BREAKFAST
None of these characters belong to me, of course. They are the property of J. K. Rowling. On the writing front, my story "The Way" was accepted to an antho called MIND SCRAPS. Wicked Karnival #2 is up, featuring my story "Santa's Slay." Just Google it. The song Homer mangles in this chapter is actually Metallica's "One" and the proper lyric is "Tied to machines that make me be."
Friday
Lisa came down to find the kitchen busy. Mom and Hagrid were washing dishes. Hagrid was saying "-havin' yer own set
of wings-" and smiled at Lisa when he saw her, his eyes alight. Harry stood at the stove, cooking. Professor McGonagall
was reading a book called FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM, by somebody named Newt Scamander.
"Good morning, Lisa," Professor Dumbledore said. "Did you sleep well?"
"I had the strangest dream," Lisa said.
"Did you?"
"Oh, yeah...are you good at dream interpretation?"
"I have some practice at it. I hope it wasn't a nightmare."
"No...it wasn't really a nightmare...it wasn't a nice dream, either, it was just...weird."
"Oh, but, Lisa, don't you realize what that means?"
"What do you mean?"
"The word WEIRD. Are you familiar with MACBETH, Lisa?"
"Fair is foul, and foul is fair..." said Professor McGonagall.
"The Weird Sisters?" Lisa asked, grinning.
"Exactly, child, the Weird Sisters. Or, as I'm saying, wyrd. W-Y-R-D."
"What's that?" Mrs. Simpson asked.
"Threads of one's fate," Dumbledore said. "Lisa, if you truly had a 'wyrd' dream-"
"Then I dreamed about my own fate," Lisa said.
"Here you go, Lisa," Harry said, handing her a plate of syrupy pancakes.
"I told Harry you were a vegetarian," Mom said.
"Thank you, Harry," she said.
Harry smiled and sat down at the table.
Lisa couldn't help staring.
"Is something wrong?" Harry asked.
"It's just that...Bart usually sits there."
On cue, Bart appeared in the doorway, accompanied by two people: Fred and George Weasley.
"Morning, my fellow magicians," Bart said. He looked at Lisa. "Not to mention the less magically inclined."
"Now, Bart-"
"Be right down," Bart said, and raced upstairs.
"Bart needs something from his room," Fred said.
"May I present Fred and George Weasley, " Dumbledore said. "Fred, George, this is Mrs. Simpson-"
"You're Bart's mother, then?" George asked.
"I hope he's behaving," Marge said.
"We've taken him under our wings," Fred said.
"That's a frightening thought," McGonagall said.
"Isn't it?" George asked.
"Terrifying," Dumbledore said, with a smile.
"What's that you're reading, Professor?" Fred asked.
"The latest edition of FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM, Fred."
"I'm Fred," said George.
"No, you're not," McGonagall said.
"Is that the latest edition?"
He wrangled the book from Professor McGonagall.
"Why is Bart the only one with psychic powers?" Lisa asked.
Professor McGonagall turned to Lisa. "Well, I'm sure you've excelled at everything else," she said.
George put the book back on the table, and looked towards the stairs.
"We're going to be late," he said.
"I'll get him," Dumbledore said. "Breakfast was very filling, Harry."
"Thank you, sir," Harry said.
Dumbledore stood up, and pushed in his chair.
As he did, the doorbell rang.
"Shall I get that, too?" he asked.
"I'll get it," Lisa said.
She and Dumbledore left together.
Lisa opened the door.
Lisa disliked the woman on sight.
She said "Well, hello, little girl," and Lisa's opinion of her sunk even lower.
"Ah, hello, Rita," Dumbledore said.
Lisa just picked up the tone of Dumbledore's voice, as if he were saying SCREW YOU instead of HELLO.
"Lisa, this is Rita Skeeter. Rita, this is Lisa Simpson. I trust you'll be a gracious hostess, Lisa?"
(spit in her coffee, smear glue on her chair, and kick her in the arse!)
"Sure," Lisa said.
"Would you like some breakfast, Rita?"
"I've eaten," Rita Skeeter said. "Where's Potter?"
"Lisa, if you'd be so kind-"
Lisa led her into the kitchen.
----
Dumbledore could hear singing over the roar of the shower.
"-tied to machiiines that maaaake meee bee-eee-eeerr..."
