This is Weird!

--No Joking Matter

Part 4.C

A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat

The Joker vs. all comers. Scene C will finish Act Four.

Planning to flame me? Don't bother; the creek's about to flood.

------------------------------

Previously, on "This is Weird!".....

-----

"I wasn't like that before I taste-tested that ham," the waitress muttered

angrily. "I'm convinced. That meat wasn't undercooked. That guy in

there poisoned the ham somehow!"

-----

"Someone please help me," he snapped under his breath, realizing that

his keepsake bracelet had been stolen. His insides blazed with

a dark flame; no one---NO ONE---played jokes on him and got away

with it, especially not a human!

"I can't believe I let my exhaustion get the best of me," Phibrizzo

snarled. "That's the last time I leave that thing unattended! Forget

Lina Inverse and Zelas's leading man. I've got a new target to locate!"

-----

Everyone stepped back from Lina as her blood began rushing

through her veins. "...You dragged us out here just to expend our

energy and toy with us?" she snarled dangerously.

"That's pretty much the size of it, yes," Xellos responded calmly,

not at all alarmed by Lina's shift in moods. "I was also the one

that dyed your hair and made you all jumpy on the way to town

yesterday----oops! Did I say that out loud?" he asked as he

edged back towards the main road.

A fierce grin appeared on Lina's face, one that normally would

provoke a case of marathon-running in anyone else. "I don't

care if your mistress gets mad at me. You are SO dead!"

-----

The Joker had never imagined himself racing down a street with

the Howling Sword some time later. Zangulus and Martina followed

in close pursuit.

-----

"It's him," Phibrizzo muttered darkly, his legs spurring him into motion

as he began pursuit. (First my body, then my face, then my

jewelry! That human trash is MINE, and I won't pity the fools who

get in my way!)

-----

(Let him run), she thought darkly. (Once I have decided on a target,

I do not let him out of my sights. When the Knight of Ceiphied picks up

a trail, she stays with it.)

-----

And so, the weirdness continues.

-----

"YOU COME BACK HERE, YOU NO-GOOD CROOK!" a whiny voice screamed from

down the road. "YOUR NEGLIGENCE WILL RESULT IN THE INFERNAL WRATH

OF ZOEMALGUSTAR!"

"Um, Martina, that's Eternal, not Infernal."

"Oh. Sorry, Zangulus!"

Although he was a good 50 yards ahead of them, the Joker had no problem

hearing their conversations. It wasn't the talk that mattered to him,

though; it was the action. "With this sword, I can finally keep Batman

out of my hair," he muttered to himself, grinning wildly. "Ah, the

possibilities...the bank vaults will never be safe again."

An explosion from up ahead caught his attention. "From what he's told

me, that's probably my new friend having his fun. Time for a progress

report."

Xellos materialized in front of the Joker, looking a little worse

for wear. He matched his pace with that of the criminal. "It seems

they've caught on to us...at least, they've caught on to me..."

"Join the club," the Joker muttered. "Don't let them beat you up.

Lead them on a wild goose chase for as long as you can, then vanish

somewhere and come back here."

Xellos nodded as he caught on to the Joker's plan. "You know, my

mistress would be proud of a devious mind like yours..."

"Charmed," the Joker said sarcastically, smiling in his ominous way.

"Go for it. I'll hold off my own pursuers for a whi---"

"XELLOSSSSS!!!" a distant voice screamed. "GET YOUR SMILING SELF BACK

HERE!"

Not wasting time, Xellos teleported again. As the Joker continued

running, he could hear him shout: "Hey, Lina! You're headed this way,

aren't you? I'll go, too!"

A trio of Fireballs from Lina, Amelia, and Zelgadis greeted him in

response. The Joker just shook his head. "Great acting talent is so

hard to find these days---"

He was abruptly cut off as a blue blur blazed past him and halted,

forcing the Joker to put on the brakes. "I have just about had enough

of your antics," a childish voice snapped. "This ends now!"

The Joker looked perturbed at first, then calmed down as he recognized the

boy he was taunting earlier. "Long time no speak," the Clown Prince

sneered. "Looks like the egg has finally cracked."

"Spare me the intellectual comedy," Phibrizzo snarled, leering at him.

