Title: Bad Moon Rising
Book: Harry Potter Series
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Author: Green Bird
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but, if I did. I'd kill Cho.
Rating: PG-13
Note: (Happens somewhere during book #4, just so you know. Early November
I figured, before Sirius talked to Harry in the fire.) Remus is having a
horrible time transforming and he feels he is growing dangerously out of
control in the time of the full moon. In desperation he calls his only
comfort, Sirius. Slash. Little violence. Limes sooner or later. Angst.
Lots of it. Swathed in it like BBQ sauce baby! O_o.
_________________________________________________________________
Old Stings
______________
A half an hour later found Sirius sitting back in the shabby run-down kitchen, clean robes on and two combs magically attacking his head. He winced as their small black teeth dug into his scalp, fighting hard to tear the tangles out of his still damp hair.
Lupin stood a few feet away, waiting for his charmed combs to finish the battle and about to charm a pair of scissors.
"If you don't mind Moony. . . could I ask you to just do that manually? The combs aren't steel blades and although I trust your charming skills. . ." He winked at the almost double-meaning phrase, "I would rather your hands do the dangerous work."
"Better with the blades in my hands?" Remus raised an eyebrow to him. "It's going to be uneven. . . I've never cut anyone's hair."
"I believe in you Moony!" Sirius called dramatically, breaking a smile over his face. "And when have I ever given a damn about uneven hair."
"It was your prize possession in school."
"Ah yes but I learned to deal in Azkaban. I grew a mop."
Remus diverted his eyes quickly at the mention of the prison. Sirius noticed and sighed. "Look Reem. . . I don't want you to be nervous about that. There's too much stress on you already."
"I'm sorry. . ."
"Don't," Sirius snatched one of the combs that was trying to groom his eyebrow, "you dare apologize. Just don't worry."
"It's hard for me you know. . . not to worry. It's just habit by now." The scissors had found there way to Sirius's hair and Lupin slowly began to trim away the ends of the long tattered strands. The Animagius's hair was split and looked a bit burnt. Remus scowled and cut off several inches.
It wasn't long until the floor was littered with ebony strands of hair. Sirius had taken up to humming another muggle song that the werewolf did not know. As he cut Remus found that for the first time in fifteen years he was actually close to Black. He was combing his hair with his fingers, brushing wayward strands off of his shoulders, listening to his warm voice purr an unknown tune. . . And he smiled. For the first time in several, several months, he was happy to be with someone.
In ten minutes thin hands tussled a shaggy black head, waving the locks about crazily. "You're done. Let's see how horrible I am."
Sirius stood and turned, tipping his head and brushing his hair into a part. "How do I look? Absolutely dashing?"
Lupin nodded at his handy-work. He would never be a muggle barber, but he did rather well at trimming back the messy mane that had been Sirius's head.
"Yes, Sirius, quite dashing."
. . .
"So you mean to tell me that you've been home-brewing your own batch of Wolfsbane potion for the past four moons?"
Black was eyeing the bottles of ingredients that Lupin had in stock near his bubbling pot of Wolfsbane that he had been making in an almost continual schedule.
"Yes exactly."
"And you've been taking it faithfully?" Sirius cast him a skeptical glance and Lupin sighed.
"I took my last dose last night before you arrived."
"Right okay. . ." The convict lifted another bottle and glared at it, the murky contents swimming. "Are you sure you've been doing it right. . . is it suppose to smell like that?" A pointed nose wrinkled at the rather rancid smell that the cauldron was giving off, and rather sadly Lupin nodded again.
"It's right. I've owled Severus twice about brewing and he said that I was correct in the process. . ."
"Wait hold on!" The dog spun about, obviously surprised. "You're trusting Severus? The guy that threatened to throw you back in prison with me? The hell are you thinking Reem? He's not going to help you! That's your problem!"
Remus shook his head. "No I've thought of that and apparently so did he. He's had Dumbledore back each of his replies."
Black blinked harshly but discontinued his attack. Dumbledore would never wish anything bad on Remus. "Why didn't you just write to the Potions Concoction Board in the Ministry?"
Lupin heaved a sigh and stirred the thick goo in the bowl. It bubbled irritably. "The Board would have known why I was concocting the potion and would most likely send me a form for a pedigree instead."
Sirius picked up the bitterness in the statement and frowned. Half-blood's rights were being slowly hacked away by the corrupting Ministry. Before very long he was sure that Remus would be getting even more trouble from their government then any centaur or giant would be prone to.
"I'm sorry, it was a stupid suggestion." Black put the bottle back and turned in time to see a distinct shiver rack Lupin. "You okay?"
"Just cold."
"The moon, huh?"
Lupin was concentrating hard on the mixture before him and said nothing.
"You're really doing worse then you're putting off aren't you?" Black's voice was deep with concern. "Stop holding up the shield. I can't help you from out here."
The werewolf swallowed and nodded. His eyes were stinging; a common symptom. If he followed the schedule he would have small muscle spasms and insomnia that night and be in pain that next morning. In three nights he would then have to survive the torture he had come to know. . .
