Yoshikawa seemed to need some time before he could say anything. He never quite knew what to do when people tried to reach out to him, even after repeated sympathetic looks from the same faces. "I'm not depressed."
"Oh, right, I forget. You have that permanent look of hurt on your face." Kikuchi put his hand on Yoshikawa's shoulder, softening the words. "You always take everything to heart, Yoshikawa. Sometimes, I think you let all these problems get to you too much."
The boy with affectability in question tried to repress the hint of helplessness in his voice. "I can't cope with things like you do."
Kikuchi knew better than to take that as an insult. "I know, I'm not saying you should. I just think you should cope, one way or another."
All of a sudden, a surprising surge of panic captured Yoshikawa and slithered almost thrillingly up his spine. It was as if he'd felt Kikuchi's intent to get up and walk away, like it was a tangible sign that the other boy was about to leave it at that. And he didn't know why, considering he didn't even want company in the first place, but the thought of Kikuchi giving a goodbye pat on his shoulder accompanied by a few supportive words was an unacceptable one to Yoshikawa.
"Anko broke up with me," he blurted out. Embarrassed, he added, "About a week ago. She broke up with me. I think."
"So you really were together?" Kikuchi muttered, more to himself.
Yoshikawa's head hung lower than usual. "I think."
"Are we going to share break up stories now?" Kikuchi wondered mildly.
"I don't want to talk about it," Yoshikawa replied almost automatically. He winced. That was a guaranteed move to drive anyone away.
"I didn't think so." Kikuchi leaned against the tree now, mimicking the other boy's position. "It'll get better."
"Is that what happened with you? Has it gotten better?" Yoshikawa asked, completely out of curiosity. "I don't even know. How could I not know? We've really drifted apart, and I didn't even notice." He glanced at Kikuchi, who was wearing a thoughtful expression on his usually neutral face. "I could not have said all of that out loud."
"You did," Kikuchi confirmed, with a barely contained smile. "And you're right about what's happened to us, unfortunately."
"I didn't even realize that you and I were..." Yoshikawa began. "That I actually considered you a close friend. I mean... I must have been really preoccupied with Onizuka leaving." He noticed he brought his teacher up again, and just stopped talking, a residue habit from trying too long to be romantically involved with Anko.
Kikuchi actually smirked a little at Yoshikawa's face - it was as if the boy was experiencing an intense bout of enlightenment. "I'm fine with being taken for granted."
Whoops, that didn't sound too good.
"I- I didn't mean to-" Yoshikawa stuttered, like he was trying to get the apology out as quickly as possible.
"No, it's fine," Kikuchi cut him off. "I didn't mean to sound accusing. I meant it as it was, that it's alright. So long as, in the first place, you felt that there was something to take for granted. Do you understand?" Kikuchi was trying to tell him that, Yes, I am your friend, thank you for finally realizing this.
Yoshikawa felt his neck rush with blood, although he wasn't entirely sure why. "I think so."
"So maybe next time you won't look so disoriented when I sit beside you in some dramatic setting and ask you if there's anything I can do to help?"
Yoshikawa chuckled slightly. "Was that what you were doing?"
"I tried," Kikuchi defended himself.
"Thanks," Yoshikawa said softly. He was feeling silly, so he turned away from Kikuchi to hide a wide smile. The smile slowly dissolved when he wondered to himself if he'd even done anything remotely friendly when Kikuchi had broken up with Kanzaki. "I didn't even try for you, did I? I knew you were going through a rough time... Everyone knew."
"You were afraid of not knowing what to say, and now you don't know how to react to my way of dealing with things. That's hardly unforgivable." Kikuchi snorted. "When everyone found out about me, it caused little to no commotion. After the downward spiral triggered by that widely talked about break-up, I don't think I could've done anything to shock anyone. I went on living outside convention, and everyone let me be. You all allowed me to do as I wished without so much as a question flung at my direction.
"But I'd always knew you'd be uncomfortable with it. I knew the others would, too, but yours is the discomfort I don't know how to brush off." Kikuchi felt eyes on him, but he didn't reciprocate the gaze. "The thing is, I'm not ashamed about what I'm doing. But it's not as if I don't care whether or not it makes it hard for you to be my friend."
"I don't want to be uncomfortable around you..." Yoshikawa sighed. "I shouldn't have not done anything. I shouldn't have not asked just because I kinda didn't want to hear the details... Right? How- how's it working out?"
"A friendly piece of advise, you really shouldn't ask me that right after admitting that you don't want to hear the answer." The smile wasn't on Kikuchi's face, but it was certainly in his tone.