"You will give back that bracelet and consider yourself defeated, Mister..."

His voice trailed off as he realized something. "Uh...what's your name?"

"JOKER! THERE YOU ARE!" a bratty voice exclaimed. "Give back that---

YOU!!!"

The tension in the area built to a deafening crescendo as Phibrizzo,

Martina, Zangulus, and the Joker all stared at each other over the same

point on the road. And, being the wisecracking criminal that he was, the

Joker started to introduce them. "Loudmouth kid, meet Martina and Zangulus.

Martina, meet the loudmouth kid and Zangulus. Zangulus, meet Martina and

the loudmouth kid. To all of you: I am the Joker, the Clown Prince of

Crime!"

"THE NAME IS PHIBRIZZO!" the others shouted.

"And how did you manage to survive?" Zangulus muttered, his statement

directed at Phibrizzo. "If you managed to survive Lina Inverse giving

you what for, I don't know WHAT is capable of destroying you."

The strongest of Shabranigdu's monsters glared at him. "I'll deal with you

two later," Phibrizzo growled testily. "Right now, I have my bracelet and

my dignity to reclaim!"

A cold voice drifted to them over the breeze. "Not that you ever had any

to begin with, Phibrizzo Ruby-Eye." The waitress from back in Zephilia

stepped out of the woods, her attention divided between Phibrizzo and the

Joker. To the latter, she said: "Don't think giving me that klutz attack

would've given you enough time to get away."

Phibrizzo folded his arms and spoke with an extremely annoyed edge in his

voice, recognizing the figure's power. "So glad I get to meet you at

last, Ceiphied Knight. And what was that last crack about my dignity?"

Zangulus leaned over towards Martina and whispered to her: "What's a

waitress doing in the middle of the road?"

Martina shrugged. "I don't know. Looking to serve white-faced bandits?"

The Joker, as was expected, had a solid grin on his face. "Ah, Luna

Inverse. Glad you were able to follow me all the way here. What brings

you out this far?"

Before Luna got a chance to explain, three voices blurted out in unison:

"LUNA Inverse?! As in the sister of LINA Inverse?! You've got to be

kidding me!"

"Yes, yes," Luna murmured, bored. "I get that a lot. Can we get on

with this? I have a little retribution to dish out."

Phibrizzo glared sideways at Luna, still partially disturbed that his

greatest enemy was related to the Knight of Ceiphied. "I'll deal with

you later, as well. Until then, how about we join up and give this

fool the boot?"

"I've already got a pair," the Joker said, still smiling. "They're

sitting at home in my closet, and they haven't been used since last

winter." He stared at the monster, whose eyes seemed to be glowing.

"Let's have a little fun. You first, Firebrat."

Phibrizzo's eyes narrowed at that. Oh, he was so going to enjoy wiping

that grin off his face. Raising a hand, he proceeded to lay down a series

of attacks---black finger-width lasers---that set some of the surrounding

trees on fire...

...but not the Joker, who side-stepped the attacks with an agility that

only years of dodging Batman could bring.

Luna was next. After she used "Aqua Create!" to douse the trees that

Phibby had set aflame, a large cannonball descended from the sky and

impacted with a resounding CRASH. She followed that up with an

Icicle Lance that would've turned the Joker into a smiling popsicle.

The key word, of course, is "would've"; a lightning bolt appeared out of

nowhere and struck her hand. In most cases Luna would've been prepared

for it, but the unexpectedness of the attack caused her to send the Lance

flying skyward.

Everyone stared upwards. The Joker was sitting on top of the

cannonball, still smirking. "Ah-ah-ah. Didn't your mother ever teach

you not to play with fire and ice? What a shocker!"

Phibrizzo turned to Zangulus. "What are you waiting for? You've

got a mean sword; I should know. Let him have it!"

"I did," Zangulus said, straight-faced. "He's holding it in his hands

right now."

Phibrizzo just slapped his face in disgust. (Of course...that must've

been that sword I saw the Joker running off with! Should've expected

a human to give me a straight answer like that.)

Speaking of the Joker, he was staring at the sword with an amused smirk.