"Don't be alone in this Moony. Let me help you."
Remus smiled and discontinued his stirring. He turned to his counterpart and motioned to the sitting room. "Then help me get my mind off of this."
. . .
Quidditch seemed to be the only thing that the two men that could discuss that didn't bring up awkward pauses from one of them. They discussed the Quidditch Cup and the foreign teams that were now competing with Europe's own in the matches. The Beijing Pen Dragons and the Australian Burras were making quite the scene in the Quidditch World, although the American Vexes and Canadian Coddwins were giving them a run for their money. Bulgaria and Ireland however were nearly unstoppable; it would be several years before a foreign team won the Cup.
Conversation jumped to the Ministry and Sirius marveled at the calm air that Remus talked about the pedigree laws that were being pushed for Half- bloods and Muggle-borns in the Ministry. How the centaurs were refusing all attempts to make treaties under circumstances that the both actually believed unfair. How there were new magical species that were surfacing that could not have been made by crossbreeding; such as the wood Elves in Eastern Europe that competed with men in size and were said to be almost as beautiful as Veela. There were also the new species of wingless dragon in North America named the Sogorains that were smaller. . . (well the size of a horse) that were far more cunning then their larger cousins. They even touched on how there seemed to be a booming population of Incubi in Brazil.
"Not to mention how the vampires are spreading themselves out. . . The Ministry is working with the Americas at tracking their growing population of them. Seems that there's more and more of them in New Orleans, New York, and our Amsterdam then ever before. They're looking into extermination rights."
"I'll bet the bloodsuckers aren't too happy about that."
"Yes, it looks as though we're on the verge of a bit of a Revolution. . ."
After they had finished of several cups of tea and Sirius nearly ate all the groceries that Remus had picked up that morning they discovered that their list of small talk had saturated. Their conversation wound down and wound deeper, and despite how the both of them wanted to stay away from certain subjects. . . they were magnetized to them all the same.
"It was fourteen years last week. . ." Sirius suddenly muttered from his seat in a moth-eaten armchair across from Lupin. Buckbeak was sleeping; his head nestled down near Black's feet.
"I know." Remus sighed, voice a soft waft. "I can't go a Halloween without reliving. . ."
"What was it like for you?" Sirius was gazing very solemnly at his friend. "I've never even heard anything from you a week prior."
The werewolf pressed fingers to his lips in silent contemplation. "It was utter confusion. I didn't know what to think. The Order was in disarray and I received the news through Emmeline Vance. She was quite torn up but got to me as quickly as she could. But when I arrived there none of the Order was there going through the mess but you." He swallowed once to rid himself of the lump in his throat. "Hagrid had already left with Harry on your bike. I remember seeing you tearing through that pile of debris. . . and the second you found James. . ."
"I tore out of there after Peter. Never said a word to you did I?" He was drilling Lupin with his eyes and the graying man was almost quailing under them.
"I didn't know what happened. . . I thought what the rest of the Order did; you did it. It was your fault. but then why were you crying as you lifted him out? Why would you have ever betrayed the most important person in your life? I didn't know. And when Peter staged his death I was left under the impression that it had all been under some spell's control. . ."
"I should have told you that night. I never should have left without saying a word." Black shook his head. "I saw you there at the edge of the house with Emmeline. I saw that look on your face, a sort of pained surprise. I was so scared and angry at so many things. beyond the fact that James was dead in my arms, that Lilly was beside him, that Harry had been taken off, beyond the fact that Peter had been the snake, but that you were innocent like me; that I had betrayed our friendship by leaving you out of our friend's fate. It was too much for me to take in at one time. . . you've got to understand Moony," There was a sudden urgency and pain in Sirius's voice as he strove to explain, "I was so scared of what I had done. . . how'd I'd upset everything and caused James' death. . ."
"Stop it." Lupin held up his hand. "Don't think that for one moment. You didn't do it. It was a mistake but you're not the reason James died. You're not the reason Peter sided against us. It's not your fault by any means."
"I left my trust to someone unworthy of it rather then with my own friend that I once entrusted all my soul. . ." Sirius was no longer focusing on him, but on the floor, which was now soiled with the remnants of Buckbeak's food.
/Yes./ Remus watched his empty fireplace across the room. It was too cold. He needed a fire. /I had all your soul. . ./ "Once."
He wasn't aware that he'd even said it aloud until Black covered his eyes with his hand and cursed. Slowly he looked up across at him, noticing the pinched expression on Lupin's lined face. "Oh God Moony. . . I'm so sorry. I come to help you and all I do is dig up those bones."
The werewolf closed his eyes that were beginning to acutely sting in habit. "It's better to hear you speak about those bones then to having myself trying to bury them again."
. . .
The floorboard's groaned as the werewolf moved across his lounge room. Midnight seemed long ago when roaming the house, but time had barely moved on. The snoring mass that had been Buckbeak lifted his great head to gaze at him, golden eyes shining questioningly.
"Can't sleep Buckbeak." Remus heard himself mutter, voice weak and tired. "I'm not trying anything." The hippogriff gave an indignant huff and set his head back to his claws.
