50.
HAGRID AND DUMBLEDORE or It took THREE months to write THIS?

If these characters belonged to me, I'd be filthy rich. Anyway, I apologize again for the delay in getting this chapter written. My grandmother died, and then so did my computer monitor. Also, I'm taking care of a kitten who was separated from his mother far too early. On the writing front, my story "The Playroom" has been accepted to an anthology called TRIP THE LIGHT HORRIFIC and my story "Dead Down South" received Honorable Mention in Lost In The Dark's Southern Halloween contest. It'll appear in the Autumn issue. I'm amazed it got anywhere. You know you've caught a reader's attention when you change somebody's name in the middle of a scene and they don't mention it...

Dumbledore emerged from the bathroom, arranging his robes.
He stopped in Maggie's room for a moment.

He produced a smiling teddy bear and put it in the crib with her.

"Good night, Maggie. Pleasant dreams."

Lisa was also asleep. She'd done so reading an issue of JUNIOR SKEPTIC, which

featured a picture of a being that looked more like a gray Gumby than an alien.

Dumbledore had never seen an alien in his life, but he believed in them.

He could only speculate about what Bart was doing.

Downstairs, Harry and Professor McGonagall were having a spirited conversation.

"-complete nonsense," she was saying. Then she saw Dumbledore. "Oh. Albus...

I was just telling Harry about THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE."

"Ah, yes...the second book in the trilogy."

"But there are five books," Harry said.

"Yes, there certainly are."

"Harry, may I tell Professor Dumbledore about-"

"I dunno if you should," Harry said.

"What is it?"

"Does Severus ever remind you of...a certain character?"

"Who, Argrajag?"

"Who?" Harry asked.

"Er, forget it, Harry. Argrajag doesn't appear until the third book. Actually,

that's not true...Is it Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged?"

"Good choice," Minerva said,"But no."

"Well, then, who?"

"Marvin."

"Oh no."

He covered his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Yes," Minerva said. She took Harry by the hand and actually cackled.

He sat next to Minerva.

"Then who am I?" he asked. "Slartibartfast?"

"No, you're Deep Thought."

Dumbledore smiled.

"And Potter here is Arthur Dent. Weasley's your Ford Prefect."

"Then would Hermione be Trillian?"

"Yes, she would. Now, Zaphod Beeblebrox...I don't know..."

"President of the Galaxy," Potter said. "Fudge?"

"Two-headed, Potter, not two-faced."

"Oh yeah."

"Minerva, would you care to go for a walk?"

"All right," she said. "I suppose you'll be asleep when we get back, Potter,

so good night."

"I've stayed up later than this, doing my Transfiguration homework."

"Well. I commend your dedication."

There was a knock at the door. Judging by the way the door vibrated, it could

only be Hagrid.

Marge Simpson came in from the other room. "I'll get it." She did.

"Evening, Mrs. Simpson," said Hagrid. He ducked under the doorframe, and

entered the house. He was carrying a tray of treacle fudge. "Hope yeh don't mind,

but I made some fudge for yeh."

"Well, that was very thoughtful, Hagrid," Marge said.

Hagrid bowed.

Then he saw Dumbledore, and straightened up. "Professor Dumbledore,sir."

"Good evening, Hagrid."

"Evening. Hey, Harry. Professor McGonagall."

"Hagrid," Dumbledore said, "Would you care to go for a walk?"

"A walk? Yeah, all right."

Dumbledore turned back to Harry. "Good night, Harry."

He ruffled Harry's hair.

"Good night, sir," Harry said.

Dumbledore waited for Hagrid to join him outside. Then he closed the door

with a wave of his hand.

"So where we goin'?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore said. "Wherever we end up."

"Suits me fine," said Hagrid.

The night was calm. Stars filled the sky.

Neither man spoke, for awhile. As they walked down Evergreen Terrace, Dumbledore

hummed, and Hagrid listened to the jaunty, upbeat melody.

"What is that?" Hagrid asked.

"Hmmm?"

"That tune yer hummin'."

