EEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Saraman
When the Fellowship was in the Mines of Moria and the Balrog was after them, Inspector Gandalf risked his life to defend everyone. He stood in the middle of the bridgethat spanned the chasm seperating the Balrog from the Fellowship who were escaping to safety.
"You shall not pass!" said Inspector Gandalf, feeling brave at that moment. The Balrog released a fierybreath. Realising that the creature could melt him, Gandalf's sense of bravery shattered into a billion pieces.
"You can pass if you want to," cowered Gandalf. "Just please don't eat me." He then turned and shouted to the rest of the Fellowship, who were waiting eagerly for their next command.
"Fly, you fools!" said Gandalf. Suddenly, the Balrog leapt full upon the bridge which fractured right in the middle, at Inspector Gandalf's feet.
"Ahhhhhhh!" said Gandalf as he and the Balrog toppled off the bridge. "I can't fly, you fools!" He thought a moment. Oh, yes I can!
"Go go Gadget helicopter!" The chopper blades whirred to life.
"Ah, safe," said Inspector Gandalf. The helicopter suddenly in one horrible, sputtering, coughing, motion, ceased to twirl.
"Whoops," said Gandalf as he began to fall. "I forgot that I used up all my fuel spying on Frodo a week ago. I think I'll fall now." And fall he did. Farther and farther. Deeper into the depths of the earth.
"Arghh! What will I do now?" he thought out loud. (He would always think out loud) "I know! Go go Gadget parachute!" Out of his back popped a bright green parachute. (He was always prepared for any emergency) His descent to the ground became slower and slower. Suddenly, "Drat! There would be a hole in it!" said Gandalf. "EEEEYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He could now see the Balrog far below falling somewhat faster than he was.
"I yi yi yi yi!" said Gandalf. He was falling so fast, it seemed he would burst.
"I know," said Inspector Gandalf. "If I hit the ground in alot of pieces, at least some of me will probably survive. Go go Gadget Self-Destruct!" His body broke up into some fifty different pieces which all began falling to the earth. His head could now see the ground. It apeared to be some sort of swamp, at least, the ground looked unstable. The Balrog had already hit the swamp with a mighty splash and looked like it was about to get up. Suddenly, out of nowhere, meteor-like pieces began hitting the swamp all around the Balrog. Inspector Gandalf's head looked down.
"Uh oh, I'm headed for the Balrog!" Within a few seconds, his head thwacked the Balrog in the neck, just behind the horns.
"EEEYAAHH!" shrieked Gandalf. "Ouch! Oooo! Yow!" The Balrog was knocked out. Gandalf's head hit the swamp and sank in.
"Eww, yuck!" said Gandalf as the muck covered his face. "Nasty! Disgusting! Vile!" He kept yelling expletives until his head was completely submerged in the slime.
Uh oh, thought Gandalf. I better do something quick. He began digging with his mouth to get out. When he finally reached the surface three hours later, he said, "Go go Gadgetself-construct!" He immediately saw his body parts digging themselves out and finally all emerging from the swamp.
"Ah," said Inspector Gandalf. "At last." His body parts began hopping towards him and all falling back into place. As soon as his body was completely back in one piece, his arms picked up his head and twisted it back on.
"Finally," said Inspector Gandalf. "I'm all back together again." He could barely see a thing.
"Go go Gadget flashlight!" A built-in flashlight fell out of his arm and he picked it up, turning it on. He wiped slime off his face and looked down at his clothes.
"Filthy! Simply filthy!" said Gandalf. "I must wash somewhere, and fast!" He examined the stains. "It will take alot of bleach to get this out. Luckily, I happen to have some with me."
"Go go Gadget bleach!" Instantly, a bottle of Clorox popped out of his back and he picked it up.
"Ah," said Gandalf. "Perfect. Now to find some water to wash in." He glanced over at the Balrog. It was still blacked out. "Good," said Inspector Gandalf. "Now I won't have any trouble." He looked about him. Swamp as far as he could see. He looked to his left. The flashlight beam revealed a doorway in the wall of the cavern with steps leading up.
"Aha!" said Gandalf. "I will wager there is water up there." He turned to have one last look at the Balrog. It was still unconcious. Gandalf turned back and waded through the muck, making for the stairwell. At last, he reached it. He stared suspiciously at the steps climbing up into nowhere and absolute blackness and whatever else awaited him at the top.
"Well," sighed Inspector Gandalf. "Here goes nothing." He began to climb. And he climbed. And he climbed. He climbed until he thought he could climb no more and then he reached the top.