In the hallway the man stopped his walking and leaned against the wall, sighing heavily. Breathing was beginning to become a task now and he was exhausted from merely being awake.
A few feet away in the wall was the door to Sirius's bedroom. To whatever higher power that would hear to it, the werewolf prayed that he wouldn't wake him. Black was certain to be upset about his restlessness, and he didn't want Sirius feeling useless when there was nothing he could do to assist.
There was a sudden tightening in his stomach and he moaned as he noticed the oncoming seizure. Willing himself upright once again, Lupin struggled into his kitchen and sat at the table. His breath caught as he bent in the chair, pressing a clammy forehead against the glossed wood of the tabletop. A fitful spasm shook him, all of his muscles cramping at once and then releasing only in time to repeat the process again. Thin fingers gripped the table's edge and he waited in pain until it weakened and finally ceased.
Lupin whined against the table's surface. His eyes were shut and he felt a distinct throb in his head. The moon was still two nights away, and this looked to be the worse of his transformations yet.
/If only I knew why. . ./ His shoulders were nearly heaving in effort to breathe properly. /And with Sirius here. . . maybe it wasn't a good idea to ask him to come. He could be in serious danger when I transform./
- No, you need him here. If he can't help heal your transformations then he can at least help heal your pain. -
He smiled at the thought. He could never heal all the aches that their past had sewn. The seed had been planted years ago when their subtle feelings had become more open. . . it was some sort of dream in school, to be so close. But, as soon as hell broke loose in their world whatever small fantasy they'd held fast to was thrown into reality.
And. . . that bud that they had abandoned had grown in the back of Remus' mind all those years. Surely, he didn't feel the same as before. Thirteen years was a long time. People changed.
But still. . . from what he had seen. Sirius still held Padfoot deep inside him, still as strong as ever. Yet there was that pain in seeing him, that pain in knowing that there could have been a future. . . there could have been a happy ending to that old dream.
Remus laughed softly, fighting the nausea back that the motion of his abdomen caused. "This isn't some muggle fairytale. This isn't some idealistic dream."
. . .
Sirius shifted under the miraculously soft sheets on his bed that was nestled against the wall. The guest room that he was staying in was obviously magically expanded. It was quite large and more then he'd ever have hoped for.
Sighing into a pillow he relished the comfort he hadn't felt in years. He was cleanly shaven and pleasant enough smelling, and for once he felt safe, nestled under an old friend's wing.
Why then. . . couldn't he sleep?
"Ah Moony. . ." He breathed lightly. Oh course, he was so worried about Remus. Remus who looked decades older than he should, Remus who had survived everything the years despite the odds. Remus who's eyes swam in pain whenever he caught them.
There had always been sorrow in the werewolf's eyes. . . but the pain that he had seen in the last few days with this older Remus. . . it was frightening. What did he expect? This life that he had lived was a cruel and vicious one.
Rolling onto his back, the Animagus stared up at the ceiling. How was he going to help? He didn't even know what was wrong; but he'd do whatever he could to find out.
-"For now, that's all I ask."-
"Is it?" Dark eyes blinked at the swimming shadows that criss-crossed the white-wash surface. "Is that really all you want?"
. . .
From the place he stood in the door's frame, the nearly full moon glowed ominously from its hiding place behind a sparse cloud, looming and forbidding. At least, to him it was. The werewolf leant against the splintered wood, glad that his trembles had ceased long enough for him to move to the door.
The night's crisp wind broke on his face, and his lungs were overjoyed at the prospect of the air that soothed their cramping, despite the cost of body temperature. Tired lids darkened his aching eyes. For a rare moment, sleep tamed him.
~
"Hey Moony!" His bed bowed as Sirius made a flying leap onto it, the force of the seventeen year-old boy causing several arranged homework papers to fly up. "We won the Quidditch Cup again! The Common room's in a frenzy." Padfoot's whole body was wagging in joy. "Fenn's brought out some drinks he's had in hiding, they've got them bubbling like mad. You have to come down!"
"I don't want to." He didn't. A thin hand snared a floating paper on Rootworm and placed it quickly into its place.
"James wants you down there. . . you could at least go down for him."
"He'll see me tonight when he comes upstairs."
"But Reem. . ."
"James doesn't care if I attend or not." Remus glared at Sirius stiffly. "He won't notice."
Black pulled his long hair almost restlessly, frown forming at the realization. "You not feeling good then?"
"I'm fine." Remus replied sternly, shoving parchment into his bag.
Padfoot saw through it. "Why aren't you coming down? The real reason."
"Sirius. . ." He warned softly, his friend slipped up his bed, drawing close with a genuinely concerned look painted on him.
"Moony. . ." A hand brushed his shoulder.
"Leave it." He shoved the hand away, alarming Black. "Do you even know what it's like to be alone in a crowd?"
"What. . . is that it?" "I'm. . . sick of. . . I don't know."
"Smiling when crying?" Sirius suggested, thinking it was the stupidest thing he had ever said, but felt relieved when Lupin gave a small nod.