"You know, I'm not sure," Dumbledore smiled. "Sometimes I don't listen."

"Yeh don't even know yeh're doin' it?"

"Exactly. I catch myself in the midst of the music, and wish someone were around to

transcribe it onto paper. Compensation for a lack of musical ability, I suppose."

"Ah, c'mon, I've heard yeh sing."

"How could you stand it?"

Hagrid chuckled. "Yeh sounded fine to me."

"You're much more accomplished than I. That flute of yours-"

"Well, it's more a Pan pipe than a flute...like that fella plays...what's his name?"

"Zamfir," Dumbledore said, his mustache twitching.

"Yeah, that's him."

"I've heard you play," Dumbledore said. "You have a gift for music. There are times

when I envy your talent." Without looking, he knew Hagrid blushed because he felt the heat from the giant man's

flushed skin.

"Yeh do?" he asked.

"You seem surprised."

"I...didn't know yeh heard me."

"I prefer to let you play."

A low-rider, its headlights bright, sped past them. A heavy bass beat made the

chrome vibrate. The music made Dumbledore want to dance.

"Mus' be real loud in there," he said. "Eh, that's why there are no giant rappers.

Some of us get stuck rhymin' CAT."

"At, bat, fat, gat, hat-"

"Uh...yeh see? What comes after H?"

"Think about it," Dumbledore said. "You know. I know how hard you worked."

"I. Yeah. I...J...K. Kat? Nah. M...mat. Yeah, Mat. Mathew, with one T. Nat, short fer

Nathaniel..."

"Pat, short for Patrick or Patricia."

"Rat," Hagrid said. He frowned. "Peter Pettigrew. Where is ol' Wormtail, anyway?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore said.

"The things I'd like ta do t'him..."

"Never mind him," Dumbledore said. "Although-and this is between you and me, Hagrid-"

"You wanna pulverize 'im too, don't yeh?"

Dumbledore looked into the sky.

"The rat sat atop the vat," he said.

"Vat of acid," Hagrid said.

"Let's not waste the night thinking of him," Dumbledore said.

"I guess yer right. I ain't forgettin' what he did t' Harry, though."

"Neither have I," Dumbledore said. "I dream about it."

"Do yeh blame yerself?"

"Sometimes I wonder what I could have done," Dumbledore said. "Hagrid, what kind

of a guardian am I? I'm his GRANDFATHER and-"

"And yer the best damn grandfather anybody ever had. If yeh dispute that, I'll

kick yer ass. Yeh know he woulda been in more danger. Yeh both woulda been targets.

Yeh did everythin' you could do," Hagrid said. "Short of tellin' Harry the whole

story about 'im bein' the last Gryffindor and yer grandson, yeh know? Yeh woulda

laughed if yeh heard me, I told 'im parts of it're a great mystery. I hadda tell 'im

SOMETHIN'. I didn' like lyin' to 'im."

"I know you love him like a son, Hagrid. Unfortunately, that puts you in harm's way."

"And I ain't steppin' out," Hagrid said. "I'm with yeh all the way."

"And there's no way you could ever kick my-"

"Yeh know I'd never hurt yeh, sir, dontcha?"

"I know, Hagrid." Dumbledore said. "I know."

Neither of them spoke for awhile. They walked past houses lit by the warm

glow of television, or candlelit dinners. The moon was bright, not quite full.

"Can't imagine livin' in this town," Hagrid said.

"You seem quite comfortable here."

"In a house, I mean. But yeah. I like it here. Nobody's lookin' at me strange, here,

like I'm a freak, or somethin'."

"I told Harry this, and I'll tell you. If you are a freak, then so am I, Hagrid."

"Then I'm damned proud to be a freak," Hagrid said, with a grin.

"You're absolutely one of the most normal people I know. You're wonderful with

animals, and with the children."

"Sometimes there ain't a difference," Hagrid said, and that made Dumbledore laugh.

---

"Do you ever regret not graduating?"

"Snape asked me the same question."

"Did he."

