Thanks to everyone who is reading this and Happy Thanksgiving!
And, I don't own Wolf's Rain.
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What happens when the floodgates
of our true memories
are opened?
Do we drown in the rush of dreams
or float on surface
as far away from the truth as possible?
How can a tadpole recognize
reality from fantasy?
He can't swim in the right direction,
against the current of his doubts.
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Tsume usually didn't remember his dreams. He often used to wake in the middle of the night from a ghoulish nightmare, so real that his body was covered in cold sweat. But, the terror always faded as soon as his eyes opened as necessity conditioned him to forget the images that plagued his sleep from childhood.
Today, however, was different. Today, he couldn't shake the dreams he had had the night before. They followed him out of bed, through the door, and on the street, and Tsume couldn't understand the pictures that ran through his head, as detailed as real memories but so unordered. Everything was chaos.
And, it all started with that goddamn dream.
He was a wolf, grey as the cloudy sky. The wind whipped snowflakes at him as he ran, and the moon cast the only sliver of light from a black sky. He caught up to a white wolf. His leader. And they ran together, until the others started to fall behind. Impatience. They had to keep moving, but the white wolf held his ground.
A small, brown wolf arrived, still a pup, a runt. He needed protection. But, the other was too far away to even hear Tsume's call. And then the man spoke and everything went black.
Tsume tripped over uneven sidewalk as the dream filled his mind once again. And even though the rational part of his mind waged war against him, everything seemed so right in the fantasy. He wished he could sleep forever, just to stay that way. Running. Strength surged through him and fatigue was an unknown feeling. God, Tsume wanted to be a wolf.
And that thought made him pound his head with an open palm. Stupid. Stop being stupid. But, as soon as Tsume became his usual, coldly rational self, the dream reappeared with all the sensations of freedom. Running. Strength. Hope. Paradise.
The dream inevitably opened the path for other dream-memories, as Tsume continued to walk blindly down the crowded city street. The only things he could see were the other wolves. Toboe. He met Toboe for the first time. Acted so cold. All the runt wanted was a companion. All either of them wanted was a companion.
But, Kiba was the wolf he really met first. Fighting. Tsume hunted with humans, acted like a human, and it made him sick.
Stop. Stop. STOP!
Indifferent people walked by as Tsume leaned against a parked car, trying to push away the visions. Where was he going? Paradise?
No, he was walking…the city…his job.
There was no way in hell Tsume could go to work today. He was going insane. Maybe it was all the stress…or maybe some crazybugs had rubbed off of Kiba…
Kiba! That son of a bitch had to be behind this somehow. He was messing with his mind!
Fuck work. Tsume needed to go home and get this crap out of his head, with force if necessary. He'd kill Kiba to get this to stop. These false memories of being a wolf had to stop because Tsume was starting to become used to them. That thought frightened him.
Remembering his own death, frightened Tsume, most of all.
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The sun burned Kiba's eyes. It seemed too bright. He wanted to be under the moon again, under milky light as soft as silk. But, necessity called him into the day.
He had to find Chesa.
She was still gone. Everything was silent, only the questions that ran through his head made any noise against his own thoughts. Where was he going? A library. Kiba glanced at the boy who was pulling him by the arm through masses of people on the street. Toboe was so full of life.
It was nice to see him alive.
But, why would Toboe be dead? Kiba still couldn't make sense of any of his memories, but he longed to stay with the boy, and Tsume too for that matter. If only he could find Chesa. A sense stronger than longing tied him to her. They were tied by fate.
And he was fated to lose his happiness again. Kiba had to lose everything for Paradise.
As the sun passed behind a cloud, Kiba stopped moving. He stood next to a decrepit tree forced to grow in the middle of a concrete jungle, and decided he didn't need Paradise. Nothing was worth losing them again.
He remembered loss. All of them died. Even the people he barely knew…touching their lives had caused them pain as well. The young man lost his love to the ice, the woman with blonde hair, the woman who worked at the hospital. Kiba barely felt surprise that another person from his former life should reappear here. For some reason, he associated her with Chesa. The flower maiden and her keeper were linked…
But, he would not seek Chere out for answers. That would only cause more death.
"Kiba, what's the matter?"
Ah, Toboe again. Toboe would have to die too. Only the white wolf could make it to Paradise…and even he had died in the end. The price of heaven needed to be paid in blood.
"How much are you willing to sacrifice, Toboe?" Kiba needed to know. All Toboe had to say was that he was afraid. Then, Kiba could send him away. Kiba would cut the strings of his past and unravel the tapestry forming for a new future. The tapestry was colored red.