He raised his eyebrows, and turned towards Bart's room.
The door was ajar.
He knocked. "Bart?"
"Be right out," Bart said.
"Do you need assistance?"
"No..."
Dumbledore waited a moment.
Then he nudged the door open.
The first thing he noticed was the mess on the bed. Well, really, the room was as messy as any ten-year-old's, but there were blank sheets of paper all over the bed.
And, unexpectedly, a compact disc: Twisted Sister's STAY HUNGRY reunion CD.
"Not going to take it anymore, are you, Bart?"
Like one of those Whack-A-Mole games, Bart appeared, popping out from the other side of the bed.
"Hell no, Sir."
"Good to hear. He picked the CD off the bed.
Under it was a some kind of ID card. It read THE COPY JALOPY.
Dumbledore turned the CD case over. "Hmmm...haven't heard some of these in years, Bart...like "Burn In Hell."
He thought he heard Bart gulp.
"A heavy metal song against going to hell...you know, I find that refreshing."
"Um, yeah, so do I, sir. Here it is."
He stood up, now armed with-
"A slingshot," Dumbledore said. "Now that takes me back. I'm not going to ask why you need it..."
"Thanks," said Bart.
"I trust you've eaten?"
"Oh...yeah. You know, I tried some haggis last night?"
"I never could develop a taste for haggis."
"It looked a lot cooler than it tasted."
Dumbledore couldn't help grinning.
"Better hurry, Bart. You don't want to be late for Charms."
"How do you-"
"I've been headmaster of Hogwarts long enough to know the schedules, Bart."
"Cool, man." Bart said. "Smell ya later."
Dumbledore got out of his way, and Bart ran downstairs.
Homer ran into Professor Dumbledore on the way downstairs.
He still looked like the lost member of ZZ Top.
Homer wondered what Dumbledore would look like without a beard.
"Good morning, Homer."
"Oh, hey, Professor."
"Breakfast is on, downstairs. Harry cooked it himself, so don't hesitate to tuck in."
"Tuck in?"
"Eat, Homer, eat."
"Oh, yeah. Y'know, we went to England, and they had the weirdest...ways of saying...stuff."
"I'm sure it took some getting used to."
Homer sniffed the air. "What's that smell? It never smells that good downstairs, this early."
"Pancakes."
"Mmmm...paaancaaakes."
"Rita, is that a notebook?"
Rita scowled.
"My usual accessories aren't working properly."
"So does that mean," McGonagall gasped theatrically, the bitch. "Does that mean, you'll have to write everything down, as Harry says it-"
"Iinstead 'a makin' things up as you go along?" Hagrid asked.
She spun on the hairy half-human.
"How dare you accuse me of lying, I'm a PROFESSIONAL."
"I'd never dream of accusin' YOU of lyin', Rita." Hagrid said.
"A professional, my arse," McGonagall muttered.
"What was that, Professor McGonagall?"
"Nothing," she said. "And you may quote me."
Lisa giggled. Harry shared a grin with Mrs. Simpson.
"Watch it," said Rita,
"Oh, Rita...bugger off."
-and Rita Skeeter's eyes flew wide open.
Before she could say another word, Homer Simpson walked into the kitchen, Dumbledore behind him.
"Did Bart get on?" Dumbledore asked.
"They just left," McGonagall said.
"Ehhhxcellent," Dumbledore said.
"When did you meet Mr. Burns?" Marge asked.
"Oh...I haven't," Dumbledore said.
Marge shrugged.
"Well, Potter, are you ready?" Rit asked.
"Yeah," Harry said, getting up from the table.
"You know," she said, "Since I bothered to come here, perhaps I should interview a Muggle."
Behind her, Homer opened a can of Duff.
It exploded in his face.
When he wiped the beer out of his eyes, he saw Rita Skeeter, smiling at him.
For a moment, they were silent.
"Yeh know," Hagrid said, "I think...I think the word is 'owned,' ain't it? Skeeter got OWNED by Professor McGonagall, bigtime."
He touched her shoulder.
"Hope yeh don't mind me stealin' a phrase from Harry, but...BRILLIANT."
"What did you say?" Lisa asked.
"Lisa, Rita Skeeter's an unregistered animagus."
"What's an animagus?"