"Yeah. I got no regrets."

"I'm glad. If there was a way-"

"-yeah, yeh'd have found it. I ain't mad. I like my life, sir. It's..."

"Satisfying?"

"Satisfyin', yeah. Hey...what d'yeh call a guy with no arms an' legs, floatin' in the

lake?"

"What?"

"Bob."

They both had to stop for that one.

"All right, then..." Dumbledore said. "A warlock walks into a bar with a frog on

his head. The bartender-"

"-Tom."

"All right, we'll assume it's the Leaky Cauldron, and Tom is the bartender."

"'E just had a nasty case 'a ringworm, did yeh know that?"

"Did he really?"

"Oh yeah. Contagious as hell, yeh know?"

"Well, that's terrible, but-"

"Yeah, yeah, keep on wi' the joke."

"A warlock walks into the Leaky Cauldron with a frog on his head. Tom looks at him

and says "Something wrong?" and the frog says "Get this guy off my arse."

Hagrid laughed so much, his sides began to hurt.

---

The park seemed empty, except for the two of them.

Of course, there were the ducks.

"What was yer dad like?"

"My father was a great man. For a while, I considered following in his footsteps."

"What'd he do?"

"He made a living performing magic at children's birthday parties."

"Did 'e?"

"Oh, yes. He liked making them laugh. Then, sometime in the '60s-"

"Was this 1860 or 1960?"

"Twentieth century, Hagrid, I'm only a hundred and fifty-six. One of his balloon animals became self-aware and tried to

eat a little girl-"

("Get it off me! GET IT AAAWWWWFFFF-")

"He was devastated, and dropped out of society as a whole. We were still quite proud

of him."

"We?"

"My brother and I."

"What about yer mother?"

"My mother, well...she died when I was a boy...Hagrid, my mother was an amazing woman."

"Ehhhxcellent."

"Hmmm?"

"Oh. Uh, sorry, sir. Jus' somethin' I picked up from that Burns fella."

"This place has made its mark on us all, I think."

"Sir...are we gonna hafta wipe their memories?"

"We might," Dumbledore said. "But I don't think so. None of these people

want to exploit us, or reveal us to the world. This whole week has brought

our worlds closer together, Hagrid."

One of the ducks quacked.

"Ever try feedin' one of those things?"

"Just once," Dumbledore said.

"It tried eatin' your fingers, didn' it?"

"Mmm, yes, it tried."

"Vicious little buggers, ducks. I've seen 'em fight over territory. S'like watchin'

wrestling. Yeh ever watch wrestling, sir?"

"I've seen a few matches. Today, it's rather unpleasant, but I remember Ed

"Strangler" Lewis and Frank Gotch...wrestling's not a wizard's sport, though."

"I remember a guy named Andre The Giant."

"You made him look small."

----

Downtown seemed deserted.

A discarded newspaper blew across the street.

All the stores were dark, their wares shadow promises.

"Where is everybody?" Hagrid asked.

"Probably at home," Dumbledore said.

-and then, just as he thought there'd be nothing to do-

"Have you ever gone bowling?"

"Bowling?"

Across the street: the Springfield Bowl-A-Rama.

"One of my favorite things," Dumbledore said. "Come on, Hagrid, I'll teach you."

"All righ', let's go."

---

Hagrid had never seen the inside of a bowling alley before. The lights were so...he

searched for a word and came up with FUZZY. There were people here, though. He recognized

no one.

"I have a taste for a vanilla milkshake," Dumbledore said.

"Never tried that before," Hagrid said.

"Would you like one?"

"I, uh...ain't got money-"

Dumbledore waved him off. "Don't worry about it."

He nodded to the girl behind the counter. "Two vanilla milkshakes, my dear."

"Three bucks," she said.

Dumbledore handed her a five. "You may keep the change."

"Hell yeah," the girl said.

Dumbledore turned to Hagrid.

"Be with you in a moment," he said.
----------

He found Hagrid by the video games, his attention on a game called TEKKEN.

"Far as I can tell, none of the people in this one like each other much," he said.

