Disclaimer: My chances of owning the Lord of the Rings are about the same as for me to fall down a well, end up in feudal Japan, suddenly acquiring amazing abilities with a bow and arrow, meeting, freeing, and falling in love with a Youkai, and then growing up to be the queen of Mars.
Chapter Five
Can you hear me now? I thought at Galadriel. It appeared she had some kind of long ranged telepathic ability. At some points, when I wasn't conversing with Elvis, I would talk to her. After a few days of general shock at this fact, I became used to it, and after a few more days of overused formality, I began to feel at ease. Which is good, because it can get really unnerving, knowing that someone can look right into your mind at any given moment.
Yes, Galadriel replied.
Good. I chuckled.
What was the purpose of that? Galadriel asked, puzzled. She generally respected my privacy and didn't pry into my mind whenever it suited her. I mentally sent her an image of the Verizon Wireless guy. She laughed lightly. In the small messages she sent to me, I was able to piece together a little about her: she was a good person, a leader among her people, and under a lot of pressure. Her powers had singled her out to be the guardian of the forest, and probably of the rest of Middle Earth. Middle Earth, she had explained to me, was what this place was called. Lorien and Moria and everything else. Because of her power, she was required to be constantly in and out of the mind of everyone in the forest, and perhaps everyone on the continent. She was forced to be the witness to war, death, crime, treachery, and every bad day ever experienced by these people. The stress that she was always under was unfathomable.
So I had made it my personal mission to make her laugh.
And frankly, I felt I was succeeding.
How do you put a horse into an icebox? I asked Galadriel.
I did not realize that horses could enter iceboxes.
It's easy. You open the box, put the horse in, and close the box. There was another peal of laughter. How do you put a dog in an icebox? I asked.
Do you open the box, then place the dog into the box, and seal the box again?
Close. You open the box, take out the horse, put in the dog, and then close the box. I received a mental smile. I continued the joke: the lord of the animals called a meeting, and all the animals came but one. Which one stayed behind?
The dog?
You're getting good at this. Okay: you have to cross a river, but there are no bridges or boats, and poisoned snakes live in the river. How do you get across? The joke had required a lot of modification, but it served its purpose.
I'm not sure. Galadriel said, anticipating the punch line of the riddle.
You just swim across: all the snakes went to the meeting! Galadriel laughed openly this time, thoroughly enjoying the joke. I was taking another bath, this one late at night, carefully avoiding another accidental sighting. When my bath and long distance conversation were done, I toweled off and returned to my hollow.
Oh yeah, I sent drowsily as I drifted off to sleep. Where can I find Boromir? I need to return his cloak to him…
That night I had another weird dream.
Gee, that's news.
This one was another Sqirrell Mafia dream, but the giant squirels were surrounding a small blue cat, loading slingshots with nuts and chanting update, update! in a threatening way. After a while, my vision fuzzed, and I was in a schooner, talking to a pirate who looked remarkably like Legolas, while a drunk looking pirate walked by, commenting on the advantages of dishonesty. I then saw myself, sitting in a lay-Z-boy, typing up fanfictions while propping my keyboard up on my knees, and at the same time eating oreos and milk. Then the oreos turned into fish, which started flopping around until they spilled my milk. The milk continued to pour from the glass as though from a hose, until it became a rushing river, complete with rapids, running through my house. I, still in my Lay-Z-Boy, began to float down the river, still typing, until I was washed out of my house and into the grand canyon. While in the grand canyon, I saw a dog eared, silver haired youkai, a japanese schoolgirl, and a little kid with a tail, all on a raft, floating by, singing the princess pat. Then it started raining spiders and the powerpuff girls flew down and gave me a large orange umbrella. The wind suddenly picked up, and blew the umbrella, held by me, away, out into the stone garden. After I landed, I decided that I didn't want to take anymore trips, so I closed the umbrella. The object's tip brushed against a sapphire flower, shattering it. Once more, I was surrounded by the twinkling of breaking glass, until the ground beneath me disapeared.
And I was between the cliff and the road again. Only now, I was dangling at the base of the cliff, pulling myself up the steep surface. A drop of hot liquid touched my cheek, and I noticed that my hand was bleeding again.
And just to add to my confusion, the voice started yelling at me again.
"Choose! Only you command your fate now: Life or Death. Dark or Light. Hardship or Escape. Choose now! Choose! Only you can decide, and only now. Choose!" Another drop fell, this one landing in my eye, which hurt like a lot of things that I will not name.
"One second," I muttered at the voice, and let go of the cliff with my uninjured hand.
May I once more note that I am infinatly stupid when I am asleep.
