Like I've been saying,none of these characters belong to me...well,most of them

don't...sorry this chapter took so long...classes have begun again...I can't

believe I'm almost a college graduate...in addition to this,I've been working on

my novel and started THREE new short stories. One of them-"Graveyard Smash"-is going

to be ehhhxcellent. I just finished two others-the horribly titled "Carnival Of

The Stuffed Animals" and "Safe Driving." On a lighter note,SEX CRIMES is at the printers and should be out on Halloween. On with Chapter 42,the number of the Ultimate Answer.

42.

E.R.

Dumbledore found Harry in the dining room,along with Ron and Hermione and a number

of residents. It did his heart wonders to see Harry like that.

"Care for some liquefied Tater Tots?" Mr. Tallmadge asked.

Dumbledore took the bag. "How do they taste?"

"Like meat. Everything tastes that way lately."

"So the mashed vegetables taste like meat?" Hermione asked.

"They taste more like meat than the meat does. Even the coffee...it tastes

like liquid steak."

"But how long have these three been grilling you?"

"Eh,I don't mind," he said.

"I have one of my own. Who's the man hooked up to the respirator?"

"His name's Lucky. Been here forever. He's a mess...had colon cancer, an ileostomy,

multiple strokes...gone through a bunch of colostomy bags,too."

"So Lucky is just an insensitive nickname," Harry said.

"His real name is Kyle Quimby," someone else said. He had not aged well; he

was a decrepit,wrinkly-headed old man with a number of missing teeth.

"Isn't the mayor's name Quimby?" Hermione asked.

"Oh,yes. S'Joe Quimby's daddy," Jasper said.

"Mmmm," Dumbledore said. He leaned close to Harry. "How do you feel?"

"Okay," he said.

"Gave us quite a scare,kid," Mr. Tallmadge said.

----

Snape was about to re-enter the Principal's office when he heard the music.

He paused outside the music room.

A man was playing Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." The room was full of

musical instruments; the piano was a Steinway.

When the man finished, Snape walked in.

"You play well," Snape said.

He swiveled around on the bench, then grinned. "Well, the piano needs tuning,

but thanks. Dewey Largo." He offered his hand.

Snape just looked at it. "Severus Snape," he said.

"You a music lover, Snape?"

"Sometimes," Snape said. "Mr. Largo-"

"Call me Dewey. I get James Bond delusions every time someone somebody calls

me Mr. Largo."

Snape had heard of James Bond,but he had never bothered to read the books or

see the films. He let the comment pass. "Listen,I'm trying to find a specific

piece of music..."

"You've come to the right place. What is it?"

"A television show," Snape said. "You've heard of MACGYVER?"

----

Willy looked down at the cat.

It stared right back at him.

"I think I'll call yah Hairball," he said.

"Mrs. Norris,to you."

Willy looked up.

Euuugh, he thought. Usually,he had to be drunk for someone to be so ugly.

"Knew I'd run into you sooner or later," Filch said. He frowned.

"And what were ye plannin'?"

"Eh," Filch said. He held up a bottle of whiskey.

----

"How many people live here?" Hermione asked.

"I'd say thirty or forty people," Tallmadge said.

"At times,it...fluctuates," said a blue-haired woman.

"Does anyone have...powers?" Harry asked.

"Powers?" Jasper asked. "Y'mean,like levitatin' skirts with your mind?"

"I did that once," Abe said. "It was a guy,though. He slapped me."

------

"-aaaa da daaahhh,da dat daaah,here comes the good paaaart-"

Largo's hands flew over the keyboard.

-----

The door opened.

"Who are you?" Chalmers asked.

-----

"Of course," Cornelius said,"There's this one-"

He stopped talking, as if he were afraid to continue.

"Go on," Dumbledore said.

Cornelius Tallmadge swayed on his feet.

He collapsed against a table.

Several people gasped; a number of others started towards him.