Dumbledore watched a muscular blonde woman stomp on another character's head.

"Well, that's an understatement," Dumbledore said. "Come, Hagrid, I'll teach

you the finer points of the game."

They walked towards the alleys.

"I ain't the best at figurin' things out," Hagrid said.

"But you're not stupid by any means, Hagrid. In fact, I think you're the

best of us all."

"Yeh do?"

"I do."

"Well...thank yeh, sir, that means a lot, comin' from you."

Dumbledore handed him a milkshake.
-----

"Now then, you take this ball," Dumbledore said. "Notice the holes."

"Those are kinda small."

Dumbledore looked down at Hagrid's hands.

"Oh," he said. "Right...well, you can just grip the ball. Then you take the ball,

advance towards the alley-" Hagrid watched him do that-"and RELEASE."

The ball rocketed towards the pins at the end of the alley.

Every one of them went down.

Dumbledore pumped his fist. "Yessss..." and then he turned to Hagrid, regaining his composure.

"That is called a strike," he said.

"Looks simple enough," Hagrid said. "My turn?"

"Your turn," he said.

Hagrid took several giant steps and, grunting, threw the ball overhand at an unspeakable

velocity, and Dumbledore felt his jaw drop.

Every one of the pins shattered.

"Now, that's as down as they're gonna get," he said.

Dumbledore sat down.

(Not bad for a beginner.)

"Professor Dumbledore..."

Dumbledore looked up to see Celeste Sinistra and Filius Flitwick, advancing.

"Good evening, Professor Sinistra. Filius. Sit down, won't you?"

They slid into the booth. "Headmaster," she said, "I'm glad we ran into you-"

"What's happened?"

"Well, you know about Potter's date with Angelina Johnson on Saturday, right?"

"By now, the whole school knows."

"We overheard some of the Slytherins plotting to ruin it. Draco Malfoy, Millicent

Bulstrode, Pansy Parkinson-they're going to try and sabotage the date."

"Can't let that happen," Hagrid said.

"I quite agree," Dumbledore said, "But-"

"But? But WHAT?" A second passed. "...sir."

"It wouldn't be fair to Harry," Dumbledore said. "He's going on a date, and of

course, I want him to have a wonderful time-"

(send in the bloody MARINES, if that's what it takes)

"Bugger that, sir, we all know you love him."

"Professor Sinistra-"

(now trail off, because you know it's true)

"...we know that because WE love him too, with a few exceptions I don't need to name."

"It wouldn't be fair to cheapen his life experiences. But yes, I do agree that Harry

has quite enough problems. Someone must put a stop to this plot, and I know just the

people for the job. If you'll excuse me a moment."

He got up from the table and Disapparated.

----

"-went and saw those LORD OF THE RINGS movies. You know, they don't build movie

theatres for people like me. I had to sit in a high chair. But I remember every

line-" Flitwick cleared his throat. "You broke my heart, Frodo. You broke my heart."

Sinistra clapped.

"I liked it so much, I looked into that Jackson fellow's other films. You wouldn't

believe the-"

He looked over at Hagrid, who was sucking milkshake remnants from his straw.

"Hagrid?"

"Yeah, Professor Flitwick?"

"Filius, Hagrid."

"Filius, I mean."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"I ain't seen many," Hagrid said. "Those seats ain't made for someone like me...but

I did see this one...about a guy who loved animals...he was like an animal himself,

really. It was called something something PET DETECTIVE."

Sinistra put a hand over her mouth, failing to hold in the laughter.

Dumbledore finally came back.

"Did you take care of it?"

"Oh, yes," Dumbledore said.

"Professor," Sinistra asked. "What's your favorite movie?"

"I can't pick just one. What's yours, Celeste?"

"Probably CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND."

-----

TEN MINUTES LATER

The doors blew open. If there was one thing Fred and George Weasley were good

at, it was making an entrance. They had brought several people with them. One was Lee Jordan, he of the radio-ready voice and bouncing dreadlocks, and an

sixth-year Gryffindor named Kasha Taussan, who happened to be a prince. Dumbledore

did not have all the details, but apparently Harry had saved the boy's life.

