Disclaimer: For your entertainment, Gollum/Smeagol/Elvis will recite a poem.

Gollum/Smeagol/Elvis: (Clears throat)

In dark caveses

On sharp rockses

We wants the Precious

Now, Precious,

Never trusts nasty hobbitses (receives sharp glances from hobbit huggers)

Or wicked elvses (receives sharper glances from fan girls)

Tells whole cold worlds that

Happy Masako Moonshades owns nothing, Precious.

Itsy bitsy nothingses!

Now nasty lawyers must

Goes away from us, Precious.

(Applause) We thanks them, Precious (scurries off stage).

AN: sorry for the long disclaimer. Poetry unit in English. Plus a heavily altered copy of Blue Kat (no pun intended). This is what I do with my life when I'm not paying attention in school. Which should explain a lot.

It took just under a day to get to Lorien. In just under that time, I made a startling discovery:

I was not in Carmel anymore.

More importantly, I was not in Indiana anymore.

In fact, I was beginning to suspect that I was no longer in the United States.

Or the Northern Hemisphere.

Or our own little Earth under our own little sun.

I decided that these facts were really beginning to mess with my head, so I decided to instead concentrate on the journey to 'Lorien'.

At first, there was just marching. Aragorn kept the pace fast, despite the growing exhaustion of his company. This, at least, was logical: if all their energy was spent running, they couldn't concentrate on grieving.

A bit twisted, but it worked.

The thing is, Elvis and I also had to hurry if we wanted to keep them in sight. It seemed Elvis had some mysterious reason to follow the fellowship, but I had personally started to like all of them.

So sue me.

Anyway, by the time we all reached the forest, I had sufficiently cursed Aragorn so that all his descendents for seven generations would be born with mushrooms for eyes, carrots for fingers, and beets growing out of their noses. The curse probably wouldn't work, but it made me feel a lot better.

Elvis seemed to be a bit upset when the company reached Lorien. I blamed it on a day of blindness, nonstop running, and me screaming in his ear when Gandalf fell into the abyss.

"What's wrong, buddy?" I asked when his brooding seemed to get too deep. Elvis looked startled.

"Oh...nothings, Precious, nothings, Stephses..." I shot him a reproving look. "...Elvses. Wicked Elvses." I nodded understandingly.

A leaf crunched in the distance.

"Come, Stephses," Elvis whispered suddenly. "Wicked Elvses are here." Almost ghostlike, he darted between the trees, and I was at his heels. I wasn't nearly as skilled at slinking around as he was, but I was better than most, and good enough to avoid most eyes. We crept to a nearby tree and swiftly climbed into the sheltering leaves, quietly watching the unfolding scene below us.

"Stay close, young hobbits," Gimli whispered. "They say a great sorceress lives here, an Elf-witch of terrible power. All those who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again..." I heard an ominous crack, and felt the branch beneath me start to break. I looked around desperately for something else to support my weight, but there were no thick branches anywhere near me. I tried to scramble back toward the tree's trunk. "But this is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily! I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox! Oh!" The dwarf suddenly found himself with a drawn arrow between his eyes. I laughed silently at the irony of this. Then I cursed inwardly. My foot was stuck in one of the many forks of another branch, and I couldn't pull it out. The creaking was getting a little louder.

"The dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot him in the dark." Said a new figure as it melted from the shadows of the forest. My first reaction was... Vampire. I swear. It was everything about the guy-from his V shaped hairline to the icy expression in his eyes, as well as the cold way he said that last line: as though killing Gimli would be no more than a slight annoyance. Emphasis on killing. As in murder. Even the pale-ish skin made for an almost undead effect. And there was also the fact that he looked rather hot. Not my type in the slightest (I make it a habit not to date vampires), but I could see definite hot guy potential. Which, may I note, is another sign of vampirism. In fact, the only things that I could see to discourage the thought was his bow (vampires use their teeth and hypnotic powers), his cloths (they were green, not black, but I suppose black dye would be hard to find around here), his hair (blond. But then, what color would his hair be? Purple?), and the fact that he was out in the middle of the day. Though SPF 45 could probably explain that.

"Haldir o Lorien" Aragorn said. The thought suddenly came to me that this guy might be one of the Elves Elvis was talking about. I wondered vaguely if Elves drank blood. I wondered some more if my foot would ever come loose from that stupid branch. "Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn" I wondered more about what on earth Aragorn was saying.

"Aragorn," Gimli said, his voice dripping with a nervous haste, "These woods are perilous. We should go back!" The Vampire-Elf shot Gimli a look that could have frozen the sun.

"You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back."

There was a sharp crack and the branch gave way under my weight. For a few moments, I dangled by my ankle, about six feet in the air, yet still somewhat hidden by the dense leaves around me. Every head, Elven, Vampiric and otherwise, turned to me, and I said a silent prayer that they wouldn't see me. Another crack sounded, and the fork splintered around my ankle, leaving a slightly twisted ankle, a heavy bruise, and about eight painful splinters wedged in my upper foot.

