STARGATE: SG-1
'You Had Forgotten'
Written by Kiya II
Spoilers for Gamekeeper, Meridian, Abyss, Full Circle, Fallen, Homecoming and minor mentions of Fragile Balance, Orpheus, and Revisions
CHAPTER THREE – A CHILD'S PAIN
"No," Daniel said, backing away from Kat with his hands raised. "No, no and no. I'm not doing it."
Jack stood over by the doorway leading into the living room, laughing hard at the look on Daniel's face. Daniel turned and glared at him, which only made him laugh harder. You're going to get it, O'Neill, Daniel thought as he continued to glare at Jack but also back away from Kat without bumping into anything.
Kat sighed. "Daniel, please. I've always wanted to-"
"And there is probably a very good reason why either A, you've never asked me before or B, I refused," Daniel interrupted. This was not turning out to be a good day.
Jack just kept right on laughing. "Oh Daniel, she has asked but you've always refused."
"I'm not surprised," Daniel muttered, moving behind a chair and trying to keep it between him and Kat.
Kat lowered the camera. "Daniel, I only want to cross-stitch-"
"A picture of me with bare feet and no shirt. I heard you clearly the first time. The answer is still no." He then wheeled on Jack, "I thought you said Kat and I ganged up on you, not the other way around."
Jack stared at Daniel innocently. "Hey, I'm not helping my mom here."
"Yes, but you're not helping me either," Daniel restored, turning back to keep on eye on Kat.
Jack sighed. "Okay fine. Mom, stop harassing Daniel."
Kat huffed as she turned towards Jack. "Fine, but you'll get it later," she answered, shaking a finger at Jack.
Jack sighed. "Why are you going to pick on me? He's the one who won't pose for you."
"He's a guest," Kat answered, taking the camera off from around her neck and setting it down on the coffee table.
Daniel chuckled at the scowl that covered Jack's face. This whole little 'disagreement' was worth it just to see that. "That's a good look for you, Jack."
Jack huffed and turned to head back into the kitchen. "See if I ever help you out again," he threw over his shoulder as he disappeared from sight.
"Oh, trust me, you will," Daniel answered, following Jack. He figured that he'd rather keep bantering with Jack then stay in the living room alone with Kat. He didn't exactly trust her at the moment.
"And how do you plan to make me?" Jack asked as he started pouring himself and, by the looks of it, Daniel another cup of coffee.
"I have my methods," Daniel smiled sweetly, gratefully taking the cup of coffee that Jack offered.
Jack scowled and began walking with his cup of coffee towards the front door and out onto the porch. Daniel just followed along.
They'd been here for nearly three days now, though to Daniel it didn't feel like that. It felt like they had just gotten here yesterday. Of course Daniel had ended up sleeping and eating most of the trip so far so his view on things didn't really count at the moment.
He stepped out onto the porch and went to stand by Jack, leaning up against the railing and staring out into the street. He liked it here. Everything was really peaceful and the people he had met seemed to be really nice. He guessed it was just the area they were in because from what he could remember of New York, things had never been like this.
So many foster homes and so many people who didn't care what happened to him. He couldn't remember having met one nice person when he had been pushed from foster home to foster home. There had been some but the ones of the beatings and neglection now swallowed up those memories.
Daniel shook his head softly, trying to will the memories away for now, and took a sip of his coffee. He didn't want to think about the past now. Not that past anyways. He wanted to try and remember the past he had forgotten: the one that evolved Jack, Kat and Mike. He knew there was something there. He saw it every time he looked into Jack's eyes but he didn't know what it was. All he did know was that it was hurting his friend, even now.
Daniel looked at Jack out of the corner of his eye. The man was lost in thought, about what, Daniel didn't know. All he did know was that Jack looked sad, sadder then Daniel could remember seeing him. It was happening more often lately. Daniel would catch Jack staring either at him or just off into to space with that look on his face. He didn't understand it, but he wanted to. He wanted to help Jack in anyway that he could but he didn't know how.
"Jack?" He said softly, gaining the older man's attention. Daniel looked up at him and saw a flash of that look of pain once again before Jack hid it. That had been happen a lot lately as well. "What's wrong?"
Jack frowned, staring at him in confusion. "What do you mean what's wrong? Nothings wrong. I'm fine."
"You don't look like it," Daniel said softly, staring at Jack intensively. Jack was hiding something from him again. "You've seemed...down and I don't know why."
