22. DUMBLEDORE

The usual disclaimers apply. I'm upping the rating to R for no

specific reason. So far,there's been violence and profanity.There's

some nonsexual nudity in this chapter. I've really been restraining

myself. I hope it's been funny enough.

"-we'll be back to REAL PEOPLE IN REAL PAIN after these mes-"

Dumbledore turned the television off with a flick of his wand.

He sat on the couch,deep in thought. Someone had worked a groove

into the couch,and he had gotten stuck in it for a moment.

He was alone in the living room; Marge was in the house somewhere.

Grandpa had watched MATLOCK and now Bart,Homer and Harry were

walking him back to the Retirement Castle. Hagrid had gone back to

feed Fang. Lisa was in the house,somewhere. Fawkes had made friends

with Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II. They were romping

around outside,and now-

His thoughts were interrupted by a tugging on his robe.

He looked down. "And who are you?" he asked the tiny girl,picking

her up. "You must be Maggie," he said. "Aren't you a darling."

Marge walked in to see Dumbledore holding Maggie close,humming

Brahms' Lullaby. Maggie was almost asleep.

"I know the words,if she prefers them," he said. "In German or

English." He began singing softly. "*Guten abend,gut nacht...mit

Roslein bedaa-acht...mit naglein bestecht...schluf unter die

Deckt*..."

"Do you have children?" Marge asked.

His face fell.

"I'm sorry," she said. "What about Harry?"

He smiled. It was a sad smile.

"It's just...the way you look at him."

"Harry-" he looked down. "I think she's asleep."

He handed Maggie over to Marge.

Maggie yawned,but did not wake up.

"How old is she?"

"She's-" Marge looked back. "Did you turn the TV off?"

"I'm sorry,do you like REAL PEOPLE IN REAL PAIN?"

"Oh. No,no,it's just that that thing's on all the time...I'm not

used to it so quiet around here." Homer Simpson,he decided,was the

luckiest man who had ever walked the planet.

"Is there a special channel for wizards?"

"Not yet," he said. "I've never watched much television,myself.

There have been a few programs,though...have you ever watched THE

TWILIGHT ZONE?"

"Sure."

"That show featured some of the most poetic writing I've ever

heard. I can't possibly pick a favorite episode."

"Mine is 'Number Twelve Looks Just Like You.'"

"Then,of course,there's DOCTOR WHO and MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING

CIRCUS.British institutions,both of them. Things we share with your

world."

"I tried watching DOCTOR WHO once when I was little. I ended up

hiding from the monsters behind the couch."

"I played a monster on DOCTOR WHO once."

"You did?"

"I was a Cyberman. None of us could see because the costumes didn't

have eyeholes. We had to memorize everything around us,but there

are outtakes featuring people falling over chairs and bumping into

each other. I remember one episode where an alien fell over a

deckchair and they just kept filming."

Marge laughed.

Maggie shifted in her arms.

"Would you like to hold her again?"

"I-"

He glanced towards the window.

"Just a moment," he said.

He made his way towards the window.

"There are people outside Ned Flanders' home."

Marge joined him at the window.

"I don't see anyone."

"Excuse me a moment," he said. "Don't be alarmed. I'm going to

become invisible."

Just like that,he vanished before her eyes.

"I wouldn't want to steal Bart's thunder," Marge said,"But that

was COOL."

A rush of warm air brushed over her cheek.

Then,at the front door,the knob turned; the door swung open.

"Just knock,and I'll let you back in," she said.

The door closed at Dumbledore's back.

He strolled down the front walk,then turned towards the Flanders

residence. There were two people standing on the lawn-a man and a

woman. Neither of them were alive.

The woman had died badly. She had once been lovely,in a quiet way.

Her arms and legs bent at terrible angles. She looked like a

discarded marionette.Dumbledore had broken his nose a few times,but

this woman's face was one big bruise. Fortunately,he did not get

the impression that she had been beaten to death; that was one

thing he could not stand by and watch-men who beat their wives.