"I... um..." Yoshikawa faltered. "Alright, maybe I'm not that eager to hear about it, but... to coin a phrase, I tried. I do want to show you that I appreciate your offer to listen to me, so... If there's anything you want to let out, I want to hear it. Really. Go ahead, offend me."
"That's very generous of you." But Kikuchi didn't say anything more.
In an effort to show his newfound courage, Yoshikawa touched upon a subject that everyone tended to avoid when Kikuchi was around. "So... Uh, why... why's Kanzaki still living with you?"
"She wants to," Kikuchi said, not appearing surprised by the inquiry. "Better living conditions, so I'm told."
"Really?"
"In the long run, it made everything else easier to deal with. Not that it wasn't a pain in the ass at first, and I think it compromised the 'get as many lovers as I can' objective, living with my ex-girlfriend and all."
"...Compromised?" This was repeated in his that's-news-to-me look, accompanied by the rarity of widened eyes. Not that he could be blamed for his shock, upon recollection of the string of names that could, at least once in their lifetime, be linked to Kikuchi's.
"She had a point, too, when she was convincing me. She pointed out that I wasn't dating Murai, but I let him board with me. All I could do was be flooded with relief, as I am quite certain never to find myself stooping so low as to include Murai in my admittedly large list of prospects. Anyway, I let her stay. All her stuff's there already..." He said it as if it explained everything. "And there would be hell to pay if I kicked her out. Wasn't too eager to associate myself in any way with her wrath."
"...Like most sane people."
"Exactly."
It was commendable how long Yoshikawa could prolong a nod.
Kikuchi decided to help him out. "Do you want to ask me about the break up, and then what could have incurred the rampant dating? If it can be called dating, that is..."
"Um..."
"The Kanzaki one is harder to explain, so I'm guessing that'll be more interesting to talk about..."
"You invested a lot of emotion in our relationship. It took a year just to get us to work, you know? We were setting ourselves up for a huge collapse. Really, for what the world considers such intelligent people, we couldn't have stopped it any later than we did."
Kikuchi made no movement.
"You thought I understood what you go through. And for the most part, that's right. I understand how it is to know so much and to care for so little... but it never meant that I understood you. We would understand what the other one was thinking, maybe even why, but never how. I knew you - I know you - but I could never understand you. It's obvious why we're friends - we have a lot in common. But we couldn't have made it because we're too much alike - but only by circumstance. Otherwise, we're completely different."
"You completely over-analyze everything."
"Just trust me, okay? It's stupid, but I'm going to have to ask you to do it. Trust me. If it helps, I'm smarter than you, right?" She had meant to tease him and get him a bit petulant so that the situation wouldn't get too serious.
But Kikuchi wasn't about to follow her plans. "And now it boils down to you're too smart to be with me."
"No, that's not it. I'm too smart to continue a relationship with a close friend. That's closer to the truth."
"You were never this vague and pretentious before, certainly not simultaneously," Kikuchi said icily.
"Alright, here it is - attraction's supposed to be instant."
"You don't believe that attraction is something that can build up as people get to know each other?"
"No, but I understand that you believe that, and even why. What I don't understand is how you can. See, even if we have the capacity to think alike - to understand what the other understands - we don't. Moreover, we don't want to. When we became more than friends, we tried to work around that... And that was so troublesome. You're far more fascinating when I don't try to get along with you the way you want me to, when I have no other responsibility besides being your friend. Between us, friendship is really tricky, but it's fun. When I try to cheer you up, I actually want to do it. When I get sick and tired of you, it's a comforting kind of sick and tired. When we're friends, I'm me, and you're you."
"Grow up, Urumi! You don't have to understand everything about me and I don't have to comply with all your requirements. Compromise. That's what a relationship is about. I get it, you think that being in love is for the dull and uninteresting. Why, because everyone you know undergoes the same thing? When you love people for the same reason that most people love each other, does it make you less special? When you see that you have the same problems that everyone else has to overcome, does it irritate you that you weren't the girl who invented alienation? That's what this is about, isn't it? When we aren't together, you can find ways to complicate our relationship. You can show off all your little mental screw-ups just so you don't appear ordinary. Well, grow. Up. Everytime you fall in love, you will create a great, fancyfied tragedy out of it so you can escape the fact that there was an undeniable chance of you existing in a normal relationship. You'll mangle that chance, you don't want any of it if it doesn't startle... It only makes sense that you wouldn't want any arrangement wherein I love you, simple and straightforward, willing to do anything and change everything for you, just because it's too easy for you to handle!"
It had been the first time for Kanzaki to hear him say it. "Yoshito..."