Jack sighed and stared down at his mug for a moment before his gaze turned back to met Daniel's. "I've just had a lot of things on my mind. That's all." The look in Jack's eyes was pleading Daniel not to push any further, so he just nodded and continued to sip on his coffee. He didn't want to push Jack, but he wanted to know what was hurting him so badly. He just hoped that Jack would come to him in time.
"So," Jack started, trying to change the subject. "What do you want to do today?"
Daniel smiled. "You mean we'll actually be doing something today?"
"Hey," Jack protested. "It's not my fault that you've spent most of the days sleeping. I didn't want to wake you in case you decided to slug me and Mom didn't have the heart too. Dad just didn't care."
"I'm still blaming you," Daniel said.
Jack huffed. "Fine, blame me." There were a few seconds of silence then Jack asked, "So do you want to go to the Museum today. Get that over and done with so we can maybe go to the docks tomorrow if the weather is nice."
Daniel shivered involuntary at the mention of the Museum. He didn't want to go but it would be rude to Lydia if he didn't. He figured she'd probably be working there by now and he had said they would try and visit her. He just didn't think they'd be doing it so soon.
Jack saw the look that crossed Daniel's face. "We don't have to go though. We could do that some other time or-"
"No," Daniel answered quickly, looking up from his coffee. "No, we'll go today and get it over and done with."
"You sure. We don't have to if you don't want to," Jack said, making sure that Daniel was looking him straight in the eye. Daniel smiled at him, which for some reason made Jack's eyes lighten.
"I'm sure, Jack." He answered.
Jack nodded. "Okay. We'll head on out after lunch. Mom would kill me if we left without feeding you," He said as he headed back into the house.
Daniel shook his head as he watched Jack disappear but he stayed where he was. He didn't understand what it was that made Kat treat him like a little lost puppy. Maybe it was the fact that he had lost his memories but he felt as though this was the way she had always treated him. Same thing went for Mike. They were so familiar to him yet they still seemed like complete strangers.
Daniel sighed deeply and leaned against the railing once again, staring out into the street. The weather today hadn't been all that great. It had been raining when he had woken up this morning and it was still raining now.
He remembered waking up this morning to the sound of the rain and thinking it was the most perfect sound in the world. The sound of the rain pelting down against the roof and listening to it splash outside the window. Jack had opened the window after he had gotten up and had been doing it every day though Daniel wasn't sure why. He also wasn't sure why Jack kept watching him every morning.
For two of the mornings that he had been here he had woken up to find Jack sitting in the chair by the window just staring at him. The first morning he had caught him doing it, Jack had just laughed it off and said that he must have been really tired not to realize that he was staring at him but this morning was another matter.
Daniel had pretended that he was still asleep even though he wasn't. He had opened his eyes just a crack and had noticed Jack staring at him. He supposed that he should have felt awkward begin around Jack, knowing that the man was staring at him in the morning but he wasn't. He guessed because it was the look on Jack's face in the morning when he was 'Danny-watching'. He had a look of utter contentment and happiness that Daniel didn't want to disturb. Jack never carried that look during that day and Daniel like seeing it on Jack's face. It made him feel a lot better knowing that Jack was all right but there was something else there too. Something he didn't understand. Looking at Jack in the early hours of the morning, his chest would tighten painfully as though he was hurt by something but there was also relief mixed in. Relief of what he didn't know.
"Gawd," Daniel sighed to himself, looking down over the railing to look at the different colours of flowers in Kat's front garden. "I don't understand any of this," he said softly, closing his eyes for a moment. He just wanted to know what was going on. He was sick of not knowing. He wanted all of his memories back now. He was sick and tired of people telling him that it would take time and that he just had to be patience. He was sick of waiting. He wanted to know what was going on and he wanted to know now.
"Daniel." Daniel turned and saw Jack standing out on the porch again. He was frowning slightly. "What's up?"
Daniel sighed deeply and closed his eyes turning back to the railing to lean his head against it. He felt Jack's hand rest on his shoulder for a moment before it started to rub soothing circles into his back. He wasn't sure why but that one touch made him feel slightly better.
Jack sighed beside him. "I heard what you said," he answered softly, his voice soothing.
Daniel chuckled slightly. "Did you? Well then you know what's wrong."
There was silence from above and then, "But I want to hear it from you."