"Everything." The boy's firmness made Kiba want to howl in anguish. Toboe knew so little about what was to come, and Kiba had to keep him at his side. It was meant to be. The shackles of fate bound them together as well.
It had been easier before, when they barely knew each other, lone wolves drawn together by the scent of moonflowers. But, now…now, Kiba felt all the compassion of a human. His weak mind didn't want to see the clear picture, the final ending of perfection. Kiba could only feel his affection for the young boy. Maybe they could reach Paradise together…
"I'm not afraid, Kiba. I know whatever we're doing…it's something right, something we have to do. This Paradise…I want to go there."
Kiba searched the amber eyes looking up at him. "Then, we'll get to Paradise together. I promise."
And as Toboe burst into a smile and continued to lead him through the maze of skyscrapers, Kiba chided himself for making promises he couldn't fulfill.
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Toboe's feet hurt, but he continued to walk as fast as possible. He would get to Paradise…whatever Paradise was. It sounded so right and so familiar. And, as the boy pulled Kiba along, he felt no fear about the future…or from the past. Toboe couldn't remember anything.
So, he went along in peaceful ignorance. It was about ten blocks to the main library of the city, and the pair nearly ran the whole distance. Toboe could see the library, now. Massive granite steps lead up to an entrance gate guarded by stone lions. He used to love sitting in the shadow of one of the beasts and reading his favorite book, but today there was important business to take care of.
Toboe galloped up the stairs with Kiba in tow. At the top, they stopped for a second to admire the view of the street below. But, Toboe wanted to keep moving, so he pulled Kiba past one of the sitting giants.
Where are you going?
Toboe stopped and Kiba nearly fell on him.
"Is something wrong?" Kiba adjusted his jacket and looked at Toboe with concern.
"Didn't you just hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Uhhh…nevermind. Let's go." Tip-toeing past the statue, Toboe crept along its base.
You left me behind before, don't do it again.
Toboe started and whipped around to Kiba. "You must have heard that!"
Kiba was trying to hide his concern. "I really don't know what you are talking about."
Toboe looked around and up at the face of the open-mouthed lion. Could it have…
Down here.Toboe looked down.
And at his feet sat Moon, slightly dirtier than at their first encounter but identifiable nonetheless. Toboe was delighted that he had found Moon (he had totally forgotten about the kitten) and then the realization that a cat was talking to him sank in.
"…Kiba." Kiba was looking back and forth between Toboe and the large mahogany library doors. He stopped his repetitive head motion to gaze at Toboe.
"Maybe we should go back.," Kiba said. "I don't want to make you help me."
"No…it's not that…I think…I think Moon is talking to me."
"Who's Moon?"
Toboe pointed down with a frightened expression.
Kiba did a double take.
"…I see. What's he saying?"
"Basically that he doesn't want me to leave again."
"So…you've met this cat before?"
"Yeah."
Kiba bent down and scooped Moon up. "Then we'll just have to bring him with us."
Thank goodness someone cares about the well being of the pet population around here.
Toboe rubbed his head. What was going on? Kiba pulled his jacket around the cat to hide it from view as they entered the library. The smell of decaying books bombarded them two steps into the old building. The library wasn't used very often, but hundreds of bookshelves lined the walls. Computers had taken most people who wanted to do research away, but Toboe was adamant about the importance of using real sources.
"Where do we start?" Kiba looked at Toboe uncertainly.
"I was hoping you could help in that department. I was thinking looking some stuff up about dreams, like the own you had last night…or about Cheza? Or we could even look up some things about wolves…" Toboe waved his hand at the numerous possibilities.
You might want to try something about the Book of Red Moon.
"What do you mean?" Toboe said aloud, trying not to look at Kiba's bulging jacket that was full of cat.
You're researching Paradise aren't you?
"Maybe we should sit down," said Kiba as he tried desparetly to keep the kitten hidden. Moon didn't seem to want to stay a secret, however.
"Okay." The group wound their way through a maze of study tables, until they found one tucked away in a corner. Two bookcases obstructed any view someone might have. After Toboe plopped into a wooden chair, Kiba opened his jacket and Moon hopped out and immediately started to wash himself.
"Hey, I thought you were going to help us find Paradise."
Just give me a minute,the cat glared. Living on the street is murder for white fur.
"Could you tell me what he's saying?"
"…You don't think this is weird?"