"What?"
"I'm not in love with you. I tried, for so long, just because it made sense. Everything I said - yeah, that was me rationalizing. Because I tried to fall in love with you. I'm a teenage girl, I was so desperate to feel that. Sorry for shooting down your theories about wanting to be different, but I wanted to feel what everyone else was ranting and raving about. I wanted that normalcy. And I thought it had to be you. I really believed I would fall for you, like I wouldn't be able to stop it. But... I care for you." She spat out the words, too emotional for her liking. "I'm not in love with you, but I really did want to be."
"She wanted to be with me because the odds we're she'd fall in love with me. She said the signs were there, and she followed them." Kikuchi exhaled, not sighed. He did not do it in sadness, he did it to let breath out. "The odds were wrong."
"She said that to you?" Yoshikawa mumbled softly.
"She didn't say it to hurt me," Kikuchi said rather dispassionately. "Anyway, we never ever talk about our relationship. After we had this thorough discussion, we promised that we wouldn't put each other through any of that again."
"But it wasn't the talk that hurt, was it?" Yoshikawa glanced at Kikuchi worriedly when the taller boy didn't say anything. "You really loved her."
"Mmm..." Kikuchi made a noncommital sound. "And Anko?"
"Yeah," Yoshikawa answered without hesitation. "But when we were... sort of together, she just kept getting me all confused about..." He shook his head. He wasn't prepared to let Kikuchi know everything, not when he himself wasn't clear with all the facts. Although he still wanted to open up to his classmate, he found he couldn't bring himself to talk about what Anko had feared about him. Kikuchi would just get severely disturbed. Even after taking into consideration the fact that Kikuchi was currently going out with as many girls and boys as he can, Yoshikawa was hesitant to talk about the issues Anko managed to find between them.
"You had a fight with her, right?" Kikuchi finally turned to peer at Yoshikawa through his thick lenses. "That night before you slept at our apartment."
Yoshikawa nodded.
"What's with your sister?" Kikuchi questioned, remembering that day. "Why did she lock you out?"
"Oh, she didn't do that on purpose." Yoshikawa rolled his eyes. "She forgot. You know, she's getting married and all, so she really has a lot on her mind."
"Is that why she wants you to move in with me?"
Yoshikawa proceeded to choke on his own saliva. "What!"
"She called that same day, told me about her situation..." Kikuchi smiled at the memory, remembering how hard it was for him to believe that this girl - clearly not afraid of imposing on anyone - could be that closely related to Noboru. "I told her it would be difficult, as Murai and Kanzaki are usually opposed to having guests over. Especially my guests. I told her you're welcome to come over as often as you want, though."
"I'm so sorry. My sister's a bit hysterical sometimes and doesn't necessarily think of other people... I can't believe- I really can't believe she went ahead and called you and-"
"Slow down. I've never seen you so flustered." Kikuchi grinned openly this time.
Yoshikawa took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be. Hey, I wish I could make space for you, if your family needs it so terribly. But, to be honest? Between Murai's sports channels and your PlayStation, I don't think you two would be able to survive living in such close proximity, given that we only have one TV set."
"That's okay, I really don't want to be kicked out of our house."
Kikuchi was as bewildered as he was endeared by how grateful Yoshikawa looked, even if he hadn't anything besides blatantly reject having a fourth person under his roof. Actually, half of the bewilderment was caused by the endearment he hadn't expected to feel. "If you're up to voluntarily leaving your house from time to time, you can come by and we can push through with the Latin lessons. At least that doesn't involve anyone moving out, and your sister won't badger you about your grades." Kikuchi didn't even notice that he brought it up again.
Yoshikawa blinked. "You were serious about that?"
"Hmm? Oh. Yeah." It was Kikuchi's turn to take time and consider what he'd just said. "Apparently."
"See, that's good, because... I kind of cut Latin last week." With that, Yoshikawa's head was bowed once again, an unsaid apology written all over his already dreadful posture.
Kikuchi raised an eyebrow. He knew he wasn't one to disapprove, but he couldn't help teasing his friend a little. Sarcastically, he mumbled, "I can see that we're off to a great start."
Chapter four and still no action? This must be some sort of yaoi fic record. -sweatdrop- My initial motivation was to not scare anyone away. The GTO category isn't exactly overflowing with yaoi, so I thought I'd take it easy on the boy-on-boy. It'll come, though, eventually. Be patient with my plot; it listens to no one - certainly not me. Good news, though: that was (most probably) the very last flashback.
Next chapter: More male bonding, if that's alright with you. And speaking of the next chapter, it will come much quicker than this one did, I promise.