Daniel stood up straight slowly and turned to face Jack. His blue eyes meeting concerned brown ones. He crossed his arms over his chest in what Jack called the self-hug position and looked down at the wooden deck. Jack's hand hadn't left his shoulder.
"I want to know what it is I'm missing," Daniel started quietly. "I want to know what it is that I've forgotten. I don't remember Kat and I don't remember Mike. They seem familiar to me but at the same time their nothing more then strangers. Hell, sometimes it feels like you're a stranger." Daniel looked up at Jack and saw that Jack was just waiting for him to continue.
Daniel held back the tears as his chest constricted again. He was in pain. He hadn't realized it before but he was and he didn't know why.
Before he could say another word, Jack pulled his close and wrapped him up in his arms. Daniel's arms immediately unwrapped themselves from around himself and then wrapped themselves around Jack. Daniel buried his head in his friends shoulder trying to stop the tears but unable to. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He didn't know why everything hurt so much and why he was now crying. He was so confused by it that he just ended up crying harder.
Jack was rubbing soothing circles into his back again and whispering in his ear. Daniel didn't know what he was saying, but the pain started to lessen slightly and he clung closer to Jack.
They stood that way for a few more minutes until Jack pulled away slightly to get a good look at Daniel's face. "You okay now?" He asked softly.
Daniel sniffled and started wiping the tears away. "It still hurts," he answered softly. "But I'll be okay."
"Want to talk about it?"
"It's hard too," Daniel answered truthfully. "I'm not even sure what's wrong." He chuckled slightly. "I'm not sure about anything at the moment. All I know is that I'm sick of not knowing what it is that I've forgotten and I'm sick of people telling me that it's going to take time. It's been almost a month."
"I know, Daniel, I know. And I know that I'm about to sound like a broken record but it is going to take time. You just have to hang in there, okay?" Jack asked, rubbing his hands up and down the sides of Daniel's arms.
Daniel nodded softly. "Okay," he answered quietly.
Jack sighed. "How about we go inside and have lunch now and then head off to the Museum. It may take your mind off this."
Daniel scowled. "Yes, and put my mind on to something else that I really don't want to be thinking about at the moment."
Jack smiled slightly. "Well, I'll just have to keep you distracted then. Make you tell me all about the rocks and stuff like that."
"Artifacts," Daniel said softly, a smile forming on his lips.
Jack smiled right back. "Come on," He said, pulling Daniel back into the house where Kat was waiting to pump him full of more food.
Jack watched Daniel with a scowl as he talked with Lydia as they made their way through the Museum. His blood pressure had risen frequently as he watched the way Lydia was flirting with Daniel. The woman just wasn't taking the hint that Daniel was technically off the Market. Sure he couldn't remember that, but Jack had a feeling that he would soon and then Lydia won't have a chance.
Jack managed not to fall asleep during any of the lectures that they listened too and he did listen and take in everything Daniel was saying as the younger man prattled along about every piece and photograph on display. In fact, Jack was pleased to find that Daniel seemed to be talking mostly to him all afternoon and hardly spoke to Lydia at all, though she hardly notice; to busy with staring at Daniel's gorgeous body.
Finally, towards the end of the afternoon, Lydia was called away to fix something and promised them that she'd be back in about ten, fifteen minutes. Take your time, Jack thought after her as she left with another worker, and then turned to Daniel.
Daniel started going on about and Egyptian sculpture through Jack knew that Daniel's mind was clearly elsewhere. He kept pausing in his sentences, looking for the correct word or he'd just trail off and stare for a few minutes before realizing that he had stopped taking and started again. Enough was enough.
"Daniel," Jack said softly, gripping the younger man by the shoulder and turning him so that he was now facing Jack. Daniel trailed off once again and looked into Jack's eyes unsurely. Jack could see so much sadness within those depths and he wished he could just banish them, but right now he couldn't.
"Show me," he said to Daniel, just as softly as before.
Daniel looked like he was about to argue so Jack placed both of his hands on Daniel's shoulders, looked him straight in the eye and said, "I know this is hard for you, Daniel. Especially since you only remembered your parents' deaths the other week, but you've got to face this. If you don't, it's just going to eat away at you."
Daniel looked down at the ground for a moment, before he nodded silently. Jack sighed and lowered his hands from Daniel's shoulders.
"Show me," he said again and this time, Daniel turned quietly and starting leading the way deeper into the Egyptian exhibit.
