None of these characters belong to me. "Bloody Mary" belongs to Cursed,who rock.

The name "Eliphaz" comes from Eliphaz Moss,from John Bellairs's excellent THE FIGURE

IN THE SHADOWS.



31.

SELMA

I know it's wrong

I know it's wrong

I know it's wrong

Now bring it on

-Cursed,"Bloody Mary"

Snape awoke, and found himself eye-to-eye with a lizard. It had

been sitting on top of the couch. He remembered falling asleep

right here,in the Simpsons' living room, but did not remember the

lizard. It made a strange, throaty trilling sound, as if saying

hello.



"His name's Jub-Jub."

She stood on the threshold between the kitchen and the living

room; Snape could tell she was related to Marge Simpson.

There were subtle differences,most notably her eyes; she looked

terribly bored. Also, she held a cigarette between two of her

fingers.

"My name's Selma," she said.

"Snape. Severus Snape."

"Severus. I like that,it sounds like a command instead of a name.

Sever us. Like something a doomed mountaineer would say."

He sat up, and realized he'd slept in his clothes.

"What time is it?" Snape asked.

"Seven o'clock. You use the twenty-four hour clock,right?"

"I have never liked the twenty-four hour clock."

"Yeah," Selma said. "That thing's confusing. Fifteen o'clock...

that just isn't right."

She sat next to him. Jub-Jub crawled across the couch and

sat in her lap. "Marge tells me you're a professor," she said.

She put her hand on his knee.

"My official title is Potions Master."

"Potions? You mean like eye of newt, toe of frog, and all that?"

"I wish my classes could always be so Shakespearean."

Selma laughed.

I said something funny, Snape thought.

"With all those ingredients, I bet you're a good cook."

"Indeed," Snape said.

Selma grinned. Her teeth were yellow.

Snape couldn't take his eyes off of them. They were like Madame Hooch's eyes.

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No," Selma said.



"Is anyone else awake?"

"It's just you and me and Jub-Jub."

Snape arose from the couch. He swept past Selma,who breathed

in the displaced air.

"Would you care to join me?" Snape asked.

"Oh,uh...yeah."

She actually brought the lizard with her.

"Here ya go,Jub-Jub," she said, turning him loose on the kitchen table.

Snape opened the refrigerator.

"Merlin," he said. "Look at all this beer."

"Homer's," Selma said. She sounded disgusted.

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Not a fan of his, I gather."

"Nope."

She didn't elaborate.

I wonder,Snape thought. What's Marge Simpson's addiction? Homer has beer and

Selma's burning that coffin nail-

"Here we are," Severus said. He pulled out the half-gone gallon jug of milk,

along with a trio of eggs.

"Need any help?"

"No," he said. "I'm perfectly capable."

"Yeah," Selma said. "I bet you are."

Snape turned away from the counter,his eyes wide.

Selma had already wandered out of the room.

She's FLIRTING with me,Snape thought.

He had absolutely no idea what to do.

The egg in his hand cracked open, spilling the yolk into his hand.

"Aggh."

Egg yolk always reminded him of amniotic fluid. Once, he had served his father a

drink with a chicken embryo floating around inside. He never even noticed.

He tried not to think of his father while cooking. He knew the food would

probably be ruined if he got on that train of thought.

He felt strange; Selma had caught him with his guard down and had been nice to him.

Snape had allowed her to do so.

(Is she ATTRACTED to me? Here's a better question: Am I attracted to HER?)

Behind him, the microwave exploded.

"Oh,no..."

The knives on the wall block began vibrating.

Oh, bloody hell, Snape thought. I DO find her attractive-

A jet of water erupted from the sink.

(How long has it been, Severus?)

The refrigerator door was blown off of its hinges. Inside, every can of

Duff had combusted spontaneously.

Snape pulled a chair away from the table.

He sat down; the chair fell apart, as did the table.

Snape sat there a moment,too stunned to do anything. He had wanted at least to try

to be a gracious guest. Guests did not destroy their host's kitchen.

He put his face in his hands; after a moment, he realized his face was slathered

with egg yolk.

"Whoa."

Snape looked up at Selma.

"I just wanted to make breakfast," he said.

Selma crouched down in front of him.

She touched his hand.

The toaster blew up.

"What happened?"

Snape just shook his head.

Next thing he knew,she was wiping the yolk from his face.

"Look...you should probably go. I'll clean up."

"No, I-"

"I insist," Selma said. She pulled him to his feet,then took him by the arm

and led him out, through the living room and out the front door.

"See you," she said, and closed the door on him.

As he made his way to Springfield Elementary,Snape was so involved in denial-

"I am NOT enamored of that woman,she means NOTHING to me-" that he failed to

notice the powder-blue Chevy Malibu following him. It pulled ahead of him, and

stopped on the corner, in Snape's path.

A man got out of the car and walked over to the passenger side. He leaned

against the car,pulled a knife from his pocket and began to trim his fingernails.

His head was extraordinarily long and thin; Snape tried to imagine what his

skull looked like. His eyes were rather round and heavily lidded. His hair-dark

red; it was as if a poinsettia plant had sprouted,ha ha, Professor Sprout

did this to him-out of the top of his head. He wore dark jeans and a shirt that

read ICH ESSE MEIN KOPF across the front.