He waved them off. "I'm all right," he said. "Could someone get me a

nitro pill?"

An orderly handed him a nitroglycerin pill. He swallowed it.

"I know pretty much everybody here," Tallmadge said. "We're

like a little family...some of us are quieter than others,but

they're visible,you know? Hazel, over there-"

He pointed to a woman with gray hair done up in a bun; she wore

steely eyeglasses. "Hazel, she's catatonic. Kyle Quimby can't even

breathe on his own. And then...there's the room at the end of the

East Wing."

"What about that room?"

"There's somebody in there," Mr. Tallmadge said. "Human...I s'pose."

----

"Professor McGonagall," Edna said.

"You know this woman,Edna?"

"She certainly does," McGonagall said.

A beautiful red bird had perched on her shoulder. In her arms,she carried a

happy-looking Maggie Simpson.

----

Harry looked down at the manifest.

ROOM 34:

E.R.

He handed the clipboard to Professor Dumbledore.

---

Willy slammed the shot glass onto the table. They had nearly gone through the

bottle. Neither he nor Filch were even close to being drunk.

---

Snape opened the door and walked in.

"Ah. Professor McGonagall."

"Severus," McGonagall said.

"Minerva," said Snape.

---

Dumbledore led them down the hallway.

As they passed room 25, Harry cried out.

Dumbledore was instantly at his side.

"Can you go on?"

"I have to," Harry said. "I have to see what's in there."

The boy's hands were shaking.

The three of them stood around him; the ancient wizard behind him, his friends

on either side.

They continued down the hall.

----

"Here," Snape said,offering the spoonful of Veritaserum to Skinner.

"What is that stuff?" Chalmers asked.

"Veritaserum," Snape said.

"Never heard of it. Seymour, don't take it."

"I assure you,it's perfectly safe," said Professor McGonagall.

"Don't do it, Skinner."

"Oh, come on, Dick-"

"DON'T call me DICK."

"Sorry. I forg-"

Snape shoved the spoon into Skinner's mouth. He swallowed the liquid.

McGonagall made a tctching sound.

"Ugh," he spluttered. "That was way beyond-"

"What is your name?"

Skinner's eyes closed halfway. In a dull,droning voice,he said. "Armand

Tamzarian."

Snape threw a questioning look at Edna Krabappel.

"That's his real name," she said. "Long story...and we're legally gagged."

----

They stopped outside 34.

"You okay,mate?" Ron asked.

"I'm fine," Harry said, teeth gritted.

"Does your scar hurt?" Hermione asked.

"It always hurts," Harry said.

"Does it?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yeah," Harry said.

"Well, let's sort this out, then," Ron said.

He started towards the door.

Dumbledore pulled him back.

---

"Armand...how did the idea of an exchange come about?"

"From Superintendant Chalmers," Skinner said.

Snape looked at Chalmers. He poured some more Veritaserum.

"I'm not taking any of that," he said.

Snape took one step forward.

He stepped on Chalmers's foot.

"Ow-"

Snape shoved the spoon into his mouth.

"Very tactful, Severus." McGonagall said.

He waited a moment.

"Now then. What's your name?"

"Richard Chalmers."

"How did you find Hogwarts?"

It was as if there was something inside Chalmers.

He tossed his head this way and that.

He turned to Edna Krabappel. She accepted the spoon and swallowed the Veritaserum.

"Tastes sweet," she said, and then her face went slack.

"Edna, someone has done something to your mind. Tell me,are you aware of this?"

"I can feel her in my head," Edna said. "She's inside them, too."

---

"What is it?" Ron asked.

"Maybe nothing," Dumbledore said.

He reached towards the door.

----

"Who is she?"

"I don't know," Edna said.

Fawkes began nibbling at Professor McGonagall's hair.

"Fawkes,PLEASE."

Fawkes sang into her ear

"Mr. Chalmers?" asked Professor McGonagall,after a moment.

