44.
It Ate Eeeverybody
Hagrid peeled a sliver away from the block of wood. He had been at it for awhile,
and wasn't quite paying as much attention as he should have. He had cut his thumb
open, and barely noticed that. His pain was nothing compared to what Harry must have
been feeling in his head. There was really nothing he could do to ease Harry's pain,
and it made him feel small. Beside him, Fang lay asleep.
Wiggum opened his eyes. He pulled away from his wife and Ralph. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," Hagrid said.
"What are you making?"
"A flute. I ain't concentratin',though."
The door opened. Wiggum recognized the old man.
"Ah, Chief," he said. "You're awake."
"What happened last night?" he asked.
"I'm sure you have a hundred questions," Dumbledore said. "Please be patient."
Wiggum nodded.
"Hagrid," Dumbledore said, "Harry's asking for you."
Without question, he followed Dumbledore outside.
"What's goin' on?" he asked.
"Things look very grave,Hagrid." Dumbledore said. "We've tried to get through to
the Ministry, to no avail. Portkeys just bounce back here, and the Floo Network
doesn't work either. All communications have been severed."
Harry was lying on a nearby bench, curled up like a baby, cradling Fawkes. McGonagall
and Sprout were sitting with him, and they looked like lionesses.
Hermione and Ron were on his other side, and Arthur Weasley was also sitting nearby.
He looks like one of his kids just died, Hagrid thought, and then he connected the
Ministry with Percy.
"Hey, Hagrid," Harry said.
He sat down beside Sprout, and took Harry's hand.
"What d'yeh need, Harry?"
"Just...stay with me,Hagrid." Harry said.
"Right," Hagrid said.
He looked around.
"Where's Mrs. Riddle?"
"Professor Snape is watching her."
"And that Selma woman's watching him," Professor McGonagall said.
"She likes him, doesn't she?" Harry asked.
"And the feeling's mutual," Professor Sprout said.
"It had to happen sometime," Ron said.
Harry looked up at Dumbledore. "Sir-"
"What is it, Harry?"
"Remember, I told you Voldemort was angry?"
"He's not angry now?"
"He's furious. But now...he's happy,too. His thoughts are..."
He closed his eyes.
Hermione said "Harry-"
"Don't press him, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said.
Harry opened his eyes. "Ehhxcellent..." he whispered.
-and then he could hear the other man's every thought and it spread back from
him until he could hear the thoughts of everyone in town including the people
around him, a dense knot of languages and he screamed and-
-opened his eyes. His clothes were soaked through with sweat.
"Harry?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry had to take a breath. "I could hear his thoughts," he said. "What happened?"
"You had a seizure," Dumbledore said. "You don't remember?"
"No."
"We kept yeh comfterble," Hagrid said. "Professor Dumbledore blocked yer
tongue with a spoon."
"My mother had epileptic seizures all the time," Sprout said. "It's nothing to
be ashamed of, Harry. You don't mind if I call you Harry instead of 'Mr. Potter'
right now, do you?"
"I don't mind. Is Fawkes all right?"
"Fawkes is fine," Dumbledore said.
"Whose thoughts could you hear?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"Voldemort's contact. And then it spread."
"Voldemort's found his Springfield contact?" Dumbledore asked.
"He's inside him now...Burns. Mr. Burns, that's his name."
Just as he said this, a car screeched to a halt by the curb.
Mrs. Simpson and Mrs. Weasley emerged from the car, trying to run and scream at
the crowd.
"Voldemort found his contact," Mrs. Weasley said, out of breath. Mr. Weasley
went to her and wrapped his arms around her.
"It's Mr. Burns," Marge Simpson said. "He owns the nuclear power plant."
"Gotta...stop him," Harry said.
He sat up.
Hagrid kept his hands on Harry's shoulders,but he knew Harry was right.
"Hagrid, please let me go."
Hagrid felt his hands slide away from Harry, as if they were numb.
He swung his legs over the edge of the bench.
Mrs. Weasley steadied him as he stood up.
She let go, and his legs gave way.
She caught him just in time, and sat him down.
"You don't have to do this," she said, her hand at his forehead.
He looked her straight in the eyes.
"I'm the only one who can," he said.
She touched his cheek.
"Help me," Harry said.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Well," he looked embarrassed. "The bathroom-"
"Say no more," she said.
Another lioness, Hagrid thought, as Mrs. Weasley slung one of Harry's arms around
her neck. "Ready?"
"Ready."
She and Harry traveled across the lawn, into the school.
"What's he talking about?" Marge asked.
"Harry is the only one who can kill Voldemort," Dumbledore said.
"He is?"
"Blimey. Why's that?" Ron asked.
"That is for Harry to tell you," Dumbledore said.
"I'm going with him," Ron said.
"Ron-" Mr. Weasley began.
"No, Dad, I'm going. For Harry. Hermione, you're coming too, right?"
"Of course-" She raised her eyebrows.
Selma was standing at the head of the table now.
"You're Hermione, right?"
"Right."
"What do you think of Professor Snape?"
Hermione looked at Dumbledore.
"Tell the truth, Miss Granger."
Hermione turned to Selma.
"I don't think I should answer. If he finds out I told you, he'll take points
away from our House-"
"He will?"
"Yes, he will."
"He won't find out you told me."
"In that case..." Hermione thought a moment. "He's the worst person I've ever met."
Professor McGonagall suddenly turned away and covered her face.
"I second that," Ron said.
"Not your favorite teacher,huh?"
"Are you thinking of asking him out on a date?" Ron asked.
"I'm thinking of a lot more than that."
Ron looked ready to vomit slugs again.
"Well," Sprout said, "Good luck to you, I say."
"Thanks," Selma said. After a moment, she said,"I had to get away from that old lady.
The things she said creeped me out."
"What did she say?" Dumbledore asked.
"Personal things," Selma said. "Severus told her to stop. Really, she's a sweet
old lady, but there's something about her...it's like she can't help it..."
"I should check on them," Dumbledore said. Then he got up from the table and
left the group. Selma followed him.
Harry emerged from the back doors. Surprisingly, no one was helping him walk.
Mrs. Weasley stood behind him, and beside her: Alastor Moody. Harry,in front of
them, took staggering steps while Moody coached him.
"Left foot...there ya go...right foot...excellent, Potter..."
Harry leaned against the picnic table. He looked like he'd just run a race.
Moody flashed a rakish grin, and then Disapparated.
"Mrs. Simpson," Harry said, "Could I trouble you for a ride?"
"Where would you like to go?"
"The power plant," Harry said.
"We're coming," Hermione said.
"Well...all right. But only because-"
"What is it?"
"Homer," she said. "We have to save him."
"Fine," Harry said. "Guys, you can come for the ride."
Hermione and Ron took off running towards Mrs. Simpson's car. Mrs. Simpson followed.
Harry turned.
Then he realized something. This might be the last time-
He didn't want to cry, but a tear escaped. He wiped it away.
"Well," he said. "I have to go. I don't know if I'm coming back. I just-" He
looked from the people with him at the table-Hagrid, McGonagall, Sprout, and the
Weasleys.
They looked just as sad as he did. "There's really nothing
I can say to express my gratitude," he said. "All of you...you're-"
He turned just in time to be swept into Hagrid's embrace.
"Don't forget me," Harry said,into Hagrid's ear. "Hagrid,I-"
"I know, Harry, I know yeh do. Yeh'd be impossible t'forget. I know it
sounds corny, but I think of yeh as part o'my family. Son I never had, yeh know?"
He kissed the top of Harry's head, knowing that if there were any way he
could have bore Harry's burden, he gladly would have.
"Kick his arse," he told Harry. "He owes me money, yeh know."
Reluctantly, he let go.
Harry turned to Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout.
"Potter, if you think I'm going to allow us to succumb to sentimental...oh,
forget it. Come here." and he was very surprised when she kissed him on the cheek.
Behind him, Professor Sprout tried to get her arms around them both. "Come back,
Potter," she said.
McGonagall was smiling when she let him go.
She took his hand.
"You can do this, Potter. I know you can," she said. "I know YOU."
"Thank you."
Then, there were Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.
"Come on, Harry," said Mr. Weasley.
"We'll walk you to the car," said Mrs. Weasley.
The car seemed so far away.
At least it felt that way. Harry felt that this was what his own parents would
have done. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, on either side of him, held his hand.
"Harry?"
"Yes, Mrs. Weasley?"
"I don't want to think you're not coming back to us. So could I just ask you if
you would consider...well, if you'd consider staying with us instead of those
people-"
"Let me think about it," Harry said, laughing weakly. "Yes. I'd like that. Have
you discussed it with Dumbledore?"
"I've had many discussions with him about you-"
"Potter."
Snape practically spat it out.
"Excuse me," Harry said. He looked up at the Weasleys. Mrs. Weasley gave him
one last hug and Mr. Weasley squeezed his shoulder. It gave him strength.
He turned from them.
He stopped a ways from Snape. Like Filch, Snape was best viewed from far away.
"What do you want, sir?"
"Since this is hopefully the last time I'll ever see you, I just wanted to
say something before it was too late."
"I'll probably forget it in ten minutes anyway."
Snape looked as if he were counting to ten in his head.
"Potter, I seriously doubt-"
"Sirius?"
"I seriously doubt you can kill the Dark Lord-"
"Yeah...well, since this is the probably the last time I'll ever see you...sir...
I'd just like to say that I've stopped caring what you think about me."
"Are you saying that you did care?"
"Before the very first Potions class. I was scared to death. I didn't know anything
about our world. My other teachers made me feel welcome, and then...fame isn't all
it's cracked up to be, is it? That's what you said, without the slightest inclination
that I didn't know. I'm amazed you haven't told me to shut my mouth yet. Or said
something about my father."
"Potter-"
"One day, there's not going to be anyone left for you to hate, Professor. On that
day, I hope you're prepared."
"If that day ever comes," Snape said.
"My father's dead. You're fighting a dead man."
"You have no idea what I'm fighting, Potter."
"I don't want to know. What did you want to say?"
"Right now, I'd like to give you an eternity's detention."
Harry put up his hands. It took effort. "All right,c'mon...just say what you
have to say."
"All I have to say is this: Kill him, Potter. I don't think you can do it, but I'm a
lifelong pessimist. I know you. Despite my best efforts, you have managed to
rise above everything I've thrown at you. So do us both a favor and destroy him."
"You'd be free of him if he dies, right?"
"Yes," Snape said. "I must go now. Besides,there's one more who'd like a word."
Snape swept away, and Harry saw that one more person by the front doors of the
school.
Dumbledore.
It didn't matter how far he had to walk.
Harry closed the distance between them.
"Now you know why I'm hardly ever around at this point," he said, looking as old as
Harry had ever seen him.
"Usually, nobody is," Harry said.
Dumbledore smiled.
"I don't want to do this," Harry said, "But I'm the only one who can."
Dumbledore closed his eyes, and nodded.
He doesn't want me to go, Harry thought.
"I remember you said something..." Harry said. "About choosing between what's
right and what's easy...sir, it applies to you, too, doesn't it?"
"Yes, Harry, it does."
"Sir-I just...thank you. For everything."
"I should be the one thanking you."
Harry touched his arm.
Dumbledore pulled Harry to him.
"Just think of the people who love you," he said. "Think of home, of family. And
here-" he handed Harry a bag of lemon drops. "For the journey."
Harry took them.
"You've made me so proud," said Dumbledore. "I can't tell you how much."
"Goodbye, sir. There's still some things I don't know, but there's no time to ask.
If I don't come back...bury me with my family."
Dumbledore's eyes shuddered. But he bowed his head, and nodded.
"Bye."
Harry turned from him, and staggered over to the car. Hermione opened the door.
Ron helped him get inside.
------
Bart sat across from a kid named Draco Malfoy in Defense Against The Dark Arts,
and he got the impression that Draco couldn't care less about defending himself
against the things they were studying. This class was for defending yourself against
people like Draco. He was a nasty kid who would have been beaten up every day if he
attended Springfield Elementary. Dolph, Jimbo, Kearney and Nelson would have been
holding him upside-down in the toilet, catching anything that just happened to fall
out of his pockets every single day.
"Simpson," Malfoy hissed.
"What is it?" Bart asked.
"You read the homework, right?"
"We had homework?"
"Of course we had homework. Simpson, you're lucky McGonagall isn't teaching this
week. You'd be buried under a pile of parchment so large, no one would ever find
you. Then again, you're one of hers."
"One of her what?"
"She's head of bloody Gryffindor."
"Oh yeah," Bart said. "What was the homework, again?"
"The section on Joachim Kroll."
"Oh. Well,yeah, I did read it. I've never had a teacher who made us study
about serial killers and homicidal maniacs before, is all." He looked down
at the class text, a big red book called HUNTING HUMANS.
"You did have Defense classes in Bonerland, right?"
"BonerVILLE."
"Whatever," he smirked. "You know, there's a town in Ohio called River Styx?"
"I didn't know that."
"Well, Chillinger knows what he's doing. I don't agree with the Headmaster on
many things. Bloody fool if you ask me. But learning to recognize behavioral
patterns and studying these people was a good idea. You weren't here when we
learned about Jeffrey Dahmer or Jack The Ripper. He even taught us self-defense,
on land and underwater."
The classroom door opened. "Class," Professor Chillinger said, as the three
of him came into the room. "I'm not prepared," whispered the one bringing up
the rear-"I can't DO this-"
Sometimes, Bart had trouble paying attention to Mrs. Krabappel. Having to
focus on three teachers at once, even if they were technically the same person,
felt like an impossible task. Fortunately, the other kids in the class just
let him talk. Joachim Kroll was a very evil, unsavory guy from Germany who
sliced men, women and children up without remorse. He had cannibalistic tendencies.
His picture in the book made Bart think of what Hans Moleman's Bizarroworld
counterpart would look like.
"-neighbor asked him about the clog in his toilet-"
A spirit floated through the wall.
Bart had met Nearly Headless Nick, and had at least seen most of the Hogwarts ghosts.
He hadn't talked to Professor Binns; he sat in the back of History Of Magic, and
Binns barely knew he was there.
"Ah," Professor Chillinger said. "Professor Binns. To what do we owe this
unexpected visit?"
"Oh...er..." He stared at Chillinger as if he'd never seen him before.
"Maybe you'll remember later," another one of the Chillingers said. "Maybe."
Binns descended through the floor.
"Right," Chillinger said. "Let that be a lesson to you, class. This is Defense
Against the Dark Arts. Not dead old farts."
The class laughed.
"Now...what did Kroll say...Mr. Simpson?"
Bart snapped his head up. "Oh. Uh..."
"Guts," breathed several voices behind him.
"Guts," Bart said. By now, he was sure the other kids knew he was a fake.
"Very good, Simpson. For some bonus points, do you remember the specific
innards with which Mr. Kroll's toilet was clogged?"
"You mean, whose were they?"
"Exactly."
"I dunno," Bart said.
"They were-"
The bell rang.
"Oh, well, we'll find out next time," Chillinger said. "Mr. Malfoy, could I see you,
please?"
"Catch you later," Bart said.
"They'll never catch me," Draco said.
Bart laughed, and left.
Draco could not help but wonder...had he just made a friend in Gryffindor?
"I see you and Simpson are getting on," Chillinger said.
One of the other Chillingers put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"You said 'getting it on'."
"No," Chillinger said, with extreme patience. "That's not what I said. Don't make
me lock you in the wardrobe again."
"There's a monster in the wardrobe," the other Chillinger said.
"Is there really?" Draco asked.
"A boggart, I think."
