None of these fine people belong to me.

32.

BOUNCING AROUND

"HI, everybody!"

"Hi, Dr. Nick..."

Nick Riviera had come right to work from court. Judge Snyder had

let him off with a warning. How was he supposed to refuse a kid

who just wanted a balloon, even if it had been used to inflate

his grandfather's colon? A roomful of balloons took most of the trauma out

of a barium enema-really,it did.

"You're late," the receptionist said. He couldn't remember her name. Her

nametag read SIEGLINDA, which was definitely wrong.

"I'm always late," he said.

"There are some people in the examination room. Been here since last night."

"Anybody seen them?"

"They've been waiting for hours. Three of 'em...a husband-and-wife team who fell

off the second floor of the Sleep-Eazy and some guy...a flock of birds pecked the

living crap out of him. As far as I know,they're still writhing in agony in there.

As far as I can tell, none of them have insurance and they tried to pay me with

these..." she gestured to some coins on her desk. Riviera picked one up.

"What kinda metal is this?"

"I don't know...the guy-goes by the name of Lucius Malfoy. Sounds like Dickens.

Lucius MALFOY, can you believe that? His wife's name? Get ready for this...Narcissa."

"Sounds fake," Nick said.

"Takes one to know one."

"Exactly."

"He called these things Galleons."

"You explained we only take cash?"

"Right. But they're in bad shape, Nick. They've been in there screaming. It's

weird,he screamed for two hours, and then there was a minute of silence, and then

she started up..."

"How about Hoover?"

"Janet Hoover's been moved to a private room. Her temperature is still elevated."

"I told her to go home yesterday."

"She can barely move."

"And I wrecked our ambulance." Riviera shrugged. "Okay, I'll go look."

There was no one in the waiting room.

Usually it was full of people who'd swallowed their car keys or had live animals

Superglued to their faces. All the chairs were free; the lights in the ceiling

flickered as he crossed the room. He opened the door-

LAST NIGHT

"Lucius? Are you conscious?"

It felt rather funny using Lucius's mouth while he was out.

He opened Lucius's eyes, forced his ears to pop.

Finally, he woke up.

"I feel strange," he said. "Like I'm floating."

"They gave you morphine," Voldemort said, through Lucius. "Every bone in your

body is broken."

"Look at me," Lucius said. "I look so strange..."

There was a broken bone jutting through his trousers. His other leg was

bent at a very ominous angle. His arms seemed to be on backwards.

"Can you heal me, my Lord?"

"I don't think you want me to heal you."

Lucius stared out the window,and saw only blackness.

"I can't move my neck," Lucius said.

"Because it's broken, genius."

"They didn't even put us in body casts," Lucius said. He looked over

at Narcissa. "Is she dead?"

"I'll check," Voldemort said. "Be back in a second."

Lucius felt the Dark Lord vacate his body.

After a moment: "No, she's still breathing."

Strangled, Lucius thought. Pushed off of a building. Splinched. Dragged under

the wheels of one of those Mack truck things. Chopped to bits and mailed to

strangers-

-and then Voldemort was back in his body.

"Please heal me, my Lord," Lucius said.

"All right," Voldemort said. "I'll do it."

"Thank you, my Lord."

"It's going to hurt."

"I don't care."

"Lucius...when I say it's going to hurt, that's an understatement. If...I...

tell you something's going to hurt...It's going to HURT. Not that I care, I'm

just giving you fair warning."

Skinned alive. Scalped. Beheaded. Poisoned-

The bones in his legs began to knit back together.

Voldemort had been right.

Lucius screamed.

His shattered ribs began mending.

-and screamed.

Slowly,torn internal tissues healed.

-and SCREAMED.

Nobody came to see what was wrong.

No one would come.

They had laughed at his money.

He had no contacts here.

In a few hours, when it was done, Lucius curled up into a fetal ball,gritted his

teeth, and had a bout of uncontrollable weeping.

Voldemort entered Narcissa. She screamed even louder than Lucius.

Again, no one came.

No one would come.

No one cared.

They really were alone.

NOW

Janet Hoover woke up; she groaned. The intense pain in her head had

still not abated. Dr. Riviera had wondered aloud if there was an earwig

eating her brain, and she'd tried to explain that earwigs just didn't

do that sort of thing, but her words went right over his head.

(Whoosh!)

She wished she could afford real medical insurance. On her salary, she

could either eat or send a monthly money order to some insurance company.

She just wanted to go home. She kind of missed work,too. It wasn't the same

not seeing the kids, every day...oh, who was she kidding? A day away from those

kids is like a vacation on the French Riviera. She had an entire room all to herself,

and a television,too. Right now, JERRY SPRINGER was on. The topic of today's show:

"My Dad's A Ninja Assassin." The battle royale onstage included the guy, the guy's

family and families of his victims. At one point, somebody got past the clutches

of Steve the security guard and launched themself at the ninja dad,who didn't

even get up. He just threw a dart into the other guy's neck. The guy crumpled to the

floor and the audience cheered.

The door on the far end of the room opened.

Nick Riviera stopped at the head of her bed.

"Hey, Dr. Nick," she said.

Then she looked in his eyes.

They looked like-

"Dr. Nick...what's wrong with your EYES?"

They were red now, with abyssal slits.

"Nothing," he said,in his normal voice.

Then, in another voice, he said, "She'll do."

Janet tried to move; her head throbbed,blurring her vision.

Dr. Nick's face seemed to warp and stretch, as if he were made of

rubber and someone were pulling the sides of his head in different directions.

His fingertips brushed over her face.

"This won't hurt a bit," he said.

---

Of course, there was a problem with this body.

Voldemort found that out rather quickly.

During his time at Hogwarts, in his second year, his Defense Against The Dark

Arts teacher had been a warlock named Professor Sour. His Ancient Runes teacher

went by Professor Hott. Hott's class came right before Sour's. Hott and Sour.

Anyway, Professor Sour suffered from terrible migraines. Sometimes, they were

so bad they made him hallucinate. He had learned that this was an actual medical

condition known as an aura. Before he knew that,though, he'd had hours of

entertainment watching Sour spurt glossolalic nonsense and convulse and beat his

head against his desk until the day he tried to chew off his own tongue.

This Janet Hoover woman had terrible pain in her head. He had mended Lucius and

Narcissa's bodies; they would probably be in shock for awhile, but that certainly

wasn't his fault. Even if it was his fault, he honestly didn't care. They could

be replaced. He wasn't sure Miss Hoover's pain could be assuaged so easily. Whatever

was wrong with her was deeply ensconced in her head.

As luck would have it, someone stormed into the building as he was walking

Hoover out. He was a little man with thick bifocals and curly black hair.

"Are you the receptionist?"

"She must've gone to the bathroom."

The little man fumed. "She better get back soon. I'm rich, I shouldn't have to

put up with this crap. You know, I went over to the regular hospital and they

told me I don't have any insurance, which isn't true. I have so much insurance,

they renamed the company after me. They told me I had to come over here-"

"And your name is?"

"Artie. Artie Ziff."

Voldemort smiled. He said,"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Ziff," and when

Ziff turned to look back at the entrance, he clamped her hand down on the top of

the rich man's head.