Well, I have to apologize beforehand, since this chapter is much longer than I had intended it to be, as it bears the brunt of my attempt to explain Nel's mental state which I had to do, or face being really OOC. I don't know if I failed anyhow, but there you go.
Chapter One
What Friends Are For
No matter how clever Nel thought she was, coming out of her room in the morning pretending to be fussing over tousled hair or garments that she just couldn't seem to untangle, Clair had known her for too long to be fooled. She could identify her friend's condition with barely an effort at all, but it did not take any familiarity to see the dark purple bags hanging under her eyes, looking from far away like some terrible eyeliner catastrophe. Nor did it take familiarity to see the redness in her eyes, or to catch the way she could sometimes not even articulate a correct sentence, or the way that her attention would occasionally wander right in the middle of a discussion. She had tried to be prudent about it up until now, had tried to pretend as though she hadn't noticed anything amiss everyone had their own private problems after all, and Nel's way of dealing with hers had always been a bit bizarre but the face she saw coming out of her friend's room this morning looked so hag-ridden that she could not bear to keep silent any longer.
"You've been up all night again, haven't you?" She said without pretext, worry crinkling her brows as Nel closed her door behind her. Her friend gave her an agitated, dismissive look.
"I had a lot to go over." She replied curtly.
Clair of course, had played these games with Nel too many times to let it go at that.
"Again?"
Nel crossed her arms. "I'm very busy."
Clair laughed, trying to make it sound as patronizing as she could. She didn't actually think anything was funny, but she knew it would anger Nel, and anger was the quickest and easiest way to make her honest, she had found (well, that, and double-teaming her with Rozaria, but with the latter married and off in Airyglyph now, that was no longer an option).
"That might work with some people, Nel," she said, "but I don't know where you got the idea that I would be one of them. We share the same workloads, you know. Our jobs are all but identical. If there was truly that much work to do, I would have seen some of it by now."
Her friend simply looked at her. Normally, Clair would have concluded that she had entered that 'irritated silence' phase, and that she simply needed to be prodded some more, but as she looked into Nel's eyes, she also saw that there was a good chance that her attention had drifted off again. Either that, or she was deep in reflection of something, and ignoring Clair altogether.
"What's wrong, Nel?" Her voice became more gentle, her tactic changing on a whim, a different stroke of the sword in the battle with the redhead, "Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know you can tell me. I'll help however I can. That's what friends are for"
Her voice trailed off when Nel flinched at that.
From there, Clair's mind had only to turn over a few gears, and then she knew what the problem was.
Still? was the first thought that occurred to her, but naturally, it didn't get anywhere near coming out of her mouth. It had been more than two months since Cliff and Fayt and the others had last departed, after returning to drop off her father and Albel and Nel before they finally left to go back to their own homes. Two months, though Clair could swear that these strange troubles had only arisen within the last few weeks. If the problem had really been nagging at her this long…
"Do you want to talk about it?" She knew before even asking what the answer would be, but this was her friend, and every rule of friendship, and interaction in general, dictated that she ask it anyway. Besides, she did not know how else to approach the situation.
"No. I'm…I'm fine, Clair. Really." Nel tried a small smile, but it was obviously forced. Something that only someone who was either disastrously exhausted or utterly out of their wits could possibly think might pass for genuine. "Now…I have to go. Her Majesty will be up soon, and I'll need to be ready to see her when she is."
That was also something that only someone who was exhausted or witless could possibly think would pass for genuine: the Queen did not open court until well into midmorning, and any business that Nel (or any other Aquarian agent of sufficient rank) had was usually held until the afternoon, once all the day's problems had been sized up. Unless there was an emergency…and there was certainly no emergency right now. She let her go anyway however. She could use the time this would give her to come up with a better way of dealing with Nel's strange mood, of drawing her out. It was strange to see her like this. She had acted somewhat the same way over her father, but she had also been younger then, and less set in her ways; more willing to talk if someone else was willing to offer to listen. The niggling veneer of insouciance that was so much a part of her now had not existed back then. They trusted each other well enough, but if whatever thoughts she was having were so troubling that they kept her up at night, she didn't know how willing she would be to confide in her, even when her head was relatively clear.
It could be done of course you could maneuver Nel into doing just about anything if you knew what buttons to press but it would require a certain tact.
Then again, Clair had not been given command of the army in the war with Airyglyph for nothing.
First, she had a certain Queen to speak with. And unlike her friend, she did know how to wheedle her way into an early audience.
Had something even moderately unfamiliar-looking been standing in the halls when she came out of her audience with the Queen, Nel probably would have killed it. She was certainly in that sort of mood.