"A boggart?" The Chillinger trembled.
"A boggart, that's all, Malfoy." Chillinger smiled. "I named him Floyd."
"Floyd?"
"I was going to call him Humphrey, but he didn't like that."
"Why did you want to talk to me, sir? Did I not turn something in?"
"No, Mr. Malfoy. Your work is exemplary. Only one detention in six years. Oh,
but of course, that reprimand from the Ministry last year for being on Dolores
Umbridge's toady squad-"
"They were just saving face," Draco said.
"I'm sure that's what Dolores Umbridge would say. If she weren't dead, of course."
"She's dead?" Draco asked. "When did that happen?"
"Over the summer," Chillinger said. "She was caught in a drive-by shooting. I
believe it was a gang called the Bloods."
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "My prefect badge was taken away. I'll live."
Chillinger shook his head. "Not as you did. People are watching you, Malfoy.
People know there's a wolf underneath that ragged sheep's carcass you wear."
"A snake,you mean."
"A snake in sheep's clothing, yes. I have been watching you. Learning about you.
I know what you tried to do to Rubeus Hagrid. I know about Buckbeak. Until that
reprimand, there were no behavioral blemishes on your record, except for one
detention in your first year. You're careful. I know you're on a path into darkness
you only think you can comprehend. What I wanted to talk to you about is Harry
Potter."
Draco rolled his eyes.
"You know how many kids grew up hearing about Harry Potter? My entire generation.
And believe me, we all wanted to be Harry Potter's friend. I wanted to be Potter's
friend-"
"Yes, Malfoy, I've heard all about your people skills."
"What about Potter?" Malfoy asked,suddenly cranky.
"Draco, are you familiar with Nietzche?"
"Professor Snape's recommended him a few times. Him and Machiavelli."
"He."
"What?"
"HE and Machiavelli."
Draco slumped in his chair.
----
"Is he gone?" Minerva asked.
Dumbledore took his eyes from the road.
"He is," Dumbledore said. "Minerva, there's so many things I didn't tell him-"
They exchanged handkerchiefs.
"We must be strong," Minerva said.
"He's my strength," Dumbledore said. "...as are you. As you have always been."
"I'm so lucky," she said,kissing his cheek; he kissed her; for a moment, they were
one, like an ancient sculpture...missing a piece.
-----
Hagrid burst into tears the second Harry was gone.
"Yeh know I love 'im, don't yeh?"
Addie nodded. "I know, Hagrid." She stood beside him, wiping his eyes dry, which
was hard, because he was sobbing so; she could have killed an army of slugs with
the salt from his tears. "Of course I know," she said. She usually tried to distance
herself from her students, except when they needed help. Harry,though, Harry had such
a sweet concern for life, almost as acute as Neville Longbottom's. There would always
be an intangible bond between them, terrible though it was, as he had brought
Cedric Diggory's body back from their abduction by Voldemort. Last year, she
had read the interview he'd given about that night, and it had moved her to tears.
"E's the reason I gave up drinkin'...well, most drinkin'...yeh didn't know me
when I was hittin' the bottle."
"And Harry made you stop."
"'E made me wanna stop. I remembered the bleedin' Muggles 'e lives with,
and I wanted ta be different. I wanted ta be like 'is own father, an' now...Addie,
I feel like I'm 'bout ta lose m'own son."
Hagrid looked at her.
"Everyone I love is gonna die."
-----
"Can I ask a question?" Marge asked. "Why is Harry the only one who can kill...
whatsisname?"
"Voldemort," Hermione said.
Ron winced. She hit him.
"You'd have to ask Harry," she said.
"How is he?"
"He looks awful," Hermione said.
"I'm fine," Harry announced.
"You're burning up, Harry."
"It's my scar," Harry said. "Are we close to the plant?"
"Getting closer by the second," Marge said.
"The prophecy," Harry said.
"What-"
----
"-about Potter?" Draco asked.
"Are you familiar with the Nietzchean concept of the Superman?"
Draco smirked. "Are you saying that Potter fits Nietszche's ideal of a Superman?"
"Such people are exceptional and should not be expected to be chained by society's
every little rule."
"Nietzche never said that. You're getting him confused with-I don't remember her
name, but-"
"You are holding Potter back, Malfoy. Not in a terribly serious way. More like
a malfunctioning broom, or a faulty Bludger...or a mosquito, bereft of stinger.
Well, my boy-"
the other two Chillingers left the original, and moved behind Draco. He couldn't
see what they were doing.
"-mosquitoes usually get squashed."
Suddenly, one of the Chillingers reached around Draco and pulled his arms around
the back of the chair. Draco cried out in surprise, and had no time to suck a
breath of air before the bag closed over his head.
----
Wiggum handed Mrs. Riddle his backup piece.
"Just in case," he said.
"A gun?" she asked. "I don't-"
"You might need it," he said.
"All right," she said.
He smiled. "Great. Now I'm not so worried."
---
"-The prophecy is about me," Harry said.
"Seriously?" Ron asked.
"Either I kill Voldemort or he'll kill me."
He repeated the prophecy to them. It had practically been burnt into his brain.
"That's the prophecy?" Hermione asked.
"It was made by Professor Trelawney," Harry said. "There are two people
it could have been about...either me or Neville. Voldemort marked me, so
I'm the one who-"
"Maybe Trelawney was wrong," Ron said. "In fact, she probably WAS wrong. And
how is Neville-"
"We have the same birthday," Harry said. "July thirty-first."
There was a moment of silence.
"There are things I don't know," he said.
"What things?" Hermione asked.
"The room," Harry said. "The room we couldn't get into. Dumbledore told me
it's always kept locked and what's inside is..." he tried to remember. "'More
terrible than death, and..." Nausea swept over him. "Oh, GOD. Stop the car."
Mrs. Simpson stopped in the middle of an intersection. Harry opened his door
and let loose a torrential jet of emesis.
----
"So," Selma said, "You can read my mind?"
"Oh, dear, like a book." Mrs. Riddle smiled. "Yours is especially raunchy."
"Are you still here?" Snape asked.
Selma grinned at him.
"Sure," she said.
He scowled.
"What is it?"
"I'd deeply appreciate it if you'd leave."
"I'd like to stay here."
"I wouldn't advise it."
"Are you going to make me leave?"
"I-"
"What'll you do, take POINTS from my HOUSE?"
He gave her a look of utter hatred.
----
Draco stopped thrashing.
"Hrmmmf hrmff mhrfff grffff-"
Chillinger took the bag off his head.
"Sir, what the bloody hell are you doing?"
Chillinger looked up at the other two of him.
"You IDIOTS. This is a PAPER bag."
"You wanted plastic?"
"I KNEW I should've gotten plastic."
"Relax," he said. "I knew this would happen."
"My FATHER-"
"Oh, your father," said Chillinger, and slipped the plastic bag over Draco's head.
-----
"A room full of love?" Marge asked.
"Dumbledore told me, years ago," Harry said. "Voldemort doesn't understand love,
and that's how I got him out of me last year...I thought about Sirius..."
"Sirius?"
"My godfather," Harry said. "He's dead. He was killed."
Harry thought for a second.
"He couldn't stand being in my body or my mind while I was feeling such strong
emotion. I...practiced all summer, thinking about...everyone...you guys. Dumbledore-"
He stopped again.
"Dumbledore told me he loved me yesterday."
"I could have told you THAT," Hermione said.
"Huh?"
"An idiot could see how much he loves you. Whenever you've been flat on your
back,unconscious in the infirmary, who do you think is the first one at your
side? He worries about you as if he were-" She stopped. "Harry?"
Harry's eyes had rolled back into his head.
-----
It didn't take long for Draco Malfoy to suffocate.
"Oh, I think he's DEAD," said Chillinger's id.
"He looks dead," said his ego.
"He IS dead," said Chillinger. He supposed he was the superego. Sometimes it
was difficult to tell what exactly that witch had intended.
"Where are we going to put him?"
"Where do you think?"
"That's why he's asking, I think."
"Since you asked...I think we'll let Ronan have him. He hasn't eaten in a while."
-----
"Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort VOLDEMORT-"
"Be QUIET-"
"You're just so accustomed to picking on people who can't fight back without
consequences, you've lost the ability to emotionally connect with anyone."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Spare me."
"Is something the matter, Severus?"
Snape didn't even have to turn around.
"Well, sir...I'm attempting to convince Selma that the best place to be
right now is not neccessarily around me."
"Severus, I suggest you-"
He spun around on his heel. "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST,you silly old bastard?
For years, I have been putting up with your nursery-rhyme nonsense without a
a word of dissent, but right now I feel like I could say just about ANYTHING-"
----
Marge ducked.
"There's an owl in the car," she said.
"Hedwig," Harry said. She flew to him.
"She knows," Hermione said.
"I have to do this," Harry told her. "Ron, would you take Hedwig if I-"
For the first time, the fact that this might be his last moments with Harry
sank in. He bit his lip, and nodded.
Hedwig screeched, more upset than Harry had ever seen her.
----
"Hell," Hagrid said, "It could be worse."
He blew his nose.
"Instead of a complete outcast, I coulda-"
"You're not a complete outcast."
"I ain't welcome in either world."
"That's not true. People look up to you."
"They ain't got a choice."
Sprout laughed.
"See?" she said,in the midst of her laughter. "You make people laugh, Hagrid.
You make people feel good about themselves. We all love you, even Snape. I certainly
wouldn't have moved in on you if-"
"You moved in on me? Nah. If I remember correctly-wait, yeah, you did make the
first move. I woulda, but-"
"We belong together, Hagrid. We are of the earth, the soil, the rain-"
----
"WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?"
He stopped in front of the picnic bench.
"Somethin' wrong, Professor?"
"Yes, something's wrong, Hagrid." He said this through gritted teeth. "I'm tired
of looking at you. I don't know why Dumbledore keeps you around. You're like a
a...a big ugly mongrel that keeps getting kicked around and keeps coming back
for more-"
"Somethin' IS wrong," Hagrid said.
"I must agree," said Dumbledore, behind Snape. "Severus...I know you would never
consider speaking to us like this unless a great burden is on your mind. Therefore,
we shall not take offense at what you said...or might say in the near future."
"What I...MIGHT say?"
----
The door opened, and a shaft of light sliced through the decrepit room.
Ronan winced. Then he raised his head from the filthy floor.
He came down the stairs, one by one.
Each of them carried a bundle in their arms.
"Afternoon,Ronan," Chillinger said. "Did you think I forgot about you?"
He dropped the bundles in front of Ronan, and thanked Merlin the Imperius
Curse worked on centaurs.
"Smells human," Ronan said. "Have you brought me an innocent?"
"This one wasn't what I'd call innocent."
"I ate a spider yesterday. It was easy because I named it after you."
Chillinger laughed.
"There are no stars down here," Ronan said. "Can you at least tell me where
Mars is tonight?"
"I wouldn't know Mars from Jupiter."
The three of them turned as one.
"See you later," he said.
---
"I saw him," Harry said. "He's in this big room, and there's a door-"
"The reactor," Marge said. "Oh my God."
"How far is it?" Harry asked.
"It's not far," Marge said. "Oh, I hope Homey is all right."
"Your husband works at the plant?" Ron asked.
"He's the safety inspector," said Marge. "Can you see him?"
"I'm sorry, I don't," Harry said.
Marge stomped on the accelerator.
-----
Ralph woke up.
There was an old lady smiling down at him.
----
"Severus, what is it? You know I'll listen, whatever it is."
"No," Severus said. "There's only one thing you can do for me."
Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder. "What is it?"
Severus brushed his hand off. "Get away from me. I don't want any more of your
guidance, or your friendship. You are nothing to me. You never were."
He turned away, just as the three o'clock bell rang.
----
Moody came across Lupin, sleeping on a bench, near the statue of Jebediah
Springfield. He looked sicker than usual.
He shook Remus awake.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"Nearly three," Moody said. "Rough night?"
Remus put his hands over his face. "I'm hung over."
"Just thought you should know...Harry has gone after Voldemort."
"He has? Wh-" He tried to get up, but quickly relented.
After a moment, he said,"So...this could be it."
"Could be," Moody said.
"I never even got to say goodbye."
"Hell of a kid," Moody said.
"Damn right," Remus said.
----
Marge pulled into the parking lot.
"Oh my Lord," she said.
There were people sprawled everywhere.
"I don't want to drive over these people," she said.
"That's okay," Harry said. "Thank you for the ride."
He opened the door, and got out.
"Harry, wait," Hermione said.
She joined him outside. So did Ron.
"Well," Harry said. "This is it."
"Harry, you have to live," Hermione said. "Nothing will be the same without you."
"We had a great time together," Harry said. "You guys are the best."
Hermione and Ron threw themselves at Harry.
A moment passed, with the three of them entangled.
"Time for me to go," Harry said. "Name one of your kids after me."
Hermione kissed him on the cheek.
Then she climbed back into the car, leaving Ron and Harry alone.
They stared at each other.
"I wish you didn't have to do this," Ron said. "It isn't fair."
"I don't know what to say, Ron. Just that you were the best friend and the
best brother anyone ever had."
Ron grinned. "My pleasure, mate." He put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Now go in there
and permanently incapacitate his arse."
He sat in the car, beside Hermione. Mrs. Simpson backed out of the lot, and
burned rubber down the street.
----
The three o'clock bell rang.
The door to Hagrid's place burst open.
On top of Mrs. Riddle's shoulders, Ralph laughed. "Look, Daddy, I'm a tumor-"
"Hey,Ralphie,be careful up there-"
The back doors opened. Edna Krabappel stretched as she emerged from the building.
"My gosh, it's gloomy out here," she said. "Mrs. Riddle, I hate to ask, but
could you help me?"
"Just let me put down Ralphie first," she said. She put Ralph down.
Then she followed Edna Krabappel into the building.
---
"Are all the children gone?" Dumbledore asked.
"Except for the Wiggum boy," McGonagall said. "They've all gone home."
A car jumped the curb and pulled onto the grass. Mrs. Simpson looked
frantic; Ron and Hermione were quite upset as well.
"Professor Dumbledore," said Mrs. Simpson,"I can't find Lisa."
----
Lucius Malfoy met Harry at the door,but there was no need for action. The man's
insides were spilling out of his stomach, despite his best efforts to hold them
in. He had plunged his arms into himself, in an effort to delay the inevitable.
Harry turned away when it happened.
"Good riddance," he said.
----
Sarah Wiggum woke up alone.
She wondered where Clancy and Ralph were.
----
"Where'd they go?" Sprout asked.
"Lookin' for Lisa," Hagrid said.
"I don't think I met Lisa."
"Hermione Granger, age eight."
---
Harry had seen Weylon Smithers in his head, and that was how he identified
the body lying just outside Mr. Burns's office. Of course, there were no
signs of any kind of trauma. It was as if he'd just fallen over dead.
He opened the door to the office, but the room was empty.
----
"What did you need?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"Oh...it's one of Seymour's diplomas. I can't get it to stay on the wall-"
---
Dumbledore had stayed behind, because he was worried about Snape, but he promised
to catch up with them.
"Do you have any of Lisa's personal effects in the car?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"No," Marge said. "Why?"
"I'm somewhat of a psychometrician."
"Huh?"
---
Five minutes later, Harry found Homer Simpson.
He had died near the vending machines; the machine had failed to deliver the
Whatchamacallit bar, and above it, aborted delivery of a donut. Harry figured
it was the last thing Mr. Simpson ever saw.
From his position, it probably looked like an angel.
"Sorry," Harry said.