Cowards. He had been raised to respect women; they put up with a

lot of nonsense.

Dumbledore could not see through her. "Hello," he said.

"Oh," she said. "Hello."

"Hey," the other one said. He was a mass of burnt,charred flesh. He

wore eyeglasses of black,squarish plastic; they were fused with

his face. His slacks and button-down shirt(accompanied by matching

tie) were fried. It was impossible to tell skin and cloth apart.

"We saw you earlier," the woman said. "Neddy gets a bit overexcited-"

"No harm done," he said. "Albus Dumbledore."

"That's French,isn't it?"

"I do have French ancestry."

The dead woman smiled."Maude Flanders. That's Frank,over there."

"I'm not Frank,I'm Homer Simpson," said Frank,with an intense air.

"You're not Homer Simpson," Dumbledore said. "I met Homer Simpson,

and you're most assuredly not him."

"Oh,RIGHT. You came out of his CASTLE. Did he feed you LOBSTER?"

"No,actually. We had roast chicken. It was delicious."

"So he's got YOU hoodwinked too."

"Don't mind Frank," Maude said. "He's been like that awhile."

Up the street,voices rang out.

Harry was riding Bart's skateboard. Bart and Homer brought up the

back. "You're doing great," Bart said.

"It's my first time," Harry said,with a laugh that did Dumbledore's

heart a world of good. "I'm used to much faster-"

The board hit an uneven part of the street. He fell off the board,

stumbled-

Dumbledore caught Harry,becoming visible as he did so.

"Professor," Harry said,grinning like he hadn't in months. "Did you

see me?"

"I certainly did,Harry. You were doing quite well."

"Hey,Professor," Bart said, "I was just thinking. Would my board go

any faster if it could fly?"

"I'm sure it would," Dumbledore said. "But-"

"Aw,c'mon,we wouldn't tell anyone," Homer said.

"You wouldn't have to," Harry said. "The Ministry Of Magic tracks

things like that-"

"Oh,I don't know," Dumbledore said. "I'm sure Arthur will

understand. I mean,if I enchant the board to fly,they'll assume

that I must have had a very good reason,right?" He winked at Harry.

Harry tried to smile.

"Right,then. Bart,get on the board."

Bart stepped onto the skateboard.

"Now get a good start."

Bart pushed off with his foot and away he went,down the street.

Dumbledore pointed his wand at the board. He said words Harry

didn't recognize; avior-something. Harry decided to ask later.

"Whoa," Bart said as the board left the ground. Bart aimed the

board towards the sky and he soared up and up until they could

barely see him.

"Hey,he's really up there," Homer said.

"He's coming down," Harry said.

At first,Harry thought Bart was screaming in terror. But as he closed

the distance towards the ground,he knew that Bart was into the ride.

There was a manic smile on his face as he swooped past them,zooming

down the street as if he'd been born on that board.

He came back,having managed to land the board on the sidewalk.

"Oh,man,that was INTENSE."

"That was brilliant,Bart," Harry said.

"Of course it was," Bart said. He and Harry exchanged grins.

Marge met them at the door. Homer pinned her against it and

kissed her. Dumbledore and Harry managed to squeeze past them.

When he let go,Homer went into the kitchen. "You want some beer,

Professor?" he asked.

"Not right now,Homer,thank you." He turned to Marge. "I wouldn't

want to impose on you,but could I bathe,or take a thorough shower?"

"Go right ahead. Upstairs,near the end of the hall."

"I promise not to clog the drain," he said.

Marge smiled.

He studied the pictures on the wall as he headed up the stairs. As

he did,he became aware of the music. In the upstairs hallway,he

followed it to its source; Lisa's room. The girl,comfortably

situated on her bed,was playing her saxophone. He tried to remember

how old Lisa was...eight? Nine? Eight.

In a moment,Lisa stopped playing.

Dumbledore applauded politely.

Lisa nearly fell off the bed.

"Professor Dumbledore," she said.

"That was beautiful," he said,wiping a tear away."What was it?"