The irony was not lost on Dumbledore; last year he had told Harry that he was

normal as possible and not "a pampered little prince." When he recieved word that

royalty would be attending Hogwarts, he'd steeled himself for what he thought

would come. Rules. Bodyguards. Harry being tested yet again. But Sassan was not a pampered

little prince. His family was at war, and he was in the middle. He had been rather rigid,

at the start...and then Harry introduced him to Fred and George.

"Ah," Dumbledore said. "Mr. Taussan. I trust the family emergency is over?"

"I'm sorry, sir...I'll make up all the work I missed."

"What happened?"

"My brother locked my father in the trunk of his car, and went for a drive."

"I can sympathize," Dumbledore said. "I have a brother, myself."

"He's tried to poison me, and steal my identity, and have me kidnapped, and-"

"How does he get away with so much?" Dumbledore asked.

"Sir...he's six years old."

George saluted. "You wanted to see us, sir?"

"I certainly do, Gred."

George and Fred both smiled.

Then, Dumbledore gave them all the information.

"You can count on us, sir," Fred said.

"We'll be invisible," George said.

"Stealthy."

"Cunning."

"Thank you, boys."

"If they try anything, we'll be on them."

"On them like what?" Lee asked.

"Like...I don't know..."

"Like you on lunch," Taussan said.

Lee laughed, and punched his shoulder.

Taussan gleefully punched him right back.

"We'll do anything for Harry," Fred said.

"I know," Dumbledore said. ""We are the teachers and friends-"

"And family," said Fred.

"-and family, thank you Forge-"

Fred grinned.

"-of a deeply traumatized young man."

"Would you like us to tell Ron and Hermione about this, sir?" George asked.

"Feel free to tell them. Their help would be invaluable."

"Right," Fred said.

Dumbledore chuckled. "The only one who can spoil Harry's date now..."

"'s Harry himself," Hagrid said.

"Oh...by the way, Hagrid...I must ask you to stay away from Springfield Elementary tomorrow."

"Why?"

He asked it like a curious child.

"Because Dudley Dursley will be there."

"Big D, huh?" Fred asked.

"Big D, yes..." and he told them all about THAT. By the end, Hagrid was holding his sides, which hurt from laughing

so much.

"I'll find somethin' ta do," he said.

-----

There were people outside now.

"Hey, kid," said a nervous-looking man. "Ol' Gil doesn't have insurance, so could ya-"

"Excuse me," Dumbledore said. "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, there are KIDS on top of my store-"

Dumbledore looked, and saw that the kids were none other than Dean Thomas and Neville Longbottom.

Dean stood on the edge of the building, and Neville sat on the edge, his legs dangling over.

"Mr. Thomas. Mr. Longbottom." Dumbledore said. "What are you doing up there?"

Dean smiled, plenty embarrassed. There seemed to be a drawing pallet in his hands. "Sorry,

sir. I'm almost done. I promised that guy a copy, ask him."

Dumbledore turned to the store owner, and raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, all RIGHT," the owner said. "But they better get down safely."

"I assure you, they will."

It took maybe a second to Apparate onto the rooftop.

Dumbledore joined Dean and Neville.

He marveled at the nightscape Dean had drawn.

"Mr. Thomas, that is amazing."

"Thank you, sir."

He held up another picture-

-which was moving.

"This one's a group portrait. This is me, and Seamus-"

"-and me-" Neville said.

"And there's Ron," Dumbledore said. "And Colin and Harry and Lee."

(Never was there a finer group of young men)

"Dean...may I hang this in my office?"

"Yeah," Dean said, and smiled.

"Superb. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Neville?"

"Me?" Neville asked.

"I'm gone," Dean said.

He stepped off the side of the building.

For a moment, he hung in the air, and then levitated down to the sidewalk.

"He's getting good at that," Neville said.

Dumbledore nodded. Then he sat down beside Neville.