Nearby, a black man sat at a table. He was shaking,but alive.
"Hi," Harry said.
"Huh...h-hah...hey."
"Are you okay?"
"Muh-my blood's...disappearing. Muh...Mr. Burns k-k-killed everybody. Did
suh-something to me."
"It's not Burns," Harry said. "There's something inside him."
"You...g-guh-gotta stop him...whu-what's your name?"
"Harry. Harry Potter."
"Carl. Carl Cuh-cuh-Carlson."
There was a blanket nearby.
Harry wrapped it around him.
"Thanks...I'm still...c-c-cold."
"I'll stay with you," Harry said.
Carl shook his head. "Nah. Go."
----
"I swear, I put those stupid screws here."
Edna placed the screwdriver on the desk.
Mrs. Riddle's attention wandered down to the screwdriver.
----
In the parking lot, Snape ran into Principal Skinner.
"Oh, hello, young man. You're Snape, aren't you?"
"Severus Snape," said Snape. "I don't suppose you're headed home."
"I certainly am. Do you need a ride?"
"...yes."
"Is something wrong?"
"Something is wrong, yes."
"Running's not the answer," Skinner said.
"There's no right answer here," Snape said.
He lunged at Skinner.
----
For a moment, the only two people in the room were Harry and Burns.
"Ahhhh," he said. He looked like an ancient grasshoper. "We've been waiting for you,
young man."
Then there were two of them; Burns and Voldemort.
Voldemort looked bad. He had wasted away considerably since last year.
He turned to Burns, and then the man was ten feet in the air, gasping for breath,
his legs windmilling.
Burns dropped to the floor.
Voldemort frowned at Harry.
----
Skinner grabbed Snape by the hand, and drew him into his knee. He imagined a
BOFF! sound effect exploding above their heads.
Snape staggered back, and then tried it again.
"This is a waste of time," Skinner said, dodging him.
Snape fell to the pavement, then launched himself off of it.
Skinner tripped him this time, and then put him in a full nelson
(nelson muntz?)
"Stop it," Skinner said, as Snape fought.
----
"What are you doing here, Potter?"
"I've come to realize that I'll never really be able to defeat you, so I'm
here to join forces with you."
"Are you serious, Potter?"
"No," he said. "I'm Harry."
"Don't test my patience, Potter."
"Don't tell me what to do," Harry said. He held the bag out to Voldemort. "Lemon
drop?"
----
Skinner's diploma fell off the wall again.
Edna blew a breath of air that disturbed her hair.
She looked down at the desk.
"Where's the screwdriver?"
----
"Potter, it is because of you that I am in this condition," Voldemort said. "It
was right there, in your tiny little mind, and I missed it."
"Guess my mind isn't as useless as you thought," Harry said.
Voldemort scowled. Harry's scar erupted in pain, and Harry swayed on his feet.
"You needn't fight," Burns said,twisted on the floor. "Think of the power,boy."
Voldemort looked down at Burns.
"You have outlived your usefulness," he said.
"Oh, I don't know about that-"
"ADAVA KEDAVRA!"
"No-"
Green light slammed into Burns, and that was the end of him.
----
"I'm surprised, Severus," Dumbledore said. "In all our time together, I have
never known you to do anything like this."
Snape couldn't look at him.
"Why won't you forsake me?"
"You know why, Severus."
----
"And now," Voldemort said, "You're next, Potter."
"That's the prophecy," Harry said.
"That I would kill you? We both knew that would happen."
"No," Harry said. "That's not the prophecy."
"No matter," Voldemort said. "Besides, I'm perfectly aware you're not going down
without a pointless display of defiance, piddling though it might be. Now raise your
wand."
"Hang on a second," Harry said. "First, tell me what you're doing here."
"Oh," Voldemort said. "Right. Well, you've got my mother, so I put my ultimate
contingency plan into effect. I'm going to step into the reactor, absorb all the
radiation, and finally achieve my dream of immortality."
Good, Harry thought. Have fun playing in the nuclear reactor.
"And now," he said, "For my other bid at immortality. Draw your wand, Potter."
It happens now, Harry thought. One of us dies right now.
Harry pulled his wand from his pocket.
---
"It was right here, just a second ago."
"Maybe it fell under the desk," Mrs. Riddle said. "I can't,dear,my back-"
Krabappel nodded.
----
Then he remembered something.
"Can I ask a question?"
"A question." Voldemort looked amused. "Very well."
"Is there any other reason you're bent on killing me, other than the reasons I
know?"
"That depends. What do you know? Never mind, I'll just draw it out of your head."
He pointed his wand at Harry. "Legillimens."
He never even recieved the first thought.
Between them, there was an explosion of light.
Voldemort looked at Harry from the floor.
"You've been practicing," he said.
---
Snape looked at the group in front of him.
"Let us help you, Severus," Dumbledore said.
"No one can help me."
----
"You're only prolonging the inevitable. You knew this moment was coming, Potter.
To answer your question, yes, I targeted you for death, you foolish boy, but don't
you realize what your death will do to Dumbledore?"
Harry's mouth fell open. "So...this entire time..."
-he tried to get Dumbledore to KILL me last year-
and then he thought:
oh god, THAT'S what's worse than death-
"The ultimate intent of all this is to break Dumbledore. There, I said it. Are
you satisfied, Potter?"
"Well, I've just put several things in perspective," Harry said.
"Nothing like a clear conscience before the moment arrives," Voldemort said.
"I'm amazed you don't see it," Harry said.
"See what?"
(you can't see that there are things worse than death. Different ways of destroying
a man. Dumbledore told him-)
"What's worse than death?"
"NOTHING!"
"YES, actually there ARE, you great thick prat."
"Don't you dare-"
"It's because of YOU that I'm talking this way," Harry said. "So live with it. I've
had to live without my parents-" and so has Dumbledore and if I die-
"Is that what's worse than death?"
"So you finally figured it out." Harry clapped politely. "Very good, Tom."
"Don't call me that."
"Why not,TOM?"
"You little brat, I am Lord Voldemort."
"You're a delusional old fart."
Voldemort raised his wand.
Harry closed his eyes.
He allowed the tip of his wand to touch the spot over his heart.
----
"Found it," Edna said, and slapped the screwdriver onto the desk in front of
Mrs. Riddle.
----
A lot of things went through Harry's mind.
He knew Dumbledore loved him, and so did the Weasleys. He supposed his teachers
loved him, or had at least grown fond of him. He had wonderful friends who cared
deeply about him, and a place that felt like home in Hogwarts and a wonderful world
filled with people who believed in him.
The question was this: was he capable of loving them in return?
-----
Mrs. Riddle picked up the screwdriver.
-----
"Where's Mrs. Riddle?" Snape asked.
-----
A moment later, he had the answer.
"Yes," he said,his eyes still closed. He said it out loud, in open defiance of
Voldemort's hatred. He thought of them all, even Snape. He thought of his parents
and Sirius and Dumbledore and McGonagall and he got to where he was thinking about
Grawp and Florian Fortescue and Mr. Ollivander and Doris Crockford and Tom at the
Leaky Cauldron and that Daedalus Diggle guy-
I call upon you all. I may be here, alone, but you are all with me-
----
Deep within the Ministry Of Magic lay the Department Of Mysteries. A year ago,
there had been a ferocious battle there, and the damage had been sanitized. You'd
never know anything had happened.
In the darkness, there was movement. A figure, shadowed in darkness, moved across
the floor, wand out, hands shaking. He knew this room. He'd had to scourgify the
Xs that had been burnt onto the door by Hermione Granger. Of course, they could
not open the one door. The door that was always locked.
The door.
Light crept out from under the door.
"What-"
Slowly, the door creaked open, and filled the larger room with light.
He walked across the room, and stood in the doorway.
What he saw dropped his jaw.
The walls and ceiling and floor were covered with pictures of Harry Potter.
Every one of the pictures were moving. In the front of the room was a screen.
As he watched, the screen came to life.
Strangely enough, he was familiar with the person onscreen. He had sort of gone
astray from the man, and he felt bad about it. It was a surprise to see
Albus Dumbledore up there, smiling at the camera. "Hello," he said, his
voice filling the room. He cleared his throat. "If you are listening to this
message, it means that Harry Potter has unlocked the door, the key to which
is Harry himself. This room is not finished yet, and will not be complete
until the end of Harry's life, which I, for one, hope does not come for a
long, long time. Please do not touch anything in this room, as the entire display is
in sync with Harry's brainwaves and heartbeat, and changes in deference to Harry's
mood." Dumbledore paused. "At this moment, Harry may be gathering strength from the
people who love him, myself included. If you see yourself among these pictures,
consider yourself very lucky-"
----
Voldemort burst out laughing.
It was a very diabolical laugh.
"What are you doing?" he said,barely able to control himself.
"What do you care?"
"I just...before you die, Potter, I just want to thank you. For giving me the
biggest laugh I've had in a long time."
"As long as it's the last one."
They tried to outdraw each other.
Voldemort shouted the Killing Curse.
Harry just let his arm fall towards Voldemort-
-and Harry felt a strange prickling course through him, and all at once
it escaped, through his wand, a silvery wall of energy that met the emerald
light streaking towards Harry and absorbed it, and moved through Voldemort as if it
were a knife and his skin were warm butter. It also eradicated the wall behind him.
Voldemort's lips moved, but he formed no coherent words.
There was a smoking crater in his chest; his insides had been blackened.
He dropped the wand.
Then he fell.
Harry picked Voldemort's wand from the ground.
He cracked the wand in half over his knee.
There was a phoenix feather inside it. Harry wondered if Fawkes would want it
back. It had been the core of a wicked wizard's wand,but-
An alarm sounded, making Harry cover his ears.
"The reactor has been breached," said a cool automated voice. "This is not
a drill. Please follow your emergency action plan..."
"Oh no," Harry said.
----
Mrs. Riddle grimaced. Her grip on the screwdriver tightened.
Edna was talking about Skinner, but Mrs. Riddle couldn't hear her.
She put a hand to her mouth to hold any emotional outbursts.
Krabappel made a happy sound. "Here they are," she said, a
box of screws in her hand.
Of course, she dropped the box.
Mrs. Riddle looked from her to the screwdriver and back again, watching
her rummage around on the floor.
----
Snape clutched at his chest.
"Oh, Merlin," he said. "He did it."
"Severus, what is it?"
"I'm having a heart attack," Snape said.
----
"All right," Edna said, "Now we're-"
These were her last coherent words.
As she stood, Mrs. Riddle rammed the screwdriver through her neck. She went
down gurgling.
Mrs. Riddle left the office, just in time to see Principal Skinner running down
the hallway. "Call 911," he said, and instead, she reached into her pocket,
pulled out Chief Wiggum's backup piece and shot Skinner right between the eyes;
the bullet tore through the back of his head and sprayed the area behind him with
powder-burnt brain matter.
The music room door opened, and a gray-haired man emerged, looking naturally severe.
He raised his eyebrows when he saw Skinner, but by that time, she had her wand out.
"Gastronomordre," she said, and her curse hit Dewey Largo, who managed to say
"Ohhhh-" and clutched at his stomach-
"You gotta love the Entrail-Expelling Curse," she told him, just before the
familiar sound of rupturing bowels made the front of his shirt bulge outwards.
She looked at the clock on the wall. Three people in thirty seconds. Oh my.
"More," she groaned.
---
Dumbledore caught him, and followed him on the way to the ground.
"Haven't you ever wondered why I'm so awful to Potter?"
"I know why, Severus. His father-"
"Yes, his father stole Lily from me...but there's something more...ask Professor
Trelawney about the third prophecy. It's about to come true."
"A third prophecy?" Dumbledore asked.
"One that ensured Potter would be the death of me."
"Isn't there something we can do?" Selma asked.
"There's gotta be somethin'," Hagrid said.
"Get me to a garbage disposal unit and stick my arm inside," Snape said.
"Severus," Dumbledore said, "You never said-"
"I never told you...surprised you didn't know...when the Dark Lord
dies, all his followers follow...rather like that Muggle whose name
eludes me...he headed a cult called The People's Temple? Jim something. Ah
yes...Jim Jones."
He looked up at Dumbledore.
"I...apologize."
"You don't need to apologize to me," Dumbledore said.
"I...never thought you were a fool...you were my mentor...the father I could
have had..."
"Can we get you a priest or something?" Wiggum asked.
"Don't you dare try to cleanse my soul," Snape said."Nothing can erase the things
I've done." He looked at Sprout. "Tell Minerva...I couldn't have asked
for a better rival."
Professor Sprout wiped at her eyes. "Oh, Severus-"
"Don't cry for me," Severus said. "I'm already dead."
He looked up at Hagrid.
"Thank you for trying, Hagrid. Keep Hogwarts beautiful. You and Sprout. Some
of the most peaceful moments I've had...they were strolling on the grounds, searching
for ingredients."
"Yeh got it, Professor."
A loud popping noise came from inside the school.
"That was a gunshot," Wiggum said. "Excuse me."
He ran towards the school.
Snape shivered.
"Don't worry, Severus," Dumbledore said.
"Sir?"
"Death is but the next great adventure," Dumbledore said.
"Thank you, sir. I'd like you to have my books. Shakespeare and Machiavelli and...
and...and-Nietzsche and-oh...my God-"
With those words, Severus Snape died.
----
Wiggum ran into Superintendent Chalmers on the way into the school. He looked
weird. It was his face; he could see through it, skull and muscles and brain and
everything. "Superintedent Chalmers?"
Chalmers opened his mouth to speak. It was like letting the air out of a balloon.
A horrible squeaking noise issued from his mouth, followed by a huge, pressurized
jet of blood, as his head deflated down to a featurless nub, and he fell over dead.
----
"Where's Tonks?" Remus asked.
"Haven't seen her for awhile." Moody said.
Lupin staggered to his feet. "Well...hope she's all right. I hope Harry's all right."
He looked over at the statue of Jebediah Springfield.
"This bloke watches over everybody," Remus said. To the statue, he yelled "Keep
Harry safe, Jeb, old man. We care about him more than we can possibly elaborate."
----
Hagrid picked the object out of Snape's hand.
"What is this?"
Dumbledore took it from him and looked at the flower.
"I believe it's called a-"
He disappeared.
"Bloody hell," Hagrid said. "A portkey."
"I hope he went somewhere nice," Sprout said.
----
"Leee-saaa-"
Marge met Professor McGonagall in the living room.
"She's not in her room," McGonagall said.
"She's not in the house," Marge said. "Where IS she-"
"I'm sure she'll turn up."
Dumbledore materialized in the room, just behind them.
"Albus," McGonagall cried.
He got to his feet.
"Severus is dead, Minerva."
McGonagall put a hand to her mouth.
---
Hagrid emerged from the hut. "E's not in there," Hagrid said.
"Who?"
"The kid," Hagrid said. "Ralph. And his mother-"
"Is Fang in there?"
"Fang's asleep."
"Where did Selma go?"
"She ran off."
Every window in the school exploded. A moment later, the building sagged, as
if its foundation had been rocked.
"It's that woman," Sprout said.
"We gotta stop 'er."
"I guess we do."
He swept her off the ground, holding her as they kissed.
---
There was no one left to kill.
She smiled down at the Wiggums. She had picked them off, one,two,three, as
easily as trampling ants. The lights in the hallway flickered; her last
indulgence had really taken a lot of energy, and ended up wasting the building.
A great crack in the ceiling led down the hallway.
"Well," she told Clancy Wiggum, "Thanks for the gun."
She dropped it next to his hand.
At that moment, the back doors were thrown open.
