Chapter 3

Himura Kenshin was an unlucky man.

Of course, no one could deny that. In the time span of less than a year he had been attacked by homicidal maniacs, egotists, mentally unbalanced swordsmen, crispy mentally unbalanced swordsmen, creepy revenge freaks, wierdos, random police men, Kaoru, (aku-chan: -whacks kie-san- I think they get the point. Kie-san: heh heh…).

But it was only until know that Kenshin really considering himself unlucky.

Why, you might ask?

Simple, allow the rurouni to explain with the help of these handy and convenient diagrams.

Kenshin pulled out large cue cards from his gi (a.k.a. void of large and random objects, including radishes), in which the following things were listed:

Kenshin was often feared and misunderstood. They should all realize that he was RETIRED, DAMMIT! (Kenshin, realizing that Battousai was 85 in control, promptly hit himself with his shoe and continued the presentation).

Kaoru's dark side (-shifty eyes-) had been released and was out for rurouni blood.

His once favorite word had been turned into the catchphrase from hell.

There was a rabid monkey hunting him.

Now, (Kenshin put the cards back in his magenta gi) you may be wondering what rabid monkey Kenshin was referring to. Of course, there was only one monkey currently residing in the Kamiya Kasshin Dojo, and his name was Myoujin Yahiko.

With the release of Black-Kaoru her random acts of violence had tripled and Yahiko was convinced that he was destined to learn the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu and was currently stalking Kenshin in a disturbing manner, asking "please?" every time he could. The cursed monkey popped up everywhere: in the bath (through the toilet), in the garden (through a carrot), in the training hall (through the sakabatou), in Kenshin's room (through a hole in the ground), and in the sacred laundry area (THROUGH THE TUB! THE HOOORROOOR!).

"Please?" a small voice said. Kenshin jumped in surprise, realizing that Yahiko had once again popped up from inside his gi.

Kenshin: O.o

"OOROROOOOOROOO!" Kenshin wailed, ripping Yahiko off of him and running for cover into the kitchen (aku-chan: he's gonna come in through the food dispenser…). He stood there, his eyes wide and heart pumping as sweat ran down his face.

"Oi, Battousai!" another voice appeared, making the already jumpy rurouni jolt with surprise. He looked to the side, where there was none other than Yukishiro Enishi looking at him with utmost seriousness.

"Oro!" Kenshin eeped, wondering what on earth Enishi wanted now. Enishi looked around nervously, checking for anyone that may be listening, then walked up to Kenshin and leaned in.

"Battousai…" he whispered, "I… need… help…" He hung his head in shame.

"Oro?"

"Read this," Enishi grumbled, shoving a small book into Kenshin's hands. Kenshin looked down at the book, reading the title: InuYasha, Volume 5.

"Oro?"

"See, see!" Enishi said excitedly taking back the book, flipping through the pages and pointing one specific page out to Kenshin. "I found a way to bring my Nee-chan back!" Kenshin looked down to see the picture of a horribly disfigured witch, standing above what looked like a big human shaped clay shell thingy.

Enishi grinned at Kenshin's disturbed expression on seeing the freaky witch lady person… thing, "Doesn't she look funny? She looks just like Nee-chan did every morning before she got her waffles…" Enishi stopped, a look of dread descending on his face. "Nee-chan, why aren't you smiling…?"

"Oro-ro," Kenshin muttered, seeing this whole thing as irrelevant.

"This witch lady person thing brought this priestess lady person thing by making her a body out of clay! SO, I thought, why shouldn't I try the same thing with Nee-chan?" Kenshin gave him the weirdest look ever, but Enishi seemed unfazed as he reached into his pocket. "But… this is all I could manage." He brought out what looked like a crispy disfigured gingerbread man, complete with gumdrop buttons. He looked at it fondly, as if secretly indulging in his amazing baking skills. "Nee-chan says she doesn't want to be crispy (even though I like it), so she said to come to you because she said you once put an Iron Chef to shame and making a big human shaped clay shell thingy would be no problem. 'Course I didn't want to come but…" He trailed off, looking disgruntled.

Before Kenshin could respond, however, someone stumbled into the kitchen loudly and made both Kenshin and Enishi yelp with surprise.

"Oi, Kenshin!" Sano yelled, pressing his temples with one hand. "I've got a hangover the size of Neptune and I'M HUNGRY! GET ME SOME COFFEE!"

A strange silence permeated the kitchen as Sano noticed the other man standing there. Kenshin feared the worst, knowing how much Sano hated Enishi.

Sano's eyes got wide and he said suddenly, "Is that a gingerbread man!" Before Enishi could react/answer Sano had lunged forward and ripped the gingerbread man/Nee-chan out of Enishi's hand. With one gruesome chomp, crumbs spilling everywhere, Sanosuke quickly beheaded the small, defenseless cookie, munching with his mouth wide open so all the gore was visible.

