8. MOE
"...the ITCHY and SCRATCHY Shooooooow!"
The title of today's episode: THE BEST OF INTESTINES.
Scratchy is looking at a sign that says STRONGMAN COMPETITION.
He enters; the challenge involves moving a two-ton train engine.
While he's warming up,Itchy attacks him with a fire ax and exposes
his intestines to daylight. He wraps them around the train and
as Scratchy runs, the train begins to move,eventually running him
over; the judges give him first prize even though he's squashed flat
into the train tracks.
Bart and Lisa laughed like crazy.
"That poor cat," Hagrid sobbed.
They looked up at him.
"It's not real," Bart said.
"Haven't you ever seen TV?"
"A bit," Hagrid said. "I've seen a few movies,too.Nothin' like that."
"Sorry," Lisa said.
Hagrid hugged her with one arm. "S'alright,Lisa.I just love animals."
Homer walked into the room,jangling his car keys. "Going to Moe's," he said. "Wanna come,Hagrid?"
Hagrid looked at him. There were still tears in his eyes.
"First episode of ITCHY AND SCRATCHY,huh?" Homer asked.
Hagrid nodded.
Mrs. Simpson came in from the kitchen.
"Marge,we'll be at Moe's."
She gave Homer a strange look. Hagrid had seen it before. It was a
look of displeased resignment. He couldn't help but wonder what
kind of trouble Moe had in store for them.
Hagrid slammed the pitcher of Duff down on the counter.
"This is water," he said.
Moe leaned over the counter. Hagrid swore he saw a bead of sweat break out on Moe's forehead. "Uh...If it was water,ya gotta watch it. It might be alive..."
"Damn good water," Homer slurred. "No three-headed cows in this stuff."
"I was warned to bring m'own water," Hagrid said. "I brought a few
gallons for me and Fang."
"How long ya here?" Moe asked.
"Jus' a week."
The guy sitting on his left looked like he had been born inebriated.
Homer had called him Barney. "He's just a figment of my imagination,"
Barney said,and burped.
"So,uh,Hagrid-" Hagrid looked in the other direction. The quiet
black man-Carl?-grinned at him,happily buzzed. "What do you drink?"
"Tea,mostly. I used ta drink too much. Then I told someone special
I'd never drink again. Nothin' wrong with an occasional nip,though.
Warms you up. I prefer firewhiskey. Brandy,though that's to
drink with friends."
"If you can't drink your friends,who can you drink?" Homer asked.
He slapped the other guy-Benny or Lenny-on the shoulder. Lenny
had five o'clock shadow and a receding hairline. He doesn't look
well,Hagrid thought. None of them do.
Eventually,Homer passed out. He slumped forward,drooling onto the
the surface of the bar.
"He does this a lot?" Hagrid asked.
"Ah," Moe tilted his hand one way,then the other.
"His family must really love him."
"Oh yeah," Moe said. "Look,can you get him home?"
"We walked here," Hagrid said. "I didn't fit in the car."
Moe managed to twist his face into a smile. His bones creaked and
ground against each other.
"I'll hafta carry him," Hagrid said.
"...the ITCHY and SCRATCHY Shooooooow!"
The title of today's episode: THE BEST OF INTESTINES.
Scratchy is looking at a sign that says STRONGMAN COMPETITION.
He enters; the challenge involves moving a two-ton train engine.
While he's warming up,Itchy attacks him with a fire ax and exposes
his intestines to daylight. He wraps them around the train and
as Scratchy runs, the train begins to move,eventually running him
over; the judges give him first prize even though he's squashed flat
into the train tracks.
Bart and Lisa laughed like crazy.
"That poor cat," Hagrid sobbed.
They looked up at him.
"It's not real," Bart said.
"Haven't you ever seen TV?"
"A bit," Hagrid said. "I've seen a few movies,too.Nothin' like that."
"Sorry," Lisa said.
Hagrid hugged her with one arm. "S'alright,Lisa.I just love animals."
Homer walked into the room,jangling his car keys. "Going to Moe's," he said. "Wanna come,Hagrid?"
Hagrid looked at him. There were still tears in his eyes.
"First episode of ITCHY AND SCRATCHY,huh?" Homer asked.
Hagrid nodded.
Mrs. Simpson came in from the kitchen.
"Marge,we'll be at Moe's."
She gave Homer a strange look. Hagrid had seen it before. It was a
look of displeased resignment. He couldn't help but wonder what
kind of trouble Moe had in store for them.
Hagrid slammed the pitcher of Duff down on the counter.
"This is water," he said.
Moe leaned over the counter. Hagrid swore he saw a bead of sweat break out on Moe's forehead. "Uh...If it was water,ya gotta watch it. It might be alive..."
"Damn good water," Homer slurred. "No three-headed cows in this stuff."
"I was warned to bring m'own water," Hagrid said. "I brought a few
gallons for me and Fang."
"How long ya here?" Moe asked.
"Jus' a week."
The guy sitting on his left looked like he had been born inebriated.
Homer had called him Barney. "He's just a figment of my imagination,"
Barney said,and burped.
"So,uh,Hagrid-" Hagrid looked in the other direction. The quiet
black man-Carl?-grinned at him,happily buzzed. "What do you drink?"
"Tea,mostly. I used ta drink too much. Then I told someone special
I'd never drink again. Nothin' wrong with an occasional nip,though.
Warms you up. I prefer firewhiskey. Brandy,though that's to
drink with friends."
"If you can't drink your friends,who can you drink?" Homer asked.
He slapped the other guy-Benny or Lenny-on the shoulder. Lenny
had five o'clock shadow and a receding hairline. He doesn't look
well,Hagrid thought. None of them do.
Eventually,Homer passed out. He slumped forward,drooling onto the
the surface of the bar.
"He does this a lot?" Hagrid asked.
"Ah," Moe tilted his hand one way,then the other.
"His family must really love him."
"Oh yeah," Moe said. "Look,can you get him home?"
"We walked here," Hagrid said. "I didn't fit in the car."
Moe managed to twist his face into a smile. His bones creaked and
ground against each other.
"I'll hafta carry him," Hagrid said.