"Yes," Chalmers said, slumped in his chair.

"Is there's someone inside your mind?"

"Yes," Chalmers said.

"How did she get there?"

Chalmers didn't answer.

"What's the last thing you remember,before she entered your mind?"

"Returning Agnes's wheelchair."

"Who's Agnes?" Snape asked.

"Armand Tamzarian's mother," Skinner said.

---

Nothing happened.

"I thought there might be protection," Dumbledore said.

He put his ear to the door.

"Sounds like a number of people," he said.

---

"Someone gave Mother a wheelchair," Skinner said. "She didn't need it. The

Superintendant happened to be visiting, and he offered to take it to the

Retirement Castle."

"Mr. Chalmers," Snape asked,"What happened when you went to the Retirement Castle?"

"I went in and told them I wanted to donate a wheelchair," Chalmers said. "They

said thank you,and asked me to wait because they had some forms I had to fill out...

so I waited...it was really quiet...and then I heard this...singing-"

---

"What is it,Professor?" Hermione asked.

"Can't you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"Someone is singing in there."

----

"-it was the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard...and I went down the hallway,

past elderly residents sleeping, or watching television...there were a few

sleeping in front of the television. I found the room. I went in...it was

totally dark,except for the window. There were curtains. There's a word...sleek,

sheer..."

"Diaphanous," Minerva said.

"Yes. Diaphanous,blowing around in the wind. Beyond that,the outside-"

"Could you still hear the music?"

"In my head," Chalmers said,

----

The door swung open.

Light spilled into the dark room.

Darkness spilled into the hallway.

---

"-and I went to the window. I had this urge to...I don't know...break it. Cut

myself with a shard of glass. I can't explain it. And then I heard movement

behind me in the dark. I turned and there was this woman in the bed against the

wall and she-oh GOD-"

"What did she do?" Snape asked.

"I'm there again," Chalmers whispered-he shut his eyes. "I can still see her,she's

getting out of the BED-"

---

Something moved in the darkness.

Dumbledore gathered the children behind him.

He pointed his wand into the room.

---

"What do you SEE?"

Chalmers was sweating now-"She's saying things I don't understand and now she's on

TOP of me and and and her eyes are GLOWING oh my GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD-"

Chalmers let out a shriek of terror.

----

She emerged from the darkness.

Dumbledore kept his composure,for the sake of the children.

"I know who you are," the woman said.

---

"What is your name?"

Chalmers's eyes had rolled back in his head.

A voice not his own spoke.

"My name is..."

Edna opened her mouth.

"Eleanor..."

Skinner swayed.

"Riddle..." he groaned.

---

Harry stared at the woman,who had just fainted onto the floor.

"It's his mother,isn't it?"

Dumbledore looked down at Harry. "She has-"

"-his eyes," Harry said. "But...but she's DEAD."

"Harry," Dumbledore said,"You were told she was dead by Voldemort."

"Exactly," Harry said.

"Consider the source," said Dumbledore.

"This is Voldemort's mother?" Hermione asked.

"It certainly is."

"What the bloody hell's she doing here?" Ron asked.

-----

Chalmers cackled.

"So you're Severus Snape," he (he?) said. "The thoughts my Tom thinks about you-"

"But you're dead," Snape said. Minerva had never seen him look so shocked.

"No," Chalmers said.

"I'm not," she said,out of Edna's mouth.

"Ask Homer Simpson about his mother," Skinner said.

"He knows," Chalmers said.

"I know he knows..."

"I hear every thought, every word uttered by everyone in this town...I

know that little baby Maggie nearly killed a man..."

Maggie narrowed her eyes,and sucked on her pacifier.

---

"This is why we're really here," Harry said, on the verge of shouting. "You

could have TOLD-"

"Harry, I didn't know," Dumbledore said. "Remember,they contacted us."

Harry stared hard at him for a moment. His expression softened.

He looked at his feet.