I tried to rub the blood away, but as I did, a third ruby drop parted from my hand. It landed on my bottom lip, and I lost all grip of the rock face. I fell back, down onto a ground that was no longer there.
I woke up as the gray of night was just beginning to give way to the golden rays of sunshine. Elvis probably wouldn't be awake for a while, so I decided to chat with Galadriel.
Hiya. I thought.
Hello, Stephanie. Galadriel replied.
Hey Galadriel, I was wondering something.
What is it? Galadriel asked.
Um… no offense or anything, but… are you a Vampire?
A what? Galadriel seemed thoroughly puzzled.
Guess not. I thought sheepishly. Um… what are you, then? If you don't mind my asking, that is…
I felt another peal of laughter from the friendly neighborhood telepath.
Forgive me! I almost forgot how little you know of my kind. I am a High Elf.
Spiffy! But what's that? Another peal of laughter. Obviously Galadriel was highly amused by my ignorance. Which is fine with me.
Do you know what an Elf is?
My knowledge extends to really really short dudes who go around making toys and cookies for good little boys and girls.
In Middle Earth, there is a race of beings such as myself, known as Elves. My kind are immortal and wise, and skilled craftsmen-
And craftswomen,
And craftswomen, and our works are legend among the other races.
Spiffy! And just so I don't mess anything else up, could you tell me about the others? Please? I thought a sad puppy dog face at her. I received a mental smile.
There are Men, mortal, and often misled by their greed. Also Dwarves, who are smaller, bearded, and lords of stone and earth. Hobbits there are as well, though they grow to be but the size of children. They can be naïve, but there is a deep and endearing wisdom in them.
I hear that. Those little guys can be really cute sometimes.
Yes. A truly childlike sweetness.
That was just about the end of our conversation, because that's about when Elvis came by my hallow.
"Did Stephses have a nice rests, Precious?" he asked. I smiled warmly.
"Yup. What about you?"
"We sleeps nice, yes," he said, stretching.
Galadriel was our guide as we explored that day. She gave me directions by thought, as was normal for me, and had me repeat the directions to Elvis. Apparently he still held a heavy grudge against the Elves, and probably would have had a seizure if one got in his head. We wandered closer to the Elves than I was used to, and on several occasions we came close to getting caught. Interestingly enough, every time an Elf came too close, he would suddenly look vague and distracted, then hurry off in some other direction. I thanked Galadriel for that. We found the Fellowship resting in a clearing, and both of us memorized the area immediately, and from there continued our watching game. Over the next few weeks, I made a few interesting observations.
Boromir was incredibly surprised to find his cloak, neatly folded next to his bed the next day.
Legolas and Aragorn both had an odd tendency to go wandering around the woods with the native Elves. I didn't understand why Aragorn, clearly human, was so interested in the forest, but I had no way to ask him about it, so I kept my questions to myself. I also spotted him occasionally muttering to himself in some other language. He kept repeating the word Arwen, but then, that means about as much to me as a spoon full of cottage cheese.
For all I know, Arwen might be Italian for smiley face.
Sam followed Frodo around mercilessly, though he seemed to finally have put down his pack, and not once on my watch did Sam take out a TV. Or an E-Book. Or a cell phone. Or an etch and sketch.
All he did-ever-was follow Frodo around.
I felt sincerely sorry for the poor Hobbit.
Merry and Pippin, who I had earlier counted on to cause trouble, were actually acting sober. Most of their time was occupied at staring at the giant trees and stones and looking awed.
Gimli kept himself entertained by talking about Galadriel. To anyone who would listen, he would rattle off every positive thing he could find about her. In immense detail. At one point I saw him telling a squirrel-I'm not kidding-about how perfect her nose was. He was actually pretty good with words, but his nonstop dreamy eyed compliments were beginning to scare me. I later informed Galadriel that she would soon have a stalker, and advised her to get a can of pepper spray.
Boromir remained relatively quiet, and the few times he spoke, it was about his home. His words were like poetry, all about his father and brother, and the White City where they lived now. Often I heard an edge of worry enter his voice, as he spoke of the Shadow from the East, and of enemy armies. I could almost see the glorious white tower in the distance, almost hear the ominous thunder of an army's march.
Of course, I had absolutely no idea why this Shadow thing would be such a big deal. But it was a cool story nonetheless.
Weeks passed, though they seemed a lot shorter than usual. Between Elvis and my spy game, my chats with Galadriel, my jump started bathing habits, and fishing, time went by quickly. And I was very sorry to learn that we would be leaving in a few days.
During one of the spy trips, the company informed Galadriel that it was time for them to continue on their quest.