"More or less." He moved to stand up, but Padfoot prevented it, pulling him down, and whether he liked it or not; into his arms.
"You know. . ." he whispered, hugging him close to his chest. Remus felt the blood rush to his face. "You don't have to smile around me."
Moony laughed softly, but remained where he was. Sirius was warm and comfortable, and right now. . . it seemed that there was the only place he belonged. His humor turned into a happy sigh as his shoulders were rubbed in comfort.
"I can't believe you." Padfoot muttered after a minute, pulling back to stare at his friend. Was that hurt in his voice? That was an odd occurrence. "How could you say you're alone?" Remus whimpered softly as Sirius gently kissed him. ". . .after I promised you you'd never be?"
~
The spell of sleep he had been entranced in diffused into the darkness as he awoke. A small cry passed his slightly parted lips. For one reason, he had seen sleep, and for a second, he had dreamt the only thing that caused more pain then the luminous moon.
"Remus?"
His body jerked in alarm and he spun quickly to the sounding of his name. Too quickly for the state of rest it had been holding. His leg folded under him and giving a gasp of surprise he fell. When he hit the floor, it didn't feel the way he suspected it would. Perhaps that was because Sirius had nearly dove to catch him and respectfully missed, only landing on the ground a second before Remus.
Quickly, Black twisted to gently push Lupin up on his knees, a look of absolute alarm and concern on his face. somewhat like an aged mirror of the face in his dream.
"Reem. . . Reem are you alright? I'm so sorry for sneaking up on you like that. . ."
"It's alright." He breathed, attempting to lift himself off the icy floor. Thin, yet strong hands straightened him instead. He tottered for a moment on his feet and Sirius's hold on him remained. "Why are you awake?"
"Why do you keep asking my questions?" Black's hair was wild about his head, newly-trimmed sable scattered about his gaunt face.
"It is difficult to sleep. . ." He assured; the answer was not appeasing his questioner.
"Then why didn't you wake me up? You shouldn't be wandering around alone."
"I don't want to bother you." Remus tried to push Sirius' hands off, but this time they weren't letting go.
"What bothers me Lupin. . ." Oh that horrible word again. . . "Is that I wake up to hear you crying in pain." There was anger there, but not so much as a tangible despair. "I'm supposed to be helping you."
"Then please, Black, let me go."
Sirius drew his hands back as if stung. Remus put his arm out against the frame of the open door and steadied himself, casting his look away from the man before him.
Lupin's throat tightened and he inwardly screamed at himself. How dare he strike out at the one person that was more then willing to help! He shivered as the wind swept through the door. Sirius suddenly moved back and away, and from where he had positioned his head downward, Remus could not see where he went.
Footsteps came forward again and he found himself being wrapped in a blanket. It was still warm; from Padfoot's bed. Black carefully wound it around his shoulders. When the werewolf felt how his hands were cautious to touch him, avoiding any physical discomfort, he spoke.
"Padfoot. . ." The wolf breathed softly as his body was wrought with tremors. That name. . . how brilliant to say that name. "Padfoot, I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Sirius's voice was monotone and somewhat distanced.
He meant to say something more. . . something about him not wanting him to have let go. . . how he really wanted nothing more; but the cold that had taken him was too much. Whining softly, all of his will shattered like a dropped glass; he didn't want to be Remus Lupin anymore, he wanted to be. . .
"Moony. . ." Sirius had moved closer, bringing one arm up and around him and pulling him in. "God, you're freezing."
The werewolf leaned in to the offer of his friend's embrace. Turning so that his back was pressed against a heated, yet slender chest. Two protective arms enfolded over his, locking him in an envelope of warmth.
With each passing shiver, Sirius gave him a firm squeeze as if to extract it from his trembling body. Forgetting whatever barriers they had set up, Black let his head fall forward to rest his chin on the shoulder before him.
"I'm so weak. . ." The wolf muttered.
"Weak?" Padfoot sounded amused at this. "You're stronger then anything Moony. . . you've endured everything alone. . ."
There was a rustle of the wind as it pushed the cloud covering across the glowing night sky.
"I've tried not to."
The moon peered its eye down on them, and the werewolf stiffened at its gaze. The dog held to him protectively and glared at the whitened orb. Slowly he put his mouth to Moony's ear.
"It's three nights then?" Was the soft question he presented.
"Yes," he breathed, "three nights."
Padfoot shifted his embrace. A hand moved to cover one of Moony's that clutched a corner of the blanket he was entwined in.
"Promise me that you're not alone."
A soft smile grew on Moony's face. "Promise."
~
*~ TBC ~*
.
_________________________________________________________________
Heh. I'm such a Drama Queen when I write. Ever just read something you wrote and then afterward, say to yourself that it's sappy enough to make maple syrup?
On the conversation they were having about the critters and species. I inserted a few fun write-ins for my own amusement. Like the elves of Tolkien, the Vampires of New Orleans, and my own Sogorains. (Very common in original works I do, as they are my children.) Write-ins are great. They lower cholesterol.
Next chapter will come in a long while. Sorry. Will you still love and review me? I need it for fuel.
