"You look like Hell warmed over."
I looked up from wiping down the bar, and into Irvine's eyes. It was the grand opening of the brand-new Diablos, and December was so busy being proprieter that I was working the bar for her.
"Wow, thanks." I said, rolling my eyes. "Must be a step up, then, huh?"
"You've been doing drugs again." Irvine almost looked disappointed. Almost. I wondered if he had a bet on with Zell.
"Actually, no, I haven't." I corrected him. "I've been too busy."
"Right."
I shrugged. "Believe me or don't believe me. Them's the facts." I grinned. "This is what happens when a person crashes and burns, Irvine." A pause. "Oh, and I haven't shaved in like two days, so..."
He laughed. "So you're clean?"
"I don't know." I hadn't thought about it. The past month had been so full of shit to do that I hadn't had time to think about it. My addictions called to me, but I pushed them aside because December needed this, needed her life back more than I needed my self-destruction.
"Well, you should have shaved." Irvine admonished me, brandishing his finger. "The rest of the group is coming in, and Squall's band is playing."
"What?" I was angry, no doubt about it; Just Cause and Squall's little undercover mission was what had caused December's problems in the first place.
"They're playing under their real names; don't you ever pay attention to anything in the outside world?" Irvine rolled his eyes. "Word got out about how Squall had been undercover as a lead singer, and one thing led to another, and...well, they got a record deal." He sniggered. "Headmaster Cid was appalled. No more subtlety for Squall and corps."
"Really." I wasn't really interested, although I vaguely did wonder if Rinoa had broken the news to Squally-boy yet.
December walked up. "Hey, Seifer, could you...oh, hi, Irvine." She frowned.
"I'm with the band." He said, winking. She smirked, then caught sight of my face.
"Oh, Seifer, I forgot to tell you! Squall's band..."
"I know." I said. I crossed my arms and shrugged. "Whatever."
She peered up at me. "You need to shave." She stated. She walked behind the bar and pushed at me. "Go home and shave, Seifer, you're going to scare away the customers."
"Oh, yeah, I'm gonna scare the customers. Irvine's sitting here taking up the whole bar with his fat ass, and I'm gonna scare the customers." I complained, complying with her orders just the same. December's house (I may live there, but it's still her house) isn't that far from Diablos, so getting there and back didn't take much. I made a slight detour on the way back. I don't know why; I just felt drawn.
I found myself a few blocks away, in front of a library. Down one side I could see the alleyway that Jake had found me in, over a year ago. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked into the library.
"Are you here for the meeting?" A woman asked. she was short, fat, and sort of sqeaky. She was also, apparently, nearsighted, because when she saw who I was she squeaked. "Oh, I-I'm sorry..." I sighed.
"What meeting?" I asked, attempting to keep my tone pleasant.
"N-nothing, I d-didn't s-say an-anything..." She was shaking. This was what I had to put up with; this was my legacy, now that I'd come out of hiding and let the world know that Seifer Almasy was alive and well (sort of) and living in Dollet. I sighed again.
"What meeting?"
"J-just the NA meeting. I didn't...I mean....they have a meeting and I direct...." She trailed off and backed up. I frowned.
"NA?"
"Narcotics Anonymous." Came the scared reply. My frown deepened.
"What's that?"
This time she frowned; I could see her forget her fear and go into Instructor mode. "Narcotics Anonymous, silly! It's a twelve-step support group for people who want to get clean from drugs." She pointed. "They meet in that room every Friday night at six."
"Really." I blinked. "Yeah, I'm here for the meeting." I said, walking towards the door she'd gestured at. I could hear her gasp of surprise. "Thanks." I said, looking back over my shoulder and waving at her.
I walked out an hour later, and walked over to the lady. She cowered again, but I refused to let it phase me.
"Thanks." I said.
"Wh-what?" I wished she'd go back into Instructor mode; it's a lot easier to deal with someone who's being condescending than someone who's in fear for their life.
"Thanks. I needed that." I said. I smiled, and then walked out of the door, a new man in all aspects of my life.
That meeting...there has to be a Hyne, somewhere, because something called me to that library, and something made me go right when there was a meeting going on. Something made me choose the one group where no one cared who I was and what I'd done...as long as I wanted to get clean.
And now, I did. After going, and hearing what everyone else had gone through, I had to admit, my problems weren't that bad. Worldwide fear of my name was nothing, compared to one guy who's children wouldn't speak to him, to a woman who'd lost her job and her house because of addiction. I had it easy.
I'd only said a few things at the meeting; at first, I was dead-set against saying anything, I figured, hey, I'll just sit here and see what this is all about. But at the very beginning of the meeting, they'd asked if there were any newcomers to the program. One woman stood up and introduced herself (by first name only, although that definitely wouldn't help me; I would never be anonymous for the rest of my life), and they gave her a chip that said "24 hours." They asked everyone else, and I could feel eyes settling on me. Finally I stood up and coughed, and everyone politely gazed in my general direction.
"My name's Seifer." I said. No widened eyes, no fear. "And I'm an addict."
I got a shiny new chip, too, and some pamphlets about the program. At the end the guy who ran this, the secretary, a guy named Ron, walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder as I was getting ready to leave.
"I know who you are." He said. It was spoken in a kindly tone.
"And?" I asked him, daring him to make something of it.
"I think that you have a lot of courage, coming here like this, admitting that you have a problem, to a world that doesn't want you to exist." He smiled. "Keep coming back. It's the only way the program works. You'll always be welcome." With that, he shook my hand and walked off to talk to some other people.
I shook my head as I walked down the street towards Diablos. I could feel the chip, like a precious golden coin, in my pocket, and I rubbed it between my forefinger and thumb. It was like a symbol of faith to me; if I do my part, Hyne will do his part.
