This is Weird! --Slayers Trigun

Part Five out of K

A "Slayers" production by Curtis R. Wildcat

Takes place shortly after the short fic "Earth to Phibrizzo, Come

In". This chapter expands on the two characters created at the end

of that story. And before you inquire about the chapter title, you'd

better read the chapter first.

All flames disintegrate on contact with my e-mail account.

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Zelgadis groaned as he stared at yet another Lina-vs.-Gourry feeding

frenzy. As usual, the two of them had ordered enough food to nearly

collapse the table and were now fighting over some spiral-cut ham.

Playing it safe, Amelia had taken her share of the meal and was

eating somewhere else in the room.

He turned his thoughts to what had happened two days ago: shortly

after they had fought against a certain fruitcake monster, Xellos

reappeared and ran past them. A few seconds later, Phibrizzo was

seen pursuing him towards the horizon while screaming at the top of

whatever passed for his lungs.

Not only was the psychopathic mazoku yelling something about a joker

and a knight, but he had ignored the gang completely. Something had

to give.

Shortly after the incident, the gang had recovered and continued

their journey. This morning, they had arrived in Figaro City fully

recovered from the pranks that Xellos had been pulling. Plans had

been to leave the next day once their supplies were replenished.

In the distance, someone had started singing. Sipping some coffee,

Zelgadis turned his head towards the tavern entrance. Amelia

followed suit a few seconds later. Lina and Gourry did the same,

their mouths full of ham. Everyone else in the tavern perked up as

they heard the song. There was a pause; and then, sounding as if the

source of the song had come closer, the singing resumed.

"Aoi sora no shita de...kaze wa mirai ni fuku...taiyou no hizashi

wo...dakishimeru you ni. Tada nagasareru dake...ashiato dake wo

nokoshite..."

There was a brief popping noise like that of a loud explosion, and a

half-inch hole was burned into the wall above everyone's head. More

holes formed in rapid succession, spelling out a word on the wall.

Well, two words actually.

Amelia stood up and moved closer, trying to read the words. "'Look

out'?" she asked, curious. "Look out for what?"

"Look out for THIS, senorita," a snide-sounding accented voice hissed

from outside the tavern. A series of mini-explosions later, the

table that Amelia had been sitting at was reduced to splinters and

wood chips.

Some of the tavern's occupants fled, anticipating a fight and not

want to be caught in the middle of it. Lina and the others stayed.

You probably could accuse them of being insane, but they had good

reasons for not leaving. Amelia wanted to know who could accomplish

that destructive feat without shouting the name of the attack first.

Zelgadis wasn't quite finished with his coffee. Gourry had a puzzled

look on his face, and Lina didn't like leaving a meal half-finished.

More of the booming noises ensued, and this time Lina and the others

had the good sense to duck their heads. The attacks weren't aimed at

them this time, but at the outside wall; and after what seemed like a

thousand of the little explosions (but was actually more like a

hundred), the front of the tavern collapsed. Once the smoke cleared

everyone got a good look at the cause of the racket.

"Who is it?" Lina asked Zelgadis. "A bounty hunter with

strength-enhancing talismans?"

"Worse," the part-golem muttered, shaking his head disgustedly. "A

Mazoku with a bad hair day."

Lina sighed. "Let's have a look. What's life thrown at us this

time?"

What life had thrown at them was what looked like a six-foot

cat---six-foot-seven if you counted his unruly hair. He was a

wearing a bright orange shirt-pants combo (with a strange blue

star-shaped insignia over where the shirt pocket should be), and had

brown fur and a tail that was twitching rapidly; the two canines

sticking out of his mouth punctuated his grin. His clawed right hand

was raised, with his thumb and index finger at a 90-degree angle.

Standing to his left was what looked like a human; the thing was,

Zelgadis had been part-mazoku long enough to know who was a monster

and who wasn't. This one was a bit shorter, had black pants, a white

shirt, a black loose-fitting robe with white trim, short brown hair,

steel-toed boots, and looked a bit...overweight.

"They actually look better than some of the other mazoku I've seen,"

Lina muttered. She cracked her knuckles. "Can't say that'll save

them, but I'll give 'em bonus points anyway."

Amelia stepped forward, her mind working overtime. "Who are you to

destroy this establishment? What do you want with us, you fiend?"

The cat mazoku smiled even wider, if that was possible. Lowering his

hand, he declared: "My name is Mays Willie Jordan Michael Barry Dave

McCartney Paul Schmidt Mike Mario Luigi Aran Samus Strife Cloud

Davidson Harley Zoid Freaka Arbuckle Jon Yankovic Al Geronimo Home

Run Derby Sosa Sammy Forrester Clayton Arsene Lupin the 3rd."