"Let's see. How did he use it? Heft the sword upwards, focus energy,

and WHAMMO!" KA-BOOM! "Yes, it definitely works. Heh, heh." He

stared down at the others before him; Luna and Phibrizzo were able

to stave off the brunt of the blast, while Zangulus and Martina were

forced to scatter. "Look out Batman, 'cause here comes the Howling

Joker."

"'Howling Joker'...what kind of nut is he?" Phibrizzo muttered,

throwing up another shield as the Howling Sword blasted them again.

"And who's Batman?"

"I'm more concerned as to where that lightning bolt came from," Luna

responded. "I'm beginning to suspect that he's not from this world."

"You think?" Phibrizzo shot back, warding off another blast. He turned

back towards the Joker. "Hey, you idiot! Are you from another universe

or---aaagh!"

That pause in his question was caused by another lightning bolt, this one

striking the ground next to Phibrizzo and blowing dirt in his face.

Not surprisingly, the Joker was laughing at that. "Don't you just hate

it when that happens? From what I've heard, you're the toughest kid on

the block. Now you're just a block-head."

The Joker's words were the sparks that lit the fire; a second later, the

air around Phibrizzo was set aflame. "That's it. I've had it!" he

shouted, reaching into a subspace pocket behind him and pulling out a

small yellow orb. Not wasting any time, he drew back a fist and swiftly

shattered it.

"You know, this is boring me. I expected to have a grand time with

everyone," the Joker explained, "and instead I have an encounter with

someone who cheats at marbles."

The spectators to this fight, Zangulus and Martina, couldn't do anything

besides blink; they'd seen first-hand what those orbs could do. Then

again, the same could be said for Phibrizzo; he KNEW what those orbs

could do. But the Joker was supposedly invulnerable to that manuever,

and that meant only one thing:

"You were right, Inverse! That creep IS from another universe. Those

orbs only effect those who exist on this world!"

"As much as I'm delighted by that explanation, Phibrizzo, we have work

to do," Luna snapped. "And the first thing to do is to deprive him of

that sword!"

The monster nodded. "Easy enough to fix." In the blink of an eye he

teleported directly behind the Joker, hoping to take the sword by

stealth---just as the Clown Prince of Crime swung it back to unleash

another blast.

Luna cringed. She had suspected that Phibrizzo's purplish-blue uniform

was actually part of his body; in actuality, she now knew that it was

just cheaply made. Blinking, she set that aside for the moment and

threw up another shield, deflecting the latest blast from the Howling

Sword.

A certain mazoku, meanwhile, was descending into a level of rage

unparelled in history. "It's bad enough that he steals things from me,"

he growled, "but now he has to put a gash in my favorite shirt! To

make it worse, it's in the shape of a J!"

"Actually, that was no fault of his," Luna replied, reaching behind her

and grabbing something---a large bottle. "You did that on your own.

I could've warned you about that, but you didn't give me the chance."

Tensing her muscles, she hurled the bottle straight at the Joker.

The Joker saw it coming, of course; and in like manner, he raised one

hand toward the sky. Don't ask how he managed it, but the familiar

lightning bolt managed to strike the bottle and shatter it into multiple

miniscule pieces...

...and coating the Joker's hands in a rather slippery substance: grease.

"Figures," Martina said, chuckling. "She's a waitress. Of course she'd

have grease. Didn't think she could use it as a weapon, though."

The Joker didn't find it so funny; no thanks to the grease, the Howling

Sword slid right out of his hands and into the waiting grip of Zangulus.

And just like that, the tables had turned on Batman's longtime adversary.

"Um, supposing you win, of course. Maybe we could talk about this---"

he uttered nervously, quickly tapping something on the wrist opposite the

bracelet.

He was interrupted as Phibrizzo got into his face, glaring at him with

enough heat to melt metal. "Give...back...my...bracelet. On second

thought..." The monster reached over and yanked on it, pulling it

free. As he slipped it back over his own wrist, he finished: "I'll just

TAKE it back."

Phibrizzo drifted backwards to join Luna and Zangulus, both of whom

were more than ready to unleash their own style of vengeance; even

Martina decided to get involved, joining her husband in wielding the

Howling Sword. As the mazoku cupped his hands in front of him, an

evil smile materialized on his face. "You know what? I've been

waiting years to do this!"