"There ya are," the giant said.
She grinned. He would be a lot of fun.
"Don't hurt me," she said.
The huge man frowned.
As she backed through the front doors, she thought about his various habits, how he
ate, drank, slept. She knew a lot about him, having seen him in her head, asleep,
awake, clothed and nude. She knew he did not leave jobs undone. He would not
quit until he had her.
Smiling, she ducked out the front door.
---
Marge froze.
"Maggie," she said. "WHERE'S MAGGIE?"
---
"Got 'er," Hagrid said.
"Be careful," Sprout told him.
---
Hagrid stepped past fallen posters, over the contents of spilled lockers.
A few uncaged hamsters ran past him.
The lights flickered, like some kind of code.
He paused just before the front doors, just in case she were right there.
"Hagrid-" Sprout yelled.
He started to turn, but Mrs. Riddle had jumped on his back, climbing him, and
as he raised his arms, trying to throw her off, she slashed at his hands with-
-where'd she get that knife? he thought, and then she stabbed him in the back-
-----
-and ripped the knife free, stabbed him again and again and again, and he crashed
against the wall, so that she would let go, but she would not let go-
-----
"Stay away, Sprout," Hagrid yelled, concerned for her safety alone. Screw
safety, Hagrid NEEDED her-
----
and then Hagrid slammed into a glass case that read IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS.
There was an axe behind the case. He stuck his arms through the already shredded
glass, and pulled out the axe; his arms burned. He could barely hold it, but he
swung it upwards and behind him, knocking the knife away, and on his second swing,
he connected with bone, he could FEEL it-
----
-fire consumed her left arm. She fell off of the giant, staggering away; it
was difficult because there was a fire ax protruding from her shoulder. She staggered
outside, and then saw exactly what she needed.
---
Hagrid stepped through the doorway, outside.
He was not prepared.
He did see the telephone pole rocketing towards him, but all he had time to
do was think "Blimey, she uprooted one of them telephone poles-" and then it sailed
through his stomach and out his back.
"Got you," she said; she was covered in sweat and blood.
Hagrid screamed in pain. He actually screamed. The bitch impaled me on a telephone
pole! he thought. He fought not to black out. By God, he would fight her to his
last breath.
"That has to hurt," she said.
"Eh," Hagrid said. It hurt to laugh; he laughed anyway.
She picked up a severed power line from the ground. It danced in her grasp,
spitting lethal voltage.
"I've heard giants are hard to kill," she said. "Now I know."
"You ain't killed me yet," Hagrid said, through gritted teeth. He could taste blood.
"I think a spot of electrocution will do the trick," she said. Then she put the
line down. "No. Far too quick."
With her good arm, she picked up the axe.
"I think this will do," she said. "You know, Tom got his looks from his father.
I'm proud to say that he got his nasty little homicidal impulse from me..."
She placed the blade at his neck.
"This is going to be one-handed," she said. "You know, it took the executioner
eighteen blows with the axe before Mary, Queen Of Scots's head came off? I think
I'm about to set some sort of record."
She reared back; Hagrid closed his eyes, and-
---
"Uh...Remus?"
"What is it?"
"This statue," Moody said.
----
-Sprout fired.
The arrow struck Mrs. Riddle in the small of her back. She gave a cry of surprise.
But she didn't go down.
----
"What about the statue?"
Moody looked down at Lupin.
----
Sprout fired again. This time, the arrow split Mrs. Riddle's skull.
She turned around and kind of grinned at Sprout.
"Your turn," she said.
----
"God, I can't find Maggie or Marge and Homer's at the plant-"
Dumbledore had no magic potions to calm her down. As if she would under
any circumstances.
There was a knock at the door.
Marge ran to the door.
----
Sprout reloaded Hagrid's crossbow, and fired again.
The arrow sunk deep into the monster's heart.
Mrs. Riddle's legs gave out. Finally, she fell, dead before she hit the ground.
---
"I need my pills," Grandpa said.
Marge slammed the door.
----
"I'm so sorry, Hagrid," Sprout said.
"I've 'ad worse," Hagrid said.
"We have to get this out of you."
"Yeh think?"
"There's a spell that turns wood into water," she said. "Uh..."
"Yeh don't know it?"
"I know it. Just give me a second."
---
"Would you look at this thing?" Moody said.
"What's wrong with the bloody statue?"
"It's...Remus-"
"Remus, this statue is crying."
Moody showed Lupin his fingers, dripping with tears of blood.
Lupin tried to make sense of it.
He looked towards the power plant.
----
The wood dissolved.
Hagrid was still badly wounded.
"Good shootin', by the way."
He grinned.
Amazingly, he could walk under his own power.
Inside the school, she sat him down in the Principal's office.
"I'm so cold," he said.
She found a blanket and wrapped it around him.
"I'll get help," she said.
She backed into the hallway.
----
For a moment, everything froze.
Then, the sky went white.
Anyone caught outside had their shadows burnt into the ground, or to the sides of
houses and buildings and cars.
----
Ron stared at the mushroom cloud, and the wave of oncoming destruction.
He felt Hermione next to him.
"Ron?"
He turned to her.
She kissed him.
Then she pulled back.
"Blimey," he said.
In spite of everything, they smiled at each other.
He looked back; Armageddon was nearly upon them.
Ron took Hermione's hands.
He kissed her.
Then he sat down in the middle of the street.
She sat beside him.
"It's so beautiful," Hermione said-
It came and went, leaving nothing in its path.
----
The Comic Book Guy stood outside his shop,shaking his fists.
He managed to say "You idiots, this has already been DONE once-" before he was taken.
----
The most ridiculous death belonged to Adrianna Sprout.
When the nuclear reactor went, of course, there was a tremendous nuclear explosion
that flattened a lot of buildings. Springfield Elementary was not one of them. The
only damage it caused was to blow the front doors off their hinges, and Sprout
was in their way.
---
Bart stood by the lake, watching the giant squid.
All of a sudden, he felt hot.
He turned, in time to see Hogwarts disappear into something he always knew he
would see firsthand. Of course, seconds later, it took him too.
---
Harry appeared in the living room, unconscious.
"Harry," Dumbledore exclaimed.
---
Harry woke up in darkness.
He knew his eyes were open.
Panicking, he searched with his hands.
"Hello? Please, is someone-"
Everything felt so heavy.
"Harry," said a familiar voice.
"Professor?"
"Yes, Harry, it's me."
"Oh, Professor, I'm blind. I-"
Dumbledore caught his hands.
He realized Dumbledore was holding him. "Sshhh."
Harry quieted down. He might have lost consciousness. It was so hard to tell.
"I killed Voldemort," he said. "But I ruptured the reactor, sir. Was there
an explosion?"
"There was."
"It's my fault," Harry said, and he felt tears coursing down his cheeks. "I
thought of home-"
Dumbledore said nothing.
"Sir...am I burnt?"
"No," Dumbledore said.
---
My beautiful boy,no.
---
"I killed Voldemort, sir. But I blew up the reactor. I blew it up. I've destroyed
the world and killed myself-" He cried out, and had a violent convulsion. Dumbledore
held him steady, even though he felt helpless. Harry was going to die and there was
nothing he could do but make him as comfortable as possible.
---
Wait, what about Fawkes?
---
The radiation would kill him, and then he would be reborn, a helpless chick, and
then the radiation would do him in again and the cycle would repeat for all
eternity, his beloved companion never really living or dying, in a state of constant
rebirth. And Maggie-oh, poor, sweet Maggie. Fawkes had undoubtedly tried to heal
her. There would be no rush of magnificent crimson wings in the window, nothing to
assuage Harry's pain or heal his terrible injuries.
"Where's Homer?"
"Mrs. Simpson?" Harry asked.
"Did you see Homer?"
"Yeah...I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson...he's dead."
He heard her choke back a sob. Then, he heard her rapid footsteps running from the
room.
"I knew it would happen like this," Harry said. "I don't care, as long as he's dead."
"Harry-"
"What's my life in comparison to the safety of the entire world?"
---
I should have known.
I have to tell him. He has to know.
---
"There are some things you should know."
"Well," Harry said, "Now's a good time."
"I wanted to tell you these things a thousand times-"
"But you couldn't," Harry said, on the edge of dreams. "For my safety, right?"
"Exactly."
"Tell me," Harry said.
---
The short version, he thought, and felt terrible.
---
"It's so hard to think," Harry said.
"Then just listen," Dumbledore said. "You've undoubtedly wondered about all the
money in your vault?"
"Give it to the Weasleys," Harry said, losing consciousness again.
When he woke up, he could hear rain outside. Dumbledore was humming.
"It's raining?"
"Yes," Dumbledore said. "It is."
"What were we talking about?"
"The money in your vault. Annually, more is added. You never noticed...well, because
you don't live for money, Harry. I imagine it embarrassed you at times."
"Yeah...sometimes...how did my parents get it?"
"That money is basically the equivalent of an accumulation of tax returns."
"Taxes on what?"
"Hogwarts."
Harry tried to think about this, but it was so hard.
"What does that mean,sir?"
"That you are the legal owner of Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
"You're putting me on."
"No," Dumbledore said.
"I don't-"
"You are the last descendant of Godric Gryffindor. As such..."
"I...don't believe it."
"I know you love Hogwarts. It has always felt like home, hasn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Now you know why."
Then he cried out, and Dumbledore felt his pain. He rode the wave of agony.
---
It won't be long. I have to TELL him-
---
"Have you ever thought about my name?"
"Albus Percival Wulfric-"
"My first name and last name. Have you ever thought on their meaning?"
"You have a beautiful name."
"Thank you, Harry. It's French. It means "white bumblebee."
"It does?"
"It does. Now, think about that...and think about your mother's name. And your
aunts' names."
"I only have one aunt."
"You have two."
"My...mother's name was...Lily."
"Yes."
"My aunt's name is Petunia."
"Right again."
"Lily...Petunia...white bumblebee."
---
Finally.
---
"You're...my great-grandfather...or something..."
"Yes, Harry. I am."
"But who's my other aunt?"
"Promise you won't be upset."
"I promise."
"Narcissa Malfoy."
"She married Lucius Malfoy-"
"-and severed ties with me."
"And that's how she became sisters with Bellatrix Lestrange?"
"Yes."
"-and Aunt Petunia married Uncle Vernon-"
-and also severed ties with me."
"But that wasn't enough for him," Harry said. It was getting hard to breathe.
"He forced her to legally divorce herself from me. Not that she needed
encouragement," Dumbledore said, and everything just crashed down. He
couldn't stop the tears from flowing. "And that's why they're your only
relatives now."
"You have always been my grandfather."
-and all at once, he was hugging Harry, rocking him, crying with him.
"You told me...first time you saw me, you told me."
----
you see your family standing around you
----
"I had to," Dumbledore said.
"It's okay," Harry said. "I love you. It's okay."
"You love me?"
"Yes," Harry said. "I love you. But...there's one more question."
"Ask it."
"Who's my grandmother?"
Weight was added to the bed.
"Harry?"
Professor McGonagall.
Harry hurt all over, but he still smiled.
"I'm glad it's you," Harry said.
Downstairs, the telephone rang.
There was a moment of silence.
"I suppose I'll get that," she said.
She left.
"I figured something out," Harry said.
"What is that?"
"You were always Voldemort's main target. Killing me-"
"-would have killed me," Dumbledore said. "That's what's worse than death.
Living on after the ones you love are gone."
"I know," Harry said. "But I don't have long."
---
This is what Tom WANTED. THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.
---
"I remember what you said...to the well-organized mind,death is but the next great
adventure. Well...sir, it looks like I'm about to go adventuring-"
----
you're going before ME, it isn't FAIR-
----
"I can see them," he said. "My mother and father and Sirius-"
"They're here?"
"They've been here. They want me to go with them-"
Dumbledore held Harry close. He kissed the boy's burning forhead.
"Please...don't take him. Lily...James! Spare Harry-take ME-"
He reached out to the empty space.
"Take me..."
----
Minerva picked up the phone.
"Who's this?" she asked.
"Professor McGonagall? That you?"
It was Hagrid.
"Hagrid," she said. "Are you all right?"
"Nah," he said. "I'm sittin' here bleedin' ta death...I dialed HELLP MEE into the
phone...just got lucky, I guess. Mrs. Riddle went nuts...she killed
everybody...Skinner's office looks like a killin' floor...She got Mrs. Krabapple,
Skinner, Mr. Largo an' Superintendent Dick an' the Wiggums...she stabbed me a lot and
did a number on me with a telephone pole...Sprout killed her..."
"Is Addie with you?"
"She's dead," Hagrid said. "Is Harry okay?"
She felt an ache in her heart.
"He's dying, Hagrid. Radiation."
"Hell, I'll be seeing 'im soon. Voldemort's dead?"
"Yes. Yes, he is."
Silence on the other end.
"Hagrid?"
"I'm here. M'heart stopped beating for a second, there. Voldemort-"
"He's dead."
"Good. We ain't died in vain, then. I'm gonna go lie down with Sprout, I think."
"All right, Hagrid."
"Minerva?"
"Yes?"
"Remember, I always loved yeh."
"I'll remember, Hagrid. Thank you. You were special to me, as well."
"...strong woman. Yeh gotta be strong."
"I'm trying."
"Good." Another moment of silence. "I'm gonna go now, Professor. G'bye."
"Goodbye, Hagrid."
Then, the dial tone buzzed in her ear.
She put the phone down.
----
Hagrid stared at the phone for a moment.
He looked down; he sure had lost a lot of blood. The carpet was soaked.
He stood up.
His legs felt wobbly, as if they were going numb.
Codswallop. They WERE going numb.
He felt so cold.
There was a blanket draped over Skinner's chair. He took it.
In the hallway, he pulled the doors off of Addie Sprout.
Even after being crushed by the doors, she was still beautiful. The only
woman who had ever loved him.
A warm wind blew through the entrance, speckled with rain.
He laid down beside her, pulled her close, and draped the blanket over them both.
"Comin', Harry," he said, drowsy.
All the lights in the building went out.
In two minutes, Hagrid was unconscious.
In another five, he was dead.
---
"Somewhere someone's SCREAMING that the WORLD'S GONE-"
The music was lost in static.
The television spat bursts of a movie. A muggle actor named Danny Devito
was onscreen. "Things-" SSKKT "-couldn't have-" SKKKT "-gone more wrong than
this, could they?" This was its last message before the signal turned to permanent
electric snow.
Minerva could barely walk up the stairs.
Her heart felt so heavy. Heavier than her feet.
Somehow, she made it upstairs.
She stopped in the doorway.
Albus and Harry were lying on the bed. He was holding the boy.
Minerva bowed her head.
"M-Minerva-"
She looked up.
Albus was alive.
Harry died in his arms, she realized.
"They...they didn't take me."
He collapsed to the floor.
She went to him.
"Minerva," he whispered,"Minerva, everything is lost. We've lost everything-"
As she put her arms around him,rocking him, he buried his face in her breast and
wailed. It was a fitting funereal bell for a dead world.
----
Time to vomit
No thank you, Mr. Burns
-Hatemail,"Lil' Lisa's Animal Slurry." (which belonged to Hatemail) Also,
"Cassie Eats Cockroaches" belonged to Acid Bath. The movie dialogue at the
end is from RUTHLESS PEOPLE.)