Slightly calmer, he added: "Don't hesitate to call."

Gourry blinked. "Um...that's quite a long name. Do you go by some

other name, or can I just call you Freaka?"

The other mazoku spoke up, his voice that of a teenage boy. "His

name's Kharlosa Khosmosa, and I'm Kurthish. Sorry about the earlier

confusion, but we're mazoku and we've been asked to destroy you. No

hard feelings."

"Like blazes, you will," Lina remarked, preparing herself; around

her, the others were getting ready to fight as well. "We ain't going

down without a fight. We aren't going down, period!"

The first mazoku, Kharlosa, aimed his finger at them. "Take this

then."

There was a small white flash from his finger, the source of the

explosions from earlier; and then SOMETHING blasted by Lina, singeing

her hair as it went by. The trajectory of a few more shots met with

Gourry's Sword of Light, but by then a virtual hail of the things

forced everyone to scatter and take cover behind the wreckage of the

wall.

Amelia popped up long enough to shoot off a Freeze Arrow, then ducked

down as a shot zipped past. "What kind of attack is that?"

Lina raised her hands above the wreckage long enough to fire an

Elmekia Lance, but quickly lowered them again as a blast nearly shot

off one of the talismans. "Don't ask me! I'm not an expert in that

field! If we survive this, maybe we should ask Xellos!"

"No, thank you," Zelgadis spat. "Under no conditions are we to ask

him anything!"

"It's a Mazoku Blaster," Kurthish calmly commented from Kharlosa's

side. "He can fire off ten per second, and he's got a virtually

unlimited supply."

Kharlosa did a quick double-take, still attacking. "You just had to

tell them." He returned his attention to his adversaries. "I've had

enough fooling around. I think I'll deprive them of that cover!"

He turned his gaze to the wreckage of the front wall...which

vibrated, cracked, and exploded. To anyone else, it would seem like

he had destroyed the wall just by glaring at it. Instead, he had

opened his mouth for a fraction of a second and assaulted it with a

sound wave too high for humans to hear. The end result: a destroyed

wall, and the distant baying of a dozen hounds.

The explosion pushed Lina and the others onto their backs, stunning

them momentarily. By the time they recovered, Kharlosa had his hand

raised towards Lina. "I hope you've enjoyed that last meal,

senorita, because---huh?"

What had gotten his attention was Kurthish, who brushed past him and

seated himself at one of the tables that hadn't gotten wasted. He

raised his hand and called a waitress, who had stayed against her

better judgement, over to him. "Um...what is it?" the waitress

stuttered, not wanting to be vaporized. "Please don't hurt me."

"Two ham sandwiches, a glass of orange juice, and a box of one of the

local desserts, please," Kurthish stated politely, dropping some

silver pieces into her hand. "And an apple."

Everyone else, including Kharlosa, facefaulted. The aforementioned

mazoku, though, was the first to recover. "What in the world's going

on?! We've got a job to do, you loco bozo! Get back here---eeep!"

Kurthish had raised his head and glared at Kharlosa; for a brief

instant, lightning was literally crackling in the monster's eyes.

"It's lunchtime, and I'm a mazoku. You got a problem with that?

Destroying them can wait."

Sweatdrops all around. In the meantime Kurthish waved the waitress

away, walked over to Lina, and pulled her up. "Care to sit down and

declare a truce? We can resume vaporizing each other later."

Uneasily, the others got up and joined them. Kharlosa followed them

in, his expression that of utter disgust. "The comandante isn't

going to like this, Kurthish."

"Then the boss can stuff a brass racquet in his mouth," Kurthish

suddenly snapped. "I'm hungry, and that's final."

"I don't mean any offense, but don't mazoku eat the emotions of angry

people?" Gourry asked as he sat down at the table. "Something like

that..."

"Normally it's to that effect," Kurthish said, nodding. "But mazoku

or not, I'll take a sandwich any day of the week. Even us evil ones

have our quirks, and my appetite's one of them." He turned his head

to Lina. "So, I hear that our boss Phibrizzo nearly got his

posterior kicked by a shrine maiden who invented the Flare Carrot.

Tell me more."

Before Lina could say anything, Zelgadis beat him to it. "What?!

Your boss is Phibrizzo?! That would mean---"

"Don't get the wrong impression, Rocky," Kharlosa interrupted. "If

he made more of us, he'd risk draining his own energy. Thankfully,

that means you just have to worry about us."

"Yeah, but about that shrine maiden," Kurthish said, bringing the

subject back on track. "If it weren't for that giant crystal behind

him, he would've been burnt toast."

Lina raised a hand slightly. "Hold up. Did he tell you all this, or

were you there watching the fight?"

Kurthish shook his head. "Nah; we appeared nearly two days ago.