Oh yes, and did I forget to mention that I fell about six feet headfirst into a thorn bush?!?!?

"Cremeion sey notarie," I heard the Vampire/Elf say. I didn't need to know Elvish/Vampiric to know what that meant: 'go over there and find out what just happened'.

I was royally screwed.

I shook my head a few times to get rid of the weird fireworks and double imaging, and to regain consciousness.

"There is no creature near this place, save for birds," one of the Elves said. "Only a fallen branch upon a briar." Vampires or not, I decided, I like the way these guys talk. By this time, of course, I had managed to clear my head and sneak off into the shadows of the forest, my muddy, leaf covered cloths blending in perfectly to the golden browns of the trees.

"Come. She is waiting," Haldir said, obviously convinced that there wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I stayed far away from the small crowd until they were out of sight and earshot, when Elvis crept from the tree.

"Is Stephses all right, Precious?" he said with concern. I smiled and checked myself over.

"Only a few bumps and scratches. Nothing to worry about." Elvis didn't look quite convinced. His eyes drifted to my foot, which I had barely let touch the ground since I fell. "I just twisted it. That's all." To prove my point, I stepped down with my injured foot. Yet at the lightest touch, pain shot through my leg, making me wince. "Okay... Have you seen my spear?" I asked as an idea entered my mind. In answer, Elvis shot up the tree and back down again, retrieving my spear from the branches where it had lodged itself. When the weapon was back in my hands, I wedged the blunt end of the shaft into the ground. "See? A walking stick." I used the spear as more of a crutch, but it allowed me to walk well enough. Elvis kept giving me worried glances as we walked, though.

"How about we get something to eat?" I asked him after a good hour of walking. Neither of us had any idea about where the company had been taken, and it was already too risky to come near the Elves/vampires. Elvis agreed eagerly, and we began to search for water.

It didn't take more than fifteen minutes to find a lake and catch a few fish. While we ate, I took the liberty of soothing my injured ankle in the cool water and idly glanced at my reflection.

Then it hit me.

I hadn't taken so much as a shower since before I fell in that sinkhole. That was at least two months ago. I was literally caked n mud and dirt and all around grime.

"Hey, Elvis?" I asked, trying to keep the shock out of my voice.

"Yes, Stephses?"

"Um... I'm going to take a bath for just a second. Do you think you could...um...go exploring for a little bit?"

"Why's that, Precious?" I felt a flush growing in my dirty cheeks.

"I...um...kind of need privacy for that kind of thing...you know..." For a moment, Elvis seemed confused, but suddenly understanding dawned on his face.

"Oh...Yes, Precious. We will be exploring. For a little time. Calls if you needs us."

"Thank you." I smiled.

I pulled off my muddy cloths, leaving on my undergarments, just in case Elvis came back sooner than I planned. I crudely washed my outfit, rubbing it against a few of the cleaner stones and rinsing it out in the brook that fed the lake, then leaving it in the branches of a nearby tree to dry. I even cleaned my spear, setting it with my cloths.

Then it was my turn.

Sorely wishing for a bar of soap, I began to wash the mud and dirt and dried blood off my skin. I rubbed at the more stubborn patches of grime and the cuts and combed my hair with my fingers. I took extra care to clean my face, wondering vaguely how my skin would look when it was dirt free. I dove into the water again, to rinse off one last time before leaving the pool.

Boy, was I in for a surprise.

When my head cleared the water, I saw two Vampires/Elves, both male, standing right in front of me. Note that I was wearing only a tank top and underwear. So I screamed.

I take an intermission from the story to bring up an important point, and that would be the custom of chivalry. Typically, chivalry would include guys being honest, brave, fair, and running to the aid of a damsel in distress. I also would like to note my infamous obsession with modesty. Infamous as I used to wear special cloths to the shower. Back to the story.

I suddenly realized my mistake. Both of the Vampires/Elves immediately flushed and turned away, embarrassed. But there was a sound of footsteps, and in a few moments, four more Vampires/Elves had appeared on the scene. The crowd had now positioned itself between me and my cloths. And to make matters worse, more were coming every moment. I dove back under the water, seeking shelter beneath the shield of ripples.

When my breath ran out, I was forced to surface, this time in the middle of a patch of lily pads. The crowd had grown even larger, and now included Aragorn and Boromir. I wanted to die of embarrassment. The crowd evidently thought I had fallen in and was in the process of drowning. The flush in my cheeks brightened, and I pulled a lily pad in front of me, like some kind of barrier between myself and the growing crowd.