Arigatou ~ Green Bird
Book: Harry Potter Series
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Author: Green Bird
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but, if I did. I'd kill Cho.
Rating: PG-13
Note: (Happens somewhere during book #4, just so you know. Early November
I figured, before Sirius talked to Harry in the fire.) Remus is having a
horrible time transforming and he feels he is growing dangerously out of
control in the time of the full moon. In desperation he calls his only
comfort, Sirius. Slash. Little violence. Limes sooner or later. Angst.
Lots of it. Swathed in it like BBQ sauce baby! O_o.
_________________________________________________________________
Old Stings
______________
A half an hour later found Sirius sitting back in the shabby run-down kitchen, clean robes on and two combs magically attacking his head. He winced as their small black teeth dug into his scalp, fighting hard to tear the tangles out of his still damp hair.
Lupin stood a few feet away, waiting for his charmed combs to finish the battle and about to charm a pair of scissors.
"If you don't mind Moony. . . could I ask you to just do that manually? The combs aren't steel blades and although I trust your charming skills. . ." He winked at the almost double-meaning phrase, "I would rather your hands do the dangerous work."
"Better with the blades in my hands?" Remus raised an eyebrow to him. "It's going to be uneven. . . I've never cut anyone's hair."
"I believe in you Moony!" Sirius called dramatically, breaking a smile over his face. "And when have I ever given a damn about uneven hair."
"It was your prize possession in school."
"Ah yes but I learned to deal in Azkaban. I grew a mop."
Remus diverted his eyes quickly at the mention of the prison. Sirius noticed and sighed. "Look Reem. . . I don't want you to be nervous about that. There's too much stress on you already."
"I'm sorry. . ."
"Don't," Sirius snatched one of the combs that was trying to groom his eyebrow, "you dare apologize. Just don't worry."
"It's hard for me you know. . . not to worry. It's just habit by now." The scissors had found there way to Sirius's hair and Lupin slowly began to trim away the ends of the long tattered strands. The Animagius's hair was split and looked a bit burnt. Remus scowled and cut off several inches.
It wasn't long until the floor was littered with ebony strands of hair. Sirius had taken up to humming another muggle song that the werewolf did not know. As he cut Remus found that for the first time in fifteen years he was actually close to Black. He was combing his hair with his fingers, brushing wayward strands off of his shoulders, listening to his warm voice purr an unknown tune. . . And he smiled. For the first time in several, several months, he was happy to be with someone.
In ten minutes thin hands tussled a shaggy black head, waving the locks about crazily. "You're done. Let's see how horrible I am."
Sirius stood and turned, tipping his head and brushing his hair into a part. "How do I look? Absolutely dashing?"
Lupin nodded at his handy-work. He would never be a muggle barber, but he did rather well at trimming back the messy mane that had been Sirius's head.
"Yes, Sirius, quite dashing."
. . .
"So you mean to tell me that you've been home-brewing your own batch of Wolfsbane potion for the past four moons?"
Black was eyeing the bottles of ingredients that Lupin had in stock near his bubbling pot of Wolfsbane that he had been making in an almost continual schedule.
"Yes exactly."
"And you've been taking it faithfully?" Sirius cast him a skeptical glance and Lupin sighed.
"I took my last dose last night before you arrived."
"Right okay. . ." The convict lifted another bottle and glared at it, the murky contents swimming. "Are you sure you've been doing it right. . . is it suppose to smell like that?" A pointed nose wrinkled at the rather rancid smell that the cauldron was giving off, and rather sadly Lupin nodded again.
"It's right. I've owled Severus twice about brewing and he said that I was correct in the process. . ."
"Wait hold on!" The dog spun about, obviously surprised. "You're trusting Severus? The guy that threatened to throw you back in prison with me? The hell are you thinking Reem? He's not going to help you! That's your problem!"
Remus shook his head. "No I've thought of that and apparently so did he. He's had Dumbledore back each of his replies."
Black blinked harshly but discontinued his attack. Dumbledore would never wish anything bad on Remus. "Why didn't you just write to the Potions Concoction Board in the Ministry?"
Lupin heaved a sigh and stirred the thick goo in the bowl. It bubbled irritably. "The Board would have known why I was concocting the potion and would most likely send me a form for a pedigree instead."
Sirius picked up the bitterness in the statement and frowned. Half-blood's rights were being slowly hacked away by the corrupting Ministry. Before very long he was sure that Remus would be getting even more trouble from their government then any centaur or giant would be prone to.
"I'm sorry, it was a stupid suggestion." Black put the bottle back and turned in time to see a distinct shiver rack Lupin. "You okay?"
"Just cold."
"The moon, huh?"
Lupin was concentrating hard on the mixture before him and said nothing.
"You're really doing worse then you're putting off aren't you?" Black's voice was deep with concern. "Stop holding up the shield. I can't help you from out here."
The werewolf swallowed and nodded. His eyes were stinging; a common symptom. If he followed the schedule he would have small muscle spasms and insomnia that night and be in pain that next morning. In three nights he would then have to survive the torture he had come to know. . .
"Don't be alone in this Moony. Let me help you."