"Is it about my mom and dad?" Neville asked.

"Neville, if there were any news about them..."

Neville hung his head.

"I do have some stories about them I think you ought to hear," Dumbledore said.

Neville brightened. "Really?"

"Really. How about if we meet in the Gryffindor common room sometime tomorrow? I'll

come armed with milk and chocolate chip cookies."

"When?"

"When would be best for you?"

"Well...Friday, I..." He paused. "I remember my schedule exactly."

"You do?"

"Yeah...sir?"

"Yes?"

"Eventually, I have to give these abilities back, don't I?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "You do. But, Neville-"

"-I'll just go back to being me again."

"Who would you rather be?"

Neville looked at him, his eyes wide open.

"I don't know...I'd rather be me than somebody else, I guess."

"Well, Mr. Longbottom, that's quite introspective of you."

Dumbledore fell silent.

"Sir?"

"You're all growing up so quickly," Dumbledore said. "Particularly you, Neville. Especially now, in a difficult time.

I'm...proud of you."

"Oh. Well...thank you, sir."

"There's something you need to know, Neville."

"Oh, great. Is it something bad?"

"It depends on your point of view."

"Am I dying? How long do I have to live?"

"You aren't dying."

"All right, then...what do you have to tell me?"

"Believe me, Neville, I asked myself if you'd be better off not knowing, but I think you ought to know."

"Is my Gran dying?"

"Nobody's dying," Dumbledore said.

-and for the third time that evening, he had a long monologue that you can probably hear in your head, this time about

Neville sharing Harry's birthday and the prophecy and anything else pertaining to it, which will not be drawn out because

this author's brains have turned to mush.

Neville listened. When Dumbledore finished, he sat there with Neville, looking up at the stars.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"What is it?"

"Sir...I have a scar."

Dumbledore felt his heart skip a beat.

"You do?"

"On the bottom of my foot. My uncle Algie-"

"Ah, yes...your uncle Algernon. I've met him."

"You have?"

"Once. Believe me, once was enough."

Neville smiled. "You don't like him either."

"There are very few people I genuinely dislike, Neville. I don't wish to cast

aspersions on your family, but..."

"He threw me off a pier to see if I had any magical ability. He said he wanted to

see if I could float. My foot got cut open, on a piece of wood, and-"

He took his shoe and sock off.

There was a long thin trench stretching from the heel of his foot up to the arch.

------

This time, McGonagall opened the door.

"Pardon me, Minerva," Dumbledore said.

He paused to look in on Harry. The boy was asleep. His lips were moving.

"....mmmrrf, but I want a hrrmffzz..."

Dumbledore put a hand against Harry's head.

Then he straightened and headed upstairs, because the milkshake had gone right through him.

"Did you have a good time?" she asked Hagrid.

"Oh, uh-" Hagrid looked away from Harry. "Yeah."

She looked up at him and tried to smile.

"Somethin' wrong, Professor McGonagall?"

"Hagrid, I-" she sat down.

"What?" Hagrid asked, taking her hand. "Tell me."

She put a hand against his cheek.

"I know how you feel," she said.

"Do yeh?"

"You told me. In a reality that no longer exists. You see, I used a Time-Turner."

"Yeh did?"

"Yes."

"Because I told yeh-"

"No. No, Hagrid, that's not why. I-"

"Did yeh use it ta save me?"

"I used it to-"

She paused, and Hagrid figured she'd saved way more than just him.

"Yes," she said. "To save you."

"How, uh...how'd I die?"

"Blood loss, I suppose."

"Then that's twice over I owe yeh."

He kissed her hand.

"Guess yer my guardian angel."

-"I'm no angel," she said and he turned his head and kissed her until their tongues were involved and

in moments she was bouncing up and down on his-

"I love yeh," he said. "I love-"

"You love Albus, too. I know that. He knows that."

Hagrid nodded.

Dumbledore came back downstairs.

"I feel lighter," he said.

"Good to know," McGonagall said.

They gathered around Harry.

god i'm a hack