20. MISS HOOVER'S CLASS
Anyone watching Albus Dumbledore wander the halls of Springfield
Elementary would have asked him if he needed help. They could not
have fathomed that he knew where he was going,despite never having
been in the building before. He came to the door,which was open.
"Is this Miss Hoover's class?"
"Professor Dumbledore," cried a familiar voice.
"Hello,Miss Simpson."
He walked into the room.
The class quieted down.
They goggled up at him.
Dumbledore thought of the students at Hogwarts as his own children.
Even the Slytherin students. At times,there were kids,still getting
used to their oft-strange world,whose fear was palpable. Sometimes
they were afraid of him,for some reason. They soon learned there
was nothing to fear,particularly from him.
None of these boys and girls were afraid. There was an old man,
perhaps reminiscent of their grandfathers,standing at the front of
the room,in a colorful robe,his long silvery hair reaching towards
the floor. He gave them a gentle smile.
"Miss Hoover had to step out for awhile,children. Principal
Skinner asked me to fill in for her."
There was a moment of silence.
"Are you really a wizard?" Janey asked,after a moment of silence.
"Yes," Dumbledore said. "I am."
Another silence.
"Are you evil?" the boy on Lisa's left asked.
He gave the boy his warmest smile; he assumed that his eyes
twinkled. "No,Andrew...do you prefer Andrew or Andy?"
The boy smiled,his question answered. "Andy,please."
Someone in the middle-Dumbledore didn't quite catch the source-said
"Do a magic trick."
Lisa gave him a sympathetic look.
"A trick,eh?" Dumbledore thought for a moment. It wouldn't hurt.
The Ministry could send him all the letters they wanted. He picked
a pencil off of the desk. "Miss Simpson-"
"Please call me Lisa."
"All right. Lisa,catch."
He threw the pencil towards Lisa; in midflight,it became a dove,
and settled into Lisa's waiting arms.
"Keep it if you like," Dumbledore said. "Though I see the class
already has a hamster."
"I can't keep her," Lisa said. "She'd get eaten."
"Yes,Hagrid told me. A cat as well as a dog. I find that amazing."
"Open the window,please? I think I should free her."
"All right," Dumbledore said. He cranked open a window.
Lisa joined Dumbledore at the window. She put the bird on the
windowsill,and it burst into flight. In moments it was a faraway
speck.
"Are the kids at Hogwarts allowed to have pets?"
Another girl,named Allison.
"They're allowed a cat. Or a frog. Or an owl."
Dumbledore left the window open. There was a warm breeze in the air.
He made his way over to Miss Hoover's desk,pulled the chair out,
and eased himself down. Hard chair,he thought. Miss Hoover's
posterior must be made of metal. A moment later,the chair was not
hard wood,but leathery and pliable.
"What do you usually do at this time?" he asked.
It was twelve-forty-five.
"She usually just lets us draw," Lisa said.
"All right," Dumbledore said. "You know,I believe there's an artist
in all of us. Until Miss Hoover comes back,please indulge your
artistic tendencies. Draw. Write. Create something wonderful."
For an hour,he watched them,off in their own imaginary worlds. It
did his heart much good. And then:
"Perfressor Blumbledrawer?"
Ralph Wiggum. He heard all the kids sigh within.
"Yes,Ralph?"
"I ate all my crayons again."
"You ate them?"
Ralph nodded sadly.
"They must taste good."
"They're different flavors. Red is cherry,blue is blueberry,green
is lime or maybe it's pineapple-"
"All right,Ralph. Miss Hoover has a pencil here-"
"I'm not allowed to have sharp objects."
"I see." He transfigured the pencil into a box of crayons.
He walked to the back of the room,and gave them to Ralph.
Ralph reached out to touch Dumbledore's beard.
"Wow," he said. "Is there a crayon this color?"
"There is now," Dumbledore said,giving it to him.
Ralph took it from him,and their fingers touched
-fire. Everything was burning. The children were burning. The
flames coursed across the ceiling
(Burn the house down. BURN 'EM ALL!)
Dumbledore pulled his hand away as calmly as he could.
He smiled down at Ralph,who grinned back.
Then Dumbledore turned to walk back to the desk.
Halfway back,he turned. "Oh,Ralph-"
A shadow ducked out of sight behind Ralph's head.