"At last," panted Gandalf. "Now for a rest." He laid down on the stone floor and took a little snooze. A nerve-jarring roar shook him awake.
"Oh no," rasped Inspector Gandalf. "That thing's after me!" He began to sprint. Shining the flashlight this way and that, nervously turning around to see if anyone or anything was following him, he darted down corridors, through hallways, and up stairwells. Just when he was sure that he had lost the monster, a terrible bellow shook the walls and great footsteps were felt pulsing through the corridor. Inspector Gandalf began to run again. Down to the edge of the hallway and around the corner, he spied a winding stairwell curving up. And up he climbed, crawling sometimes, throwing himself up steps the next. He stopped in a corner, panting and out of breath.
"I think I've lost him," sighed Inspector Gandalf. A low growl proved his suspicion wrong. Gandalf was up and running, scrambling up the steps, just trying to get away from the terrible creature, hot in pursuit of its prey. To Inspector Gandalf's utter astonishment, he had only gone a few steps when the stairwell opened up and he found himself on the top of what appeared to be a tower, its top high above the earth. Gandalf looked out at the night sky, all lit with stars. He breathed in a great breath of fresh air, a relief after being in a stuffy cave for several days. A gentle breeze blew past him. He had nearly forgotten all about his experience when a fierce roar shook the sky. Gandalf turned suddenly about just in time to see the large creature, the Balrog, come bounding out of the stairwell.
Its eyes red with rage, the flames that wreathed round its body flaring up, it leapt forward and bore down upon Gandalf. The only thing he could think to do, Inspector Gandalf shined the flashlight in the monster's eyes. The Balrog hesitated a moment, then continued its furious charge. Like a bolt of lightening, an idea hit Gandalf. The Balrog had nearly reached him. Gandalf stepped back a pace, to the edge. As the creature neared him, so close that Gandalf's beard was singed, the Balrog not slowing down nor thinking about stopping, Inspector Gandalf merely stepped to the right, out of the monster's way. With a ferocious snarl and roar, the Balrog plunged over the edge, dropping like a meteor. Its fall smote the mountainside with a mighty crash, shaking Inspector Gandalf so as he could scarely stand and had to support himself against an ancient pillar. When the shaking ceased, Inspector Gandalf crawled to the edge and looked down. The stars illuminated the gnarled form of the beast, broken over the rocks on its furious passage down. Gandalf breathed a sigh of relief, and crawled away from the edge. Using a pillar to brace himself, he wearily rose to his feet and realised something. How am I supposed to get down from here? He thought for a moment, and then it came to him.
"Go go Gadget moth!" said Gandalf. "Find Gwahir, find Gwahir, go!" The mechanical moth fluttered quickly away to find the great eagle. Gandalf sat down to rest. Now all I have to do is wait. The next morning, he woke up to see the moth resting on his hand. He quickly looked up. The eagle stood a few paces away staring at him as if to say, "I've been waiting quite awhile for you to get up, so can we please get on with it and go?"Inspector Gandalf stood and approached the eagle.
"Thank you for coming," he said. "I would never have gotten away from here alive if you had not come." The eagle nodded his head in recognition and Gandalf climbed upon its back. Gwahir flew off the edge and down the mountain. Eachbeat of the great eagle's wings carried him nearer to the depths of the valley below.Inspector Gandalf could see a large forest beside a rushing river and realised they were near the woods of Loth-lorien.
"Land there, by the river," said Gandalf. The eagle obeyed and flew lower and lower, until Gandalf could clearly see the ground. Then, Gwahir landed and Inspector Gandalf climbed off. Thanking the great eagle, Gandalf watched the bird soaraway, leaving Gandalf alone, once again. Inspector Gandalf turned towards the river.
"Here I shall wash my clothes." Once again, he got out his Clorox, and walked for the river. Removing his outer garment first, he began pouring the bleach on until his clothes were soaked. He then let it soak for a moment after which, he rinsed it off in the river. He did all his clothes in the same manner, and so doing, realised his garments were being bleached to the colour of a brilliant white. Gandalf decided he liked that very much, so much, in fact, that he began to sing:
"Mama keeps whites, white like the fresh snow. Mama has the magic of Clorox bleach." When his clothes were dry, he put them back on and strolled into the forest. So doing, Gandalf the Grey became Gandalf the White. As he walked through the woods, one last problem faced him: "I wonder where everybody went." (I know where they went, but I won't tell him)
The End