Which, may I remind you, was to destroy a piece of jewelry.
Elvis and I held a council that afternoon.
I was prepped to give a really great speech to convince Elvis to let us keep following the Fellowship. Of course, since I would be the one giving the speech, and since my speech giving skills leave a lot to be desired, my intervention would probably resulted in us staying in Lorien forever.
Fortunately, Elvis stopped me before I said my first word.
"Stephses," he said, "we has to follow them." I was surprised, relieved, and a bit confused.
"Okay," I said.
"Stephses is happy with it, Precious?" he asked, about as surprised as I was.
"Yup." I said.
"Then… lets leaves one days after them, Precious."
"Sounds good to me," I said. As it turned out, councils between the two of us were notoriously short.
Elvis and I will be leaving soon, I told Galadriel.
Will you be following the Fellowship? She asked me.
Yes. I'm not sure why though. It just… it just feels right, if you'll believe that.
I believe it. And I had a feeling that you would. I have said before, Stephanie Gaia, that you still have a part to play in the destiny of Middle Earth. And I feel that that part will come among the Fellowship. But I have a surprise for you-hurry, go to your tree, I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? I thought. What is it? But Galadriel wouldn't tell me. She only laughed lightly and told me to go to my tree. Minutes later I was there, still trying to get Galadriel to tell me what the surprise was.
When I climbed up into my tree, I saw it-a small vessel, the same size and shape as a holly leaf, all silver and veined in gold, and it opened up, just like a locket. Inside was something like lip balm, a light green in color.
It is mavelas, a powerful healing salve. Rub some of this over any wound, and it will close, and heal perfectly and quickly. Use it wisely, for there is little.
I-um-wow… Thank you. I said. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me.
You are a good friend, Stephanie Gaia. I wish you safety on your journeys. I mentally hugged Galadriel.
The salve wasn't the only gift I got from Galadriel. I also got a new set of cloths! They were made by the Elves, though they were made to look dwarven (I had to barrow some clothes from some of the larger corpses back in Moria. Let's face it-jeans and a tee shirt don't last forever.) for Elvis's sake. I also got a canteen (Galadriel called it a water skin, but I prefer canteen) and a special stone so I could sharpen the head of my spear (which I was only allowed to use after Galadriel told me how to use it). All my things were kept in a little backpack thing I also 'borrowed' from Moria.
I tried out the salve for the first time that night. My ankle, though it was healing, was still hurting me. So I rubbed a bit of it on my ankle. At first there was nothing. Then I felt a cool, soothing feeling wash through my ankle. By morning I could find no trace of the swelling or the bruise that had decorated my foot since I had entered Lorien.
When the Fellowship left, they went on the river by canoe. They had oars and a dry place to sit and everything.
When Elvis and I left, we went on the river by log. We sat on the log and took turns churning the water behind us so we would go faster. We were constantly wet, the only oars we got were our hands, and I got splinters.
Not that I'm bitter.
Actually, Galadriel offered to give us a boat. I ran this idea by Elvis, but he rejected it. With a passion. He went off on this little 'Elves will only hurt us and send armies to chase us, etc, etc,' spree, so I finally gave in and accepted his decision.
So, as I was saying, we were up a river on a log. For the sake of secrecy from the Fellowship, Elvis decided that we should stay as quiet as possible.
So that ruled out talking.
And riddles.
And singing The Princess Pat.
So instead, I entertained myself with my imagination. I thought of the looks I would have gotten from the preps and the jocks if I were suddenly to appear in the middle of high school one day. Then I entertained myself by writing an imaginary book-the Elvis/Steph Plan.
On the Elvis/Steph plan, you can lose pounds by the hour! Trim that tummy! Tighten those thighs! You want toning? You got it! The secret? Start by eating fish! Exclusively. And only the fish that you catch with your bare hands, and/or with a spear. Then spend months on end rock climbing and swimming. Then learn how to use a spear and kick as many orc butts as humanly possible. When you're done with that, run a mini marathon with a group of men/hobbits/wizard/dwarf/elf who are perfectly happy with running night and day without rest. While your legs recover from that, go swimming every night, treat yourself with berries, eat more fish, and go climb a few dozen trees! And after that, why, it's the water disco!
I then created a nifty little workout video to go with my current experience, just for those who couldn't exercise unless they were watching television.
C'mon ladies! Work it! Now kick! Kick! Kick! Kick! Come on, we only have eighteen more miles to go! Kick! Kick! Kick!
And when your legs have all but fallen off…
Now for the arms! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!…
I swore I would never watch another exercise video as long as I live.
