Author's Notes: I don't usually revise chapters I've posted but this one said "revise me". I've just added a little bit to the end. Hope those of you who have already read it don't mind.
Chapter 16 Akito and the Journal
Akito lay on his bed and turned his back to the small black journal lying on the table. He tried to sleep but the journal attracted his thoughts like a magnet. What was so compelling about that journal? Why should he even read it? Akito lay staring at the ceiling and remembering the only time he had come in contact with Kyoko Honda-san. It had happened more than ten years ago when he had first assumed the mantle of Sohma head of family. He clearly remembered being curious about a habit Kazuma and the cat had developed of leaving at the same time each day and returning at the same time each evening. He had not liked not knowing what they were up to so he had Kureno follow them. When Kureno came back and reported that Kyo actually had friends and that they knew the zodiac secret, he had been livid. He had forced the cat to turn into that ugly disgusting form, certain that the woman and her daughter would reject it completely. It didn't work. The little girl had fainted, not even aware that it was the cat who had changed into that monstrous form. The woman had stood there with compassion in her eyes, not just for the cat but for Akito as well. He could not believe that anyone would think he needed pity especially not someone with so few material possessions in life. He became even angrier and ordered the memories of all three be erased. Hatori had obeyed, but now, the cat and the girl had recovered their memories. As for the woman, he was beginning to feel some regret at his actions regarding her. Her daughter had become important to him in some fashion. He wasn't sure why, he just knew that she had.
He looked at the journal again. He sighed and swung his legs over the side of his bed. He may as well get it over with. It was obvious he would not sleep until he satisfied his curiosity. The journal started off with very angry bold letters. Honda-san had not been happy having her memories erased.
" Akito Sohma you are not God! You have no excuse to inflict your fear and anger at the hand life has given you on other people who are innocent of all except the crime of being happy." So she had been angry with him, he could sense it by the flow of ink onto the neatly written page.
As he read, the tone changed. Kyoko-san apologized for her outburst and continued. She thanked Akito for trying to erase her memories.
"Akito-san, perhaps my anger was the wrong reaction but I felt you needed to know about the anger in order to appreciate my gratitude. I thank you for the attempt to erase my memories. It didn't work. You didn't know that and neither did Hatori-san. I think Hatori-san would have been troubled by your current vindictiveness. Kazuma-san respects him (Hatori-san) too much for me to want him to be hurt by carelessness on my part so he didn't know that he did not succeed. That attempt made me realize how precious each and every memory is, even sad and painful ones. Katsuya used to tell me this, but I can be a little dense. It took you to make me realize the truth which I have passed on to Tohru, my daughter." Was the woman crazy, you don't thank people for erasing your memories, do you?
Akito continued reading and finally came to Kyoko's final words.
"Akito-san, I hope you learn this truth in the time you have left. I know the chances are good that your life won't be long. I understand that much of the Sohma curse. But please learn to enjoy, to cherish every memory, the good and the bad. Life is too short for regrets and misery. I wish I could know you better, but that would be too dangerous right now for myself and for my daughter. I know this because I have known people like you. Katsuya taught me to understand and to even forgive, but that doesn't mean I'm a fool. Learn to love, to laugh, and to enjoy life Akito-san. If you can do this, then one day, you may read the words I have written and understand what I am trying to say. That's what I wish for you as the sun rises on this New Year's day."
Kyoko Honda
Akito closed the journal. She wrote this on a New Year's Day? One of her wishes was for me, but why? Why would anyone really care what I think and what I feel…I understand more of why Tohru-san is so special but I don't understand why they would feel this way.
Was she still awake he wondered? Would it be totally foolish to walk over and see her tonight? He walked over to his window and looked out at the night sky. It was a full moon tonight. Perhaps he could just take a short walk in the garden instead. He set about getting dressed to go out. That woman, Kyoko Honda, had given him much to consider. Perhaps after a walk he would be able to sleep.
