Good Mental Health Is So Hard To Find

In a Health class not long after Kelly had become principal…

"Good afternoon students. I'm Ms. March," The dark haired woman smiled sweetly. "And today we're here to talk about sex education, per mandate the court order."

"Well it's about time!" Pietro shouted. In the classroom were all the Brotherhood and X-Men. "So what do you want to know?"

"Very amusing," Ms. March said in a tone that indicated she wasn't. "Now let's talk about preventing unwanted pregnancies. Abstinence is of course the recommended form." She took a whiff of Todd's scent and grimaced. "All though some of you may be more adept at that than others. But what are some other ways?"

"Well condoms and birth control pills," Jean held up her hand.

"Yes, that is correct. Of course someone like you would know all about that wouldn't you?" Ms. March spoke in a frosty tone.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jean asked.

"I know all about girls like you," Ms. March glared at Jean. "Dating the star quarterback and pretending to be an A student…"

"Sorry she really is a brain," Pietro spoke up. "But that doesn't mean she can't be a slut too!"

"Shut up Maximoff!" Jean snapped.

"And to think I wasn't even going to come to this class," Tabitha snickered.

"Words from another expert I see," Ms. March looked at Tabitha.

"And you must be an expert about abstinence," Tabitha grinned back.

"I have a question. Is there any way you can have sex with another person without actually having physical contact with someone?" Rogue asked. "Any way at all?"

"No, you can't have sex without touching someone!" Ms. March shouted. "What kind of stupid question is that?"

"A safe sex question duh," Pietro remarked. "You're not very bright are you?"

"And you look a little light in your loafers if you get my drift happy boy," Ms. March glared at him.

"WHAT?" Pietro snapped. Evan giggled. "SHUT UP DANIELS! LIKE YOU'D EVER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN!"

"Moving on…" Ms. March said. "Let's talk about our relationships with members of the opposite sex. Or same sex in some cases…"

"I AM NOT GAY! I HAVE PROOF!" Pietro shouted. "You want pictures? Phone numbers? Bras? I've got a ton of them in my locker!"

"Shut up Pietro!" Scott groaned.

"Yes now I want all of you to talk about your relationships," Ms. March said.

"Oh I get it," Pietro said. "This lady is a spy from the government to report on teen sex lives!"

"I am not!" Ms. March snapped.

"Narc! Cough!" Pietro coughed.

"Watch it Tinkerbell!" Ms. March snapped. She then noticed Tabitha taking a soda out of her purse. "You! Give me that soda!"

"I'm thirsty here!" Tabitha said.

"No drinks allowed! Give me that!" Ms. March took it and put it on her desk.

"Hey I paid for that!" Tabitha said.

"No you didn't!" Kitty fumed.

"Well I got it from the machine outside all the same!" Tabitha said.

"I thought I heard an explosion before class," Scott muttered under his breath.

"Let me get the stupid forms for you idiots to fill out," Ms. March grumbled.

When she turned her back Pietro zoomed to her desk. Shook the soda can very rapidly and sat down before she turned back. She opened it to take a drink and it spilled out all over her. "AGGHH!"

"See! That's what you get for stealing someone's soda," Tabitha said.

"Agh!" Ms. March put the soda can down on the desk and wiped her eyes. As she did so Pietro took the opportunity to put the soda can on the opposite side of the desk. "Now…" She looked at where the can should have been. "That's strange. I could have sworn…Never mind! I have forms here to pass out."

She looked for the papers on the desk. "Where are the papers I had here?"

"You passed them out already!" Pietro held one up. Again he had used his super speed to distribute them to the class.

"I did?" Ms. March blinked. "Okay….Well fill them out." She went to her seat looking rather confused.

"Pietro will you quit it?" Scott hissed. "You're gonna get us all in trouble!"

"No I'm not! Hey Jean! Use your powers to make the soda can move!" Pietro whispered. "It'll be fun to watch her freak out!"

"Pietro!" Jean hissed.