Her Majesty has spoken. You must send one of your subordinates. Lasselle's words hounded her. His especially, though the Queen had not been any more reasonable; just less blunt. And her voice less grating on the nerves. In any case, both of them had made the point that she was not permitted to take the mission. And the indignity of it was like to choke her.
When they had first told her about the assignment some problem with merchants in Peterny her heart had skipped a beat. Here, here was something to take her mind off her troubles. All the things she had been doing since coming back to Elicoor had been trifling at best (even the recent events in Greeton had been little more than trivial; just a case of an old man and some young retainers dreaming up ambitious schemes that would almost certainly never be carried out, if the last two times they had done it were any indication), but this had really seemed like something with substance to it. Something important. Something that would spare her having to look through account books to pass the time.
But then when she had tried to accept the job, they had turned her down. Oh, they had made their little pretexts; the Queen had painted it over to look like she was merely trying to get Nel to share some work with her underlings, and Lasselle had tried to patronize her with some talk about taking a vacation, but it all boiled down to the same thing: they had turned her down. They had turned her down, and to Nel, who didn't have the slightest inking of just how haggard she actually looked, or that she was almost completely in the grips of a childish and uncharacteristic fit brought on by sleep deprivation or that Clair may or may not have been the one who had persuaded the Queen to suspend her duties temporarily that was almost a slap in the face.
She could do nothing about it however, would do nothing about it, no matter how senseless and violent her lack of sleep made her, nothing but obey the Queen and send one of her subordinates, and then sit and brood about the injustice while she languished in her room. She didn't have to be happy about it though.
It was in that train of thought that she came to her room, and she was unsurprised to find Clair standing outside of her door waiting for her. The other woman still looked worried. And she picked up Nel's mood quickly; though her stride was not much different than it always was, it was obvious to anyone who really knew her that Nel was storming.
"Did something happen?" She asked.
Nel's answer came slowly. Not because she was trying to be rude, but because it took her that long to come up with a response that she wouldn't mind divulging. She was not feeling particularly creative however, so when she finally spoke, the answer was a simple:
"Not really."
But Clair just continued to fix her with that concerned stare, which made Nel feel absurdly guilty. And she was eventually moved to elaborate a little.
"At least nothing I didn't expect. I've been taking all the assignments myself the last few months, and leaving nothing to anyone else. I suppose it was only a matter of time before Her Majesty had to make me stop."
"She refused to let you have an assignment?"
"No." Nel crossed her arms, to illustrate just how unhappy it made her, "She suspended my duties. I'm supposed to choose someone under me to go to Peterny, but otherwise I'm out of a job for awhile."
Clair stood silently for several seconds, regarding her. It seemed to Nel that her friend was fighting off the urge to smile, but she wasn't sure.
"Well," she said finally, "I can't say I'm sorry to hear that. You need some time off."
Nel closed her eyes and gritted her teeth.
Another lecture? Already? She thought (amidst another thought of simply letting the comment slide, which she immediately disregarded) before saying: "What I need, Clair, is something to do. Working is the only way I can relax now. I tried to tell that to Her Majesty, but she wouldn't listen."
"I can understand why!" She exclaimed without missing a beat, and it became instantly clear to Nel that her friend had rehearsed this line. Had probably rehearsed the entire conversation. Were she less occupied with her own thoughts, she might have also put it together that Clair had been the one responsible for the incident in the throne room, but as it was, she did not. "If working is the only way you can relax, then 'relaxing' is killing you! If you need something to do, why don't you try sleeping?"
She waited for several moments, and when Nel didn't respond, she continued.
"Have you even looked at yourself lately? You…you look half dead Nel! And you get so testy. Sometimes, it seems like you're just prowling around looking for fights. And I don't think we've had a conversation in the last week where you haven't snapped at me for something."
It would help if you would stop provoking me. Nel thought, but she kept the words inside. Had she really been so terrible? She was aware that she had been a bit grumpier than usual, but she couldn't do much to stop it she never realized she was being grouchy when it was actually happening and it hadn't seemed like that big of a problem to her anyway. Any person working in the castle who couldn't handle an occasional cross comment…didn't really need to work in the castle, as far as she saw it. Yet it was a different matter if Clair was right.
Am I really making everyone so miserable? It would certainly explain why a lot of people seemed to be avoiding her nowadays. Even during training. And it would fit too. She never liked to involve other people in her problems, so it was only natural that she be involving everybody in her problems.
"Am I really making everyone so miserable?" She asked Clair with a pained smile, echoing her thoughts.