Kenshin: Oro… (crap…)

Enishi's eyes widened in horror as his heart beat loudly in his chest.

"NEEEEEE-CHAAAAAANNN!" He collapsed onto his knees, but quickly ended his mourning of his lost sister (again) as he got up and pointed at Sanosuke with an accusing finger. "I DECLARE MY JINCHUU ON YOUUUUU!" Leaving Sanosuke (who was still happily munching on the remains of "Tomoe") and Kenshin, standing with a rather perplexed look, he fled from the kitchen away to his mansion to plot another fiendish revenge.

"Who was that?" Sano asked, nonplussed. He shrugged and tossed the remains of the cookie into his mouth. Kenshin, meanwhile, had a look of horror on his face with the thought of facing another Jinchuu.

"ORO! (-BLEEP!-)" he yelled.

"Please?" Yahiko squeaked, popping out from under the floor boards.

Twitch.

"Kenshin! WHERE ARE YOU?" Kaoru also crashed into the kitchen, looking as furious as ever.

Twitch twitch.

"Kenshin! Fooood!" Sano whined.

Spaz.

Something finally snapped in the rurouni's head, "Oro.. oro… oro-ro..! oro! oOROo! ORororoRORO! OROOROROOOROOORO! ORO!"

"LOOK OUT!" Yahiko yelled, ducking for cover. "HE'S GONNA BLOW!" In a flurry of sparks and red hair, Kenshin's head spun around in a similar fashion to a malfunctioning robot (or a malfunctioning Soujiro), then, just as everyone had ducked behind Sanosuke (who was still processing what was happening), a large BOOM erupted in the kitchen.

Kenshin was left on the floor, covered in soot and dust with sparks still coming out of his head.

"I think we should call Megumi…" Kaoru mused, looking at Kenshin with slight interest and poking him with a bokken. Yahiko nodded in surprise.

"HE'S GONNA BLOW!" Sano yelled in a delayed reaction.


Kie-san: (-hides-)

Aku-chan: (-hides too-) (-whispers-) What are we hiding from?

Kie-san: O.o From our reviewers! They're weiiiiird!

Aku-chan: Oh… I thought we were hiding from Sesshy-kun, since we stole his sword…

Kie-san: -.-' You stole his sword.

Aku-chan: I don't get why he's so ticked, he hates the tensaiga! He doesn't even use the stupid thing!

Sesshy-kun: (-appears behind authoresses-) This Sesshoumaru will kill you now…

Kie-san and Aku-chan: EEP! (-run away-)

Sesshy-kun: (-follows, but is stopped when realizes he's tied up with a leash-) O.o

Kie-san: Good doggy! (-tries to pet Sesshy-kun, but stops when he almost bites her head off-) Oro…

Aku-chan: Let's just get to the reviews…

Reviewer Responses:

Burnt Up Old Sausage: Kie-san: You're still here? (-grin!-) Yep, it's kinda sad when you think about it, but it's okay to torture Ken-chan in a humor fic! (Kenshin: (-DEATH GLARE FROM HADES!-) Oro-ro oro…)

Maru-kun: Kie-san: My friend, you have a problem, please realize that. Aku-chan realized she had an addiction to shrimp, and is now on the road to recovery (Aku-chan: (-munches on shrimp-)). I don't know if we'll be able to fit Saitou into this fic, but stick around for some more Kenshin torture if you want! (Kenshin: (-sob sob-)). Aku-chan: We haven't had a chance to check out your fic, but will soon!

Elizabeth: Really? We're hyper too! COOL WHIP!

Flame Youkai: Aku-chan: Yes, yes we will (grin!).

Viper (the strange): Kie-san: (-to Aku-chan-) See what I mean? Our reviewers are weird! Aku-chan: (-grabs Sesshy-kun's leash-) Nya nya! (Sesshy-kun: (-grrr-) (-grumbles something that will not be written since this fic is rated PG-))

AnimeShark: Aku-chan: Ha ha! …I don't get it…O.o Kie-san: Thanks!

HellsfuryGumi: Aku-chan: Errr, LOOK! IT'S SNOWING!

Valaroma: Kie-san: Yah, but Kenshin has to put up with a lot more than maniacs. Poor poor Ken-chan… (-grins!-)

Enchanted Sleeper: Thank youu! Yah, we do too (Aku-chan: no we don't, we're the ones writing this crap!)

MouseGirlL: Aku-chan: We did it! And thank you, de gozaru!

Kie-san: To all you reading this, (-sob!-) arigato!

Aku-chan: Brown noser…

Kie-san: (-grin!-)

PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR OTHER HUMOR FIC, ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KENSHIN, SANO, AND YAHIKO GET TRANSPORTED TO MODERN TIME MEXICO? STUFF!

Aku-chan: (-slump!-) We're done!

Kie-san: Leave a review or Aku-chan will shave off your eyebrows!

….seriously, she will O.o