Jack could tell how much this was tearing away at the younger man. Daniel's shoulders were hunched and he seemed as tense as a tightly wound string as he walked. Jack wasn't quite sure how he was going to help Daniel through this, but he owed it to himself and Daniel to try.
When they entered the temple exhibit, Jack felt like he was walking into a dream. The room was dark and there was no one else there besides the two of them, but other then that, the place looked exactly like it had in the Gamekeeper's reality all those years ago.
Jack re-focused his attention on Daniel and realized that the younger man had moved to stand under the large coverstone that had killed his parents and he was staring up at it. His hands were clenched into fists at his side and as he closed his eyes, tears began to leak out and make a trail down the side of his face.
Jack felt his heart clench at the sight of Daniel's heart-broken face and he slowly moved towards the younger man. "Daniel?"
Daniel didn't answer right away. He lowered his head towards the ground, but didn't open his eyes.
"I couldn't save them," Daniel said softly, his eyes clenched shut tightly.
Jack was now close enough so that he could touch Daniel. He rested a hand against the other man's arm and rubbed it slightly. "You were only eight years old, Daniel. There was nothing you could have done."
Daniel shook his head, his face scrunching up in emotional pain. "I could've tried-"
"And done what," Jack interrupted. "Daniel, you couldn't have done anything to stop what happened. It wasn't your fault. You were only a little boy."
Daniel was quietly for a moment and he looked up at Jack, his eyes open and full of tears. Jack recognized the look and immediately engulfed Daniel in a hug. The Younger man wrapped his arms around Jack's back and rested his head on Jack's shoulder.
"Why, Jack?" Daniel asked after a moment. "Why did they have to be so careless? Why did they leave me alone? Mom saw it swing but she let Dad calm her down. Why? Why did they leave me?"
Jack sighed and rubbed a hand up and down Daniel's back. "Because they believed, like the rest of us, that nothing could ever happen to them. They thought they were safe."
"But they weren't. They left me."
Jack's hand caressed Daniel's back in firm motions as the younger man turned into him, "They loved you, Danny. And I know that they never wanted to leave you alone and that they never wanted to miss out on your life while growing up, but they did. It was a mistake that I know, if they could, they'd try to make right. I wish I didn't know what that was like, but I do," Jack said softly, thinking not only about the choice he had made with Charlie, but also when Daniel had gotten that alien flu bug. It had been his fault then because he hadn't listened to the warnings of the people there, believing that what they had been saying was purely superstitious and that no harm would come to his team. Daniel had almost died because of that choice.
Daniel looked up at Jack sharply and his eyes widen. "Oh God, Jack. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"Sssh," Jack uttered, silencing Daniel. He knew Daniel was referring to Charlie, as he wouldn't have known about Jack's other costly choice. "Daniel, just listen to me. I left that gun in the drawer. I left it there instead of putting it away somewhere safe because I wanted to be with Sara. If I had taken my time and put my gun away where it belonged, Charlie would never have found it."
Daniel was silent, but Jack could still feel the fine tremors running through the younger man.
"I can only hope that, wherever he is, Charlie understand and knows that if I could, I change what happened and I know that you're parents feel the same way. They never meant to leave you alone in this world, Daniel. It was just a bad choice."
Daniel nodded against Jack's shoulder. "Not my fault?"
Jack nodded against the side of Daniel's head. "Exactly."
"Just a mistake…a dumb mistake…a bad choice."
"A bad choice," Jack repeated.
"I loved them, Jack."
"I know, Danny."
They stood there for a few moments, not saying anything. Then after a moment Daniel lifted his head from Jack's shoulder and looked him in the eye. Jack's breath caught in his throat when he saw the look in those eyes. Was it impossible to even hope that that look meant what he thought it meant?
Daniel opened his mouth to say soothing, but before he could say anything they were interrupted, "There you guys are."
Jack and Daniel turned sharply towards the entrance, backing away from each other slightly as they saw Lydia striding towards them, a huge smile on her face. "I've been looking all over for you two. You just disappeared."
Jack let his hand drop and forced a smile onto his face. Man, did the woman have lousy timing or what. "Oh, you know. We got a little bored standing around and decided to do a little exploring."