Kiba tapped his forehead. "I had a little voice in here, but I haven't heard her in awhile. If you can hear cats, it just makes me seem sane."
"Very funny," Toboe pouted but related the cat's message. "Moon says that living on the street is murder for white fur."
"Tell me about it," Kiba rolled his eyes.
"Huh?"
"Nevermind." The two continued to watch the cat preen.
Could I have some privacy?
"Why don't you just tell us what we want to know, so we can start finding things out. Then you can clean yourself all you want."
Fine. Humans are so controlling…but you're not human, are you?
"Yes I am."
Whatever you say Mr. Wolf.
"I'm not a wolf!" he said incredulously.
Uh-huh.
Moon was giving him such a mocking stare that the boy nearly got up to smack him. Kiba intervened.
"I really don't like being out of the loop."
Tell your other wolf friend he needs to get some better ears.
Toboe told him.
"Well, maybe if you help us, that will happen," Kiba said trying to keep his cool against the sarcastic cat. He was getting angry at a cat he couldn't even hear.
Fine, fine.Moon circled once around the table then sat down. You fellows are looking for Paradise. The trouble is, you're here. I don't know what happened, but you seem to be the one who caused this disaster in the first place…I was happy with the old world.
As Moon spoke Toboe related everything to Kiba. Anyhow, there is a book the humans used to talk about that had stuff about Paradise and wolves. It was called the Book of Red Moon. We're in a library, so I thought you could use that.
Kiba and Toboe looked at one another. Finally, a place to start.
"Okay, Kiba you go look up the Book of Red Moon, I'll ask the librarian what books they have about wolves, and Moon you stay here until we come back."
You'd better come back.
"Sorry about that," the boy said as he stroked the cat. Then he looked up at Kiba with a smile. "Let's go!"
Neither of the boys wondered how the cat could remember everything. They were too worried about the future to ask about the past…for the moment.
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Kiba didn't know where to start. He had never been to a library, but it was his job to find The Book of Red Moon…if it even existed. Kiba didn't totally trust the white cat. First, he stopped at the librarian counter, but, after waiting for ten minutes, he decided to check the card catalogue by himself.
Nothing was there.
So, he wandered around, looking up at the sections of information. British History. Fiction. Mystery. Kiba kept walking until he was at the very back of the library. Light from the tall gothic windows was clouded by dust and all the books were covered in cobwebs. The Legends and Lore section.
Kiba barely stopped as another sign took his interest. "Restricted books, ID required." The large wooden door was slightly ajar.
Playing by ear, Kiba glided through the open door and looked inside. The room was about the size of Toboe's living room and the walls were covered in glass cabinets of old books, covers worn from the years. He slowly walked around, taking in all the titles, but there was nothing saying The Book of Red Moon.
"Can I help you?"
Kiba froze and slowly turned around. Behind him was a woman with short black hair and ice blue eyes. Another person from his past.
"You shouldn't be in here," she said with a glare.
"I…I'm sorry…I was…I was looking for the bathroom."
The woman looked Kiba up and down. "Sure you were. You could be arrested for this. Most of these books are older than my great grandparents. If you had touched any of them…"
"I'm very sorry," Kiba said worried and judged how hard it would be to get past her and out the door.
To his surprise she smiled. "Don't worry, no harm done. I would have done the same thing if someone else left this door open. The sign makes it seem more interesting than it really is. Are you interested in old texts?"
"Well…"
"Because they're my specialty. I've worked at the library as long as I can remember, ever since I was a kid."
"I was wondering about this one book I heard about," might as well give it a try, Kiba thought.
"Oh really?" Her blue eyes were so kind, open. And he hadn't trusted them before. But, now…he had to. Blue eyes were his only link to Cheza.
"The Book of the Red Moon."
A cloud passed over her face, but it returned to its previous friendly state quickly. "I'm sorry. I've never heard of that one, and if we had it, I'd tell you. Books in a library shouldn't be a secret."
"I see." Another chance gone.
The woman shifted and looked at the book covered walls. "Well, I have to get to work, and if my boss sees you in here, he won't be too happy."
"Okay." He started to walk towards the door.
"Have we met before?" she asked quickly keeping her eyes fixed on the glass cabinets.
"No," Kiba would not let another person into this mess.
"Because you seem familiar."
"I just moved here yesterday."
"Oh," her face fell. "Well, if you need any help to find that book just ask for Aiko…but my friends call me Blue...I hope your arm gets better."
Kiba left before another person was tied to him and his path to Paradise.
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