Remus smiled and discontinued his stirring. He turned to his counterpart and motioned to the sitting room. "Then help me get my mind off of this."
. . .
Quidditch seemed to be the only thing that the two men that could discuss that didn't bring up awkward pauses from one of them. They discussed the Quidditch Cup and the foreign teams that were now competing with Europe's own in the matches. The Beijing Pen Dragons and the Australian Burras were making quite the scene in the Quidditch World, although the American Vexes and Canadian Coddwins were giving them a run for their money. Bulgaria and Ireland however were nearly unstoppable; it would be several years before a foreign team won the Cup.
Conversation jumped to the Ministry and Sirius marveled at the calm air that Remus talked about the pedigree laws that were being pushed for Half- bloods and Muggle-borns in the Ministry. How the centaurs were refusing all attempts to make treaties under circumstances that the both actually believed unfair. How there were new magical species that were surfacing that could not have been made by crossbreeding; such as the wood Elves in Eastern Europe that competed with men in size and were said to be almost as beautiful as Veela. There were also the new species of wingless dragon in North America named the Sogorains that were smaller. . . (well the size of a horse) that were far more cunning then their larger cousins. They even touched on how there seemed to be a booming population of Incubi in Brazil.
"Not to mention how the vampires are spreading themselves out. . . The Ministry is working with the Americas at tracking their growing population of them. Seems that there's more and more of them in New Orleans, New York, and our Amsterdam then ever before. They're looking into extermination rights."
"I'll bet the bloodsuckers aren't too happy about that."
"Yes, it looks as though we're on the verge of a bit of a Revolution. . ."
After they had finished of several cups of tea and Sirius nearly ate all the groceries that Remus had picked up that morning they discovered that their list of small talk had saturated. Their conversation wound down and wound deeper, and despite how the both of them wanted to stay away from certain subjects. . . they were magnetized to them all the same.
"It was fourteen years last week. . ." Sirius suddenly muttered from his seat in a moth-eaten armchair across from Lupin. Buckbeak was sleeping; his head nestled down near Black's feet.
"I know." Remus sighed, voice a soft waft. "I can't go a Halloween without reliving. . ."
"What was it like for you?" Sirius was gazing very solemnly at his friend. "I've never even heard anything from you a week prior."
The werewolf pressed fingers to his lips in silent contemplation. "It was utter confusion. I didn't know what to think. The Order was in disarray and I received the news through Emmeline Vance. She was quite torn up but got to me as quickly as she could. But when I arrived there none of the Order was there going through the mess but you." He swallowed once to rid himself of the lump in his throat. "Hagrid had already left with Harry on your bike. I remember seeing you tearing through that pile of debris. . . and the second you found James. . ."
"I tore out of there after Peter. Never said a word to you did I?" He was drilling Lupin with his eyes and the graying man was almost quailing under them.
"I didn't know what happened. . . I thought what the rest of the Order did; you did it. It was your fault. but then why were you crying as you lifted him out? Why would you have ever betrayed the most important person in your life? I didn't know. And when Peter staged his death I was left under the impression that it had all been under some spell's control. . ."
"I should have told you that night. I never should have left without saying a word." Black shook his head. "I saw you there at the edge of the house with Emmeline. I saw that look on your face, a sort of pained surprise. I was so scared and angry at so many things. beyond the fact that James was dead in my arms, that Lilly was beside him, that Harry had been taken off, beyond the fact that Peter had been the snake, but that you were innocent like me; that I had betrayed our friendship by leaving you out of our friend's fate. It was too much for me to take in at one time. . . you've got to understand Moony," There was a sudden urgency and pain in Sirius's voice as he strove to explain, "I was so scared of what I had done. . . how'd I'd upset everything and caused James' death. . ."
"Stop it." Lupin held up his hand. "Don't think that for one moment. You didn't do it. It was a mistake but you're not the reason James died. You're not the reason Peter sided against us. It's not your fault by any means."
"I left my trust to someone unworthy of it rather then with my own friend that I once entrusted all my soul. . ." Sirius was no longer focusing on him, but on the floor, which was now soiled with the remnants of Buckbeak's food.
/Yes./ Remus watched his empty fireplace across the room. It was too cold. He needed a fire. /I had all your soul. . ./ "Once."
He wasn't aware that he'd even said it aloud until Black covered his eyes with his hand and cursed. Slowly he looked up across at him, noticing the pinched expression on Lupin's lined face. "Oh God Moony. . . I'm so sorry. I come to help you and all I do is dig up those bones."
The werewolf closed his eyes that were beginning to acutely sting in habit. "It's better to hear you speak about those bones then to having myself trying to bury them again."
. . .
The floorboard's groaned as the werewolf moved across his lounge room. Midnight seemed long ago when roaming the house, but time had barely moved on. The snoring mass that had been Buckbeak lifted his great head to gaze at him, golden eyes shining questioningly.
"Can't sleep Buckbeak." Remus heard himself mutter, voice weak and tired. "I'm not trying anything." The hippogriff gave an indignant huff and set his head back to his claws.