"Sorry," he said.

Dumbledore took him by the shoulders. "No apologies necessary, Harry. It seems we've

walked into a carefully laid trap meant for Voldemort."

"Voldemort?"

"He is her only blood tie to our world. The reverse is also true. In luring

him to Springfield, she has also ensnared us."

----

"It makes sense now," Snape said. "She got inside the Superintendent. He

contacted Fudge and proposed the exchange...but why would Fudge-"

"Why does Fudge do anything?" Minerva asked.

Chalmers, Krabappel and Skinner laughed as one.

"The story doesn't end there. Here,talk to Seymour. Or Armand. I can't decide

which name I prefer."

Skinner's eyes widened for a moment, and then settled down.

"What's your name?" Snape asked.

"I already told you. Armand Tamzarian."

"Armand,did Superintendant Chalmers come back from the Retirement Castle?"

"Yeah," Skinner said. "He did."

"What happened when he did?"

"He came back to tell Mother."

Everyone except Snape held their breath.

"Did he come in contact with your mother?"

"No," Skinner said. "Just me."

Mass exhalation ensued.

"Mother went out to her support group-"

"What support group is this?"

"Parents of Failures," Skinner said. "I was the only one home. Superintendent

Chalmers knocked on the door. I opened the door. He had this grin on his face...

he never smiles when I'm around. It was strange. And then I asked him "Are you

all right,Dick?" and then he told me his name wasn't Dick anymore and...and he-

his eyes started...shimmering. You know,like when you look into the distance on

a hot day-"

"-and the heat rises up from the road," Snape said. "Go on."

"...and after a second,I could feel what I saw in his eyes inside me."

"What did it feel like?"

"Heat," he said. "Wave after wave of heat,coursing through me."

"How did she get inside Edna Krabappel?"

"Later that night," Skinner said. "When we-"

Edna snickered. "I got inside her right after he did."

"But there's more," Chalmers said. "If you want to hear it."

"Every word," Snape said.

"Take it,Edna," Skinner said.

Then Mrs. Krabappel sucked in a breath,before her face relaxed.

"It was late," she said. "I woke up and the moon was high in the sky, and

Seymour and I were in bed...he was sound asleep,holding me tight...I could

hear a train whistle in the distance, the windows were open. It was warm

that night...it was so warm, I got thirsty. So I untangled myself from

Seymour and the sheets...went downstairs in the dark...moonlight shone

through the kitchen window. I poured myself a glass of orange juice. Without

pulp. I can't understand why anyone buys the stuff with pulp. If I want pulp,

I'll eat an orange-"

"Focus,Edna," Professor McGonagall said.

"Right,yeah...I finished the glass,and put it down on the counter. It was then

that I looked out the window...I saw somebody standing in the back yard. I don't

know what they looked like...whoever it was was wearing a hooded cloak. As I

watched, the figure disappeared and reappeared right next to me in the kitchen."

He pointed something at me-a long,pointed stick-"

Snape held up his wand. "Like this?"

"Yeah,like that...he pointed it at me and said something I didn't understand-

it was like, sombalombo or something like that..."

"Somnambula?"

"I guess," she said.

Snape turned to Professor McGonagall.

"A sleeping spell," she said.

"Right," he said.

He turned back to Krabappel.

"What happened when you woke up?"

"I woke up...in a dark place...I couldn't see any walls or floor...There was

just black all around, except for a bright light above me...I looked to the

left...Seymour was restrained in a chair beside me. The straps were around

his neck and his hands...they were strong as iron. Superindentant Chalmers was in the

same situation on my other side. I looked back at Seymour and called his name. He

turned to look at me and started to say something and then the light got brighter,

overwhelmingly bright. There were shadows in the light...and they unstrapped

Seymour. They dragged him away yelling about not wanting to be anally probed.

I sat there for a moment...it was quiet in there. But I knew we weren't alone.