"Yes?" Ralph asked.
"Never mind."
Dumbledore went back and sat down at the desk.
As he sat there,he realized his hands were shaking.
He,supposedly the greatest wizard in the world,the enemy of
evil, the one responsible for Jacek (YOT-seck) Grindelwald's
ultimate defeat,Voldemort's worst fear, beloved by children,
tolerated by his peers-
Albus Dumbledore did not know fear easily.
...But he was afraid of Ralph Wiggum.
In the next few minutes,he glanced up at Ralph more times than he
could count. The boy's head was filled with fire.
Fear gave way to curiosity.
Curiosity gave way to a monarch butterfly fluttering past the
window.
As he watched the butterfly,Dumbledore began humming to himself.
The room was too quiet,he thought.
"Would anyone mind some music?"
No one objected.
"There's a stereo under the desk," Lisa said.
Dumbledore found it.
"She's had that forever. She never turns it on."
"What would you like to hear?" he asked the class.
"What do you like?" Rex asked. Rex had an actor's voice.
"Chamber music is my favorite," Dumbledore said. "How about you?"
"Metal," Rex said,smiling.
"Lisa?"
"I like jazz," Lisa said. "I even play the saxamaphone."
"The what?"
"Excuse me...the saxophone."
"Oh,the saxophone. Of course. Interesting instrument."
Dumbledore found the ON/OFF button. When he flipped it,nothing
happened. "Hmmm," he said. Then he thought of something. "Excuse
me. I'll be right back."
He stood up.
Lisa showed him the picture she had drawn. "Is this what Hogwarts
looks like?"
Dumbledore was astounded. "It's...quite interesting. There are more
towers,and many more windows,but this is lovely,Lisa. Is it
finished?"
"It's finished."
"May I hang it in my office?"
That infectious grin again. "All right," she said.
"Be right back," he said.
He walked out of the room for a moment.
He didn't come back alone.
Some of the kids gasped,seeing the beautiful bird hanging onto
Dumbledore's arm.
"This is Fawkes," Dumbledore said. "My most faithful companion."
Fawkes lifted off of his arm,did a loop,and then landed on Lisa's
desk. There's certainly something about Lisa Simpson. Fawkes senses
it,too,I'm sure.
Lisa reached out to touch him. Fawkes let her stroke his plumage.
The class gathered around her desk.
"What is he?" she asked
"A phoenix," Dumbledore said.
Hagrid had told her about Lisa; he could see it himself. She was a
skeptic; it was a cliche,but she was wise beyond her years, almost
too smart. There was hardly any room for nonsense,and now that she
had experienced these things so beyond her reality,she was curious.
"I never knew..." She recovered. "Phoenixes are immortal. When they
die,they're reborn in the ashes. Right?"
"Fifty thousand points,Lisa. His tears also heal wounds. They're
very faithful,as well. Fawkes also has a beautiful singing voice."
As if he'd been cued,Fawkes looked Lisa right in the eyes and
sang a single note that made her smile.
As the note died,the bell rang.
"School's over already?"
The kids reluctantly withdrew from Fawkes.
As they packed up to go home,Fawkes jumped onto the windowsill.
"Meet you at Hagrid's," Dumbledore said.
Fawkes made a little noise in his throat,and then took off into
the sky. When Dumbledore turned back,the room was empty.
Except for Ralph.
Ralph was sitting at his desk, his head heavy. He was crying.
Dumbledore bent down.
"Ralph? What's wrong?"
"It was the bird," Ralph said.
"Fawkes didn't frighten you did he? He's quite harmless-"
"His song hurt."
"It did?"
"It made my head all oozy."
Someone came to the door.
"Ralphie?"
Dumbledore turned.
"Hey,who are you?"
The man in the doorway was very fat. It was a powerful kind of fat,
though,as if he were hiding a cauldron under his uniform.
"Albus Dumbledore," Dumbledore said. "We sent our groundskeeper-"
"Oh,yeah,the exchange." He stuck out his hand and smiled. "Clancy
Wiggum. I'm the law around here."
Dumbledore shook his hand.
"My head hurts,Daddy."
"Awww," Wiggum said. "C'mon,Ralphie,we'll make it better at home."
In moments,Dumbledore was alone in the room.