I walked into Diablos, and instantly December rounded on me. "Where have you been?" She demanded. I smiled; not my usual overconfident grin. A humble, sheepish smile.
"I had to make a stop somewhere." I replied. "Sorry it took so long." With that, I got back behind the bar and started my job.
Just Cause came on, and they were wearing their old gear from the undercover days. They all looked great, of course.
Squall looked gorgeous, there's no denying it. Rockstardom hasn't done anything to change him, he's still as sullen and moody as ever. He came to the bar once they were done and ordered a beer; I smirked and got it for him, glad that he was back to his normal stuff.
December took me to the back room once things had calmed down a bit. "Where were you, Seifer? Things got kind of hectic for a while, I really could have used you."
I frowned. "I really am sorry."
"Where were you?" She asked. I looked at her, and I realized that she was worried that I was off with some...some other woman or something. I laughed.
"December, I...found something." I pulled the chip out. "I'm afraid that I'll be gone every Friday for an hour, but this time you'll know about it."
She took the chip from me and frowned. "Narcotics Anonymous? Seifer, what the hell is this?"
"Something I have to do." I said. I didn't tell her she should come with me; December doesn't have a problem with drugs. She's never been dependant on them, she just enjoys them.
"You're quitting?" I could see that she wasn't too happy about it.
"I'm not going to ask you to. That's your life, December, and to be honest, I don't think you really have a problem with it, like I do." I bit my lip. "I just...want things to go back to normal for me, you know?"
She smiled, a little watery smile, and I knew that things were going to be icy at home for a while. "Just as long as you don't force it on me."
"I wouldn't dream of it." I promised her.
"Yo, Seifer!" I groaned. I'd just left the house to go to the store for some cigarettes, and I heard a voice I really didn't want to hear.
"Yes, Chicken-Wuss?" I demanded without turning around. A small smirk appeared on my face when I heard his angry exclamation at the use of his old nickname.
"What are you doin', man?" Zell said, once he'd gotten over his little spaz attack.
"Walking to the store."
"Yeah? Cool." He fell into step with me, and I devoutly hoped that he wasn't thinking of walking with me.
No such luck. "We were all kinda wondering where you disappeared to earlier, man. Irvine said you left to go shave and then sorta disappeared."
I just stared at him. "What? What do you care?"
Zell blinked. "Dude, just because you're a total asshole doesn't mean that we don't give a shit, you know? When Fujin and Raijin came to the Garden and told us you'd disappeared, things went haywire. Headmaster Cid, Squall, and Rinoa put out the word that Garden wanted to know if you were alive, but you never showed, you know? Things got really fucked up, man. You should feel lucky. Even after all of the shit you pulled, you've still got people who care." This was a long speech for Zell, at least, a long speech that had coherence, and I stared at him, amazed.
"So where'd you go?" He asked, again. I shrugged, and turned back on my original path towards the store.
"Not gonna tell me?"
I didn't answer.
"What, were you out getting high again?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, will you people shut the fuck up about that?" I rounded on him, almost spitting in my anger. "For your information, I was at a meeting." I pulled the chip out of my pocket--it wasn't going to leave there any time soon--and thrust it at him. "Not getting high. I have enough shit to deal with, I don't need Mr. High-And-Mighty and his crew rubbing it into my face that I fucked up, alright?"
He examined the chip. "Twenty four hours? One day at a time? What the hell's NA?"
I took my chip back and pocketed it. "It's like AA for drug addicts." I shoved my hands into my pockets and continued on towards the store.
I could hear Zell walking beside me, could see him in my peripheral vision, but neither of us spoke. We shared a quiet, almost friendly, silence, all the way up to the store. Then I coughed.
"Look...sorry about that. You know, yelling at you." I ran my hand through my hair, knowing that there was a slight blush creeping up my neck. Seifer Almasy does not apologize, especially to Zell, of all people.
More than anything, I didn't want him to make a big deal about it. And he didn't. He just shrugged.
"No problem, I was an asshole." A small smile. "Look, I'm gonna tell the others about this. I don't know how they'll react, but I think you can do it, okay? So just...try." And he left.
I stared at his retreating form. No snort of disbelief, no pressure on me to succeed. Just...acceptance.
I smiled, and walked into the store, which was warm. Zell had already disappeared in the snow behind me.
"You know, tomorrow's Christmas." Selphie said, chipperly, the next day. I groaned; didn't these people live in Balamb?
"Yes, I know that tomorrow's Christmas." I said, sullenly. I've never really liked Christmas; it was a Christmas party that I cheated on Squall at.
"Irvine and I are having Christmas Dinner at our house in Balamb." She said. "Everyone's coming."
"Great."
"Even Fujin and Raijin."
That stopped me. I stared at her, then shook off the cold feeling that crept over me and shrugged.
"So?"
"You should come." Selphie said. Irvine slipped up to her from the crowd behind the bar and snuck his hand around her waist.
"Hey." He said, kissing her cheek. Such a blatant display of affection disturbed me. Those are two people I really didn't want to think about...you know, procreating. Their kids. THEIR KIDS.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a Hyne. This was one of them. No creator could possibly subject his children to this.
"I was just inviting Seifer and December to Christmas Dinner." Selphie informed Irvine. He grinned.
"Yeah, man, you should come!" He exclaimed.
"Not happening." I told them. "Sorry."
I couldn't explain to them, or even myself, why I didn't want to see Fujin and Raijin, and why I didn't want to come to their family Christmas fucking Dinner.
Luckily, I had an excuse.
"Bar's open on Christmas." I said, sounding apologetic. They probably heard the false apology for what it was, but they accepted that and moved off.
Disaster averted.