Clair, ever one to soften hard words, answered quietly:
"You're being…difficult. It's not your fault but…"
…but it is. She finished in her mind. Nel shook her head and sighed.
"I'm sorry Clair."
"You don't need to apologize for anything." She replied, "We all have our moments."
There was another silence between them this time. Longer. Nel considered answering her friend with 'Yeah, just not as long or as bad as mine' several times, but decided there wasn't really much of a reason. Finally, when it became obvious that conversation was not about to resume, she told Clair that if there was nothing else and if Clair really felt so strongly that she should, she reiterated, as it would have seemed too placidly agreeable if she didn't she was going to go to her room to try and get some sleep.
In her room however, rather than trying to sleep, she paced instead. It was not for want of exhaustion; she was, if truth be told, at that point where she could essentially faint the moment she lied down. It was because…well, simply because, really. Exhaustion, and Clair, had dulled her anger a little bit, but it was still sharp enough to make her want to kick something. And she still had to pick someone to send on the Peterny mission. Everyone might be insisting that she take a break from things, but she doubted they would be any more pleased if she fell asleep for four days without naming anybody first. The actual choice of 'who' was not an especially difficult one. A dozen apt choices jumped to mind the very instant she began to consider, all of them currently in the castle or in town the last time she had checked. She could literally just assign the first one she found
(assuming they don't run away when they see me coming)
and be done with the matter. The only problem with that was that she didn't want to. For more than just her own personal grievances. Because what if something went wrong? Nel figured she could trust any of them with the mission itself, but what if something unexpected happened? What if something happened to them? What if they were killed? How could she stand herself if she found out later that she had sent one of her agents to their death? The questions were hardly new; this was a nagging concern that always plagued her when she was considering sending a subordinate out on an assignment, and it was one of the biggest reasons why she was so loathe to do so, but the questions carried even more weight now. She was already not in the most admirable state of mind. And ending up with someone's blood on her hands was not likely to improve it any.
Apris, you're just being paranoid, Nel. She told herself. It's only reconnaissance. People go out on reconnaissance missions all the time and nothing happens to them.
And of course, that was true. But there were always exceptions, there were always things that could go wrong, and merchants specifically the rich ones were among the most cautious, careful, secretive souls you were ever going to find. Getting the specifics on whatever it was they were doing would most likely require following one of them around and spying. That was a game that could get someone killed. And if it did, it would be her fault. Even on her best day, that was not a prospect she enjoyed.
And then there was the problem…
Unbeknownst to her, Clair had come to the conclusion that Nel's dilemma was loneliness, the fact that she missed her offworlder friends. And while that was not entirely untrue she was after all, now the only person on Elicoor to whom she could relate that had entered 4D space and had everything she had ever known turned upside down, the only one who had seen that Apris and all the other gods and goddesses and beliefs that everything around her was built upon were nothing but programs run by men and women who were no more impressive than the runologists who toiled in the castle labs the actual problem was...the lack that it all left. The fact that Fayt and Cliff and all the others were now well beyond her reach was enough to put her into a rather unhealthy mood, but they were not nearly all of it. The biggest problem she faced was what would come after thoughts of her friends if she allowed herself to indulge in them; the thoughts of the universe. The thoughts of her place, of the world in which she lived. She had always seen her work as important, but that had been when Elicoor was all she had known. Now she had been to the end of the universe and beyond, and what did it matter anymore if someone at court was an informant for somebody else when her whole world itself was nothing more than one molecule in one gear in the great clockwork of the universe? It all seemed so...so insignificant now. So stupid. So pointless. She had always known that the universe was big, but she had never really comprehended how big, and it was a hard thing to learn, to truly learn, that the world around you accounted for so little. That your own actions accounted for so little. Especially when, at least for awhile, they had meant so much. She had been a part in the destruction of Luther, a part in saving the universe. And now she was nothing again.
The lack of purpose.
It made her think of fairy tales, of all the wondrous stories she had been so fond of as a child, even of the legends of her own planet's history. It made her think about the people in those stories. What did they do after the story ended? How did they handle going back to their lives after the demon was banished or the great dragon slain, when they knew that the struggle was over, and that there was nothing left for them to fight? That they would have nothing but the bitter, tiresome normalcy of everyday life to return home to? The stories never went that far, Nel would realize. And that was the problem. She needed some guidance. Because her story didn't seem to want to end, even though there was nothing left to do in it. The evil wizard was slain, the song was over, and now the fair damsel was bored. So terribly, terribly bored.