Anyone watching Albus Dumbledore wander the halls of Springfield
Elementary would have asked him if he needed help. They could not
have fathomed that he knew where he was going,despite never having
been in the building before. He came to the door,which was open.
"Is this Miss Hoover's class?"
"Professor Dumbledore," cried a familiar voice.
"Hello,Miss Simpson."
He walked into the room.
The class quieted down.
They goggled up at him.
Dumbledore thought of the students at Hogwarts as his own children.
Even the Slytherin students. At times,there were kids,still getting
used to their oft-strange world,whose fear was palpable. Sometimes
they were afraid of him,for some reason. They soon learned there
was nothing to fear,particularly from him.
None of these boys and girls were afraid. There was an old man,
perhaps reminiscent of their grandfathers,standing at the front of
the room,in a colorful robe,his long silvery hair reaching towards
the floor. He gave them a gentle smile.
"Miss Hoover had to step out for awhile,children. Principal
Skinner asked me to fill in for her."
There was a moment of silence.
"Are you really a wizard?" Janey asked,after a moment of silence.
"Yes," Dumbledore said. "I am."
Another silence.
"Are you evil?" the boy on Lisa's left asked.
He gave the boy his warmest smile; he assumed that his eyes
twinkled. "No,Andrew...do you prefer Andrew or Andy?"
The boy smiled,his question answered. "Andy,please."
Someone in the middle-Dumbledore didn't quite catch the source-said
"Do a magic trick."
Lisa gave him a sympathetic look.
"A trick,eh?" Dumbledore thought for a moment. It wouldn't hurt.
The Ministry could send him all the letters they wanted. He picked
a pencil off of the desk. "Miss Simpson-"
"Please call me Lisa."
"All right. Lisa,catch."
He threw the pencil towards Lisa; in midflight,it became a dove,
and settled into Lisa's waiting arms.
"Keep it if you like," Dumbledore said. "Though I see the class
already has a hamster."
"I can't keep her," Lisa said. "She'd get eaten."
"Yes,Hagrid told me. A cat as well as a dog. I find that amazing."
"Open the window,please? I think I should free her."
"All right," Dumbledore said. He cranked open a window.
Lisa joined Dumbledore at the window. She put the bird on the
windowsill,and it burst into flight. In moments it was a faraway
speck.
"Are the kids at Hogwarts allowed to have pets?"
Another girl,named Allison.
"They're allowed a cat. Or a frog. Or an owl."
Dumbledore left the window open. There was a warm breeze in the air.
He made his way over to Miss Hoover's desk,pulled the chair out,
and eased himself down. Hard chair,he thought. Miss Hoover's
posterior must be made of metal. A moment later,the chair was not
hard wood,but leathery and pliable.
"What do you usually do at this time?" he asked.
It was twelve-forty-five.
"She usually just lets us draw," Lisa said.
"All right," Dumbledore said. "You know,I believe there's an artist
in all of us. Until Miss Hoover comes back,please indulge your
artistic tendencies. Draw. Write. Create something wonderful."
For an hour,he watched them,off in their own imaginary worlds. It
did his heart much good. And then:
"Perfressor Blumbledrawer?"
Ralph Wiggum. He heard all the kids sigh within.
"Yes,Ralph?"
"I ate all my crayons again."
"You ate them?"
Ralph nodded sadly.
"They must taste good."
"They're different flavors. Red is cherry,blue is blueberry,green
is lime or maybe it's pineapple-"
"All right,Ralph. Miss Hoover has a pencil here-"
"I'm not allowed to have sharp objects."
"I see." He transfigured the pencil into a box of crayons.
He walked to the back of the room,and gave them to Ralph.
Ralph reached out to touch Dumbledore's beard.
"Wow," he said. "Is there a crayon this color?"
"There is now," Dumbledore said,giving it to him.
Ralph took it from him,and their fingers touched
-fire. Everything was burning. The children were burning. The
flames coursed across the ceiling
(Burn the house down. BURN 'EM ALL!)
Dumbledore pulled his hand away as calmly as he could.
He smiled down at Ralph,who grinned back.
Then Dumbledore turned to walk back to the desk.
Halfway back,he turned. "Oh,Ralph-"
A shadow ducked out of sight behind Ralph's head.
