyway.  We've got to find out where we are."

The man ran his fingers through his hair, very disgruntled.  His gun was still pointed at me.

"Point that somewhere else, d'you mind?"  I commanded.

He lowered it to his side.  "What's going on?"

"It's very complicated.  If I was sure, I'd explain it, but I'm not, so…."

The man trudged over to me on wobbly feet and grabbed my shoulders.  He shook me.  "Tell me where the" Really, bad, naughty word, "I am!"

"Don't say anything you don't want to!"  Michelle said automatically.

"Let go of me and I'll tell you as much as I know."  I glared at him. 

He reluctantly parted company with my shoulders.  "Okay."

"Michelle is a fairy.  I am cursed.  We came to a planet where we might be safer and more understood.  You just happened to be in the bathroom at the same time."

The man almost relaxed.  "At least the cops aren't coming for me anymore."  He grinned sardonically.

"That's the spirit, Mick." 

"His name is Mick?"  Michelle asked.

"I don't know what his name is, what do you want me to call him?"

"Oh, I don't care."  Michelle shrugged.  "I just couldn't remember him telling you."

"My name is Chad."  He said, turning slightly red as he admitted it.

"That's not a boring name."  I pointed out.

"It's my middle name."  He explained, examining his gun.

"What's your first?"  I asked.

"Dinner!"  A booming voice came from behind me.

"That's not boring," I said, turning around, "that's just stupid-."  I stopped, mouth dropping.  Six huge, ugly, creatures had come behind us.  Michelle's eyes bulged as she screamed.

"OGRES!" 

"Huh?!"  Chad was backing away. 

"Shoot them!"  I shouted.

"I can't!"  Chad moaned.

"Why not?" 

"It's not loaded!"  Chad began to run.

"WHAT!?" 

"JUST RUN!"

"Come on Michelle!" 

"You don't want to run."

"Yes I do."  I spat.  But Chad and Michelle had stopped; listening to the ogre's honeyed tones.  "Run you bozos!"  They looked torn. 

"I can give you your heart's desires.  Everything you ever wanted… it's all here."  The ogre continued, and even I could see a reason to stand still, but not enough.

I grabbed Michelle's hand and started yanking her away. 

"Stop!"  The ogre commanded.  I froze. 

"I hate you."  I grunted.  "I really do."

"That's too bad, because you'll make an excellent meal."  He grinned, baring decaying teeth.

"Have you ever heard of toothpaste?"

"No."  The ogre frowned.  "What's that?"

"Hygiene."  I said.  Michelle and Chad allowed themselves to become fettered while I was frozen.  "Something you've not heard of either."

I was right.  It didn't even take a full afternoon for me to realize how smelly they really were.  Chad and Michelle snapped out of their stupefied states after only a few minutes.  Chad shook his head, muttering and Michelle cried quietly.  I realized that we were going to die that evening as the ogres prepared their cooking fire.

"Qui premier?"

"Je ne sais pas."

"Cela ne fait rien."  Their words were slippery and smooth but oddly familiar.

"Ah!  French!"  I cried in delight.  Though, they were pronouncing a lot more than they were supposed to.  "Voulez-vous manger mon ananas?"           

The ogres burst into laughter.  I had asked them if they wanted to eat my pineapple.

"I like this one.  She seems to think she knows our language."

"We'll eat her last, then."

"You're not really hungry."  I said, trying to imitate their way of convincing people.  "In fact, you're actually quite full."

"No, we're not."  One said stubbornly.

"Do you call that baby fat?"  I asked.  I shook my head.  No, I had to sound persuasive.  "No, that is the fat of a thousand satisfying meals still digesting."

"A thousand?"  One ogre began to salivate heavily.

"Erm… you've already eaten all of them."  I mumbled.  I added in a soothing voice: "But you are so content and tired now that you have no desire to eat more, lest you explode!" 

"Boom."  Chad demonstrated.

"Lay off the sound effects, wacko."  I grunted.  "Now you all want to sleep.  You're all so tired.  And while you're sleeping, my friends and I will get a lot of yummy food for you."

The ogres sat down and their eyes drooped.  I couldn't believe my luck.  I almost cheered, but feared that might break what little spell I had cast.  Michelle's eyes were saucers as she looked on. 

"Now what?"  Chad mouthed.

I shrugged.  "No idea."  I whispered.  "Can we run away, even with these bonds?"

"Yes."  Michelle said, surprising even herself.

"How?"  Chad frowned.

"I'm a fairy, remember?"  She shook her head.  "Part fairy, anyway."

"And that does…?"  Chad frowned.  "Oh wait!  You have magic!"

She smiled.  "I'm just bad at using it."

I groaned.  "Do it fast, because the ogres are waking up."

"Right."  Michelle started chewing her bonds.

"You call that magic?"  Chad asked hysterically.

"No, I call it thinking time while getting something done."  She mumbled and went back to nibbling.  I decided there was no harm in that so I joined her by biting my own.  Chad muttered incessantly to himself about lunatics and weird, weird dreams.

"Got it!" 

"You untied it by chewing?"  I was aghast; my chewing hadn't done a thing.

"Unveil Nothing Then Inspire Everything!"  She sang.  "High Evolution Like Idioms Under Monsoons!"  She punched the air as her bonds came undone.  I noticed a bizarre mist creeping through the nostrils of the ogres as they breathed heavily.  

"What the f-."  Chad was cut off.

"HA!  WE'VE GOT YOU NOW YOU KNAVES!"  About twenty knights gallivanted into our clearing and the ogres jerked to life.  They were still groggy but they seemed to be registering what was going on. 

"You don't want to…."  An ogre squeaked and then grabbed his throat.  "Is that my voice?  Oh dear!  That really is my voice!"  He began to cry like an extremely ugly baby.  The ogres all tested their high-pitched voices and began to wail.  They even allowed themselves to be tied up.

"WHO ARE YOU?"  A knight shouted at me.

"I AM ME!  WHO ARE YOU?"  I shouted at the silver-clad being.

"Oh, right."  He pulled yellow stuff out of his ears.  Ew.  Use a q-tip you freak.  "Sorry.  Who are you, dear lady?"

"I am Cathy."  I bowed low to the ground.  The knights roared with laughter.  "And these are my slaves, Charad and Michellie-Poo."

"Cathy, don't be a ditz."  Michelle rolled her eyes.  "This is real, you know."

I blushed.  "Actually, I was going on the hopes that I would soon wake up."

"Crap, me too."  Chad took his gun, put it to his head and pulled the trigger.  "Pow."  He said.

"Did you ever have bullets in that thing?"  I asked.

"No."

"That's crap."

"I thought so."

"Wait up there, who are you people for true?"  The knight scratched his furry head.  He was fully bearded and blonde.  He looked like a ball of blonde fluff. 

"I am Michelle, this is Cathy and this is Chad."  Michelle quickly rounded off.  "We are lost travelers.  Could you take us to the capitol?"

"Possibly.  What's in it for us?"  An older knight from the back called out.

"Shut thine mouth, Sir Stephan."  Said blonde knight.  "I am Sir Mildred.  I will take you to the capitol.  What business have you there, Lady Michelle?"

"I am looking for my father, Cathy is looking for Ella and Chad is…."

"Just stuck with us."  I supplied.

(Note: I know what I want to do, I just don't want to do it yet.  I'm having trouble bridging it and I'm psycho-busy.  If there is a huge demand for more I might write some.  I put some spiffy stuff in here, if you notice it, feel free to say "aha!" and email me to ask.  I did it for my readers who enjoy such shenanigans.  Iif you are interested in hearing an idea of mine, please email me.)