Lydia smiled brightly and turned to look at the display. "Well, you sure did pick a good spot. This display is one of the more complicated ones we have. Most of our Egyptian displays are really basic, but this one is very intriguing. All the artifacts are from the-"
"Dig in El-Amara," Daniel finished quietly, looking down at the floor.
Lydia smiled, not noticing how much Daniel did not want to be talking about it. "Daniel, you know just about everything, don't you?"
Daniel didn't answer, but Jack scowled. She really didn't seem to notice that Daniel was having a hard time here. Well, enough was enough.
"Listen, Lydia. Not to be rude, but Daniel and I should really get going. It's getting late."
Lydia frowned. "But there's so much I still want to show you. You've hardly seen this display," she answered, and Daniel's arms wrapped themselves tightly around himself.
Jack watched Daniel closely out of the corner of his eye. He needed to get Daniel out of here. They had done what they needed to do but now the best thing for Daniel was to just get him back to the house where Mom would feed him so much that he'd forget all about today.
"I've seen it all before," Daniel explained, still not looking up.
Lydia's frowned deepened. "But I was hoping…"
Jack's anger was starting to boil, but he kept it in check. "Lydia, Daniel doesn't want to see the rest of the display, he just wants to go home."
Lydia turned to him. "And how would you know what Daniel needs. Why don't you let him talk for himself? Your not his boyfriend!"
Daniel head shot up straight and Jack's face paled.
"You're right," Jack answered. "But Daniel is my best friend and I know what he needs."
Lydia huffed. "Well you sure have a funny way of showing it. You've been walking around as though you own Daniel, well you don't. Why don't you just leave Daniel alone and-"
"Enough!" Daniel yelled, silencing Lydia. Daniel face was very pale and his eyes were misted over, but there was something else in those depths that Jack didn't understand. Was it pain? Fear? Or something else entirely?
"Lydia," Daniel started more quietly. "Jack's right. It is late and I just want to go home."
Lydia's face softened. "Okay then. Why don't we get together later? You know, go out for dinner or something?"
Jack felt like strangling the little bitch. Daniel was his. He was off the market. Why couldn't she just keep her nose out of it?
Daniel sighed deeply, drawing Jack's attention. "Lydia, I'm only here for a little while longer and I'm not looking to start anything, alright?"
Lydia's face fell, but then she grew angry. "Fine. Be that way. I try to be nice to you and you just shoot me down. Well that's just fine. Stay with Flyboy here. It's not like you're worth any of my time," And with that, she stalked off.
Jack watched her disappeared and then turned to Daniel. His face was totally closed off, but her could see the tears that were threatening to fall.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
Daniel looked up at him and Jack could clearly read the pain in Daniel's eyes, even though the younger man was trying hard to hide it. "Not really," Daniel answered, looking back down at the floor.
Jack sighed and put a hand on Daniel's shoulders. "Come on," he said, steering Daniel towards the door. "Let's head home. Mom is probably wondering why we aren't there yet."
Daniel chuckled slightly, but it was a sad chuckle and Daniel quickly became quiet again.
Jack watched Daniel sadly. Don't worry, Danny, he thought. Everything will sort itself out soon enough.
Daniel stayed silent most of the drive home; hardly saying two words to Jack and as soon as he entered the house, he headed for the bedroom, closing the door and locking it behind him. He sat himself down on the bed and just continued to stare at the floor, not really knowing what to think or feel.
What Lydia had said to him had hurt, a lot more then he thought Jack even knew. It was so true though. Throughout his life, barely anyone had spared any time for him. Until Sha'uri, he had never felt as though he belonged somewhere, was wanted or needed. Then that had been taken away from him.
He had found his place again with the SGC, part of SG-1. He felt like he had a family with them. Somewhere were he finally belonged after all those years of loneliness, but now something was shaking that and Daniel didn't know what it was.
And how would you know what Daniel needs? Why don't you let him talk for himself? You're not his boyfriend! Lydia's voice rang through his head. That's what was bothering him: what Lydia had said about him and Jack. Just thinking about those words was cutting a hole somewhere inside of him. It hurt. It was worst then the pain he had been in this morning. It was the same pain only amplified and he didn't know why. Gawd, he never knew why.
A knock on the door startled Daniel out of his thoughts. "Daniel?" Jack's voice called softly. "Can I come in?"
Daniel just stared at the door for a few moments before slowly standing and moving towards it to unlock the door. Then he returned to his place on the bed.