DISCLAIMER: This chapter was incredibly gory and upsetting and you probably
shouldn't have read it if you're squeamish or easily upset.* None of these
characters belonged to me except Chillinger. (diabolical laughter)
----
* = ITCHY AND SCRATCHY reference
It Ate Eeeverybody
Hagrid peeled a sliver away from the block of wood. He had been at it for awhile,
and wasn't quite paying as much attention as he should have. He had cut his thumb
open, and barely noticed that. His pain was nothing compared to what Harry must have
been feeling in his head. There was really nothing he could do to ease Harry's pain,
and it made him feel small. Beside him, Fang lay asleep.
Wiggum opened his eyes. He pulled away from his wife and Ralph. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," Hagrid said.
"What are you making?"
"A flute. I ain't concentratin',though."
The door opened. Wiggum recognized the old man.
"Ah, Chief," he said. "You're awake."
"What happened last night?" he asked.
"I'm sure you have a hundred questions," Dumbledore said. "Please be patient."
Wiggum nodded.
"Hagrid," Dumbledore said, "Harry's asking for you."
Without question, he followed Dumbledore outside.
"What's goin' on?" he asked.
"Things look very grave,Hagrid." Dumbledore said. "We've tried to get through to
the Ministry, to no avail. Portkeys just bounce back here, and the Floo Network
doesn't work either. All communications have been severed."
Harry was lying on a nearby bench, curled up like a baby, cradling Fawkes. McGonagall
and Sprout were sitting with him, and they looked like lionesses.
Hermione and Ron were on his other side, and Arthur Weasley was also sitting nearby.
He looks like one of his kids just died, Hagrid thought, and then he connected the
Ministry with Percy.
"Hey, Hagrid," Harry said.
He sat down beside Sprout, and took Harry's hand.
"What d'yeh need, Harry?"
"Just...stay with me,Hagrid." Harry said.
"Right," Hagrid said.
He looked around.
"Where's Mrs. Riddle?"
"Professor Snape is watching her."
"And that Selma woman's watching him," Professor McGonagall said.
"She likes him, doesn't she?" Harry asked.
"And the feeling's mutual," Professor Sprout said.
"It had to happen sometime," Ron said.
Harry looked up at Dumbledore. "Sir-"
"What is it, Harry?"
"Remember, I told you Voldemort was angry?"
"He's not angry now?"
"He's furious. But now...he's happy,too. His thoughts are..."
He closed his eyes.
Hermione said "Harry-"
"Don't press him, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said.
Harry opened his eyes. "Ehhxcellent..." he whispered.
-and then he could hear the other man's every thought and it spread back from
him until he could hear the thoughts of everyone in town including the people
around him, a dense knot of languages and he screamed and-
-opened his eyes. His clothes were soaked through with sweat.
"Harry?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry had to take a breath. "I could hear his thoughts," he said. "What happened?"
"You had a seizure," Dumbledore said. "You don't remember?"
"No."
"We kept yeh comfterble," Hagrid said. "Professor Dumbledore blocked yer
tongue with a spoon."
"My mother had epileptic seizures all the time," Sprout said. "It's nothing to
be ashamed of, Harry. You don't mind if I call you Harry instead of 'Mr. Potter'
right now, do you?"
"I don't mind. Is Fawkes all right?"
"Fawkes is fine," Dumbledore said.
"Whose thoughts could you hear?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"Voldemort's contact. And then it spread."
"Voldemort's found his Springfield contact?" Dumbledore asked.
"He's inside him now...Burns. Mr. Burns, that's his name."
Just as he said this, a car screeched to a halt by the curb.
Mrs. Simpson and Mrs. Weasley emerged from the car, trying to run and scream at
the crowd.
"Voldemort found his contact," Mrs. Weasley said, out of breath. Mr. Weasley
went to her and wrapped his arms around her.
"It's Mr. Burns," Marge Simpson said. "He owns the nuclear power plant."
"Gotta...stop him," Harry said.
He sat up.
Hagrid kept his hands on Harry's shoulders,but he knew Harry was right.
"Hagrid, please let me go."
Hagrid felt his hands slide away from Harry, as if they were numb.
He swung his legs over the edge of the bench.
Mrs. Weasley steadied him as he stood up.
She let go, and his legs gave way.
She caught him just in time, and sat him down.
"You don't have to do this," she said, her hand at his forehead.
He looked her straight in the eyes.
"I'm the only one who can," he said.
She touched his cheek.
"Help me," Harry said.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Well," he looked embarrassed. "The bathroom-"
"Say no more," she said.
Another lioness, Hagrid thought, as Mrs. Weasley slung one of Harry's arms around
her neck. "Ready?"
"Ready."
She and Harry traveled across the lawn, into the school.
"What's he talking about?" Marge asked.
"Harry is the only one who can kill Voldemort," Dumbledore said.
"He is?"
"Blimey. Why's that?" Ron asked.
"That is for Harry to tell you," Dumbledore said.
"I'm going with him," Ron said.
"Ron-" Mr. Weasley began.
"No, Dad, I'm going. For Harry. Hermione, you're coming too, right?"
"Of course-" She raised her eyebrows.
Selma was standing at the head of the table now.
"You're Hermione, right?"
"Right."
"What do you think of Professor Snape?"
Hermione looked at Dumbledore.
"Tell the truth, Miss Granger."
Hermione turned to Selma.
"I don't think I should answer. If he finds out I told you, he'll take points
away from our House-"
"He will?"
"Yes, he will."
"He won't find out you told me."
"In that case..." Hermione thought a moment. "He's the worst person I've ever met."
Professor McGonagall suddenly turned away and covered her face.
"I second that," Ron said.
"Not your favorite teacher,huh?"
"Are you thinking of asking him out on a date?" Ron asked.
"I'm thinking of a lot more than that."
Ron looked ready to vomit slugs again.
"Well," Sprout said, "Good luck to you, I say."
"Thanks," Selma said. After a moment, she said,"I had to get away from that old lady.
The things she said creeped me out."
"What did she say?" Dumbledore asked.
"Personal things," Selma said. "Severus told her to stop. Really, she's a sweet
old lady, but there's something about her...it's like she can't help it..."
"I should check on them," Dumbledore said. Then he got up from the table and
left the group. Selma followed him.
Harry emerged from the back doors. Surprisingly, no one was helping him walk.
Mrs. Weasley stood behind him, and beside her: Alastor Moody. Harry,in front of
them, took staggering steps while Moody coached him.
"Left foot...there ya go...right foot...excellent, Potter..."
Harry leaned against the picnic table. He looked like he'd just run a race.
Moody flashed a rakish grin, and then Disapparated.
"Mrs. Simpson," Harry said, "Could I trouble you for a ride?"
"Where would you like to go?"
"The power plant," Harry said.
"We're coming," Hermione said.
"Well...all right. But only because-"
"What is it?"
"Homer," she said. "We have to save him."
"Fine," Harry said. "Guys, you can come for the ride."
Hermione and Ron took off running towards Mrs. Simpson's car. Mrs. Simpson followed.
Harry turned.
Then he realized something. This might be the last time-
He didn't want to cry, but a tear escaped. He wiped it away.
"Well," he said. "I have to go. I don't know if I'm coming back. I just-" He
looked from the people with him at the table-Hagrid, McGonagall, Sprout, and the
Weasleys.
They looked just as sad as he did. "There's really nothing
I can say to express my gratitude," he said. "All of you...you're-"
He turned just in time to be swept into Hagrid's embrace.
"Don't forget me," Harry said,into Hagrid's ear. "Hagrid,I-"
"I know, Harry, I know yeh do. Yeh'd be impossible t'forget. I know it
sounds corny, but I think of yeh as part o'my family. Son I never had, yeh know?"
He kissed the top of Harry's head, knowing that if there were any way he
could have bore Harry's burden, he gladly would have.
"Kick his arse," he told Harry. "He owes me money, yeh know."
Reluctantly, he let go.
Harry turned to Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout.
"Potter, if you think I'm going to allow us to succumb to sentimental...oh,
forget it. Come here." and he was very surprised when she kissed him on the cheek.
Behind him, Professor Sprout tried to get her arms around them both. "Come back,
Potter," she said.
McGonagall was smiling when she let him go.
She took his hand.
"You can do this, Potter. I know you can," she said. "I know YOU."
"Thank you."
Then, there were Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.
"Come on, Harry," said Mr. Weasley.
"We'll walk you to the car," said Mrs. Weasley.
The car seemed so far away.
At least it felt that way. Harry felt that this was what his own parents would
have done. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, on either side of him, held his hand.
"Harry?"
"Yes, Mrs. Weasley?"
"I don't want to think you're not coming back to us. So could I just ask you if
you would consider...well, if you'd consider staying with us instead of those
people-"
"Let me think about it," Harry said, laughing weakly. "Yes. I'd like that. Have
you discussed it with Dumbledore?"
"I've had many discussions with him about you-"
"Potter."
Snape practically spat it out.
"Excuse me," Harry said. He looked up at the Weasleys. Mrs. Weasley gave him
one last hug and Mr. Weasley squeezed his shoulder. It gave him strength.
He turned from them.
He stopped a ways from Snape. Like Filch, Snape was best viewed from far away.
"What do you want, sir?"
"Since this is hopefully the last time I'll ever see you, I just wanted to
say something before it was too late."
"I'll probably forget it in ten minutes anyway."
Snape looked as if he were counting to ten in his head.
"Potter, I seriously doubt-"
"Sirius?"
"I seriously doubt you can kill the Dark Lord-"
"Yeah...well, since this is the probably the last time I'll ever see you...sir...
I'd just like to say that I've stopped caring what you think about me."
"Are you saying that you did care?"
"Before the very first Potions class. I was scared to death. I didn't know anything
about our world. My other teachers made me feel welcome, and then...fame isn't all
it's cracked up to be, is it? That's what you said, without the slightest inclination
that I didn't know. I'm amazed you haven't told me to shut my mouth yet. Or said
something about my father."
"Potter-"
"One day, there's not going to be anyone left for you to hate, Professor. On that
day, I hope you're prepared."
"If that day ever comes," Snape said.
"My father's dead. You're fighting a dead man."
"You have no idea what I'm fighting, Potter."
"I don't want to know. What did you want to say?"
"Right now, I'd like to give you an eternity's detention."
Harry put up his hands. It took effort. "All right,c'mon...just say what you
have to say."
"All I have to say is this: Kill him, Potter. I don't think you can do it, but I'm a
lifelong pessimist. I know you. Despite my best efforts, you have managed to
rise above everything I've thrown at you. So do us both a favor and destroy him."
"You'd be free of him if he dies, right?"
"Yes," Snape said. "I must go now. Besides,there's one more who'd like a word."
Snape swept away, and Harry saw that one more person by the front doors of the
school.
Dumbledore.
It didn't matter how far he had to walk.
Harry closed the distance between them.
"Now you know why I'm hardly ever around at this point," he said, looking as old as
Harry had ever seen him.
"Usually, nobody is," Harry said.
Dumbledore smiled.
"I don't want to do this," Harry said, "But I'm the only one who can."
Dumbledore closed his eyes, and nodded.
He doesn't want me to go, Harry thought.
"I remember you said something..." Harry said. "About choosing between what's
right and what's easy...sir, it applies to you, too, doesn't it?"
"Yes, Harry, it does."
"Sir-I just...thank you. For everything."
"I should be the one thanking you."
Harry touched his arm.
Dumbledore pulled Harry to him.
"Just think of the people who love you," he said. "Think of home, of family. And
here-" he handed Harry a bag of lemon drops. "For the journey."
Harry took them.
"You've made me so proud," said Dumbledore. "I can't tell you how much."
"Goodbye, sir. There's still some things I don't know, but there's no time to ask.
If I don't come back...bury me with my family."
Dumbledore's eyes shuddered. But he bowed his head, and nodded.
"Bye."
Harry turned from him, and staggered over to the car. Hermione opened the door.
Ron helped him get inside.
------
Bart sat across from a kid named Draco Malfoy in Defense Against The Dark Arts,
and he got the impression that Draco couldn't care less about defending himself
against the things they were studying. This class was for defending yourself against
people like Draco. He was a nasty kid who would have been beaten up every day if he
attended Springfield Elementary. Dolph, Jimbo, Kearney and Nelson would have been
holding him upside-down in the toilet, catching anything that just happened to fall
out of his pockets every single day.
"Simpson," Malfoy hissed.
"What is it?" Bart asked.
"You read the homework, right?"
"We had homework?"
"Of course we had homework. Simpson, you're lucky McGonagall isn't teaching this
week. You'd be buried under a pile of parchment so large, no one would ever find
you. Then again, you're one of hers."
"One of her what?"
"She's head of bloody Gryffindor."
"Oh yeah," Bart said. "What was the homework, again?"
"The section on Joachim Kroll."
"Oh. Well,yeah, I did read it. I've never had a teacher who made us study
about serial killers and homicidal maniacs before, is all." He looked down
at the class text, a big red book called HUNTING HUMANS.
"You did have Defense classes in Bonerland, right?"
"BonerVILLE."
"Whatever," he smirked. "You know, there's a town in Ohio called River Styx?"
"I didn't know that."
"Well, Chillinger knows what he's doing. I don't agree with the Headmaster on
many things. Bloody fool if you ask me. But learning to recognize behavioral
patterns and studying these people was a good idea. You weren't here when we
learned about Jeffrey Dahmer or Jack The Ripper. He even taught us self-defense,
on land and underwater."
The classroom door opened. "Class," Professor Chillinger said, as the three
of him came into the room. "I'm not prepared," whispered the one bringing up
the rear-"I can't DO this-"
Sometimes, Bart had trouble paying attention to Mrs. Krabappel. Having to
focus on three teachers at once, even if they were technically the same person,
felt like an impossible task. Fortunately, the other kids in the class just
let him talk. Joachim Kroll was a very evil, unsavory guy from Germany who
sliced men, women and children up without remorse. He had cannibalistic tendencies.
His picture in the book made Bart think of what Hans Moleman's Bizarroworld
counterpart would look like.
"-neighbor asked him about the clog in his toilet-"
A spirit floated through the wall.
Bart had met Nearly Headless Nick, and had at least seen most of the Hogwarts ghosts.
He hadn't talked to Professor Binns; he sat in the back of History Of Magic, and
Binns barely knew he was there.
"Ah," Professor Chillinger said. "Professor Binns. To what do we owe this
unexpected visit?"
"Oh...er..." He stared at Chillinger as if he'd never seen him before.
"Maybe you'll remember later," another one of the Chillingers said. "Maybe."
Binns descended through the floor.
"Right," Chillinger said. "Let that be a lesson to you, class. This is Defense
Against the Dark Arts. Not dead old farts."
The class laughed.
"Now...what did Kroll say...Mr. Simpson?"
Bart snapped his head up. "Oh. Uh..."
"Guts," breathed several voices behind him.
"Guts," Bart said. By now, he was sure the other kids knew he was a fake.
"Very good, Simpson. For some bonus points, do you remember the specific
innards with which Mr. Kroll's toilet was clogged?"
"You mean, whose were they?"
"Exactly."
"I dunno," Bart said.
"They were-"
The bell rang.
"Oh, well, we'll find out next time," Chillinger said. "Mr. Malfoy, could I see you,
please?"
"Catch you later," Bart said.
"They'll never catch me," Draco said.
Bart laughed, and left.
Draco could not help but wonder...had he just made a friend in Gryffindor?
"I see you and Simpson are getting on," Chillinger said.
One of the other Chillingers put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"You said 'getting it on'."
"No," Chillinger said, with extreme patience. "That's not what I said. Don't make
me lock you in the wardrobe again."
"There's a monster in the wardrobe," the other Chillinger said.
"Is there really?" Draco asked.
"A boggart, I think."