"I suppose you have," the Joker said, flipping a few gold coins in Martina's

general direction and jumping off the cannonball. Oddly enough, he

didn't seem the slightest bit worried; if anything, he looked bored.

A smile graced Luna's face, which was made even creepier by the hair

that obscured her eyes. "Good! Now that that's out of the way..."

"DARK HARSH!" - A massive black beam of fire exploded from Phibrizzo's hands.

"HOWLING SWORD, PART TWO!" - Zangulus and Martina's attack of choice tore

up the ground as it approached.

"ANCIENT RAMPAGE!" - A green dragon-shaped energy flare burst from Luna's

body.

All three of the attacks, however, were too late to stop the brilliant

flash of light that enveloped the Joker. By the time the attacks collided

---and causing a temporary maelstrom that could be seen for miles---the

criminal was nowhere to be seen.

---------------

What they didn't know, of course, was that the watch was a sophisticated

piece of technology. In effect, it served as a dimensional portal.

When everyone's attacks met, though, the explosive burst of power caused

the watch to self-destruct.

The Joker examined the destroyed watch disgustedly, sitting down at a

"burrowed" desk back in Gotham City. "It'll be awhile before I can go back.

That watch was one of a kind, and it cost a bundle just to make it...let

alone actually using it!"

"Then let me solve that problem for you," a familiar voice stated as the

Joker suddenly found himself lifted out of his seat.

Rule #1 for criminals: never be in the same room as Batman.

----------------

Phibrizzo and Luna searched around that part of the road, looking for

their target. Martina and Zangulus had already high-tailed it out of

there, not wanting to be in the mazoku's presence for any longer than

necessary.

"Well, where is he?!" Phibrizzo shouted as Luna put out the

flames. "I'm sure I saw him vanish right before those attacks hit!"

"He's gone home," an annoying voice spoke. Sure enough, Xellos appeared

on top of the monstrous cannonball that was yet to be removed. "That

device on his wrist was his ticket to his homeworld. There's no way you

can reach the Joker now."

While Phibrizzo fumed over this, Luna turned and waved at Xellos. "Hello,

Xellos. I was wondering when you were going to show up."

"It had to have been sooner or later, since the Joker and I had basically

launched a minor prank war against your sister and her companions,"

Xellos answered, smirking. "But it took me a while to get back; they're

still searching for me a few miles away."

"You, too? I never would've guessed," Luna said sarcastically. "By the

way, how's Zelas doing? Haven't gotten to talk to her the last few

months."

"About what you expect," the mazoku priest responded. "She doesn't have

any set goals for now, so she just has her minions cause some property

damage at random spots from time to time."

"Surprise, surprise. Could you have her drop by sometime? Our last

brass racquets match got interrupted by rain."

Xellos chuckled a little. "Well, I'll see what I can---"

"YOU WERE IN LEAGUE WITH THE JOKER?! Because of him, my favorite shirt

is ripped. You're about as much to blame as he is! COME HERE, YOU!"

Xellos never got to say anything else, because a flaming Phibrizzo was

soon chasing him over the horizon. And, coincidentally, in the direction

of Lina and the others.

Luna just shook her head, amused. "That's one way to get the little...

'Firebrat' off my case. I gotta remember that name." She stretched her

arms. "Well, that's done. Might as well get back to---"

"Uh, help!" someone in the woods shouted. "Like, it's a bandit!"

The waitress sighed and shook her head. "An Inverse's work is never

done," she muttered, walking into the trees towards the source of the

disturbance.

A minute later only a cloud of smoke, the smell of ozone, and the

remark: "Dude, it's the Knight of Ceiphied!" left any indication as to

Luna Inverse's whereabouts.

---------------------

--- In actuality I got the idea for the lightning from the "Batman"

game, released for the NES. The Joker was extremely hard for me to

beat, and I'm blaming the lightning.

--- I didn't want to go into detail about this, but this burst of

power is explained a few times in the "Try" season.

If you remember what happened in Part 4.B, you know what happened to

Luna. I wonder what she would think of 20th century Earth...

That's that. I lost the file that had some of the story ideas, so I'll

probably just keep this going long enough to introduce a few original

characters. If I ever find the file, though, I'll be back.

--Curtis Wildcat