"Yes?" Ralph asked.
"Never mind."
Dumbledore went back and sat down at the desk.
As he sat there,he realized his hands were shaking.
He,supposedly the greatest wizard in the world,the enemy of
evil, the one responsible for Jacek (YOT-seck) Grindelwald's
ultimate defeat,Voldemort's worst fear, beloved by children,
tolerated by his peers-
Albus Dumbledore did not know fear easily.
...But he was afraid of Ralph Wiggum.
In the next few minutes,he glanced up at Ralph more times than he
could count. The boy's head was filled with fire.
Fear gave way to curiosity.
Curiosity gave way to a monarch butterfly fluttering past the
window.
As he watched the butterfly,Dumbledore began humming to himself.
The room was too quiet,he thought.
"Would anyone mind some music?"
No one objected.
"There's a stereo under the desk," Lisa said.
Dumbledore found it.
"She's had that forever. She never turns it on."
"What would you like to hear?" he asked the class.
"What do you like?" Rex asked. Rex had an actor's voice.
"Chamber music is my favorite," Dumbledore said. "How about you?"
"Metal," Rex said,smiling.
"Lisa?"
"I like jazz," Lisa said. "I even play the saxamaphone."
"The what?"
"Excuse me...the saxophone."
"Oh,the saxophone. Of course. Interesting instrument."
Dumbledore found the ON/OFF button. When he flipped it,nothing
happened. "Hmmm," he said. Then he thought of something. "Excuse
me. I'll be right back."
He stood up.
Lisa showed him the picture she had drawn. "Is this what Hogwarts
looks like?"
Dumbledore was astounded. "It's...quite interesting. There are more
towers,and many more windows,but this is lovely,Lisa. Is it
finished?"
"It's finished."
"May I hang it in my office?"
That infectious grin again. "All right," she said.
"Be right back," he said.
He walked out of the room for a moment.
He didn't come back alone.
Some of the kids gasped,seeing the beautiful bird hanging onto
Dumbledore's arm.
"This is Fawkes," Dumbledore said. "My most faithful companion."
Fawkes lifted off of his arm,did a loop,and then landed on Lisa's
desk. There's certainly something about Lisa Simpson. Fawkes senses
it,too,I'm sure.
Lisa reached out to touch him. Fawkes let her stroke his plumage.
The class gathered around her desk.
"What is he?" she asked
"A phoenix," Dumbledore said.
Hagrid had told her about Lisa; he could see it himself. She was a
skeptic; it was a cliche,but she was wise beyond her years, almost
too smart. There was hardly any room for nonsense,and now that she
had experienced these things so beyond her reality,she was curious.
"I never knew..." She recovered. "Phoenixes are immortal. When they
die,they're reborn in the ashes. Right?"
"Fifty thousand points,Lisa. His tears also heal wounds. They're
very faithful,as well. Fawkes also has a beautiful singing voice."
As if he'd been cued,Fawkes looked Lisa right in the eyes and
sang a single note that made her smile.
As the note died,the bell rang.
"School's over already?"
The kids reluctantly withdrew from Fawkes.
As they packed up to go home,Fawkes jumped onto the windowsill.
"Meet you at Hagrid's," Dumbledore said.
Fawkes made a little noise in his throat,and then took off into
the sky. When Dumbledore turned back,the room was empty.
Except for Ralph.
Ralph was sitting at his desk, his head heavy. He was crying.
Dumbledore bent down.
"Ralph? What's wrong?"
"It was the bird," Ralph said.
"Fawkes didn't frighten you did he? He's quite harmless-"
"His song hurt."
"It did?"
"It made my head all oozy."
Someone came to the door.
"Ralphie?"
Dumbledore turned.
"Hey,who are you?"
The man in the doorway was very fat. It was a powerful kind of fat,
though,as if he were hiding a cauldron under his uniform.
"Albus Dumbledore," Dumbledore said. "We sent our groundskeeper-"
"Oh,yeah,the exchange." He stuck out his hand and smiled. "Clancy
Wiggum. I'm the law around here."
Dumbledore shook his hand.
"My head hurts,Daddy."
"Awww," Wiggum said. "C'mon,Ralphie,we'll make it better at home."
In moments,Dumbledore was alone in the room.