In the hallway the man stopped his walking and leaned against the wall, sighing heavily. Breathing was beginning to become a task now and he was exhausted from merely being awake.
A few feet away in the wall was the door to Sirius's bedroom. To whatever higher power that would hear to it, the werewolf prayed that he wouldn't wake him. Black was certain to be upset about his restlessness, and he didn't want Sirius feeling useless when there was nothing he could do to assist.
There was a sudden tightening in his stomach and he moaned as he noticed the oncoming seizure. Willing himself upright once again, Lupin struggled into his kitchen and sat at the table. His breath caught as he bent in the chair, pressing a clammy forehead against the glossed wood of the tabletop. A fitful spasm shook him, all of his muscles cramping at once and then releasing only in time to repeat the process again. Thin fingers gripped the table's edge and he waited in pain until it weakened and finally ceased.
Lupin whined against the table's surface. His eyes were shut and he felt a distinct throb in his head. The moon was still two nights away, and this looked to be the worse of his transformations yet.
/If only I knew why. . ./ His shoulders were nearly heaving in effort to breathe properly. /And with Sirius here. . . maybe it wasn't a good idea to ask him to come. He could be in serious danger when I transform./
- No, you need him here. If he can't help heal your transformations then he can at least help heal your pain. -
He smiled at the thought. He could never heal all the aches that their past had sewn. The seed had been planted years ago when their subtle feelings had become more open. . . it was some sort of dream in school, to be so close. But, as soon as hell broke loose in their world whatever small fantasy they'd held fast to was thrown into reality.
And. . . that bud that they had abandoned had grown in the back of Remus' mind all those years. Surely, he didn't feel the same as before. Thirteen years was a long time. People changed.
But still. . . from what he had seen. Sirius still held Padfoot deep inside him, still as strong as ever. Yet there was that pain in seeing him, that pain in knowing that there could have been a future. . . there could have been a happy ending to that old dream.
Remus laughed softly, fighting the nausea back that the motion of his abdomen caused. "This isn't some muggle fairytale. This isn't some idealistic dream."
. . .
Sirius shifted under the miraculously soft sheets on his bed that was nestled against the wall. The guest room that he was staying in was obviously magically expanded. It was quite large and more then he'd ever have hoped for.
Sighing into a pillow he relished the comfort he hadn't felt in years. He was cleanly shaven and pleasant enough smelling, and for once he felt safe, nestled under an old friend's wing.
Why then. . . couldn't he sleep?
"Ah Moony. . ." He breathed lightly. Oh course, he was so worried about Remus. Remus who looked decades older than he should, Remus who had survived everything the years despite the odds. Remus who's eyes swam in pain whenever he caught them.
There had always been sorrow in the werewolf's eyes. . . but the pain that he had seen in the last few days with this older Remus. . . it was frightening. What did he expect? This life that he had lived was a cruel and vicious one.
Rolling onto his back, the Animagus stared up at the ceiling. How was he going to help? He didn't even know what was wrong; but he'd do whatever he could to find out.
-"For now, that's all I ask."-
"Is it?" Dark eyes blinked at the swimming shadows that criss-crossed the white-wash surface. "Is that really all you want?"
. . .
From the place he stood in the door's frame, the nearly full moon glowed ominously from its hiding place behind a sparse cloud, looming and forbidding. At least, to him it was. The werewolf leant against the splintered wood, glad that his trembles had ceased long enough for him to move to the door.
The night's crisp wind broke on his face, and his lungs were overjoyed at the prospect of the air that soothed their cramping, despite the cost of body temperature. Tired lids darkened his aching eyes. For a rare moment, sleep tamed him.
~
"Hey Moony!" His bed bowed as Sirius made a flying leap onto it, the force of the seventeen year-old boy causing several arranged homework papers to fly up. "We won the Quidditch Cup again! The Common room's in a frenzy." Padfoot's whole body was wagging in joy. "Fenn's brought out some drinks he's had in hiding, they've got them bubbling like mad. You have to come down!"
"I don't want to." He didn't. A thin hand snared a floating paper on Rootworm and placed it quickly into its place.
"James wants you down there. . . you could at least go down for him."
"He'll see me tonight when he comes upstairs."
"But Reem. . ."
"James doesn't care if I attend or not." Remus glared at Sirius stiffly. "He won't notice."
Black pulled his long hair almost restlessly, frown forming at the realization. "You not feeling good then?"
"I'm fine." Remus replied sternly, shoving parchment into his bag.
Padfoot saw through it. "Why aren't you coming down? The real reason."
"Sirius. . ." He warned softly, his friend slipped up his bed, drawing close with a genuinely concerned look painted on him.
"Moony. . ." A hand brushed his shoulder.
"Leave it." He shoved the hand away, alarming Black. "Do you even know what it's like to be alone in a crowd?"
"What. . . is that it?" "I'm. . . sick of. . . I don't know."
"Smiling when crying?" Sirius suggested, thinking it was the stupidest thing he had ever said, but felt relieved when Lupin gave a small nod.
"More or less." He moved to stand up, but Padfoot prevented it, pulling him down, and whether he liked it or not; into his arms.
