Anymore
Written by: Sher of Sherkay
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek.
A/N: Kay ALWAYS leaves me with the GREATEST cliffhangers! I'll do my best anyway, I wasn't expecting this… LoL… wish me luck.
Ps: Long title ain't it… sorry, couldn't help it, my mum's downstairs watching Malcolm in the Middle on the tele.
Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know – Can you repeat the Question?
"Your wife?" Kathryn echoed. She wasn't sure how she should react. She knew she loved Chakotay, she knew without a doubt that the word that should be on her lips was 'yes' and yet, there was that uncertainty. Kathryn had never been uncertain. Even as a captain, making command decisions, she was never doubtful. When Chakotay and the crew had mixed feelings about the alliance with the Borg she had known for sure that she was doing the right thing. Uncertainty wasn't something Janeway dealt with regularly.
Then again, it occurred to her, she had felt uneasy about being the catalyst for the reason the Maquis and Starfleet were stuck in the Delta Quadrant. Uncertain if they would forgive her, but she reminded herself, she hadn't felt doubtful about blowing up the array, just about its consequences.
Chakotay watched her reasoning with herself. She probably didn't know it, but she did it often. Usually on the bridge, it took her a couple of seconds, although it was taking that much longer it looked no different from usual. He tightened his grip on her hand, but she didn't seem to realize. Hurry up, he tried to tell her. Strange, he didn't anticipate her rejection, but he knew it was coming.
Kathryn felt Chakotay squeeze her hand. He had never pressured her before; she refused to believe he was doing it now. 'What's stopping you from saying yes?' she asked herself. Justin. Mark. Jaffen, the images raced through her mind. She had loved them all, but hadn't they all been copies of Chakotay. She remembered wishing Justin has more depth and feeling. Wishing Mark had been brave and courageous, wishing him to tell her when she was out of line. And Jaffen, he looked so much like Chakotay. She remembered when she'd first met Chakotay on Quarren, when she didn't know who he was. She had felt such a stirring in her, felt the strong need to apologize to him, to look for an excuse to talk to him and whenever she was with him, Jaffen was forgotten. Then, when she looked at Jaffen, she saw Chakotay more and more there, the same build, the same gestures. She shook her head.
"I've enjoyed our last two months together Chakotay," she said testily. Like a child trying to take its first steps. "And I love you, don't doubt that." She ran her hand through his thick black hair and then caressed the side of his face. "I like those little kisses you give me when you leave and your hugs when you say hello. I like the way you say my name, as though for you it holds so much meaning, but isn't that just a starting point, can make the huge leap from that into marriage?"
Chakotay dropped her hand. Kathryn was still talking, but he wasn't listened. She'd said no. He had set himself up to fall again and yet, Kathryn seemed unfazed, as though it was a reaction she had been expecting.
"But I've been known to do many reckless things in my life," she said wryly, "So I'm going to say yes Chakotay."
Once again her hand was in his.
"Chakotay?"
But Chakotay wasn't listening.
TBC….