"A boggart?" The Chillinger trembled.
"A boggart, that's all, Malfoy." Chillinger smiled. "I named him Floyd."
"Floyd?"
"I was going to call him Humphrey, but he didn't like that."
"Why did you want to talk to me, sir? Did I not turn something in?"
"No, Mr. Malfoy. Your work is exemplary. Only one detention in six years. Oh,
but of course, that reprimand from the Ministry last year for being on Dolores
Umbridge's toady squad-"
"They were just saving face," Draco said.
"I'm sure that's what Dolores Umbridge would say. If she weren't dead, of course."
"She's dead?" Draco asked. "When did that happen?"
"Over the summer," Chillinger said. "She was caught in a drive-by shooting. I
believe it was a gang called the Bloods."
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "My prefect badge was taken away. I'll live."
Chillinger shook his head. "Not as you did. People are watching you, Malfoy.
People know there's a wolf underneath that ragged sheep's carcass you wear."
"A snake,you mean."
"A snake in sheep's clothing, yes. I have been watching you. Learning about you.
I know what you tried to do to Rubeus Hagrid. I know about Buckbeak. Until that
reprimand, there were no behavioral blemishes on your record, except for one
detention in your first year. You're careful. I know you're on a path into darkness
you only think you can comprehend. What I wanted to talk to you about is Harry
Potter."
Draco rolled his eyes.
"You know how many kids grew up hearing about Harry Potter? My entire generation.
And believe me, we all wanted to be Harry Potter's friend. I wanted to be Potter's
friend-"
"Yes, Malfoy, I've heard all about your people skills."
"What about Potter?" Malfoy asked,suddenly cranky.
"Draco, are you familiar with Nietzche?"
"Professor Snape's recommended him a few times. Him and Machiavelli."
"He."
"What?"
"HE and Machiavelli."
Draco slumped in his chair.
----
"Is he gone?" Minerva asked.
Dumbledore took his eyes from the road.
"He is," Dumbledore said. "Minerva, there's so many things I didn't tell him-"
They exchanged handkerchiefs.
"We must be strong," Minerva said.
"He's my strength," Dumbledore said. "...as are you. As you have always been."
"I'm so lucky," she said,kissing his cheek; he kissed her; for a moment, they were
one, like an ancient sculpture...missing a piece.
-----
Hagrid burst into tears the second Harry was gone.
"Yeh know I love 'im, don't yeh?"
Addie nodded. "I know, Hagrid." She stood beside him, wiping his eyes dry, which
was hard, because he was sobbing so; she could have killed an army of slugs with
the salt from his tears. "Of course I know," she said. She usually tried to distance
herself from her students, except when they needed help. Harry,though, Harry had such
a sweet concern for life, almost as acute as Neville Longbottom's. There would always
be an intangible bond between them, terrible though it was, as he had brought
Cedric Diggory's body back from their abduction by Voldemort. Last year, she
had read the interview he'd given about that night, and it had moved her to tears.
"E's the reason I gave up drinkin'...well, most drinkin'...yeh didn't know me
when I was hittin' the bottle."
"And Harry made you stop."
"'E made me wanna stop. I remembered the bleedin' Muggles 'e lives with,
and I wanted ta be different. I wanted ta be like 'is own father, an' now...Addie,
I feel like I'm 'bout ta lose m'own son."
Hagrid looked at her.
"Everyone I love is gonna die."
-----
"Can I ask a question?" Marge asked. "Why is Harry the only one who can kill...
whatsisname?"
"Voldemort," Hermione said.
Ron winced. She hit him.
"You'd have to ask Harry," she said.
"How is he?"
"He looks awful," Hermione said.
"I'm fine," Harry announced.
"You're burning up, Harry."
"It's my scar," Harry said. "Are we close to the plant?"
"Getting closer by the second," Marge said.
"The prophecy," Harry said.
"What-"
----
"-about Potter?" Draco asked.
"Are you familiar with the Nietzchean concept of the Superman?"
Draco smirked. "Are you saying that Potter fits Nietszche's ideal of a Superman?"
"Such people are exceptional and should not be expected to be chained by society's
every little rule."
"Nietzche never said that. You're getting him confused with-I don't remember her
name, but-"
"You are holding Potter back, Malfoy. Not in a terribly serious way. More like
a malfunctioning broom, or a faulty Bludger...or a mosquito, bereft of stinger.
Well, my boy-"
the other two Chillingers left the original, and moved behind Draco. He couldn't
see what they were doing.
"-mosquitoes usually get squashed."
Suddenly, one of the Chillingers reached around Draco and pulled his arms around
the back of the chair. Draco cried out in surprise, and had no time to suck a
breath of air before the bag closed over his head.
----
Wiggum handed Mrs. Riddle his backup piece.
"Just in case," he said.
"A gun?" she asked. "I don't-"
"You might need it," he said.
"All right," she said.
He smiled. "Great. Now I'm not so worried."
---
"-The prophecy is about me," Harry said.
"Seriously?" Ron asked.
"Either I kill Voldemort or he'll kill me."
He repeated the prophecy to them. It had practically been burnt into his brain.
"That's the prophecy?" Hermione asked.
"It was made by Professor Trelawney," Harry said. "There are two people
it could have been about...either me or Neville. Voldemort marked me, so
I'm the one who-"
"Maybe Trelawney was wrong," Ron said. "In fact, she probably WAS wrong. And
how is Neville-"
"We have the same birthday," Harry said. "July thirty-first."
There was a moment of silence.
"There are things I don't know," he said.
"What things?" Hermione asked.
"The room," Harry said. "The room we couldn't get into. Dumbledore told me
it's always kept locked and what's inside is..." he tried to remember. "'More
terrible than death, and..." Nausea swept over him. "Oh, GOD. Stop the car."
Mrs. Simpson stopped in the middle of an intersection. Harry opened his door
and let loose a torrential jet of emesis.
----
"So," Selma said, "You can read my mind?"
"Oh, dear, like a book." Mrs. Riddle smiled. "Yours is especially raunchy."
"Are you still here?" Snape asked.
Selma grinned at him.
"Sure," she said.
He scowled.
"What is it?"
"I'd deeply appreciate it if you'd leave."
"I'd like to stay here."
"I wouldn't advise it."
"Are you going to make me leave?"
"I-"
"What'll you do, take POINTS from my HOUSE?"
He gave her a look of utter hatred.
----
Draco stopped thrashing.
"Hrmmmf hrmff mhrfff grffff-"
Chillinger took the bag off his head.
"Sir, what the bloody hell are you doing?"
Chillinger looked up at the other two of him.
"You IDIOTS. This is a PAPER bag."
"You wanted plastic?"
"I KNEW I should've gotten plastic."
"Relax," he said. "I knew this would happen."
"My FATHER-"
"Oh, your father," said Chillinger, and slipped the plastic bag over Draco's head.
-----
"A room full of love?" Marge asked.
"Dumbledore told me, years ago," Harry said. "Voldemort doesn't understand love,
and that's how I got him out of me last year...I thought about Sirius..."
"Sirius?"
"My godfather," Harry said. "He's dead. He was killed."
Harry thought for a second.
"He couldn't stand being in my body or my mind while I was feeling such strong
emotion. I...practiced all summer, thinking about...everyone...you guys. Dumbledore-"
He stopped again.
"Dumbledore told me he loved me yesterday."
"I could have told you THAT," Hermione said.
"Huh?"
"An idiot could see how much he loves you. Whenever you've been flat on your
back,unconscious in the infirmary, who do you think is the first one at your
side? He worries about you as if he were-" She stopped. "Harry?"
Harry's eyes had rolled back into his head.
-----
It didn't take long for Draco Malfoy to suffocate.
"Oh, I think he's DEAD," said Chillinger's id.
"He looks dead," said his ego.
"He IS dead," said Chillinger. He supposed he was the superego. Sometimes it
was difficult to tell what exactly that witch had intended.
"Where are we going to put him?"
"Where do you think?"
"That's why he's asking, I think."
"Since you asked...I think we'll let Ronan have him. He hasn't eaten in a while."
-----
"Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort VOLDEMORT-"
"Be QUIET-"
"You're just so accustomed to picking on people who can't fight back without
consequences, you've lost the ability to emotionally connect with anyone."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Spare me."
"Is something the matter, Severus?"
Snape didn't even have to turn around.
"Well, sir...I'm attempting to convince Selma that the best place to be
right now is not neccessarily around me."
"Severus, I suggest you-"
He spun around on his heel. "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST,you silly old bastard?
For years, I have been putting up with your nursery-rhyme nonsense without a
a word of dissent, but right now I feel like I could say just about ANYTHING-"
----
Marge ducked.
"There's an owl in the car," she said.
"Hedwig," Harry said. She flew to him.
"She knows," Hermione said.
"I have to do this," Harry told her. "Ron, would you take Hedwig if I-"
For the first time, the fact that this might be his last moments with Harry
sank in. He bit his lip, and nodded.
Hedwig screeched, more upset than Harry had ever seen her.
----
"Hell," Hagrid said, "It could be worse."
He blew his nose.
"Instead of a complete outcast, I coulda-"
"You're not a complete outcast."
"I ain't welcome in either world."
"That's not true. People look up to you."
"They ain't got a choice."
Sprout laughed.
"See?" she said,in the midst of her laughter. "You make people laugh, Hagrid.
You make people feel good about themselves. We all love you, even Snape. I certainly
wouldn't have moved in on you if-"
"You moved in on me? Nah. If I remember correctly-wait, yeah, you did make the
first move. I woulda, but-"
"We belong together, Hagrid. We are of the earth, the soil, the rain-"
----
"WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?"
He stopped in front of the picnic bench.
"Somethin' wrong, Professor?"
"Yes, something's wrong, Hagrid." He said this through gritted teeth. "I'm tired
of looking at you. I don't know why Dumbledore keeps you around. You're like a
a...a big ugly mongrel that keeps getting kicked around and keeps coming back
for more-"
"Somethin' IS wrong," Hagrid said.
"I must agree," said Dumbledore, behind Snape. "Severus...I know you would never
consider speaking to us like this unless a great burden is on your mind. Therefore,
we shall not take offense at what you said...or might say in the near future."
"What I...MIGHT say?"
----
The door opened, and a shaft of light sliced through the decrepit room.
Ronan winced. Then he raised his head from the filthy floor.
He came down the stairs, one by one.
Each of them carried a bundle in their arms.
"Afternoon,Ronan," Chillinger said. "Did you think I forgot about you?"
He dropped the bundles in front of Ronan, and thanked Merlin the Imperius
Curse worked on centaurs.
"Smells human," Ronan said. "Have you brought me an innocent?"
"This one wasn't what I'd call innocent."
"I ate a spider yesterday. It was easy because I named it after you."
Chillinger laughed.
"There are no stars down here," Ronan said. "Can you at least tell me where
Mars is tonight?"
"I wouldn't know Mars from Jupiter."
The three of them turned as one.
"See you later," he said.
---
"I saw him," Harry said. "He's in this big room, and there's a door-"
"The reactor," Marge said. "Oh my God."
"How far is it?" Harry asked.
"It's not far," Marge said. "Oh, I hope Homey is all right."
"Your husband works at the plant?" Ron asked.
"He's the safety inspector," said Marge. "Can you see him?"
"I'm sorry, I don't," Harry said.
Marge stomped on the accelerator.
-----
Ralph woke up.
There was an old lady smiling down at him.
----
"Severus, what is it? You know I'll listen, whatever it is."
"No," Severus said. "There's only one thing you can do for me."
Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder. "What is it?"
Severus brushed his hand off. "Get away from me. I don't want any more of your
guidance, or your friendship. You are nothing to me. You never were."
He turned away, just as the three o'clock bell rang.
----
Moody came across Lupin, sleeping on a bench, near the statue of Jebediah
Springfield. He looked sicker than usual.
He shook Remus awake.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"Nearly three," Moody said. "Rough night?"
Remus put his hands over his face. "I'm hung over."
"Just thought you should know...Harry has gone after Voldemort."
"He has? Wh-" He tried to get up, but quickly relented.
After a moment, he said,"So...this could be it."
"Could be," Moody said.
"I never even got to say goodbye."
"Hell of a kid," Moody said.
"Damn right," Remus said.
----
Marge pulled into the parking lot.
"Oh my Lord," she said.
There were people sprawled everywhere.
"I don't want to drive over these people," she said.
"That's okay," Harry said. "Thank you for the ride."
He opened the door, and got out.
"Harry, wait," Hermione said.
She joined him outside. So did Ron.
"Well," Harry said. "This is it."
"Harry, you have to live," Hermione said. "Nothing will be the same without you."
"We had a great time together," Harry said. "You guys are the best."
Hermione and Ron threw themselves at Harry.
A moment passed, with the three of them entangled.
"Time for me to go," Harry said. "Name one of your kids after me."
Hermione kissed him on the cheek.
Then she climbed back into the car, leaving Ron and Harry alone.
They stared at each other.
"I wish you didn't have to do this," Ron said. "It isn't fair."
"I don't know what to say, Ron. Just that you were the best friend and the
best brother anyone ever had."
Ron grinned. "My pleasure, mate." He put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Now go in there
and permanently incapacitate his arse."
He sat in the car, beside Hermione. Mrs. Simpson backed out of the lot, and
burned rubber down the street.
----
The three o'clock bell rang.
The door to Hagrid's place burst open.
On top of Mrs. Riddle's shoulders, Ralph laughed. "Look, Daddy, I'm a tumor-"
"Hey,Ralphie,be careful up there-"
The back doors opened. Edna Krabappel stretched as she emerged from the building.
"My gosh, it's gloomy out here," she said. "Mrs. Riddle, I hate to ask, but
could you help me?"
"Just let me put down Ralphie first," she said. She put Ralph down.
Then she followed Edna Krabappel into the building.
---
"Are all the children gone?" Dumbledore asked.
"Except for the Wiggum boy," McGonagall said. "They've all gone home."
A car jumped the curb and pulled onto the grass. Mrs. Simpson looked
frantic; Ron and Hermione were quite upset as well.
"Professor Dumbledore," said Mrs. Simpson,"I can't find Lisa."
----
Lucius Malfoy met Harry at the door,but there was no need for action. The man's
insides were spilling out of his stomach, despite his best efforts to hold them
in. He had plunged his arms into himself, in an effort to delay the inevitable.
Harry turned away when it happened.
"Good riddance," he said.
----
Sarah Wiggum woke up alone.
She wondered where Clancy and Ralph were.
----
"Where'd they go?" Sprout asked.
"Lookin' for Lisa," Hagrid said.
"I don't think I met Lisa."
"Hermione Granger, age eight."
---
Harry had seen Weylon Smithers in his head, and that was how he identified
the body lying just outside Mr. Burns's office. Of course, there were no
signs of any kind of trauma. It was as if he'd just fallen over dead.
He opened the door to the office, but the room was empty.
----
"What did you need?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"Oh...it's one of Seymour's diplomas. I can't get it to stay on the wall-"
---
Dumbledore had stayed behind, because he was worried about Snape, but he promised
to catch up with them.
"Do you have any of Lisa's personal effects in the car?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"No," Marge said. "Why?"
"I'm somewhat of a psychometrician."
"Huh?"
---
Five minutes later, Harry found Homer Simpson.
He had died near the vending machines; the machine had failed to deliver the
Whatchamacallit bar, and above it, aborted delivery of a donut. Harry figured
it was the last thing Mr. Simpson ever saw.
From his position, it probably looked like an angel.
"Sorry," Harry said.