"Hello?" I called. "Anyone there?"

"Quiet," said someone,somewhere in the darkness.

"Why is this happening?" I asked.

"Shhhhh."

"My name's Edna," I said. "What's your name?"

"There was a long silence. Silence can be an effective torture.

Then,finally:

"Timothy."

"Timothy," I said. "Where am I?"

"Don't worry," he said. "Everything will be-"

A rectangular light appeared in the dark. A doorway. A figure appeared

in the doorway. It was just a short,fat shadow.

"DAWLISH-"

I heard Timothy gasp. He ran towards the doorway and then disappeared.

But there was somebody ELSE watching me.

Before I could say anything, he came out of the darkness,blocking the light.

He was just a kid.

"Hi," I said,and I actually smiled. "Could you loosen these things?"

"You won't be in them long."

"Oh. Great. Well,kid,I guess we won't be shaking hands."

"My name is Percy."

"What?"

"Not 'kid.'"

"Oh. Edna Krabappel."

"Percy Weasley. You won't remember my name in a while,so-"

Snape interrupted her.

"Wait a moment. Are you sure he said his name was Percy Weasley?"

"Yes," she said.

"Percy Weasley," Professor McGonagall echoed.

"Did you know...Seymour was in the war?" echoed thrice. Actually, Skinner said "I."

Snape waved his hand in their faces.

"'-there's no harm in me telling you,' he said. And then he came closer...you

know him, I guess,so there's no point in me describing him. He put a cup to my

lips,tilted it and said "Drink this." He didn't really give me a choice...after

I drank the stuff,I started feeling sleepy..."

"Sleeping draught," Snape told them.

"Of course," McGonagall said.

"-woke up,Seymour was back in the chair and he was arguing with this little

man. "It didn't work," my husband was yelling. "I haven't forgotten a thing,

least of all your name, and if I weren't strapped into this thing, I'd kick

your-"

"OBLIVIATE-"

A beam of light shot out of his wand and hit Seymour.

For a second,they just stared at each other. You could feel the air between

them heating up.

"Didn't work," Seymour said.

"Bloody HELL," said the little man.

"I still know your name and you'll never shut me up-"

and Skinner began bouncing up and down in his chair, yelling-

-"CORNELIUS FUDGE-"

"Did you know-"

-"FUDGE CORNELIUS FUDGE CORNELIUS FUDGE COR-"

"SILENCE!" Snape bellowed.

A deep silence came over the room.

"Now," said Snape. "What happened next?"

"He told Seymour to shut up and raised his arm,like he was going to hit him. As

his hand swung down, Seymour's eyes lit up and this mass of energy shot out of

his eyes into Fudge's. Percy came forward and the same thing happened to him, and

Dawlish and a few other people I didn't know...and then,I don't know...I woke

up at home, in bed,next to Seymour. I don't know what happened to Superintendant

Chalmers...guess he woke up at home,too...that's all there is to tell,really.

I guess he contacted Fudge,and since she's inside Fudge, he agreed to the

exchange as a way to hasten a reunion with her only child-"

"Come to think of it...where IS Fudge?" Minerva asked.



"The Ministry Of Magic," Snape said. "Pardon me,Minerva,but I think it's

safe to say the shit's hit the fan..." He stood up and opened the door. "This

situation cannot possibly get ANY worse-"

Selma was leaning against the wall in the hallway.

She smirked when she saw him.

"I stand corrected," Snape said.

Then, behind him-

"Severus."

He whirled, and his cape gave its most dramatic swirl yet.

For someone so old, the Headmaster had a steady, confident stride. Potter and

his blasted friends were with him, as well as a woman who looked familiar,and

then he realized that she was the Dark Lord's mother.

"Sir," he said. "I have unearthed some rather serious information. I-"

The door to the Principal's Office burst open.

Skinner looked frantic.

"We've got to stop the exchange-"

He stopped speaking when he saw the group.