"Just an improvisation."

"I often wish we had a school band at Hogwarts. Alas, we don't.

There is magic in music that you cannot just teach."

"I could play something else for you."

"Lisa,there's nothing I would rather do than sit down and listen

to you play. However,I feel the need for a shower."

"Oh. Well,okay. Will you come downstairs after?"

"I suspect it's preferable to jumping out the window."

"We could have milk and cookies." She thought. "Do you drink milk?"

"Oh,yes. My teeth are a testament to that." He leaned closer to

Lisa and showed her that he still had every one of his teeth.

"Okay," she said. Then she did a most surprising thing; she kissed

him on the cheek,then took off downstairs.

He found the correct room without difficulty. It was a well-kept

bathroom with the usual accessories. He closed the door.

First, he removed his boots,then his socks. Dumbledore removed his

robes,folded them neatly,and placed them on the sink. Then he He

glanced in the mirror over the sink; for a man his age,he was in

remarkably good shape. He still had all his hair. His shoulders

were sturdy and wide,as was his chest; he was tall and thin,but

not emaciated. As for everything out of the mirror's range,well,he

had no complaints.

He stepped into the shower,and drew the curtain. He put his hands

together for a moment; when he separated them,a bar of soap rested

in one cupped palm. He figured out which knob led to the cold water;

when it hit him,he found it refreshing,but the hot water felt even

better. He breathed in the steam. The water washed over him as he

soaped himself all over; he failed to notice the shadow behind the

curtain as it crept closer and closer until-

The curtain flew aside.

Alastor Moody was on the other side,grinning.

"Evening,Albus. Is this a bad time?"

"CAN'T AN OLD MAN HAVE SOME PRIVACY AROUND HERE?"

Alastor laughed,and disappeared behind the curtains.

A moment later,he parted them again.

"Have you been working out?"

He was splattered with water. Moody laughed,and ducked behind the

curtain again.

He handed Dumbledore a towel when he stepped out of the shower.

"One of theirs?" he asked.

"Nah. Used to be a brick I found in the street."

Dumbledore wrapped it around his waist.

Moody pointed his wand at Dumbledore and mumbled something. There

was a warm wind and Dumbledore's hair was dry.

"When did you arrive?"

"Been walkin' around Springfield a while. Y'know,the fish near the

nuclear plant have three eyes? Eh,you'll see 'em later. I wandered

around aimlessly until I remembered Hagrid was here. I found the

school and talked to the big guy and he told me ya might be here.

Filled me in on the kid with the leprechaun and everything."

Dumbledore transfigured the robes he'd worn into new robes; these

were Gryffindor colors,gold with red trimming.

"So you met the Simpsons,then?"

"No,I burst in like gangbusters and killed 'em all. Of COURSE I

introduced myself. D'ye think I'm a discourteous idiot?"

"I would never accuse you of discourtesy."

"On the way here,I ran into Professor McGonagall. She's downstairs,

and she had a most extraordinary guy with her. Frink,I think."

"That rhymed. Congratulations."

"Right. Thanks."

Dumbledore transfigured the old socks to new ones. Then he put

his boots back on. He followed Moody downstairs.

"Y'know,Snape had a portkey,too." Moody said.

Dumbledore slapped himself across the forehead. "Who's guarding

Hogwarts?"

"Relax,Albus...the castle is well-guarded. In addition to the

myriad of protective spells,there's the beautiful yet deadly

trio of Professor Sprout,Poppy Pomfrey,Professor Sinistra,

and Professor Vector."

"That's four,Alastor."

"Is it really? Well,I'll flagellate myself when we get back. And

don't forget,the castle is full of teenagers whose magical

abilities have been cultivated by the finest professors in the world.

Flitwick is still there,remember." He paused. "Who's the Defense

teacher this year?"

"His name is Chillinger," Dumbledore said. "Good man. I don't know

how long he'll last,though. He has...problems. You met him at the

last staff meeting."

"There are three of him."