Nearby, a black man sat at a table. He was shaking,but alive.
"Hi," Harry said.
"Huh...h-hah...hey."
"Are you okay?"
"Muh-my blood's...disappearing. Muh...Mr. Burns k-k-killed everybody. Did
suh-something to me."
"It's not Burns," Harry said. "There's something inside him."
"You...g-guh-gotta stop him...whu-what's your name?"
"Harry. Harry Potter."
"Carl. Carl Cuh-cuh-Carlson."
There was a blanket nearby.
Harry wrapped it around him.
"Thanks...I'm still...c-c-cold."
"I'll stay with you," Harry said.
Carl shook his head. "Nah. Go."
----
"I swear, I put those stupid screws here."
Edna placed the screwdriver on the desk.
Mrs. Riddle's attention wandered down to the screwdriver.
----
In the parking lot, Snape ran into Principal Skinner.
"Oh, hello, young man. You're Snape, aren't you?"
"Severus Snape," said Snape. "I don't suppose you're headed home."
"I certainly am. Do you need a ride?"
"...yes."
"Is something wrong?"
"Something is wrong, yes."
"Running's not the answer," Skinner said.
"There's no right answer here," Snape said.
He lunged at Skinner.
----
For a moment, the only two people in the room were Harry and Burns.
"Ahhhh," he said. He looked like an ancient grasshoper. "We've been waiting for you,
young man."
Then there were two of them; Burns and Voldemort.
Voldemort looked bad. He had wasted away considerably since last year.
He turned to Burns, and then the man was ten feet in the air, gasping for breath,
his legs windmilling.
Burns dropped to the floor.
Voldemort frowned at Harry.
----
Skinner grabbed Snape by the hand, and drew him into his knee. He imagined a
BOFF! sound effect exploding above their heads.
Snape staggered back, and then tried it again.
"This is a waste of time," Skinner said, dodging him.
Snape fell to the pavement, then launched himself off of it.
Skinner tripped him this time, and then put him in a full nelson
(nelson muntz?)
"Stop it," Skinner said, as Snape fought.
----
"What are you doing here, Potter?"
"I've come to realize that I'll never really be able to defeat you, so I'm
here to join forces with you."
"Are you serious, Potter?"
"No," he said. "I'm Harry."
"Don't test my patience, Potter."
"Don't tell me what to do," Harry said. He held the bag out to Voldemort. "Lemon
drop?"
----
Skinner's diploma fell off the wall again.
Edna blew a breath of air that disturbed her hair.
She looked down at the desk.
"Where's the screwdriver?"
----
"Potter, it is because of you that I am in this condition," Voldemort said. "It
was right there, in your tiny little mind, and I missed it."
"Guess my mind isn't as useless as you thought," Harry said.
Voldemort scowled. Harry's scar erupted in pain, and Harry swayed on his feet.
"You needn't fight," Burns said,twisted on the floor. "Think of the power,boy."
Voldemort looked down at Burns.
"You have outlived your usefulness," he said.
"Oh, I don't know about that-"
"ADAVA KEDAVRA!"
"No-"
Green light slammed into Burns, and that was the end of him.
----
"I'm surprised, Severus," Dumbledore said. "In all our time together, I have
never known you to do anything like this."
Snape couldn't look at him.
"Why won't you forsake me?"
"You know why, Severus."
----
"And now," Voldemort said, "You're next, Potter."
"That's the prophecy," Harry said.
"That I would kill you? We both knew that would happen."
"No," Harry said. "That's not the prophecy."
"No matter," Voldemort said. "Besides, I'm perfectly aware you're not going down
without a pointless display of defiance, piddling though it might be. Now raise your
wand."
"Hang on a second," Harry said. "First, tell me what you're doing here."
"Oh," Voldemort said. "Right. Well, you've got my mother, so I put my ultimate
contingency plan into effect. I'm going to step into the reactor, absorb all the
radiation, and finally achieve my dream of immortality."
Good, Harry thought. Have fun playing in the nuclear reactor.
"And now," he said, "For my other bid at immortality. Draw your wand, Potter."
It happens now, Harry thought. One of us dies right now.
Harry pulled his wand from his pocket.
---
"It was right here, just a second ago."
"Maybe it fell under the desk," Mrs. Riddle said. "I can't,dear,my back-"
Krabappel nodded.
----
Then he remembered something.
"Can I ask a question?"
"A question." Voldemort looked amused. "Very well."
"Is there any other reason you're bent on killing me, other than the reasons I
know?"
"That depends. What do you know? Never mind, I'll just draw it out of your head."
He pointed his wand at Harry. "Legillimens."
He never even recieved the first thought.
Between them, there was an explosion of light.
Voldemort looked at Harry from the floor.
"You've been practicing," he said.
---
Snape looked at the group in front of him.
"Let us help you, Severus," Dumbledore said.
"No one can help me."
----
"You're only prolonging the inevitable. You knew this moment was coming, Potter.
To answer your question, yes, I targeted you for death, you foolish boy, but don't
you realize what your death will do to Dumbledore?"
Harry's mouth fell open. "So...this entire time..."
-he tried to get Dumbledore to KILL me last year-
and then he thought:
oh god, THAT'S what's worse than death-
"The ultimate intent of all this is to break Dumbledore. There, I said it. Are
you satisfied, Potter?"
"Well, I've just put several things in perspective," Harry said.
"Nothing like a clear conscience before the moment arrives," Voldemort said.
"I'm amazed you don't see it," Harry said.
"See what?"
(you can't see that there are things worse than death. Different ways of destroying
a man. Dumbledore told him-)
"What's worse than death?"
"NOTHING!"
"YES, actually there ARE, you great thick prat."
"Don't you dare-"
"It's because of YOU that I'm talking this way," Harry said. "So live with it. I've
had to live without my parents-" and so has Dumbledore and if I die-
"Is that what's worse than death?"
"So you finally figured it out." Harry clapped politely. "Very good, Tom."
"Don't call me that."
"Why not,TOM?"
"You little brat, I am Lord Voldemort."
"You're a delusional old fart."
Voldemort raised his wand.
Harry closed his eyes.
He allowed the tip of his wand to touch the spot over his heart.
----
"Found it," Edna said, and slapped the screwdriver onto the desk in front of
Mrs. Riddle.
----
A lot of things went through Harry's mind.
He knew Dumbledore loved him, and so did the Weasleys. He supposed his teachers
loved him, or had at least grown fond of him. He had wonderful friends who cared
deeply about him, and a place that felt like home in Hogwarts and a wonderful world
filled with people who believed in him.
The question was this: was he capable of loving them in return?
-----
Mrs. Riddle picked up the screwdriver.
-----
"Where's Mrs. Riddle?" Snape asked.
-----
A moment later, he had the answer.
"Yes," he said,his eyes still closed. He said it out loud, in open defiance of
Voldemort's hatred. He thought of them all, even Snape. He thought of his parents
and Sirius and Dumbledore and McGonagall and he got to where he was thinking about
Grawp and Florian Fortescue and Mr. Ollivander and Doris Crockford and Tom at the
Leaky Cauldron and that Daedalus Diggle guy-
I call upon you all. I may be here, alone, but you are all with me-
----
Deep within the Ministry Of Magic lay the Department Of Mysteries. A year ago,
there had been a ferocious battle there, and the damage had been sanitized. You'd
never know anything had happened.
In the darkness, there was movement. A figure, shadowed in darkness, moved across
the floor, wand out, hands shaking. He knew this room. He'd had to scourgify the
Xs that had been burnt onto the door by Hermione Granger. Of course, they could
not open the one door. The door that was always locked.
The door.
Light crept out from under the door.
"What-"
Slowly, the door creaked open, and filled the larger room with light.
He walked across the room, and stood in the doorway.
What he saw dropped his jaw.
The walls and ceiling and floor were covered with pictures of Harry Potter.
Every one of the pictures were moving. In the front of the room was a screen.
As he watched, the screen came to life.
Strangely enough, he was familiar with the person onscreen. He had sort of gone
astray from the man, and he felt bad about it. It was a surprise to see
Albus Dumbledore up there, smiling at the camera. "Hello," he said, his
voice filling the room. He cleared his throat. "If you are listening to this
message, it means that Harry Potter has unlocked the door, the key to which
is Harry himself. This room is not finished yet, and will not be complete
until the end of Harry's life, which I, for one, hope does not come for a
long, long time. Please do not touch anything in this room, as the entire display is
in sync with Harry's brainwaves and heartbeat, and changes in deference to Harry's
mood." Dumbledore paused. "At this moment, Harry may be gathering strength from the
people who love him, myself included. If you see yourself among these pictures,
consider yourself very lucky-"
----
Voldemort burst out laughing.
It was a very diabolical laugh.
"What are you doing?" he said,barely able to control himself.
"What do you care?"
"I just...before you die, Potter, I just want to thank you. For giving me the
biggest laugh I've had in a long time."
"As long as it's the last one."
They tried to outdraw each other.
Voldemort shouted the Killing Curse.
Harry just let his arm fall towards Voldemort-
-and Harry felt a strange prickling course through him, and all at once
it escaped, through his wand, a silvery wall of energy that met the emerald
light streaking towards Harry and absorbed it, and moved through Voldemort as if it
were a knife and his skin were warm butter. It also eradicated the wall behind him.
Voldemort's lips moved, but he formed no coherent words.
There was a smoking crater in his chest; his insides had been blackened.
He dropped the wand.
Then he fell.
Harry picked Voldemort's wand from the ground.
He cracked the wand in half over his knee.
There was a phoenix feather inside it. Harry wondered if Fawkes would want it
back. It had been the core of a wicked wizard's wand,but-
An alarm sounded, making Harry cover his ears.
"The reactor has been breached," said a cool automated voice. "This is not
a drill. Please follow your emergency action plan..."
"Oh no," Harry said.
----
Mrs. Riddle grimaced. Her grip on the screwdriver tightened.
Edna was talking about Skinner, but Mrs. Riddle couldn't hear her.
She put a hand to her mouth to hold any emotional outbursts.
Krabappel made a happy sound. "Here they are," she said, a
box of screws in her hand.
Of course, she dropped the box.
Mrs. Riddle looked from her to the screwdriver and back again, watching
her rummage around on the floor.
----
Snape clutched at his chest.
"Oh, Merlin," he said. "He did it."
"Severus, what is it?"
"I'm having a heart attack," Snape said.
----
"All right," Edna said, "Now we're-"
These were her last coherent words.
As she stood, Mrs. Riddle rammed the screwdriver through her neck. She went
down gurgling.
Mrs. Riddle left the office, just in time to see Principal Skinner running down
the hallway. "Call 911," he said, and instead, she reached into her pocket,
pulled out Chief Wiggum's backup piece and shot Skinner right between the eyes;
the bullet tore through the back of his head and sprayed the area behind him with
powder-burnt brain matter.
The music room door opened, and a gray-haired man emerged, looking naturally severe.
He raised his eyebrows when he saw Skinner, but by that time, she had her wand out.
"Gastronomordre," she said, and her curse hit Dewey Largo, who managed to say
"Ohhhh-" and clutched at his stomach-
"You gotta love the Entrail-Expelling Curse," she told him, just before the
familiar sound of rupturing bowels made the front of his shirt bulge outwards.
She looked at the clock on the wall. Three people in thirty seconds. Oh my.
"More," she groaned.
---
Dumbledore caught him, and followed him on the way to the ground.
"Haven't you ever wondered why I'm so awful to Potter?"
"I know why, Severus. His father-"
"Yes, his father stole Lily from me...but there's something more...ask Professor
Trelawney about the third prophecy. It's about to come true."
"A third prophecy?" Dumbledore asked.
"One that ensured Potter would be the death of me."
"Isn't there something we can do?" Selma asked.
"There's gotta be somethin'," Hagrid said.
"Get me to a garbage disposal unit and stick my arm inside," Snape said.
"Severus," Dumbledore said, "You never said-"
"I never told you...surprised you didn't know...when the Dark Lord
dies, all his followers follow...rather like that Muggle whose name
eludes me...he headed a cult called The People's Temple? Jim something. Ah
yes...Jim Jones."
He looked up at Dumbledore.
"I...apologize."
"You don't need to apologize to me," Dumbledore said.
"I...never thought you were a fool...you were my mentor...the father I could
have had..."
"Can we get you a priest or something?" Wiggum asked.
"Don't you dare try to cleanse my soul," Snape said."Nothing can erase the things
I've done." He looked at Sprout. "Tell Minerva...I couldn't have asked
for a better rival."
Professor Sprout wiped at her eyes. "Oh, Severus-"
"Don't cry for me," Severus said. "I'm already dead."
He looked up at Hagrid.
"Thank you for trying, Hagrid. Keep Hogwarts beautiful. You and Sprout. Some
of the most peaceful moments I've had...they were strolling on the grounds, searching
for ingredients."
"Yeh got it, Professor."
A loud popping noise came from inside the school.
"That was a gunshot," Wiggum said. "Excuse me."
He ran towards the school.
Snape shivered.
"Don't worry, Severus," Dumbledore said.
"Sir?"
"Death is but the next great adventure," Dumbledore said.
"Thank you, sir. I'd like you to have my books. Shakespeare and Machiavelli and...
and...and-Nietzsche and-oh...my God-"
With those words, Severus Snape died.
----
Wiggum ran into Superintendent Chalmers on the way into the school. He looked
weird. It was his face; he could see through it, skull and muscles and brain and
everything. "Superintedent Chalmers?"
Chalmers opened his mouth to speak. It was like letting the air out of a balloon.
A horrible squeaking noise issued from his mouth, followed by a huge, pressurized
jet of blood, as his head deflated down to a featurless nub, and he fell over dead.
----
"Where's Tonks?" Remus asked.
"Haven't seen her for awhile." Moody said.
Lupin staggered to his feet. "Well...hope she's all right. I hope Harry's all right."
He looked over at the statue of Jebediah Springfield.
"This bloke watches over everybody," Remus said. To the statue, he yelled "Keep
Harry safe, Jeb, old man. We care about him more than we can possibly elaborate."
----
Hagrid picked the object out of Snape's hand.
"What is this?"
Dumbledore took it from him and looked at the flower.
"I believe it's called a-"
He disappeared.
"Bloody hell," Hagrid said. "A portkey."
"I hope he went somewhere nice," Sprout said.
----
"Leee-saaa-"
Marge met Professor McGonagall in the living room.
"She's not in her room," McGonagall said.
"She's not in the house," Marge said. "Where IS she-"
"I'm sure she'll turn up."
Dumbledore materialized in the room, just behind them.
"Albus," McGonagall cried.
He got to his feet.
"Severus is dead, Minerva."
McGonagall put a hand to her mouth.
---
Hagrid emerged from the hut. "E's not in there," Hagrid said.
"Who?"
"The kid," Hagrid said. "Ralph. And his mother-"
"Is Fang in there?"
"Fang's asleep."
"Where did Selma go?"
"She ran off."
Every window in the school exploded. A moment later, the building sagged, as
if its foundation had been rocked.
"It's that woman," Sprout said.
"We gotta stop 'er."
"I guess we do."
He swept her off the ground, holding her as they kissed.
---
There was no one left to kill.
She smiled down at the Wiggums. She had picked them off, one,two,three, as
easily as trampling ants. The lights in the hallway flickered; her last
indulgence had really taken a lot of energy, and ended up wasting the building.
A great crack in the ceiling led down the hallway.
"Well," she told Clancy Wiggum, "Thanks for the gun."
She dropped it next to his hand.
At that moment, the back doors were thrown open.