Let's just say we have memories that aren't really our own."

Kharlosa glared at his counterpart, but the chubby mazoku was on a

roll. "Take that Mazoku Blaster of Kharlosa's. He was actually

imitating an ace fighter; but how could he have seen that ace if he'd

come about just two days ago?"

"Who is this ace fighter?" Amelia asked him. "Is it anyone we know?"

"Not likely," Kharlosa growled, scowling at Kurthish. "Not unless

you've seen a tall blonde-haired man with a red coat, a deadly aim,

and a fondness for doughnuts."

"I've heard of doughnuts before, but I can't exactly remember

where..." Gourry stated, looking thoughtful.

At that moment the waitress came back with the meal, plus a small

box. Kurthish opened the box, took something out, and said: "Figaro

City's local speciality: the chocolate doughnut. Here. Try some."

Gourry snapped his fingers. "THAT'S where I heard of it!"

---------------------------------------------------

Kharlosa had tried to stop Kurthish, but by then it was too late.

Two hours went by before the mission to destroy the gang resurfaced

in their minds; but by then Lina and the others had decided to bugger

out.

"I don't believe this!" Kharlosa was ranting as they walked down the

street later. "First you have the nerve to get a meal when we're

supposed to be fighting, then you order some extra food for Lina,

then you start regaling them with tales of Vash the Stampede! By the

time we were finished, the princesa was taking notes while the

chimera was asking me what 'senor' meant! I've never been so

embarrassed!"

"You've only been alive two days, Kharlosa," Kurthish said calmly.

"You shouldn't have sung that song before you attacked, anyway. If

you want embarrassed, you should see what Phibrizzo's face is going

to look like later when we get through with him."

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Speaking of Phibrizzo, he had long since worked out his anger against

Xellos and was dozing off at the local inn. His nap was interrupted

when his two minions entered the room, looking like the jerks that

he'd thought of them as. "Well?" he inquired testily. "Did you find

Lina Inverse?"

"Yes," Kurthish said.

Time stood still. "And..."

"And what?" Kurthish asked.

"Did you do what I asked you to do?" Phibrizzo asked impatiently.

"No," Kharlosa blurted out.

However unlikely it seemed, several veins started throbbing. "And

why didn't you?"

Kharlosa chuckled. "How can we respect a high-level mazoku who

screams like a girl when he doesn't get his way?"

Almost immediately, Phibrizzo was off the bed and in Kharlosa's face.

"Where did you hear that? Did Inverse or her companions tell you?"

Kurthish shrugged. "Actually, it was something we've known all

along. Besides, the resemblance between you and Amelia is uncanny."

Ignoring Kharlosa's snickering, he added: "Did she have a twin

brother she didn't know about?"

A voice that crushed the limits of anger kept him from speaking any

further. "You will NOT bring up that stupid comparison again! Do

you understand?!" Phibrizzo screamed, his fists glowing.

"See?" Kharlosa said, chuckling. "Our point exactly. You may think

you know everything about us since you made us, but you're wrong!"

Kurthish nodded. "Exactly. For instance, you remember that Sylphiel

lady? Not only did the master of the Flare Carrot nearly throttle

you, but she said to Lina that..." he leaned towards Phibrizzo's ear

and whispered the rest of the statement.

A black flaming aura was in place around Phibrizzo by now; Kurthish

suspected that it was hiding his blushing. Glaring daggers at his

minions, the demented monster warned: "If you're not telling the

truth, you're ancient history. How do you know all this?"

Kharlosa was busy laughing, so Kurthish answered for him. "Anime."

The aura disintegrated, and Kurthish was met with a confused look.

"Anime? What are you talking about?"

Kurthish sat on the edge of the bed, motioning for Phibrizzo to sit

next to him. Kharlosa recovered from his laughter and did the same,

clapping one hand on his boss's shoulder. "Boss, you've got a lot to

learn about what we do remember. Stuff like anime, tacos, people who

sound like Lina, humanoid typhoons, Super Saiyens..."

Sniffing the air, Kharlosa abruptly jerked himself away from

Phibrizzo. Holding his nose, he added: "...and deodorant soaps.

When was the last time you had a bath?"

In the span of a half-second, Kharlosa had grabbed Phibrizzo's arm

and chucked him out the open window. He had been aiming for the hot

springs behind the inn, and his aim was spot-on perfect. The splash

and the angry shouting was proof of that.

Kurthish sighed. "Okay, looks like we've got a LOT to explain to

him."

"Oh, shut up. I'm enjoying every second of this, amigo."

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That takes care of that. Now do you get how I came up with the

title?

Who knows what's going to happen next? I lost my rough draft of

chapters. Guess I'll try to figure something out. Toodles!