"Three of him?"

"I'll tell you later."

Minerva was seated at the kitchen table; she was smiling at Lisa,

beside her. A man Dumbledore hadn't seen before sat slumped over

the table,nursing a glass of water. Marge was washing glasses over

the sink. Near her,Homer was drinking another beer. Maggie was in

her high chair again,being licked by Snowball II and Santa's Little

Helper. She was holding Fawkes with one tiny finger.

Minerva looked up. "Albus-"

"Evening,Minerva." He sat down. "When did you get here?"

"Oh,Albus. I've been watching you since yesterday."

"I see," he said. "Well,no wonder I've felt so safe."

Minerva blushed,but also smiled.

"I ran into Professor Frink. After you turned that man's hair white."

"His hair turned white of its own accord."

"What did you say to him?"

"It doesn't matter now," he said.

"I should think it does matter," she said.

"Why?"

She glanced at Lisa. "Oh...just in case I need to use it..."

Lisa laughed.

"May I sit down?" Moody asked.

"Sure," Lisa said,and pulled out a chair next to Maggie.

Moody sat down.

"Much obliged,Miss Simpson. Or do yeh prefer Lisa?"

"I love being called Miss Simpson," Lisa confessed.

Moody rocked the table with his laughter.

"And this lovely lass is undoubtedly Maggie."

There was some sort of baby food in front of her.

Moody shoveled some with a spoon. Then he fed it to Maggie.

"She's not afraid of me," Moody said.

"Maggie's fearless," Marge said.

"It's just that most babies scream when they see me."

"Why?" Lisa asked.

"You don't find me frightening?"

"You don't frighten me at all," Lisa said. "First, you're a

teacher-a professor. Intellect doesn't frighten me. Second,

after a lifetime of violence on television, I've become

desensitized to fear."

"Oh. Well,right then. You know Professor Frink,then?"

"Our paths have crossed nurmreous times before,ga-hey."

"Wonderful," Dumbledore said. "Well-"

From the front door came a knocking.

The kitchen fell silent in a second.

Everyone froze.

Again,knocking. Short,sharp blows.

"Jeez,I'll get it," Bart said.

"Bart,don't." Harry said.

"Don't worry,man."

Most everyone followed him into the living room.

Maggie stayed in her high chair. The animals around her had adopted

defensive positions,protecting her on all sides.

"I should have stopped him," Harry said. "I could have-"

Dumbledore put a finger to his lips.

"Shhhhh..."

In the living room,Professors McGonagall and Moody had ushered

everyone else upstairs-wands their wands out,unwavering,pointed at

the door.

Bart turned the doorknob.

The door swung open.

A dark shape stood on the other side.

It stepped into the light.

McGonagall put her wand down. Moody lingered for a second,and

then did the same.

"And who are you,young man?" Snape asked.

"I'm Bart Simpson," Bart said. "Who the hell are you?"

Harry would have given all the money in the vault at Gringotts

to see Snape's face,but he was struggling not to lose his composure.

Dumbledore was literally shaking with silent laughter.

"Professor Severus Snape," said Snape. He swept past Bart. "I

trust Professor Dumbledore is here?"

Harry pulled Dumbledore to his feet.

"Indeed I am,Severus." He stepped out of the kitchen,with a

perfectly straight face.

Snape nodded silently.

Then something weird happened.

Homer brushed Snape in passing.

Snape jerked away from him, as if he'd been stung.

"You must be hungry,Professor Snape," Marge said.

"I wouldn't want to trouble you,ma'am."

He stared hard at the back of Homer's neck.

"It's no trouble."

He followed her into the kitchen.

"Please,sit down."

"This ought to be good," Harry breathed.

Professor Dumbledore heard him. "Just good?" he whispered.

Marge pulled out a chair for Snape. He stared at her for a second,

stared at the chair,and then sat down. Maggie shotgunned her

pacifier. Snape focused his attention on Maggie.

Snowball II hopped into Snape's lap and started to purr.

