Bums of Gondor

Saraman

The mighty Orc army had the city of Minas Tirith surrounded. A great battering ram had been set up outside the gate and monstrous trolls drew it back and let it go with a crash and smash into the yielding gates. A small army of Gondorian soldiers stood fearfully before the gate, watching it take stroke after stroke, knowing no gate could stand it forever.

Gandalf rode near them on Shadowfax. He rallied the men to fight and to not give in to fear. But at the gate it was a different matter, apparently, for Inspector Gandalf must have been a tich confused when he gave the order:

"You are bums of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate you will not stand your ground!" All at once, the front end of the battering ram broke through the gate and another mighty blow splintered it. The soldiers stared intently at the gate to see what might come through. The Orcs obviously had a jest in mind, for they sent in an army of trained ants carrying, what appeared to be, little toothpicks. The ants snarled in ant language, so quietly they could barely hear them, and charged at the soldiers. "EEEYAAAAHHHHHH!" the soldiers shrieked and sprinted away as swiftly as their legs would carry them. The Orcs outside were clearly quite surprised about the retreat and grunted quietly to each other for a moment until they sent in the next army. An army of pigs, led by the Pig Orc leader!

"Quiet," ordered the Pig Orc. "We will break upon them secretly. The men are cowards, they will run." The pigs simply squealed and snorted in response. "Quiet, I said," grunted the Pig Orc. "Let us be off." He led the pigs down an alley of the city, past the long-silent fountain and after the fleeing soldiers. They could see them up ahead, the ants in hot pursuit. That is until Inspector Gandalf turned around on Shadowfax and saw what was going on.

"Shadowfax, show me the meaning of the word "squash". Forward!" He urged Shadowfax to halt and turned the horse about. "Ahhhhhhh!" shouted Gandalf as his horse ran over the ant army.

"Eeeeheeeeheeee!" shrieked the ants as they were squished. Soon all the ants were squashed and Gandalf turned and saw the pigs.

"Aha!" said Gandalf. "Thought you could sneak up behind Inspector Gandalf, did you? We'll see about that!" He charged forward on Shadowfax, toward the pigs. When he was within a few paces of them, he raised his staff above his head and brought it down with a splintering crack on the Pig Orc's skull.

"Yow!" yelled the Pig Orc as he fell to his knees and then fainted. Gandalf sensed movement behind him and turned to see the Gondorian soldiers, watching with extreme admiration.

"You've defeated the entire army single-handedly, Mithrandir,"said one.

"Hardly, my fellow bum," said Inspector Gandalf. "I have only to dispel these pigs." He turned back to the coweringswine. "As for the rest of you, begone or I'll thwack you with my cane! I mean staff. I don't really use it as a cane, just so you know. I'm not that old. Only about fifty thousand years, that's all." The pigs couldn't understand the common speech, so Gandalf had to make his point by raising his staff above his head. The pigs didn't need any more prodding. They were off with a bound, sprinting with amazing speed back towards the gates. The soldiers cheered Gandalf and retreated back to the second level before the Orcs could send in the soldier's worst nightmare: ducks!

Note: Gandalf believed the soldiers to be bums because of the fact that earlier that day, he had been involved in an unfortunate accident involving falling headfirst into a fountain. He short-circuited some of his computer chips, causing him to malfunction somewhat for the rest of that day. By the end of the day, however, he was quite back to normal, except for the fact that he still called that particular group of soldiers, bums.