Jack slowly opened the door and looked at Daniel closely. Daniel wasn't sure what he could be seeing and after a moment he just returned his gaze to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself.
He heard Jack sighed and moving into the room, closing the door behind him. "Daniel-"
"Please, don't start, Jack," Daniel said quietly, not looking up. "I just want to be left alone."
Jack moved closer to the bed and sat down beside Daniel, making the younger man tense slightly. He wasn't sure if he wanted Jack here. He wasn't even sure why he let him in the room when all he wanted was to be left alone. Maybe because a part of him wanted Jack there, wanted so much for Jack to fix the pain he was in even though he wasn't sure it could be fixed.
"Being alone isn't the answer, Daniel. Lydia said some pretty nasty stuff and I just want you to know that none of it was true." Daniel looked up into Jacks' eyes and saw something there that made him ache. There was something wrong about what Jack had just said: very wrong.
"I know that," Daniel answered quietly.
"Do you?" Jack asked, eyebrows raised.
Daniel sighed deeply and looked back down at the floor. He wasn't in the mood for this.
Jack leaned back slightly. "Look, Daniel. What Lydia said was wrong, whether you believe that or not. You are worth people's time. You're worth more then even Lydia can imagine. You opened up the Stargate, you learned how to speak Abydonian, and very quickly I might add, which saved our butts, you uncovered the Abydos Cartouche and even figured out about the stellar drift thing even though Science isn't your department. You made the SGC, Danny. And you're invaluable."
Daniel shook his head. He wasn't that important. The SGC had done fine without him for a year. He wasn't invaluable.
As though Jack had picked up on his line of thinking, he said, "And during the year that you were ascended, we were not okay. Sure the SGC went on, but Danny SG-1 was falling apart. Me, Sam and Teal'c were having a hard time adjusting to Jonas and I don't think we ever did really. I know I didn't."
"It's Sam, Teal'c and I," Daniel said so softly and Jack hardly heard him.
"What?"
Daniel turned to face him. "You said You, Sam and Teal'c. It's Sam, Teal'c and I."
Jack smiled up at him. "Whatever. You know what I mean. The point is we weren't okay. We needed you, Danny. Jonas got on my nerves and that really didn't help on missions. The whole team dynamics just didn't work, Daniel. To tell you the truth I was seriously thinking about retiring."
That got Daniel sitting up straight. "Why?" He asked, slightly alarmed. Jack loved the Stargate program just as much as he did. It was different for Jack then it was for him, but the excitement was still there.
Jack sighed. "I just couldn't do it anymore. I know you and I had hit a really rough patch before you ascended, but when you left it was like there was this huge gapping hole in the team and no matter what I did, I couldn't fill it. It hurt cause I missed you so much and I gave Jonas a try but it just wasn't working. I didn't want to do it anymore, but then when you turned up, that huge hole was finally filled again and I knew that I had to stay." Jack looked up at Daniel and Daniel didn't understand what he was seeing in the older man's eyes. "I couldn't leave if you were there, Danny, and I didn't want to."
Daniel frowned, but he found himself crawling forward to engulf Jack in a hug. The older man tensed slightly, but the relaxed, letting his arms go around Daniel. Daniel didn't understand why he was doing this, but he felt that Jack needed it and after everything Jack had done for him, he hoped that would be able to return the favor.
They just sat there like that for a few moments until Daniel pulled away. He didn't understand why he was doing this. He didn't understand the pain he was feeling or anything else for that matter. It was all so overwhelming.
There was a pain that flashed in Jack's eyes when Daniel pulled away but he quickly covered it, not wanting Daniel to see. Daniel stare at him for a moment, not sure what to say of do.
"Jack," He started softly. "What are you hiding from me?" It was the first time Daniel had asked and he didn't know why he was. He hadn't wanted to push Jack and he hadn't meant to ask the question.
Jack's face scrunched up in pain and Daniel instantly wished he could take the question back but it was out there now and there was nothing he could do about it.
Jack looked down at the bedspread and then back up at Daniel and Daniel could clearly see the conflict going on in those eyes. "I…I can't…" Jack stammered, not knowing what he could say. Daniel was confused why this was so hard but as it was causing Jack so much pain, he ignored his confusion and focused on Jack.
"Does it have something to do with me?" Daniel asked softly.