Akito dressed warmly and left his rooms quietly. He found himself walking down a path that would take him past the window where Tohru-san would be sleeping. He stopped and looked at the dark window. He saw a light silhouette looking out. What was she doing still up?
Tohru had wakened suddenly from a sound sleep. The night looked so bright outside she had to go look out the window and see the moon. As she stood at the window, she saw a still, lone figure on the path through the garden. Akito-san… What was he doing still awake?
Tohru slipped her coat on over her pajamas and quietly went down the stairs and out the door of Hatori's apartments. She had left her boots by the door so slipped them on as she exited.
"Akito-san?"
"Tohru-san, what are you doing out here this late at night?"
"I woke up and wanted to look at the moon before I went back to sleep. The night seemed so bright. I saw you down here and you looked lonely so I came to keep you company, if you don't mind me doing so."
Akito took in the sight of Tohru in her coat with her pajamas peeking out from underneath and the heavy winter boots she had slipped on. He could not stop himself. He had to laugh. "Tohru-san, you look…you look funny and adorable."
Tohru looked down at what she was wearing. If it had been daylight he would have seen a bright red flush on her cheeks. "Oh…I suppose I do look funny…but adorable. No, I don't really think so."
"But you do look adorable. I'm glad you came down, I was thinking I would like to talk to you about your mother's journal."
"Oh, Akito-san, did you read it? I'm so glad. I was afraid you might not want it, but it seemed I just had to give it to you. I could almost hear Mom say, give it to him Tohru. Well not really, but I couldn't walk out of Shigure-san's without it this time. I think that means it was time to give it to you."
"I found it…very interesting. Did you know your mother wrote that journal on a New Year's day?"
"Really? I know she was always writing in journals. But on New Year's Day... I wonder when she did that? I probably fell asleep while we were on the roof waiting for the sun to rise. I didn't always manage to stay awake. Sometimes she would have to wake me up just before the sun finished rising so I could make my wish. She would just give me a big hug and say 'wake up Tohru darling. The sun's almost up, you have to make your New Year's wish.'"
Tohru smiled as she remembered those days with her Mom. It was tinged with just a touch of sadness. "I really miss her at New Year's Akito-san."
Akito turned and looked out over the garden. It's my fault she no longer has her mother. It's my fault.
"Akito-san, what's wrong. There is no need to feel sorry for me. I have so many happy memories with Mom that I will never feel lonely. She made sure we lived life to the fullest because she would say we never knew when it would be our last few minutes on earth. We did have a good life Akito-san. I'm not sad, really. I'm happy because I can share what she taught me with other people."
"What's it like Tohru-san? What's it like to miss someone you loved a lot? I've never really loved, I don't even know if I would recognize the feeling."
"Akito-san, you do love. I can see it in your eyes when you look at Hatori-san or Shigure-san, or any of the others. I couldn't see it at first because of the wall you had built between you and everyone else. You just don't realize it. For me, to miss my mom, it's a happy but sad feeling. I'm happy because we had so many wonderful times together. I'm sad because it would have been nice to have so many more. But you know, I can still talk to her, I can still feel that she is watching over me because she's right here Akito-san, she's here in my heart forever. My memories of her will never fade, they'll just become better and more precious as time goes on."
Akito studied Tohru's upturned face with amazement. There were a couple of tear tracks in the moonlight, but she was smiling. How can she still be happy? What makes her that way? I really need to understand. "Tohru-san, you know your mother was very angry with me for ordering her memories erased at first, but then she thanked me for it. She said I made her realize how precious her memories were. That seems strange to me, Tohru-san."
"That's just Mom. She could make people feel better about themselves just by being around her. She was wonderful. I wish you could have really known her Akito-san."
"I think maybe I wish the same thing Tohru-san, now that it's too late. Good night Tohru-san."
"Good night Akito-san. We will be leaving in the morning but I will come by before we leave so I can say good –bye."
"I will look forward to the morning then."