"You know. . ." he whispered, hugging him close to his chest. Remus felt the blood rush to his face. "You don't have to smile around me."
Moony laughed softly, but remained where he was. Sirius was warm and comfortable, and right now. . . it seemed that there was the only place he belonged. His humor turned into a happy sigh as his shoulders were rubbed in comfort.
"I can't believe you." Padfoot muttered after a minute, pulling back to stare at his friend. Was that hurt in his voice? That was an odd occurrence. "How could you say you're alone?" Remus whimpered softly as Sirius gently kissed him. ". . .after I promised you you'd never be?"
~
The spell of sleep he had been entranced in diffused into the darkness as he awoke. A small cry passed his slightly parted lips. For one reason, he had seen sleep, and for a second, he had dreamt the only thing that caused more pain then the luminous moon.
"Remus?"
His body jerked in alarm and he spun quickly to the sounding of his name. Too quickly for the state of rest it had been holding. His leg folded under him and giving a gasp of surprise he fell. When he hit the floor, it didn't feel the way he suspected it would. Perhaps that was because Sirius had nearly dove to catch him and respectfully missed, only landing on the ground a second before Remus.
Quickly, Black twisted to gently push Lupin up on his knees, a look of absolute alarm and concern on his face. somewhat like an aged mirror of the face in his dream.
"Reem. . . Reem are you alright? I'm so sorry for sneaking up on you like that. . ."
"It's alright." He breathed, attempting to lift himself off the icy floor. Thin, yet strong hands straightened him instead. He tottered for a moment on his feet and Sirius's hold on him remained. "Why are you awake?"
"Why do you keep asking my questions?" Black's hair was wild about his head, newly-trimmed sable scattered about his gaunt face.
"It is difficult to sleep. . ." He assured; the answer was not appeasing his questioner.
"Then why didn't you wake me up? You shouldn't be wandering around alone."
"I don't want to bother you." Remus tried to push Sirius' hands off, but this time they weren't letting go.
"What bothers me Lupin. . ." Oh that horrible word again. . . "Is that I wake up to hear you crying in pain." There was anger there, but not so much as a tangible despair. "I'm supposed to be helping you."
"Then please, Black, let me go."
Sirius drew his hands back as if stung. Remus put his arm out against the frame of the open door and steadied himself, casting his look away from the man before him.
Lupin's throat tightened and he inwardly screamed at himself. How dare he strike out at the one person that was more then willing to help! He shivered as the wind swept through the door. Sirius suddenly moved back and away, and from where he had positioned his head downward, Remus could not see where he went.
Footsteps came forward again and he found himself being wrapped in a blanket. It was still warm; from Padfoot's bed. Black carefully wound it around his shoulders. When the werewolf felt how his hands were cautious to touch him, avoiding any physical discomfort, he spoke.
"Padfoot. . ." The wolf breathed softly as his body was wrought with tremors. That name. . . how brilliant to say that name. "Padfoot, I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Sirius's voice was monotone and somewhat distanced.
He meant to say something more. . . something about him not wanting him to have let go. . . how he really wanted nothing more; but the cold that had taken him was too much. Whining softly, all of his will shattered like a dropped glass; he didn't want to be Remus Lupin anymore, he wanted to be. . .
"Moony. . ." Sirius had moved closer, bringing one arm up and around him and pulling him in. "God, you're freezing."
The werewolf leaned in to the offer of his friend's embrace. Turning so that his back was pressed against a heated, yet slender chest. Two protective arms enfolded over his, locking him in an envelope of warmth.
With each passing shiver, Sirius gave him a firm squeeze as if to extract it from his trembling body. Forgetting whatever barriers they had set up, Black let his head fall forward to rest his chin on the shoulder before him.
"I'm so weak. . ." The wolf muttered.
"Weak?" Padfoot sounded amused at this. "You're stronger then anything Moony. . . you've endured everything alone. . ."
There was a rustle of the wind as it pushed the cloud covering across the glowing night sky.
"I've tried not to."
The moon peered its eye down on them, and the werewolf stiffened at its gaze. The dog held to him protectively and glared at the whitened orb. Slowly he put his mouth to Moony's ear.
"It's three nights then?" Was the soft question he presented.
"Yes," he breathed, "three nights."
Padfoot shifted his embrace. A hand moved to cover one of Moony's that clutched a corner of the blanket he was entwined in.
"Promise me that you're not alone."
A soft smile grew on Moony's face. "Promise."
~
*~ TBC ~*
.
_________________________________________________________________
Heh. I'm such a Drama Queen when I write. Ever just read something you wrote and then afterward, say to yourself that it's sappy enough to make maple syrup?
On the conversation they were having about the critters and species. I inserted a few fun write-ins for my own amusement. Like the elves of Tolkien, the Vampires of New Orleans, and my own Sogorains. (Very common in original works I do, as they are my children.) Write-ins are great. They lower cholesterol.
Next chapter will come in a long while. Sorry. Will you still love and review me? I need it for fuel.
Arigatou ~ Green Bird