It might have been easier for Nel to deal with had she had someone she could really confess all her thoughts to; someone who could perhaps lend her support, maybe even some sort of advice, a way of looking at things that she hadn't thought of, but there was no one. Adray was not the sort of person you confided deep thoughts in, and he seemed so utterly unconcerned by all that had happened that she doubted if he even understood the problem in the first place nor did she want to introduce him to it if he was indeed so lucky. And Albel…well, Albel was Albel. He would probably just laugh at her and call her weak. And he was hundreds of miles away besides. And telling anyone else would require telling them about 4D Space, telling them that everything they believed in was a lie, and she had no wish to subject anyone else to that. Even if it meant the stress killing her.
Even if it meant being alone in this.
The agent chosen was named Serafelle Alani. She was a petite woman from a small village near the Sanmite Steppe, west of Peterny, and she had come to Aquios to be trained eight years before, along with her brother. She was most proficient with longswords, though she also possessed ample skill with knives, and with the bow. The assessment of her had said that out of the twenty-eight people who had been trained with her, she had been ranked as both the best at fighting, and the best at infiltration, but that she was worthless as a commander, and that her runological abilities could be likened to those of the boots she wore. Consequently, aside from one scouting mission in Kirlsa, she had been largely inactive during the war with Airyglyph, stationed for most of it as a reserve guard in Peterny, trying to ferret out traitors and spies. She was eager to prove her mettle, and she knew the town well. She was perfect for the job.
Within an hour after having the task bestowed on her, Serafelle, or 'Sera', as she preferred to be called, was well out of the city, and on her way to Peterny. Clair had no idea how long it took her to get there, but from the impression of her she had gotten, she guessed that the woman probably ran the entire way.
At any rate, it was less than a week before messages from her started coming back to the castle. Normally, they would have gone to Nel, but Clair had managed to appropriate her workload for herself in the interest of letting her friend recuperate (and because the Shield Legion was not currently doing anything in particular that required her). The messages were inconsequential for the most part just the giddy enthusiasm of someone eager to please her superiors showing through. Nel had been little different on her own first assignment, and it had not been nearly so important. The inane letters would thin out over time, she knew.
On the ninth day however, Clair received a much different message from Serafelle. It was something Nel might have had an interest in, but the case being as it was, she did not go to her with it. Nel came out of her room only a few times every day or two now, but it was clear by her appearance when she did that she was not spending a terrible amount of the hours she spent in her quarters sleeping. She seemed to have gotten slightly better the bags under her eyes were less pronounced now, but they were still very much there but it would be weeks before she was at full health again, at the rate she was going. Considering her problem, it was the last kind of thing she needed right now.
She had planned to keep the secret for as long as she needed to, but the news spread quickly anyhow, and it was her father who eventually told for her. Clair had been enjoying an afternoon repose in her room, with tea and a book that she had taken from the library several months before and then neglected to return (or finish), when she had heard him coming, clopping down the halls like a horse in those clogs of his. She had thought that he had merely come to see her, so she had not bothered to rise Adray Lasbard was not a man who required an invitation to come barging into your room. So before she had been able to do anything, he had approached, thrown open Nel's door and yelled the news at what sounded like the top of his lungs.
A strange object had been seen in the sky over the Duggus Forest. That was what Clair had read in Serafelle's letter, but what Adray said was considerably different, and she wasn't sure how much of it he had heard, or how much he had simply presumed.
Master Fayt was back.
Responses:
Lloyd (Irving) Aurion: I suppose I should apologize for not being more clear on what I meant. I didn't mean to imply (even though it's technically pretty much what I wrote) that Fayt would say goodbye to his mother. What I meant was that I didn't figure he'd just go 'Meh. I'll go somewhere else' and ignore her. As officially one-third of his motivation for the first part of the game, I thought he would at least want to visit her before he went careening off to some other place. And I agree about his not being the type to simply put everything away and return to his old life too.
Everyone else (and Lloyd (Irving) Aurion as well): Thanks all around for the compliments/critiques/encouragement/whatever other terms apply. Any non-flame responses to my work just entirely make my day. Seriously. Sometimes even my week. And I honestly hope (and sometimes even pray, in a really roundabout sort of way) that I don't disappoint anyone at any point.
Also, in my desire to begin the story with the opening line rather than with words from me, I neglected to do this last chapter. I'll amend here though. And we all know the drill, so let's say it together, shall we? 'I don't own Star Ocean, or any of the characters, themes, terms or locations therein.'
I DO however, domineeringly claim Serafelle Alani as my own staggeringly rich and original creation.