"Hello, Severus," he said.

"Do I know you, sir?"

"Oh,you will, if you hurt Selma..."

"You know Selma, do you?"

"I was married to her."

"Did she divorce you?"

"Well, I tried to kill her." He offered an apologetic shrug. "Headed over to the

school?"

"Yes,I am," Severus said,leaving out the "sir" this time.

"The name's Bob."

"Bob?"

"Bob Terwilliger." He grinned. "Folks around here call me Sideshow Bob."

"Indeed," Severus said. Was everyone in this town insane?

"Ask Bart about me," he said. "He'll tell you everything-"

He sliced too deeply into the last nail.

A drop of blood welled out of his finger.

Bob then unleashed the most diabolical laugh Snape had ever heard. Being a Death

Eater had exposed him to some of the most diabolical laughter known to man, and

felt like a capable judge.

In one fluid movement, Sideshow Bob slipped through the passenger window and

plunked down into the driver's seat.

"See you around,Sever-man."

He left Snape standing in a cloud of dust.

"Bloody psychotic Americans..."

I know scarier people than that, Snape thought. But not many.

How could Selma have been married to him?

Of course,she's attracted to ME,so that explains a lot-

The lamppost above him exploded, showering the pavement with glass.

Other than that, the journey to Hagrid's cabin was uneventful. The morning

was overcast, just the way he liked it. The only improvement would have been

a sheen of fog. Moisture without rain. If it were going to rain, he preferred

great earth-shaking thunderstorms.

Finally,he came upon Springfield Elementary,which was deserted-

-except for Professor Sprout. She sat on the geometric metal structure-the

jungle gym?-freely swinging her bare feet through the air. Her boots lay sprawled

on the ground below. In fact,she had pulled her leaf-green robes up past her knees.

It was the first time he had ever seen her legs; they were fleshy and thick. He felt

like an interloper, witnessing something ancient and forbidden.

She saw him.

"Morning, Severus," she said, practically singing, and dropped to the ground.

He bowed. "Professor Sprout," he said. He didn't feel comfortable calling her by her

first name. Even if she spent her time crawling around in the dirt, she carried

herself with a grand, crusty elegance that commanded his respect. Earth Mother,

he thought.

"I'm rather glad you're here," he said.

"I just wanted to see Hagrid," she said, with a polite smile.

"And I must to go back to Hogwarts," he said. "Professor..."

"Is something troubling you, Severus?"

"I am rather troubled."

"Well, I'll try to help you, if I can."

"There's...a woman."

Her face lit up.

He wasn't surprised when she burst into laughter.

"Go on. Laugh. Her name is Selma." He closed his eyes. "She's a Muggle."

"Selma what?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to do."

"Ask the Headmaster. He's the ladies' man."

"Are you serious?"

"Well,he is married,but he still knows how to treat a lady-"

"Shhh," Snape said. "No personal information. The less I know about everyone

in my life, the better. All I know of you is what I see."

"You didn't attend the last Yule Ball," Sprout said. "That man can dance."

"Dancing?"

"An enviable skill."

"I...can't...DANCE."

"You can cook, though."

Snape sat down on the slide.

"I...well,I believe the Muggle term is totaled? I totaled their kitchen."

"You did?"

"Without even touching anything."

"Happens to the best of us," she said.

"Professor-"

"Addie, Severus. Call me Addie."

"I don't feel worthy enough."

"How very Arthurian of you."

"Yes, well, there was a round table in the kitchen and I flattened it."

She laughed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't mean to-" She lost herself

in laughter. "Oh...Severus,the whole kitchen?"

"Most of it," he said. "Why is this happening to me?"

"You ask that as if it's horrible. It isn't, Severus, it's wonderful, what you're

feeling. I know it must be difficult for you."

"I've never felt like this before, Professor. I didn't know that I could."

"The fact that you are is evidence enough. We always knew you would."

"We?"

"All of us. Me, Minerva, everybody. We're behind you."

"I suppose that's reassuring."

"I'm not trying to suddenly cause you to have some sort of miraculous epiphany.

I'm just being honest."

"I appreciate your honesty."

"My only real issue with you is Neville Longbottom." and Harry Potter,but

she didn't say it. "I know you think the lad's hopeless, but I know differently."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

She nodded. "That's all I ask."

Snape scooped a handful of sand from the bottom of the slide. They watched it

run through his fingers.

"What about you?" Snape asked. "What attracts you to Hagrid?"

"Well, let me count the ways, as it were...he's kind-"

"I know that."

"-he's not judgemental-"

"I know that."

"-he's easy to talk to-"

"Right."

"-he's not an abusive monster like my ex-husband-"

"Didn't know that."

"-it had to be said. He's always making me laugh-"

"He's made me smile."

-he's gentle as a-"

The door opened.

"Well," Hagrid said,stepping down to the grass, "I been scopin' out the woods and

there's this nice, quiet spot where we can-oh, hey, Professor Snape..."

"Hagrid," Snape said.

His respect for Hagrid was boundless.