"I-"

"Well,now that we're all here..." said Dumbledore,trailing off.

Dumbledore pulled a glass of water out of nothing. He drank some.

Then: "Have any of you ever seen a film called ROBOT MONSTER?"

"There've been so many robot monsters in my life,I can't tell

real robot monsters apart from the fake ones," said Homer.

"Well, I have. I actually saw it when it first came out.

Supposedly, it was written in thirty minutes. The director tried

to kill himself,but was unsuccessful. I'm just saying that this

whole situation rivals the amount of planning that went into ROBOT

MONSTER. Boggles my mind,really. I suppose Voldemort forgot

whatever he was planning to do here,there's no other explanation."

"Explanation for what?" Marge asked.

"Marge...how do you feel about Ralph Wiggum?"

"Ralph's a nice boy."

"Would you say there's a bond between the two of you?"

"I don't know...I suppose. I kind of sprayed him with mace a few

weeks ago,but that was an accident."

"All right...pardon this expository dialogue. Ralph may have

natural pyrokinetic powers. Rather unfortunate,since he's also a

pyromaniac.He's also attracted the attention of a leprechaun who

keeps Ralph's powers unknown even to him by telling him to start

fires on his own. Now, I don't know how they got it into their

heads that Harry here was being replaced,since Harry is

irreplaceable-" He nodded at Harry, who bowed his head with a

gentle smile. "Professor Frink,I believe you know this next part."

"The invisible guys from the government, mmm-hmm." Frink said.

"Apparently,Death Eaters have infiltrated the Central Intelligence

Agency," Dumbledore said. "But there's a problem. Professor Frink?"

"Somehow,they became invisible. Of course, they can't see because

the human eye needs light to reflect off of the cornea."

"Interesting," Dumbledore said. "I'm never blind when I-oh,

never mind,go on,Professor."

They found me the other night,while I was testing an invention.

Homer may or may not remember,as he was sloshed beyond all

comprehension."

"Hey,he's right." Homer said.

"They triangulated my position and beat the holy crap out of me,"

said Professor Frink. "They left me in a Dumpster,and that's where

I met Professor McGonagall."

"So now,there's only a matter of time before other surveillance

people are installed," Snape said.

"Professor," Harry said,"Does this have ANYTHING to do with me?"

"No,Harry,it does not. As amazing as it may seem,they're not after

you. They want Ralph Wiggum. He has telekinetic powers they could

put to their own nefarious uses."

"He's not safe," Professor McGonagall asked.

"Not as safe as he could be," Dumbledore said.

"Could we bring Ralph and his family here?" Snape asked.

"Chief Wiggum won't do that," Marge said. "Still,it is Ralph-"

"This house is very secure," Dumbledore said.

From the window, a new voice. "Oh. Yeah. Nice security. If I wasn't

so fat I would be crawling through the window by now."

He was an enormously fat man with a messy beard,dressed in a

faded blue shirt. Hopefully,he was also wearing pants.

"Do you know him,Lisa?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Don't worry. He's with us."

"I'm with myself," the Comic Book Guy said. "And let me just say

that this situation is so reminiscent of Stephen King that it-"

"How does our situation relate to Stephen King?" Dumbledore asked.

"Oh,come ON. A kid named RALPH who has pyrokinetic powers that bad

people want to use for their own? Ever heard of STORM OF THE

CENTURY or FIRESTARTER?"

"Sir,REALLY." Professor McGonagall said. "Whatever associations you

may make are coincidental."

"Worst coincidence EVER," he said,and left.

Professor McGonagall pointed her wand at the window and mumbled

something under her breath. "There. Now it's soundproof."

"Alastor," Dumbledore said,"Go back to Hogwarts and inform the

staff. This exchange program has yielded more than we thought it

would."

"Right," Professor Moody said.

Dumbledore took a sip of water.

Moody came back into the kitchen.

"There was an envelope with my name on it," Moody said. "It's not

where I left it."

Lisa looked around the room.

"Where's Bart?" she asked.