"Come on, it's just us in here! And it'll be her word against ours!" Pietro said.

"No way Quicksilver! I won't use my powers like that!" Jean hissed.

"Maximoff! Stop trying to hit on the class slut! It won't change what you are!" Ms. March snapped.

"On the other hand…" Jean thought.

"You're not seriously going to do that are you?" Scott asked Jean.

"Normally I wouldn't but this lady is seriously getting on my nerves," Jean grumbled. She concentrated and the soda can moved slightly to the left.

"What the hell…?" Ms. March gasped.

"You shouldn't swear in school," Fred told her.

"Okay you had to have seen that!" Ms. March said.

"Seen what?" Jean covered.

"THE SODA CAN! IT MOVED ALL BY ITSELF!" Ms. March screamed.

"I didn't see it move," Pietro said innocently. "Did you see it move?"

"No, I did not see it move," Lance said. "Did you see it move, Freddy?"

"No Lance I did not see it move," Fred played innocent. "Did you see it move Toad?"

"Well when she picked it up I saw it move," Todd said. "Does that count?"

"No you stupid little…" Ms. March snapped when suddenly the can moved again. "See! See it's moving! It's moving!"

"No it's not," Jean said. "And nobody else is seeing it move either." The students quickly agreed.

"Okay…" Ms. March was sounding nervous. "Stay calm. Relax. I knew I shouldn't have skipped my medication today. WHOA!" The room shook for a moment. "Earthquake! Earthquake!"

"What earthquake?" Lance blinked.

Pietro had another idea. Before anyone could stop him he quickly shut off Kurt's inducer exposing his true self. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Ms. March screamed. "DEMON!"

"What demon?" Kitty said quickly. "He looks perfectly normal to me."

Kurt quickly pressed his inducer back on. "Uh yeah I'm not a blue demon. Really!" He glared at Pietro as if he was going to kill him.

"How did you know what color…?" Ms. March shook her head. "Never mind. I think I need to get a drink now. I mean get something in me. I mean…I'll be in the ladies' room…" She stumbled away.

"Oh man did you see her face?" Pietro guffawed. "That was hilarious!"

"That wasn't funny Quicksilver!" Evan snapped. "What if someone else had walked in or something?"

"Oh relax Daniels," Todd snapped. "Forget about it. Nothing bad is going to happen."

BOOM!

THUD!

"That sounded like it came from the vending machine outside!" Kitty shouted.

"Oops," Tabitha blinked. "I forgot about that one."

They rushed outside to find Ms. March lying flat on the floor covered in soda and quarters. "He he…Blue demon…Go boom…Sodas for everyone…" She giggled before she passed out.

"Oh great! Not again! And I just hired her this morning!" Kelly screamed as he rounded the corner and saw her lying there. "Someone call 911!"

"I told you we shouldn't have done that," Scott said.

"We lose more teachers that way," Fred remarked.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"You know I'd forgotten all about that," Jean snickered. "That was kind of fun."

"Did my ears hear correctly?" Tabitha perked up. "Or is Ms. Perfect leaning towards the dark side?"

"Hey despite what you guys think of me I am human, so to speak," Jean said. "Even I get tempted every now and then."

"Yeah, like Jean would ever actually turn bad," Lance said. "Never happen."

"Well, we used to think you guys would never be good," Kurt said. "Especially after that one field trip we went on. You remember when the whole school went to see that play?"

"How could we forget?" Pietro grinned. "If it wasn't for us that trip would never have happened!"

"Don't remind me!" Jean groaned. "I can still hear the screams in my nightmares!"

"Why? What did they do?" Betsy asked.

"What didn't they do!" Scott told her. "It all started when the Brotherhood got the entire school infested with hamsters."

"Accidentally infested with hamsters…" Todd reminded him.

"How do you accidentally infest a school with hamsters?" Tim asked.

"Well you see we had these pet hamsters and they got pregnant," Fred told him. "Unfortunately Toad was in charge of taking care of them…"