"Did yeh eat yet?"

"Not yet," Snape said. He lifted himself off of the slide.

"Food's inside," Hagrid said. "Eat whatcha want."

"It's rather crowded in there."

"Yeah," Hagrid grunted.

Hagrid patted Snape on the shoulder as he passed. Snape's knees buckled a bit,

but he managed to stay on his feet.

He opened the door to a curious scene.

Potter was asleep,in Hagrid's bed. That was how Snape liked Potter best. Draped

over him was a big yellow blanket. The Headmaster was seated in a chair by the

bed, concentrating only on Potter. Professor McGonagall had thrown herself back in

Hagrid's chair,still reading the book she'd started three days ago.

He closed the door; the room darkened,and he saw three people, asleep against

the wall-two very stout adults,and between them, a child.

"You know-"

Albus looked over at Snape, smiled,and put a finger to his lips.

"You know," Snape whispered,"I assumed that blanket was for Fang."

Minerva clicked her tongue in disgust.

Then,visions of Potter doing doggish things appeared in his head.

They amused him.

"When he wakes up, ask him if he had the urge to chase cats," he said.

Minerva rolled her eyes.

"He might not have to study Occlumency with the help of this blanket," Albus said.

"Well,then-" He looked over at the strangers. "Who are these people?"

"Well, Severus, the child is Ralph Wiggum."

"THIS is Ralph Wiggum?"

"And his parents."

"So we're protecting them now?"

"Yes, Severus, we certainly are. Did you know there was going to be an attack?"

"No, I didn't."

"Their house was beseiged by Death Eaters last night."

"And they're still alive," Snape said, shaking his head in amazement.

"Antonin Dolohov, Haagen Macnair, Jupiter Jugson and Eliphaz Avery

are dead. Luther Nott is missing, and Augustus Rookwood is in custody."

Snape was impressed.

"They subjected Ralph's father to a Cruciatis Curse, and so he is resting. They

also managed to wound Kingsley, but he'll be fine."

"I need to go back to Hogwarts," he said. "For the Veritaserum."

"Is that all?"

How does he always know?

"Well...no."

Severus hung his head.

"What did you do, Severus?" Minerva asked.

"Marge Simpson has a sister named Selma-"

"And another one named Patty," Albus said. "But go on."

"I think Selma may be attracted to me-"

He heard the book fall into Minerva's lap.

"-and I fear the feeling could be mutual."

They both stared at him for a moment, unable to speak.

"Well," Minerva said, "Severus, I knew this day would come,eventually-"

"Albus, I seek your counsel in this matter."

"Why not mine?" Minerva asked, with a malicious grin. "You see, Severus, when

a man and a woman love each other-"

"Minerva, really."

"Running back to Hogwarts won't solve anything," Dumbledore said. "You must

confront these feelings, Severus. We'll discuss this later."

"I'll be back with the Veritaserum."

"Here," Albus flipped a round rubber ball into his hands.

"Portkey?"

"No," Minerva said. "It's for playing catch."

Snape gave her his friendliest lip curl.

"I'll be back," he said.

The portkey activated.

"Our Sevvie's all grown up," Minerva said, succumbing to a fit of witchy laughter.

---

"C'mon," Bart said. "Burp."

The gargoyle unleashed a thirty-second belch.

"Happy?" It asked.

"Oh,yeah."

"Mr. Simpson."

Bart whirled around.

"I've been searching you out," said Professor Snape.

"Yeah?"

"Did you eat breakfast?"

"Sure," he said.

"I ran into someone in Springfield...he said to ask you about him."

"Really?"

"He called himself...Sideshow Bob."

Bart screamed.

"I gather from that scream that you aren't friends."

"He's my arch-nemesis," Bart said. "One of them,anyway."

What? "How many do you have?"

"Forget it. You met Sideshow Bob?"

"Not an hour ago. He said to ask you about him."

"Because I've foiled every one of his nefarious plans, that's why."

"He said he tried to kill your aunt. Has he ever killed anyone?"

"That's the thing about him. Technically,he's never actually killed anybody."

Snape smirked.

"Have you?"

"Oh,yes," Snape said. "But back to the subject. He said he married your aunt?"

"Right."

"How many times has your Aunt Selma been married?"

"Twice,I think. To Sideshow Bob. I thwarted him."

"Well...good for you."

"Then there was Troy McClure."

"Troy McClure?"

"You might remember him from...nah,I guess you wouldn't, would you?"

"What happened?"

"Oh...well,he just married her to further his career. And to settle the rumors

that he was sexually attracted to fish."

"...fish."

"Yeah."

"Fish?"

"Fish."

"I wonder if there's a term for that..."

"I looked it up. Ichthy something."

"Ichthyphilia,I suppose."

"Guess so," Bart said. "Did you meet Selma?"

"Yes, Mr. Simpson, I did."

"You liked her,didn't you?"

"...yes,I did, Mr. Simpson."

"Did you watch MACGYVER yet?"

"I've never even heard of MACGYVER."

"She loves it. You wanna get anywhere with Selma, you gotta love MACGYVER."

"I'll look into it," Snape said.

The gargoyle hiccupped.