Akito walked Tohru back to Hatori's door and then returned to his room. Miss Tohru Honda had given him much to think about. Between her thoughts and those of Kyoko Honda-san, he really did have many new ideas to ponder.
The next morning Akito stood on his balcony and watched as Shigure and his charges left for home. Tohru had come by earlier as promised. He and she had taken an early morning walk in his garden. It seemed that lately he preferred the sunshine of his gardens to the shadows of his room.
He had commented on the Tohru's evident enjoyment of the garden even now in its barren state.
"Akito-san, how can I not love this garden? Even now as I look around I see all the plants sleeping peacefully, just waiting to awake when spring comes again and Spring does always come Akito-san."
Akito had smiled indulgently at her enthusiasm. Tohru had looked at him through eyes that were wise beyond her years.
"You don't really agree with me about Spring, do you Akito-san? But you know, I think you are a lot like this garden. Your heart has been encased in ice and snow, but it is beginning to melt and your spring will come."
He had snorted at her sentiments but a part of him longed for her to be correct. He had felt barely alive and so afraid of dying for so long that he didn't know what it would be like to be fully alive. Tohru was life in living color, he was learning that about her.
Tohru looked at him with such a compassionate gaze that he almost thought she might be reading his mind. She smiled and her face glowed with happiness. "You'll see Akito-san, spring will come."
He turned from his musings to watch the four turn the corner beyond which he would be unable to see them. Tohru had moved up between Yuki and Kyo and the two boys had each claimed one of her hands. The conversation seemed very animated from where he stood. He frowned a little, "You three are still inseparable…but soon you will be apart. I wonder how you'll do without her, Yuki-kun, Kyo? Your life won't be quite so happy will it? And I will have her for myself. Or as much of her as Shigure, Hatori, Momiji, and Hatsuharu will allow." He sighed ruefully and turned toward his rooms. He couldn't see her anymore by now so there wasn't much sense in standing out in the cold morning air.
Shigure glanced back over his shoulders just in time to see Akito melt back into his rooms. He waited for the familiar cold shivers such an instance usually generated, but it didn't come. Very interesting he mused.
The last few days of winter break passed swiftly and the Sohma household found themselves once again immersed in cram school, studying for final exams, and preparing for graduation. In three short months Momiji and Hatsuharu would be graduating, Yuki and Kyo would be preparing to leave for Tokyo University, and the cherry trees would be blooming once again.
Tohru's days took on a pleasant rhythm. She would see Yuki and Kyo off to school in the mornings and then go to work at Hatori's clinic. When the clinic closed for the noontime break, she would go visit Akito. After the noon break was over, Tohru would then return to Hatori's clinic and carry on with her work. Each evening found her back home at Shigure's preparing the evening meal and visiting with Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun. She was even happier than she had been before. This didn't really surprise those who knew her best but they did wonder at the cause. She had always been a cheerful person, and now her joy was even more evident.
The best part of her days was the time she spent with Akito-san. This was a secret she held close because she did not want to hurt Yuki and Kyo's feelings. She felt she and the Sohma head had become very close friends. They often found time to laugh together and they talked a lot. Akito rarely stood on ceremony with her when he felt no one else would be watching. He often forgot about the household help, as they had always been such an unobtrusive part of his life. As a result, Sonomi-san often observed their deepening friendship from the background. Her station in life had placed her there as a maidservant and she was content with the role. She found much to be hopeful about when she saw the young master with Tohru-san. Occasionally Kureno would get a glimpse of a younger, more light-hearted Akito than he had ever known before. That only lasted for as long as Akito was unaware of being observed.
There were days when Akito would be morose and moody with very little to say. At those times Tohru would just kneel there beside him and be silent. After a little while he would begin to talk to her about his childhood. She felt tears filling her eyes as he recounted the ill treatment he had received from the previous Sohma head. He talked about all the times he wanted to join in the other children's fun but had always been kept apart. Oh Mom, it's no wonder he grew to be so hard, there was no softness in his life. He didn't have a mother like mine. I have been so blessed in my life.