"There ya are," the giant said.
She grinned. He would be a lot of fun.
"Don't hurt me," she said.
The huge man frowned.
As she backed through the front doors, she thought about his various habits, how he
ate, drank, slept. She knew a lot about him, having seen him in her head, asleep,
awake, clothed and nude. She knew he did not leave jobs undone. He would not
quit until he had her.
Smiling, she ducked out the front door.
---
Marge froze.
"Maggie," she said. "WHERE'S MAGGIE?"
---
"Got 'er," Hagrid said.
"Be careful," Sprout told him.
---
Hagrid stepped past fallen posters, over the contents of spilled lockers.
A few uncaged hamsters ran past him.
The lights flickered, like some kind of code.
He paused just before the front doors, just in case she were right there.
"Hagrid-" Sprout yelled.
He started to turn, but Mrs. Riddle had jumped on his back, climbing him, and
as he raised his arms, trying to throw her off, she slashed at his hands with-
-where'd she get that knife? he thought, and then she stabbed him in the back-
-----
-and ripped the knife free, stabbed him again and again and again, and he crashed
against the wall, so that she would let go, but she would not let go-
-----
"Stay away, Sprout," Hagrid yelled, concerned for her safety alone. Screw
safety, Hagrid NEEDED her-
----
and then Hagrid slammed into a glass case that read IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS.
There was an axe behind the case. He stuck his arms through the already shredded
glass, and pulled out the axe; his arms burned. He could barely hold it, but he
swung it upwards and behind him, knocking the knife away, and on his second swing,
he connected with bone, he could FEEL it-
----
-fire consumed her left arm. She fell off of the giant, staggering away; it
was difficult because there was a fire ax protruding from her shoulder. She staggered
outside, and then saw exactly what she needed.
---
Hagrid stepped through the doorway, outside.
He was not prepared.
He did see the telephone pole rocketing towards him, but all he had time to
do was think "Blimey, she uprooted one of them telephone poles-" and then it sailed
through his stomach and out his back.
"Got you," she said; she was covered in sweat and blood.
Hagrid screamed in pain. He actually screamed. The bitch impaled me on a telephone
pole! he thought. He fought not to black out. By God, he would fight her to his
last breath.
"That has to hurt," she said.
"Eh," Hagrid said. It hurt to laugh; he laughed anyway.
She picked up a severed power line from the ground. It danced in her grasp,
spitting lethal voltage.
"I've heard giants are hard to kill," she said. "Now I know."
"You ain't killed me yet," Hagrid said, through gritted teeth. He could taste blood.
"I think a spot of electrocution will do the trick," she said. Then she put the
line down. "No. Far too quick."
With her good arm, she picked up the axe.
"I think this will do," she said. "You know, Tom got his looks from his father.
I'm proud to say that he got his nasty little homicidal impulse from me..."
She placed the blade at his neck.
"This is going to be one-handed," she said. "You know, it took the executioner
eighteen blows with the axe before Mary, Queen Of Scots's head came off? I think
I'm about to set some sort of record."
She reared back; Hagrid closed his eyes, and-
---
"Uh...Remus?"
"What is it?"
"This statue," Moody said.
----
-Sprout fired.
The arrow struck Mrs. Riddle in the small of her back. She gave a cry of surprise.
But she didn't go down.
----
"What about the statue?"
Moody looked down at Lupin.
----
Sprout fired again. This time, the arrow split Mrs. Riddle's skull.
She turned around and kind of grinned at Sprout.
"Your turn," she said.
----
"God, I can't find Maggie or Marge and Homer's at the plant-"
Dumbledore had no magic potions to calm her down. As if she would under
any circumstances.
There was a knock at the door.
Marge ran to the door.
----
Sprout reloaded Hagrid's crossbow, and fired again.
The arrow sunk deep into the monster's heart.
Mrs. Riddle's legs gave out. Finally, she fell, dead before she hit the ground.
---
"I need my pills," Grandpa said.
Marge slammed the door.
----
"I'm so sorry, Hagrid," Sprout said.
"I've 'ad worse," Hagrid said.
"We have to get this out of you."
"Yeh think?"
"There's a spell that turns wood into water," she said. "Uh..."
"Yeh don't know it?"
"I know it. Just give me a second."
---
"Would you look at this thing?" Moody said.
"What's wrong with the bloody statue?"
"It's...Remus-"
"Remus, this statue is crying."
Moody showed Lupin his fingers, dripping with tears of blood.
Lupin tried to make sense of it.
He looked towards the power plant.
----
The wood dissolved.
Hagrid was still badly wounded.
"Good shootin', by the way."
He grinned.
Amazingly, he could walk under his own power.
Inside the school, she sat him down in the Principal's office.
"I'm so cold," he said.
She found a blanket and wrapped it around him.
"I'll get help," she said.
She backed into the hallway.
----
For a moment, everything froze.
Then, the sky went white.
Anyone caught outside had their shadows burnt into the ground, or to the sides of
houses and buildings and cars.
----
Ron stared at the mushroom cloud, and the wave of oncoming destruction.
He felt Hermione next to him.
"Ron?"
He turned to her.
She kissed him.
Then she pulled back.
"Blimey," he said.
In spite of everything, they smiled at each other.
He looked back; Armageddon was nearly upon them.
Ron took Hermione's hands.
He kissed her.
Then he sat down in the middle of the street.
She sat beside him.
"It's so beautiful," Hermione said-
It came and went, leaving nothing in its path.
----
The Comic Book Guy stood outside his shop,shaking his fists.
He managed to say "You idiots, this has already been DONE once-" before he was taken.
----
The most ridiculous death belonged to Adrianna Sprout.
When the nuclear reactor went, of course, there was a tremendous nuclear explosion
that flattened a lot of buildings. Springfield Elementary was not one of them. The
only damage it caused was to blow the front doors off their hinges, and Sprout
was in their way.
---
Bart stood by the lake, watching the giant squid.
All of a sudden, he felt hot.
He turned, in time to see Hogwarts disappear into something he always knew he
would see firsthand. Of course, seconds later, it took him too.
---
Harry appeared in the living room, unconscious.
"Harry," Dumbledore exclaimed.
---
Harry woke up in darkness.
He knew his eyes were open.
Panicking, he searched with his hands.
"Hello? Please, is someone-"
Everything felt so heavy.
"Harry," said a familiar voice.
"Professor?"
"Yes, Harry, it's me."
"Oh, Professor, I'm blind. I-"
Dumbledore caught his hands.
He realized Dumbledore was holding him. "Sshhh."
Harry quieted down. He might have lost consciousness. It was so hard to tell.
"I killed Voldemort," he said. "But I ruptured the reactor, sir. Was there
an explosion?"
"There was."
"It's my fault," Harry said, and he felt tears coursing down his cheeks. "I
thought of home-"
Dumbledore said nothing.
"Sir...am I burnt?"
"No," Dumbledore said.
---
My beautiful boy,no.
---
"I killed Voldemort, sir. But I blew up the reactor. I blew it up. I've destroyed
the world and killed myself-" He cried out, and had a violent convulsion. Dumbledore
held him steady, even though he felt helpless. Harry was going to die and there was
nothing he could do but make him as comfortable as possible.
---
Wait, what about Fawkes?
---
The radiation would kill him, and then he would be reborn, a helpless chick, and
then the radiation would do him in again and the cycle would repeat for all
eternity, his beloved companion never really living or dying, in a state of constant
rebirth. And Maggie-oh, poor, sweet Maggie. Fawkes had undoubtedly tried to heal
her. There would be no rush of magnificent crimson wings in the window, nothing to
assuage Harry's pain or heal his terrible injuries.
"Where's Homer?"
"Mrs. Simpson?" Harry asked.
"Did you see Homer?"
"Yeah...I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson...he's dead."
He heard her choke back a sob. Then, he heard her rapid footsteps running from the
room.
"I knew it would happen like this," Harry said. "I don't care, as long as he's dead."
"Harry-"
"What's my life in comparison to the safety of the entire world?"
---
I should have known.
I have to tell him. He has to know.
---
"There are some things you should know."
"Well," Harry said, "Now's a good time."
"I wanted to tell you these things a thousand times-"
"But you couldn't," Harry said, on the edge of dreams. "For my safety, right?"
"Exactly."
"Tell me," Harry said.
---
The short version, he thought, and felt terrible.
---
"It's so hard to think," Harry said.
"Then just listen," Dumbledore said. "You've undoubtedly wondered about all the
money in your vault?"
"Give it to the Weasleys," Harry said, losing consciousness again.
When he woke up, he could hear rain outside. Dumbledore was humming.
"It's raining?"
"Yes," Dumbledore said. "It is."
"What were we talking about?"
"The money in your vault. Annually, more is added. You never noticed...well, because
you don't live for money, Harry. I imagine it embarrassed you at times."
"Yeah...sometimes...how did my parents get it?"
"That money is basically the equivalent of an accumulation of tax returns."
"Taxes on what?"
"Hogwarts."
Harry tried to think about this, but it was so hard.
"What does that mean,sir?"
"That you are the legal owner of Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
"You're putting me on."
"No," Dumbledore said.
"I don't-"
"You are the last descendant of Godric Gryffindor. As such..."
"I...don't believe it."
"I know you love Hogwarts. It has always felt like home, hasn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Now you know why."
Then he cried out, and Dumbledore felt his pain. He rode the wave of agony.
---
It won't be long. I have to TELL him-
---
"Have you ever thought about my name?"
"Albus Percival Wulfric-"
"My first name and last name. Have you ever thought on their meaning?"
"You have a beautiful name."
"Thank you, Harry. It's French. It means "white bumblebee."
"It does?"
"It does. Now, think about that...and think about your mother's name. And your
aunts' names."
"I only have one aunt."
"You have two."
"My...mother's name was...Lily."
"Yes."
"My aunt's name is Petunia."
"Right again."
"Lily...Petunia...white bumblebee."
---
Finally.
---
"You're...my great-grandfather...or something..."
"Yes, Harry. I am."
"But who's my other aunt?"
"Promise you won't be upset."
"I promise."
"Narcissa Malfoy."
"She married Lucius Malfoy-"
"-and severed ties with me."
"And that's how she became sisters with Bellatrix Lestrange?"
"Yes."
"-and Aunt Petunia married Uncle Vernon-"
-and also severed ties with me."
"But that wasn't enough for him," Harry said. It was getting hard to breathe.
"He forced her to legally divorce herself from me. Not that she needed
encouragement," Dumbledore said, and everything just crashed down. He
couldn't stop the tears from flowing. "And that's why they're your only
relatives now."
"You have always been my grandfather."
-and all at once, he was hugging Harry, rocking him, crying with him.
"You told me...first time you saw me, you told me."
----
you see your family standing around you
----
"I had to," Dumbledore said.
"It's okay," Harry said. "I love you. It's okay."
"You love me?"
"Yes," Harry said. "I love you. But...there's one more question."
"Ask it."
"Who's my grandmother?"
Weight was added to the bed.
"Harry?"
Professor McGonagall.
Harry hurt all over, but he still smiled.
"I'm glad it's you," Harry said.
Downstairs, the telephone rang.
There was a moment of silence.
"I suppose I'll get that," she said.
She left.
"I figured something out," Harry said.
"What is that?"
"You were always Voldemort's main target. Killing me-"
"-would have killed me," Dumbledore said. "That's what's worse than death.
Living on after the ones you love are gone."
"I know," Harry said. "But I don't have long."
---
This is what Tom WANTED. THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.
---
"I remember what you said...to the well-organized mind,death is but the next great
adventure. Well...sir, it looks like I'm about to go adventuring-"
----
you're going before ME, it isn't FAIR-
----
"I can see them," he said. "My mother and father and Sirius-"
"They're here?"
"They've been here. They want me to go with them-"
Dumbledore held Harry close. He kissed the boy's burning forhead.
"Please...don't take him. Lily...James! Spare Harry-take ME-"
He reached out to the empty space.
"Take me..."
----
Minerva picked up the phone.
"Who's this?" she asked.
"Professor McGonagall? That you?"
It was Hagrid.
"Hagrid," she said. "Are you all right?"
"Nah," he said. "I'm sittin' here bleedin' ta death...I dialed HELLP MEE into the
phone...just got lucky, I guess. Mrs. Riddle went nuts...she killed
everybody...Skinner's office looks like a killin' floor...She got Mrs. Krabapple,
Skinner, Mr. Largo an' Superintendent Dick an' the Wiggums...she stabbed me a lot and
did a number on me with a telephone pole...Sprout killed her..."
"Is Addie with you?"
"She's dead," Hagrid said. "Is Harry okay?"
She felt an ache in her heart.
"He's dying, Hagrid. Radiation."
"Hell, I'll be seeing 'im soon. Voldemort's dead?"
"Yes. Yes, he is."
Silence on the other end.
"Hagrid?"
"I'm here. M'heart stopped beating for a second, there. Voldemort-"
"He's dead."
"Good. We ain't died in vain, then. I'm gonna go lie down with Sprout, I think."
"All right, Hagrid."
"Minerva?"
"Yes?"
"Remember, I always loved yeh."
"I'll remember, Hagrid. Thank you. You were special to me, as well."
"...strong woman. Yeh gotta be strong."
"I'm trying."
"Good." Another moment of silence. "I'm gonna go now, Professor. G'bye."
"Goodbye, Hagrid."
Then, the dial tone buzzed in her ear.
She put the phone down.
----
Hagrid stared at the phone for a moment.
He looked down; he sure had lost a lot of blood. The carpet was soaked.
He stood up.
His legs felt wobbly, as if they were going numb.
Codswallop. They WERE going numb.
He felt so cold.
There was a blanket draped over Skinner's chair. He took it.
In the hallway, he pulled the doors off of Addie Sprout.
Even after being crushed by the doors, she was still beautiful. The only
woman who had ever loved him.
A warm wind blew through the entrance, speckled with rain.
He laid down beside her, pulled her close, and draped the blanket over them both.
"Comin', Harry," he said, drowsy.
All the lights in the building went out.
In two minutes, Hagrid was unconscious.
In another five, he was dead.
---
"Somewhere someone's SCREAMING that the WORLD'S GONE-"
The music was lost in static.
The television spat bursts of a movie. A muggle actor named Danny Devito
was onscreen. "Things-" SSKKT "-couldn't have-" SKKKT "-gone more wrong than
this, could they?" This was its last message before the signal turned to permanent
electric snow.
Minerva could barely walk up the stairs.
Her heart felt so heavy. Heavier than her feet.
Somehow, she made it upstairs.
She stopped in the doorway.
Albus and Harry were lying on the bed. He was holding the boy.
Minerva bowed her head.
"M-Minerva-"
She looked up.
Albus was alive.
Harry died in his arms, she realized.
"They...they didn't take me."
He collapsed to the floor.
She went to him.
"Minerva," he whispered,"Minerva, everything is lost. We've lost everything-"
As she put her arms around him,rocking him, he buried his face in her breast and
wailed. It was a fitting funereal bell for a dead world.
----
Time to vomit
No thank you, Mr. Burns
-Hatemail,"Lil' Lisa's Animal Slurry." (which belonged to Hatemail) Also,
"Cassie Eats Cockroaches" belonged to Acid Bath. The movie dialogue at the
end is from RUTHLESS PEOPLE.)
DISCLAIMER: This chapter was incredibly gory and upsetting and you probably
shouldn't have read it if you're squeamish or easily upset.* None of these
characters belonged to me except Chillinger. (diabolical laughter)
----
* = ITCHY AND SCRATCHY reference