"Oh, great, you're here."

"Indeed we are," Dumbledore said.

"Someone's on the phone," Skinner said. Says his name's Tom?"

"Voldemort," Potter said.

"He's asking to speak to one of you."

"Oh, I'll talk to him," Harry said.

"Potter-" said Snape.

Potter turned.

"Yes?"

For once, Snape couldn't think of anything to say.

Harry went into the office.

"Mrs. Krabappel," he said. "Hi."

Mrs. Krabappel looked as if she had just woken from a terrible nightmare. The

guy next to her was asleep.

"I know you," she said. "Your name is Harry."

"That's right," Harry said.

"I knew it."

He picked up the reciever.

"Do you mind? It's for me."

"Go ahead," she said.

Harry put the reciever to his ear. He was aware of everyone

filing into the office.

"Someone's there," said the voice on the other end.

"Hello, Lord Thingy," said Harry.

Dumbledore stifled a laugh.

He could just hear the bastard gnashing his teeth.

"Potter, put Dumbledore on."

"Not just yet."

"PUT...DUMBLEDORE...ON."

Harry's scar throbbed. He swayed. The wall kept him up.

"I'll take it, Harry," said Dumbledore.

Gently, he took the reciever from Harry.

"Tom? Are you there?"

"I'm here."

"Ah, hello, Tom. Figured out what's worse than death yet?"

"How about the stench of rotting internal organs that pop out

unexpectedly after your flesh rots right off the bone?"

"Really, Tom, you ought to write children's books."

There was a long silence on the other end.

"I hate you," broke the silence. "I hate this town even more than I hate you,

and I hate you more than I've ever hated anything."

"Except, as you said, this town."

"Well,everyone's INSANE-"

"There's no need to shout."

"I'd leave, but that boy is too valuable."

"I know the real reason you haven't left, Tom."

"Oh, do you really?"

"I know you, Tom. You don't like to think that I do, but it's true. I know

anger is the most intense emotion you can feel, because you have no idea how

to love."

"Dumbledore, spare me-"

"-I know you came to this town searching for something. You couldn't quite figure

out what that was, not even Ralph. You were lucky to find Ralph Wiggum and when you

did you complicated things with all these meaningless diversions to prolong your

business here,because you could feel something beckoning to you on some subconscious

level. Don't you see,Tom? You're consumed with this town-you found Ralph Wiggum, but

you could have taken him at any time. I know you're searching for something-"

Another long silence.

"You know what it is?"

"I know," Dumbledore said.

"Wh-what is it?"

"Your mother, Tom."

"My mother is dead, Dumbledore."

"No," Dumbledore said. "Your mother is alive She has been calling you back to her."

"My MOTHER is DEAD,Dumbledore,STOP TRYING TO-"

"Tom?" asked a voice from the past."Tom, is that you?"

I was a baby, he thought. I shouldn't remember her voice.

"...mother?"

"Yes, Tom...it's me."

The body Voldemort was using had a massive heart attack.

"Oh,Tom...I've seen everything...in my head...Tom, I know an apology

would just make you angry,but...look, your father's gone. I just want us

to be a family ag-"

"Mother?"

"Me again," Dumbledore said.

"That can't be my mother."

"Oh, it is. And you know,Tom...I should hate to think what would happen to her,

should she be,er...removed...from from the safety of her environment."

"You're...KIDNAPPING my MOTHER?"

Voldemort heard the phone change hands.

"How does it feel?"

"Potter...my God,Potter. Did I abduct YOUR mother?"

"I'm not even going to answer that. Besides, you shouldn't think of this as

a kidnapping...we're just going to...show her a good time."

"You little bastard."

Potter just laughed.

"What do you want?"

"You don't have any right to ask me what I want, you sick,demented PRICK."

Harry slammed the phone down.

"Excuse me," he told Dumbledore.

Dumbledore tapped the side of his own head.

"Deaf," he said.