Jack stared at him for a moment, assessing. "Yes, but not in the way you think, Daniel." He sighed deeply, pushing himself back up into a sitting position. "Look, Daniel, I can't talk about it, okay? If for some reason me hiding something is hurting you, you need to tell me, but I can't…" He couldn't bring himself to say the rest.
Daniel nodded softly, looking back down at the sheets. "I understand."
"Gawd, Danny," Jack said, gently gripping Daniel's chin to force him to meet his gaze. "No, you don't understand. I've been told not to tell you, just like I've been told not to tell you anything about what you've forgotten. Janet wants you to try and remember on your own and she thinks that if we tell you, you either won't remember at all or all the memories will just come rushing back and you'll be overwhelmed by it all." He paused for a moment, making sure Daniel was still looking at him. Daniel sure was but it still hurt to know that his best friend was hiding something from him, had been since he had come back.
"Gawd, do you have any idea how much Carter, Teal'c and I have wanted to just tell you everything. Daniel, you've looked so lost and sad since you've come back and I know that I speak for everyone when I say that we wanted, so much, to take that pain away by telling you, but like Janet said, we can't. It hurts not to be able to tell you anything you want to know. I hate keeping things from you, but there's no way around it. You need to remember on your own."
Tears sprang to Daniel's eyes then, and he wretched his head away from Jack's hand.
"What if I don't want to remember on my own? What if I want you guys just to tell me everything? Gawd, it's been so hard and things are only getting harder, not easier. Every time I get a new memory back, I just get more and more frustrated because a lot of the time I don't know how to fit it in with everything else that I've remember or I just don't understand what the memory is about. I can't even separate my dreams from the memories any more cause I just don't know." He paused to wipe the tears from his eyes.
"Sometimes I think maybe it would have been better if I had just stayed on Vis Urban," Daniel finished softly.
"No," Jack stated sharply and Daniel turned to look at him. The pain Jack was feeling was so obvious in his eyes now that Daniel was taken aback slightly.
Daniel wrapped his arms back around himself and turned to look anywhere but at Jack. "But think about it, Jack. I haven't been fitting in. On missions, I'm always feeling out of place, I hardly know where I stand with you anymore and the whole mess with my memories is just making things worst. You guys would be better off without me, no matter what you say about me being invaluable."
"No," Jack said again, more forcefully, taking Daniel by the arms and shaking him slightly so that he was looking at him. "Gawd Danny, No," He whispered softly, pain seeping through into his voice. "It wouldn't have been better for you to have stayed on Vis Urban. Gawd, do you have any idea how much Carter, Teal'c and I have missed you. Everyone missed you. I've said it once and I'll say it again; Daniel, you are the conscious of not only SG-1 but also the SGC. If it weren't for you, the Gould would have overrun us a long time. Haven't you ever noticed that every alternate reality that we've seen that hasn't had you in it has been taken over by the Gould?"
Daniel just sat there, staring at Jack in stunned silence, not knowing what to say. He hadn't really thought about that and now that he was he realized that Jack was right. Every alternate reality that they had encountered so far that hadn't had him, as part of the SGC or the SGA or whatever, had been taken over by the Gould.
"I guess I never really thought about that," Daniel answered softly.
"I know," Jack said, smiling slightly. "Just don't forget, Danny, that there are people here who love you and care about you so much that we wouldn't know what to do if something ever happened to you again. You've died so many times and I'm sick of losing you."
Daniel watched Jack eyes and saw that there was more behind those words, but he didn't know what. "I'm sorry," Daniel answered.
Jack frowned. "Ah Danny, it's not you're fault. I just want you to realize that you're needed here and your wanted. Do you realize that?"
Daniel sniffled slightly and nodded.
Jack smiled sadly. "Good. Now I'll leave you alone if you want, but you're not missing dinner. I'll come and get you when it's ready, okay?"
Daniel nodded again and Jack stood to leave, just as he reached the door, Daniel called him back, "Jack?"
Jack turned to face him. "Yeah?"
Daniel looked up at him and smiled slightly. "Thank you."
Jack returned his grin. "Anytime, Danny. Anytime."
AN: This chapter is open for revision. I have the rest of the story finished, but I just need to re-write the last sence before I post of the rest of it. Please review! Oh, and I don't post smaller chapter's because I'm one of those people who hate reading only maybe three pages worth of a story before the chapters over and besides, this story is meant to be a full one part thing. I've already cut it down into chapters and don't really want to cut it any further, but thank-you for the advice anyways!