"One who can assume the form of an animal. I am an example, I can transfigure myself into a cat. Rita can take the form of an insect."
"And here, I was starting to feel better about the media," Lisa said.
"She didn't even eat anything," Marge said.
"I can only imagine what she eats," Professor McGonagall said.
"What do you mean?" Lisa asked.
"Well, do you know what insects eat?"
"Other insects," Hagrid said. "Leaves. Wood. And-oh, yeah-"
"Excrement," Professor McGonagall said. "I'm sure she's eaten plenty."
Lisa choked on her pancake.
And then the door burst open, to reveal Severus Snape.
He looked like he'd been out all night.
"Severus-"
He stalked into the kitchen, and, without looking at anyone, continued into the living room.
Then he returned.
"Where is the lavatory?" he asked.
"Severus-" said Dumbledore
"The what?" Marge asked.
"FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, WOMAN, WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
"Severus, really," Dumbledore said. "There is no excuse for being so rude to this fine lady."
"The bathroom," Snape said. "Please."
"Upstairs, the second door on the right," said Marge.
He left in search of the bathroom.
"I must apologize, Marge," Dumbledore said, "I don't know-"
"No, it's all right," Marge said. "I'm sure he had a stressful night."
The five of them-Dumbledore, McGonagall, Hagrid, Lisa and Marge-waited for Snape to come back.
Finally, he appeared in the doorway again.
"Severus," said Professor McGonagall, "Would you like to-"
"I have a riddle for Potter," Snape said. "If he answers it I'll see to it all his homework for the week is waived."
McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "Now, Severus-"
"Come now, Minerva, there's no way he'll ever find the answer. Not on his own."
"Severus-"
"At least, if not waived, moved to a later date. The riddle-" he paused. "It doesn't rhyme."
"What?"
"The riddle, it isn't up to my usual poetic standards."
"That's all right, let's hear it."
"Fine...what is the one question to which it is impossible to answer 'yes.'?"
Lisa gasped.
"Don't tell him," Snape said.
The phone rang.
Marge got up from the table, and answered it.
She listened, and then said, "Yeah, Selma, he's right here."
Snape frowned.
After a moment more of listening to Selma, so did Marge.
The air between them crackled with a combination of tension and pent-up anger.
Marge hung up with an emphatic finality.
"Get out," she told Snape.
Snape took a step backward.
She advanced on him.
"Get OUT," she bellowed. "Get OUT, GET OUT, GET...OUT..."
Snape found the doorknob.
He opened the door, fell across the threshold, and scrambled to his feet, Marge on his heels.
She watched him run.
"AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH MY SISTER!"
----
The human looked totally lost. Not just geographically so, but uncomfortable around his own species.
(Johnny Cash wants his wardrobe back,) Kang thought.
"I've found one," Kang said to Kodos.
Kodos looked.
"That one, Kang?"
"Yes, Kodos, I think he'll be a perfect subject for our tests."
Shadow descended upon Snape.
He stood still for a moment.
"What's all this, then?" he asked, and then his feet left the ground.
"Lisa, could I possibly persuade you not to go near the school today?"
"You mean, not go to school?" Lisa asked.
"I don't know about that," Mrs. Simpson said.
"Even in the interest of safety?"
"In that case-"
"Perfect," Lisa said. "I'll be at the park," she said, jumping up to leave.
Dumbledore looked at Mrs. Simpson.
"What's that behind your ear?"
"Huh?"
Dumbledore reached behind her ear and pulled out several twenty-dollar bills.
"This should last all day," he said. "Don't spend it in one place."
Marge smiled, "I know exactly what to do with THIS..." and she was out the door.
That left the three of them.
"Well, Hagrid, Dudley knows what you look like."
"Not much point in disguisin' me, is there?"
Dumbledore's mustache twitched.
"I s'pose I'll find somethin' ta do," Hagrid said.
He got up and wandered out the door.
That left the two of them.
"You need to get ready, I suppose," she said.
"Not just yet," he said, taking her hand in his, stroking her palm.
Eventually, he rose from the table.
He looked down at the book on the table in front of her.
'"You don't need that," Dumbledore said. "Yours are perfect."
McGonagall blinked.
She watched him leave.
Then she saw what he meant.
It was the same book. Only the title had been changed-
FANTASTIC BREASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM.