One by one, my spectators suddenly reddened and turned away, immediately finding a bird or some leaf to be incredibly amusing. I noticed, with growing annoyance, that none of them had thought of actually leaving me to get some cloths on. I swear, for a half hour we were stuck like that: the entire crowd staring intently at any random object that wasn't in front of them, while I was stuck in the middle of the stupid lake, treading water, wondering if my legs would just fall off or something. At one point, I also noticed a small patch of purple from before my fall into the sinkhole, and scrubbed at that to pass the time. I remained in the middle of the lily pads, because they provided the best cover of anything in the lake, but my constant kicking was quickly scattering the plants.

Boromir looked me straight in the eyes. A moment later, he pulled off his cloak and threw it into the lake, right into my hands.

"Look!" He suddenly shouted to the crowd, pointing in some obscure direction. "Over there...We must...see to it! Immediately!" Everyone seemed to agree with this instruction, and hurried off to examine whatever Boromir had pointed at. I nearly cried with gratitude. I staggered to the dry land, covered by Boromir's cloak, legs aching, and blue with cold.

But there were no guys in sight.

I was in bliss.

Evidently, Boromir's cloak was pretty thick. One side of it had remained dry, so I used it as a towel. When I was good and dry, I found my cloths, also clean and dry, and got dressed.

The coming of night posed yet another problem.

All of the forest was just that-open woodland. There was no place where I could sleep that would in any way hinder the approach of more Elves. Elvis insisted I sleep in a tree, but I argued: with my luck, I would fall off another branch and break an arm or something. We eventually formed a compromise. One tree had a large hollow spot, about ten feet over the ground. The hollow was well hidden, and it would keep the rain and wind and whatever else out. And if there was trouble, Elvis could find it easily.

I wondered vaguely if the hollow belonged to some family of mutant squirrels or something.

My schedual was set: in the morning, I would go exploring with Elvis. We would go looking for our company (I'm not sure when they became our company, but we watched over them nonetheless), and finding new places to fish, and perfecting techniques concerning the avoidance of Elves. In the afternoon, we would fish and eat, and tell stories and riddles. At twilight, Elvis went off to whatever tree he slept in, while I cleaned my teeth and washed my face and hands, etc. At night I would retreat into my hollow and sleep.

Generally I dreamed about this group of kids, a few years younger than me, who kept turning into animals. Sometimes my dreams were about giant mutant squirrels with suits and violin cases who returned from a shortening of the hit list by the secret squirrel Mafia, and they wanted their hollow back. That dream always ended in a strange way: the squirrels kept opening their violin cases, revealing a large store of nuts, and started throwing them at me.

Then one night, when I had been in Lorien for about a week, I had a new dream. There was this lady, an Elf/Vampire, by the looks of her, wearing this long white dress. She was looking right at me, and I felt like I had just been turned into some kind of giant book and was being read. The Vampire/Elf looked me in the eye.

"Welcome, Stephanie Gaia of Illinois." She said in a whisper.

"Uh...Hi." I said.

"You have come in pursuit of a company. To the Wise they are known as the Fellowship of the Ring."

"We're naming groups after jewelry now? That's interesting." The lady smiled. "Who are you?"

"I am the Lady Galadriel." Galadriel said. I considered calling her Gally, but decided against it.

"Interesting...Are you another figment of my dreams, brought on by all the fish I've been eating?"

"No. I am not." The Lady was clearly amused.

"Okay. I'm still sleeping, right?"

"That is true."

"Cool. Then, why do I see you? You know, generally, when I dream stuff, it's just random...stuff. There's no logic or anything to it." The Lady's smile changed a little, as though she knew some secret and was inwardly gloating over it, yet trying to remain noble and polite at the same time.

"Your dreams have more logic than you know, Stephanie." She said.

"They do? Spiffy!"

"Spiffy?"

"You know...Spiffy. Cool. Sweet. Halebujunkers. Boingtastic. Wowsers. Coolerooni. Good." I noticed with some satisfaction that Galadriel looked more than a little disturbed by my vocabulary.

"Indeed." She managed to say.

"So, Lady Galadriel, what is it you wanted to tell me?" I said, finally getting to the point.

"You have dwelled in my forest for seven days-"

"Busted. You noticed that? Sorry. Continue."

"Yet you are permitted to stay as long as you wish."

"Really? Spiffy! Thank you!"

"You have a great part to play in the destiny of Middle Earth, Stephanie Gaia." Galadriel said. The air seemed to fog up, and in the next moment, I was awake.

AN: Read and Review. Also read The Truth About Elves by Blue Kat.

Also: If you guys have any suggestions, questions, comments, ideas, etc, please send them in. I'll answer any questions to the best of my ability, I'll fix any sore spots you guys catch, I'll try to add in as many ideas from you guys as possible, and give the submitter full credit for the idea.

Also: For anyone who cares, I'm not updating until I get at least five more reviews. This seems to work for other authors, so I'll try it too.

interesting mental images. Aragorn, Frodo, Balroc, and company dragging me to court, getting me a lawyer, and suing me for growing fond of the company. Then winning. More interesting mental images-Gimli in a tux and cologne.